.
.
"So let me get this straight," the baker said. "You're ordering a sheet cake and you want me to write the words 'Sorry I strangled you' in blue royal icing. Correct?"
"Yeah," Kiyotsugu's brother said. "'Sorry I strangled you,' you know, like a birthday cake."
"A birthday cake," the baker repeated. The brother nodded.
"Yeah, a birthday cake. But could you like, half the amount of sugar in there? 'Cuz my brother doesn't like sweet things because he's stupid and weird."
The baker rubbed his head. "I don't know," the baker said. "I'm not really comfortable."
"No no no no, it's totally cool, we were just rough-housing, you know. Play fighting. Except I accidentally kicked his ass and now he's totally pissed at me because my brother is a weak little nerd. He's got a hot girlfriend though," his brother said. "Heh. I don't know how that happened, but I'm pretty sure it's 'cuz she has low self-esteem."
"...I see."
"So yeah," his brother said. "'Sorry I strangled you,' with blue royal icing, and like, sakura flowers or something, because he's kind of a pussy...Oh! Do you do fruit jelly fillings? If you do, can you do raspberry?"
The baker stared at him. "That's gonna cost extra," he said.
"Cool. I can totally pay for it."
The baker looked at him doubtfully, then pulled out an order pad. "So, customized message with 'Sorry I strangled you.' Royal blue icing on white background. Vanilla sheet cake with raspberry filling."
"And sakura flowers," his brother said.
"And sakura flowers. Good. Anything else?"
"Uh." His brother looked around. "Hey can I ask you something? What do you think would be a good gift for a wallflower nerd?"
"Look man, I sell cakes and I don't know your brother, I have no idea. If you're looking for gift ideas maybe you should go on the internet."
"What if I described him?" his brother said. "He's like, super serious, and before he got that girlfriend I'm pretty sure he was still a virgin."
"Man, I don't know. Will you pay for the preorder? I got other customers."
"Oh! Maybe we can change it to a mini wedding cake with the words, 'Congrats, you're not a virgin!' on it. Ha! That would piss him off even more but it might actually be kinda worth it."
xXx
.
"You need to stop bothering Kazuma!" Yato said. He was squatting in an open window to the brother's bedroom. Kiyotsugu's brother stared.
"I'm not botherin' him! I just wanted to get him something to apologize to him!" his brother said. Yato pointed.
"Keep this up, and I'm gonna have to cut your ties with him. You'll never remember your past life even with all those spells!" He hopped into the bedroom and glanced at the messy desk and scraps of paper, a bunch of rough sketches scattered all around the floor. "What the heck is this?" Yato said, and he picked up the paper.
It was a rough draft of a manga panel: a naked woman writhing on the bed, diagonal slashes denoting blush marks and tears in her eyes as the off-camera man was pounding her. "Tell me you love me," she cried. The sound effects of Ah, ah! and scalloped bubbles denoting panting littered the page. "No can do," the man said, grinning meanly, and the next panel showed him shoving into her even harder, speedlines cutting across her body as her breasts were jiggling obscenely.
"Yeah, that's a draft for my manga," his brother said. He took the paper from Yato. "It's an Ecchi Harem manga, I'm supposed to get the drafts to my editor. The protagonist has nine girlfriends and they're all jealous 'cuz he's cheating on all of them. But honestly I only wrote the story so I can draw chicks crying with different kinds of boobs."
"Wait, you're a manga artist?" Yato grabbed more pages from his desk. His eyes widened.
"I know you! You're Shio-sensei! You write Hungry Love!"
"Ha ha, yeah, I do!" his brother said. He plucked the papers from Yato's hands. "You read it before?"
"Heck yeah! The current arc is so heartbreaking, poor Homura just wants to be loved but asshole Sousuke keeps cheatin' on her.
"So what the heck are you doin' bothering Kazuma?" Yato said. "Why dontcha just work on your manga and stay home?"
"Look, he's my little brother, man, I love him and I wanna make it up to him." His brother's eyes widened.
"I should draw a doujin of him and his hot girlfriend!"
"Uh, hate to break it to ya, Shio-san, but I already got the market on skanky doujins."
"You draw doujins based on his stuck-up girlfriend?"
"Yeah! A whole ton of them! Kazuma'd give me five yen and I'd draw a whole friggin' series of them!"
"Hey, you know what, one of the series at the magazine I'm writing for is wrapping up, you wanna meet my editor? I can totally get you in if you help me with my brother."
"Really?!" Yato's eyes were shiny marbles. "You can make me a professional?!"
"Hell yeah I can! Gimme some samples and I'll call my editor."
xXx
.
"Why are you hanging out with Kiyotsugu-san's brother?" Yukine said, crossly. "He's a shitty asshole just like my dad."
"I'm just keepin' him busy," Yato said. "Keepin' him preoccupied with my super awesome doujins so he won't bother Kazuma."
Yukine's eyes were dull. "Uh huh."
"I'm serious, Yukine! Look, I also stole this from him," Yato said, and he held up a pen and inkwell.
Yukine's eyes widened. "You shitty jersey! What the hell did you do?!"
"I took it from him, Yukine! They don't sell this kind of pen anymore, if he's like any other manga artists I know he won't be able to draw until he finds it!"
"...That's not actually a bad idea."
"I told ya!"
xXx
.
"We should get Kofuku-dono to visit him," Bishamon said. She was watching Kiyotsugu's brother again, looking down from the roof of an office building and standing next to Yato. "You and I are both lucky gods. Despite our intentions, we may inadvertently be helping him."
"WAAAH! That's a great idea! She could totally screw with him!" Yato said.
xXx
.
"The hell are they doin'?" Daikoku said.
He was standing next to Kiun, growing more and more perplexed, as Kazuma ran around shouting at nobody and his lady randomly pranced around the street. Kiun kept texting on his phone.
"Perhaps the Cursed Vessel lost his mind due to the sway of the Binbougami."
"Huh."
xXx
.
"Wait! Little Brother, hold on-"
"I don't want to talk to you," Kazuma said. His brother ran across the street, waving toward him.
"Look, I get it, you're moving out because I make you uncomfortable. But I can at least help you guys move," he said. He glanced down at Kazuma's hand. "Why are you carrying an umbrella?"
Kazuma bristled. "There will be a thunderstorm soon."
"Really?" his brother looked up at the sky, which was a crystal clear blue. "Uh, I think you've been hangin' around the heavens too long, the sky is freaking blue."
"There is an updraft of rising warm air along with a decrease in barometric pressure, taken together it's indicative of a coming storm," Kazuma said. He pushed up his glasses.
"...the fuck did you get laid again?" his brother said. Kazuma rolled his eyes and started walking away from him. "O-oi! I'm just joking! Don't be like that, c'mon-"
"Kazu-kuuuun~~~!" They both turned to see Kofuku coming toward them.
"The fuck is this?" his brother said.
"Is this your brother? Oooooh he's so pretty~~! I'm gonna have ~lots of fun~ playing with him~~!"
"Huh?" his brother said, and there was a crash of thunder above them.
"Kiun, where are you going?" Takemikazuchi said. He sat on the lightning dragon's head, looking down at the street below them.
"I was thinking of upgrading my phone."
"What? Why? Your phone still works, did you not just change it from a flip phone?"
"That was ten years ago, Master. Since then I have changed my phone many times."
"Huh," Takemikazuchi said. The lightning dragon zig-zagged through the sky, storm crowds building up behind them.
"Master, behold! There is the Binbougami and Bishamonten's hafuri. Shall I throw my lightning at them?"
"Hmm. It's not as fun as hitting the Yatogami, but Bishamonten's hafuri annoys me. Yes you may throw your lightning," Takemikazuchi said.
"What was that?" his brother said, as a crack of thunder appeared above them. The sky darkened.
"Master, I'm aiming now-"
"Kiun I don't care, do what you-" Takemikazuchi's eyes widened.
"Wait you idiot!" Takemikazuchi said. "There's a human there!"
"What?" Kiun said, but he already let loose a bolt of lighting hurtling toward the ground.
"Nii-san!" Kazuma said, and he pushed him out of the way. "A LINE!"
The borderline sliced through Kiun's lightning like glass; sparks of electricity spun out, showering around them.
"Oops~~" Kofuku said, as her negative aura made the wind redirect the sparks.
"My arm!" his brother's sleeve caught on fire.
"Shit." Kazuma quickly cast a spell and started beating the flames with his jacket on his shoulder.
"What is he doing?" Kiun said. From his vantage point, it looked like Kazuma was running around in circles, slapping his jacket against the pavement and using a borderline to stop his lightning from hitting the ground. "Master, I believe he interfered with my lightning to antagonize me."
"You can't see that human?"
"What human? The hafuri?"
Takemikazuchi's eyes widened. That must be Kazuma's brother.
"Oh!" Takemikazuchi said, acting. "That was the cursed vessel! Kiun my apologies, I thought he was another human."
"You knew it was the hafuri before."
"Yes well this is what happens when you distract your master with talks of your cellular phone!"
They landed on a rooftop, Takemikazuchi climbing down from the lightning dragon's head.
"Revert, Kiun," Takemikazuchi said. "Kaun, Miun, Saiun. Go with your idiot exemplar and get yourselves new phones."
"Really?" Miun's eyes sparkled. "Master?"
"Let us go," Kiun said. "Our master may yet change his mind after."
"Thank you, Master," Saiun said. Miun waved.
"I'm gonna get that new iPhone!"
xXx
.
"Ow, ow, ow, OW!" his brother said, as Kazuma treated the burn with a spell for healing. Behind them, Kofuku laughed.
"Binbougami," someone said, and they turned to see Takemikazuchi descending toward them.
"Take-chan!" Kofuku ran toward him. He held up his hand.
"I am here to see the human," Takemikazuchi said. "I made a grievous error in letting Kiun choose the target. Obviously that cursed vessel's spell is the blame for it."
"Takemikazuchi-sama," Kazuma said, rising. His brother looked up from the ground.
"Oi!" He jumped up. "You're the dude who rode that lightning dragon!"
"Indeed. And I gather on that day, you really did see me," Takemikazuchi said. He looked them up and down. "I see that you're uninjured. Very well. I must take my leave before Kiun wreaks havoc at the cellular store."
xXx
.
The Binbougami kept messing with him.
"Ack! My drafts!" he said, as he spilled coffee all over the manuscript he was taking to his editor.
"Ugh! The birds!" he said, as a flock of birds collectively shit on his head.
"Why does everyone else have electricity except for me?!" he said, when all the lights went out in his apartment right before a deadline.
"Shit shit SHIT!" he said, when he knocked over the candle he was using to work and set his desk on fire.
("Where the fuck are my pens?!" he said, searching frantically in his room. That one wasn't Kofuku.)
xXx
.
Kiyotsugu's brother was checking the mail at his apartment when a flash of lightning struck the courtyard.
"What is your 'deal', human?" a voice said. Kiyotsugu's brother looked up, startled.
xXx
.
"I see. So you are being punished for the misdeeds of your previous incarnation," Takemikazuchi said. He looked up thoughtfully, then turned.
"Fear not, young human. For I too know the pain of being blamed for the sins of your predecessor. You may protest that you were the one who was lost to sin, but you yourself are blameless. It is only by that boy's spell that you remember."
"Oh my god, thank you," his brother said. "I've been trying to make things right, but all the other gods hate me and I can't tell my friends because they won't believe me." Takemikazuchi nodded wisely, then rested a hand on his shoulder.
"I will take your wish," Takemikazuchi said. "I swear it on my name, Brother-of-Kiyotsugu, I will do my utmost to help you."
xXx
.
"Dude, I appreciate what you're saying, but I'm the one who strangled him, okay? I gotta take responsibility."
"What for?" Takemikazuchi said. "That was your previous incarnation."
"Well I'm still the same person. Just because it happened in another life doesn't mean it didn't happen."
Daikoku and Kiun watched as Takemikazuchi seemed to be muttering to himself in the middle of the street. "You're not worried?" Daikoku said. Kiun frowned.
"My master has always been a bit eccentric, but I must admit this is a tad worrisome."
"Huzzah!" Takemikazuchi said. He threw his head back and laughed, talking to thin air. "I agree, drawing women's breasts does make for a good occupation!"
"...What the fuck," Daikoku said.
xXx
.
"You mustn't be so down on yourself. You may have memories of the incident, but that was your previous incarnation. You are not your predecessor, you are you, the man who was reborn.
"Of course I am jealous of that woman attaining a hafuri! When my own shinki refuse to show me loyalty. Although I suppose Kiun is somewhat loyal."
("Why is my master talking about himself in the third person?" Kiun said.
"It's almost like stream-of-consciousness, the way he's mumblin'," Daikoku said.)
xXx
.
"I am not listening to you," Bishamon said loudly to no one. Daikoku and Kiun glanced at each other. "You do nothing but continue to hurt my Kazuma. He deserves to be left alone. He deserves something better than you.
("Is she talkin' about herself? Sayin' she's not good enough for Kazuma?" Daikoku said. Kiun lifted his phone.
"I do not know, but her hair is terrible and I'm certain my master will like this picture on his phone.")
xXx
.
"HAH?! You shitty asshole, I don't care that you're a top-rate mangaka! You need to stop botherin' Kazuma!"
Daikoku and Kiun glanced at Yukine, who shrugged.
"I dunno, he is a shitty asshole and he does need to stop bothering Kazuma-san."
xXx
.
"Thanks for comin'," Daikoku said.
They were having a meeting with all the other shinki, with Mayu and Kiun along with Yukine and Hiyori. "So we're all here 'cuz there's something weird goin' on with the other gods."
"What do you mean, weird?" Yukine said, even though he'd already known about Kazuma's spell and Kiyotsugu's big brother. He glanced at Hiyori.
"I don't know if you'd seen it, but all the other gods are actin' weird. Fighting and talking to themselves. Sometimes it sounds like they're arguing with thin air."
"I too noticed something funny," Mayu said. "Just the other day, Tenjin-sama stood at the steps of the shrine and started to pontificate about something, I thought perhaps he was talking to another god or shinki but when I looked out, no one was talking to him."
Kiun was playing with a mobile game on his phone. "My master is always weird," he said.
"You haven't seen anything? I'd seen Yato acting weird all week," Daikoku said. Yukine fidgeted.
"Uh, I dunno, Yato is always weird. And gods are on a different level and stuff, maybe they're talking to the heavens on invisible phones."
"That is patently absurd, as the heavens do not use smart phones," Kiun said.
xXx
.
"Kiyotsugu-san," Yukine said. "The other shinki are getting suspicious. Daikoku and Kiun were following Take and Bishamon, and now they've started following Yato, too."
"Dammit, Nii-san," Kazuma said. He rubbed his forehead.
"Whaddaya gonna do?" Yukine said.
"Nothing right now. But if the situation worsens I'll have to erase his memories again."
"Well why haven't you?" Yukine said. Kazuma spread his hands.
"He is still drawn to me even without his memories, but I suppose I can use umbra to avoid him. It's just that he's my brother, I don't want to hide from him."
"I think I understand," Yukine said. "I was hellbent on finding my sister, if I were in your place I'd still want to be with her, too."