Chapter 6 "One must not be discouraged by setbacks"
Okay, Alec is officially lost. He's blinking rapidly, frantically trying to find the common sense in not only Magnus' behavior but in all of this. Whatever this is.
The man sitting next to him, who continuously refuses to give up their physical touch and permanently connects at least their shoulders, confuses him. Magnus hasn't left his personal space since his incident, glued to him like a magnet, but keeps on sending just too many mixed signals.
There are moments. The way too attractive man is obviously flirtatious. Alec is neither stupid nor naïve. He detects when someone tries to hit on him. No matter how subtle it may be. His job depends on reading people's behavior and foreseeing hidden intentions.
But to be honest, he doesn't know why this intelligent and kind and absolutely gorgeous man tries to actually flirt with him. It's not as if Alec is someone special. He has nothing fancy to offer. Quite on the contrary. Being a burden is a big turn-off for probably everyone. And Alec is a mess. A big one. Physically and mentally.
Nevertheless, Magnus does. And Alec can't say that he's not flattered. Okay, he likes it. A lot. Not only do his knees go weak by just thinking about what might be, but his entire body melts like ice in the summer sun. His heart pumps a half beat faster to which his butterflies dance a sensual tango.
But the moment Alec wants to react to it, it seems as if Alec's mere presence pains the other man and subconsciously reacts with rejection. Almost as if his instincts tried to flee. It's just too strange. There are so many inconsistencies floating around the person called Magnus Bane. A mystery that Alec can't decode.
Alec's alarm bells are all ringing loudly, reminding him how weird this all sounds. But strangely, his heart is at ease. Even more. His heart feels an energetic pull towards this man who takes his breath away. Every single time he gets lost in those beautiful cat-eyes. He never guessed that he had a kink for flamboyant contact lenses or make-up, but Magnus wears all of that with such pride and dignity that it amazes Alec.
And he's sure that what's between them goes beyond just physical attraction. There is a muted connection, like a red ribbon binding their souls, weaving a solid bridge between them.
No, he silently shakes his head. He knows Magnus for less than 24 hours and his head is almost thinking of having kids with him. Fuck! Slow down, Alec.
Yet. What's this all about? He has to focus, keeping a clear head to get the needed answers. His feelings can't cloud his judgment.
He'd better think of the reason why Magnus ordered their food like they're an old couple, blindly knowing what their partner's desires are. On top, he ordered an extra portion for Alec. As if he had to make sure that he gained weight again. Alec knows he's lost quite some pounds over the last months. His sweaters are hanging low on him, looking like bags. But Magnus doesn't know. Shouldn't know. Wait...
His eyes are fixed on Magnus, searching for answers that explain his irritating actions, but his face stays blank. Muted. Frozen in time. All Alec can sense is that the man next to him is nervous. But still, the hoped-for answers remain unsaid.
"Sorry, if that came out too rude. That was never my intention," Alec tries to relieve the tension in the air. "But normally, I order my food by myself." He points to his chest demonstratively. Then he puts it carefully on Magnus' hand lying on his lap, covering it completely. Alec sighs, feeling relieved when the feared renewed attack doesn't start again. He caresses Magnus' soft knuckles gently with his thumb. "I honestly don't mind. And, besides, you've chosen the right dish," Alec blurts out fastly as Magnus' discomfort doesn't vanish. He has to get Magnus talking. An honest talk. About all the topics hanging thickly in the air.
"I'm sorry, Alexander. I haven't thought this through. I don't know why I did that. I must have been confused. Maybe because of my weak moment earlier," Magnus whispers. He turns his eyes down, fixating Alec's hand on top of his.
"No, oh no, Magnus, don't be. I really don't mind," Alec assures him, relief flooding his body when he witnesses that Magnus' facial features finally soften. He exhales long. "There you go. That's better. Sorrow doesn't suit you, you know," praises Alec, squeezing Magnus's hand lightly. His heart sobs seeing him in his miserable state. His urge to try to find a way to cheer him up overwhelms him, but in a positive way.
"You are listening conscientiously, but tell me, why did you order an extra portion? Am I too thin for your liking?!" he chuckles freely, still trying to lighten up the mood.
And he really doesn't mind what Magnus did. Because, to be honest, wasn't that exactly what he's been longing for in the past few months? Finding someone who cared and took care of him? Having someone at his side who knows exactly what he wants? What he needs? Listening to his desires?
And now, there is actually someone sitting next to him who does just that. Who pays attention. Who listens when he speaks and comprehends his words. Naturally. As if he'd done this a thousand times before. As if it's normal behavior between them. This should scare him, but instead, it amazes him. He's flattered, loves the thought with every fiber of his body.
A bit embarrassed, he begins to blush slightly, because Magnus has picked up his liking of waffles in a situation in which he had been teased. It's even more astonishing how attentive and empathetic Magnus really is. It's taking Alec's breath away, relieved to finally be noticed.
But it's not a nice world out there. Bad things have happened, leaving Alec unsure whether he can drop his walls. What he knows, however, is that he deliberately leaves his hand on Magnus', needing to expand their physical connection. With his thumb, he gently rubs small patterns on it.
"Are you feeling better now?" Alec asks, sympathy and concern sparkling in his eyes. But Magnus doesn't react. "Magnus, please, look at me. Talk to me. Whatever it is, we can work it out." Alec suppresses his urge to gently touch Magnus' chin and turn it in his direction.
After what feels like forever, Magnus complies, and Alec's world comes to a standstill. His breath stops and he swallows a big lump.
Magnus' eyes are mesmerizing. The longer he can immerse himself in the deep worlds of the other man's eyes, the more he has the feeling that a gray veil is dissolving in front of him. He's so near that he can take a closer look and what he sees is absolutely out of this world. They're shimmering beautifully, slightly changing color between yellow and green with a sprinkle of gold on top. Alec is sure, Magnus is hypnotizing him as Kaa did with Mowgli, letting him step into a swirl of frenzy emotions.
"To be honest, no. But I guess, I will be. As always." Magnus' words echoing loudly through their thick silence, allowing Alec to escape back to the present.
These words, underlined with so much pain and sadness, dive deep through his body, shattering his heart and soul. How can a man who seems to have everything be so plagued with sorrow? Magnus looks iperfect/i. He has an exquisite taste in clothes and styling, and on top of it enough money to finance his lifestyle. But joy cannot be bought with money, Alec guesses. Well, at least no long-term joy…
"Alexander, again, I didn't mean to be overbearing." Magnus' voice is soft, almost whispering.
Alec knows he has to make a decision. A decision to where their journey should take them, instantly realizing he doesn't want to let it end right here and now. So he briefly closes his eyes, consciously breathing in and out.
"There are too many sorries being said in this room already. As I mentioned before — it's fine. So please, just let it slide. I'm totally in for waffles. You cared well for me. Thank you, Magnus. It's something… I'm not used to," he praises him, trying to smoothen Magnus' tension. And to show Magnus how seriously and honestly he meant it, he opens a door to a room to which only one person has had access so far. It's time to share his story.
Magnus takes a sharp breath. Although he knows that Alec only tried to cheer him up, his words punish him, showering him with sorrow. It's one thing to hear Alec's struggle reported plainly by a third person. But having all of this reflected in Alec's eyes is crushing him, obliterating his heart. Everything that Magnus was complicit in, he would have to face now, hearing it from Alec and experiencing it with him through his memory. But he would accept it with a kiss, if Alec had enough confidence in him, trusting him enough to tell him his story. Because it's the prerequisite for all that will come. He needs to build up Alec's trust, intensify it and hopefully not lose it on their way to tear down the Accords, taking back their stolen life.
But until then, he has to pull himself together, collecting himself. He's already given too much away. He turns his head to the side, hiding the veil of emerging tears, and clenches his jaw slightly, letting the corner of his lips tremble.
No matter how painful it gets, hearing all of this, he must be strong for Alec and be a good listener, a steady wall to lean on. He can be and will be the trustworthy friend Alec needs, so he will share his past.
When Magnus realizes Alec doesn't start talking again, Magnus turns to him and asks, "Is nobody there, taking care of you?"
At first, Alec looks puzzled, considering his options, leaving Magnus unsure what was making the nephilim so unsettled, desperately praying to Alec's personal angel to show his mercy.
For once, he should be on their side, for fuck's sake.
Alec's gaze is fixed straight ahead. "No." His answer, his confession is barely audible and yet resounds through the thick silence between them like a scream directed to Magnus' heart. It replies with whispered sobs, breaking slowly apart. He clenches his free hand into a fist and squeezes it firmly, accepting the distracting pain with a kiss. It keeps him from diving into his urge to comfort Alec, hugging him like a shielding blanket. He's still in control, but time's ticking.
It anguishes Magnus to hear what Alec had to go through with no guiding help at his side. But it's like a personal Edom for him not being able to speak openly to Alec, truly honestly.
Even more, he has to pretend to be clueless. He has to lie to him, acting against all his principles, against everything that defines him. At first, he tried to stretch the truth, circumnavigating answers. But in the end, it's just the same under a different colored cover. His words remained lies, and far too many had the warlock delivered to his love. Each one of them being a sharp knife cutting wounds into his flesh. What will be left afterwards?
He should protect Alec, not hurt him, for fuck's sake.
"Alexander, everyone has someone close. Especially someone as impressive as you."
Alec's cheek turns a faint rose color. A sight that would normally leave Magnus speechless and humming low in appreciating. But the circumstances are changed, and every sparkle of joy is turning into a slap in his face. But now is not the time to whine. Not a time to be pathetic. That won't help neither Alec nor him. He has to stick to the plan and keep on playing this doomed game. Everything else he'll have to sort out later. Straighten up.
"Everything all right?" His most favorite hazel eyes are piercing at him, sparkling with braveness and curiosity, showing off how much the owner cares for him. The empathic question about his well-being hits Magnus unprepared, but snatches him out of his dark spiral of thoughts. "With me?" he asks innocently.
"Yeah, you… Why are you taking this trip? I mean, I've been doing this job for months now, but this… this is different."
"Different?" Magnus replies, hoping to switch the topic somehow. By Lilith, why won't Alec stop asking questions he can't answer?
"To start with: Nobody takes such a small suitcase for a trip halfway across the country, for days… so… tell me, what's the story behind this? There has to be one." Alec's eyes reflect a seriousness that takes Magnus by surprise, letting him tremble. What does Alec mean? Where has the ease of their conversation gone?
"From what are you running away?" he asks, his voice strong and direct, pinning Magnus down.
"Running away?" Magnus feels caught, squeezed in a corner. "Well, but quite the contrary. I'm more on a quest," he evades, swallowing a big lump.
"A quest for what?" The warlock bites the inside of his cheek to avoid answering directly that he's more looking for someone. And why does it feel more like an interrogation than a conversation? It seems as if the roles have changed. Instead of Alec finally telling his story, Magnus has to pay in advance. But if that's the key to Alec's trust, he would happily go all in.
"My future," he answers honestly, truthfully. And yet, Magnus wishes to had lied this time, because voicing this out to Alec makes it real, tangible. It's the catalyst that will make everything worse for him. The weight and significance of his words hang over them like a leaden cloud, preventing Magnus to breathe properly. Still, he has to go on. "But, to be honest, I'm afraid it may be lost forever."
Alec chuckles low and Magnus feels a strong squeeze to his hand as if to assure him it's not a reaction because of him specifically. "Such an irony."
"How come?" Magnus is confused, lost by Alec's remark. It makes him uncomfortable, a very uncommon feeling for him. But what wouldn't he endure for this man?
"First, I have to find my past, before I can let myself dream of a future," he admits after a long pause, turning his gaze back to Magnus who has to hide his upcoming tears, deeply touched by Alec's sudden openness.
Alec can't understand why he has such an immense urge to please this man. The urge to present himself, his body and soul. He wants to show Magnus he is worth the effort, whatever that will lead them to.
"In order to search, you must have experienced losing," states Magnus matter-of-factly, leaving Alec startled like a deer caught in the headlights. On their still connected hands, Magnus senses the younger man's sweat, feeling miserable for making Alec that nervous.
Alec brushes a streak of hair away from his face and clears his throat, deeply breathing in and out. "I had an accident six months ago. When I woke up in the hospital, they said a cyclist accidentally ran me over. Apparently, I hit my head, leaving me with amnesia that tore all relevant information away," Alec tells, visibly proud that he can recite this without a sob.
"Since then, everything has been a struggle, a fight I'm constantly at bay of losing." Carefully, to give Alec time to silently voice his consent, the warlock lifts his hand to frame Alec's face, gently brushing a tear away.
"I wonder where my family is... If I have one… being alone is…" His voice fails, overwhelmed by the softness of Magnus' gesture.
"Alexander, darling, I am sure they are looking for you. Desperately fighting to get you back," he assures, trying to flood his love with comfort.
"They had six months. Six long months to find me. Maybe I don't wanna get found by now." Alec's eyes are fixed on Magnus, underlining his words with an unfamiliar harshness that frightens him, leaving him strangely empty inside.
He wonders if a heart can die, leaving only a functional working body behind. A shell that magically continues to live, but being dead inside. Tortured to death by emotional pain.
Alec's chosen path leads him to the edge of finding out. His negative attitude is excruciating, forcing Magnus' blood to be traded with agony, now running through his veins. And only the throbbing anguish in his chest pretends that he's still breathing, pushing his ribcage up and down. But inside, Magnus has passed away long ago.
The dark shadow dulling Magnus' glow, scurrying over his face, doesn't go unnoticed by Alec. "I'm sorry. Let's change the topics, shall we?" Alec says after a long and heavy pause, frightening Magnus whether he might raise his walls again.
"Believe me. You should trust them. They are looking for you," Magnus keeps trying, being aware that he owes the effort to many people. Especially Alec.
"Then you have to believe for both of us, but I…" Alec is interrupted by the server, bringing their food. While she sets the plates on the table and apologizes for not having cocktails, Magnus keeps caressing Alec's knuckles.
Lightly, he strokes the spot where his wedding ring could be proudly worn one day, silently praying that there's still a chance left for this to happen.
But the longer they're sitting side by side, eating their waffles and pursuing their thoughts in unprecedented silence, the harder it gets for Magnus to escape his spiral of negative thoughts. There is no self-control left that could bring him back once he takes that final step.
Alec's last words are haunting his mind. He's martyring himself whether this is Alec's true opinion or if it's just a defensive stance to keep everyone far away?
He doesn't want to be found, Magnus realizes, and cold sweat is running down his back. No! He can't accept that. That's not a selectable option for him.
But fuck, is that really the best for Alec? Does he have the right to snatch Alec out of this new life? It's no less hard, sure, but maybe more carefree. Perhaps, dragging him back into his ominous shadowhunter universe would make it worse?
A life with all its doctrines, rules and laws. And it's not as if they wouldn't have to face consequences. Until now, Magnus hadn't even thought about what would happen to them for disregarding Alec's punishment.
But right now, Alec is unbound, has the possibility to restart his life with no interfering conventions. He can be, who he truly is, living his life freely, openly, and not living a lie to please his parents.
Telling Alec would take this chance away from him. Magnus can't be that selfish, can he?
What if this independence has set him free? What if it gives him the needed wings to transition into the Alec sitting next to him?
What if Magnus saw a future where Alec is chained up once again? Now with 'Magnus' written on the nameplate.
What if he's supposed to just stand up now and walk out of Alec's life? Would the images of a future fade or continue to gnaw on him? He really wants to fight, but his strength is running low.
By all the angels, Magnus is sure he'll die during the process of deciding, trembling from the grief. Throughout all this time, he only wanted happiness for his shadowhunter. He would do anything for Alec, sacrifice everything.
And maybe that's the sacrifice he has to make. To return home alone. Maybe he should draw back and just accept that at home, only cold emptiness will wait for him. And he's so sick of being lonely. He's sick of coming home to only be greeted by his cat, to eat his meal alone, to watch a movie, and then go to bed, where he wakes up just as lonely as the morning before. Day after day. Month after month. Decade after decade.
The ringing of his cell phone pulls him out of his deep thoughts. He searches his pockets for it and once found, he looks for the caller ID. With a swiping motion, he declines Izzy's call. They all agreed to not call him. If necessary, he would get in touch with them. So he put the phone aside.
"I'm sorry," Magnus says, not just for the disturbance, even more for his mental absence. He's hoping he can pick up their conversation, now that they're almost done with dinner.
"No problem, answer the call next time. I don't mind," replies Alec, pointing to the phone as an underlining gesture. And as if he'd willed it, the phone starts ringing again. Quickly, Magnus rejects the call again, feeling Alec's burning eyes on him. Getting a call from her is not a good sign, but he really doesn't want to get involved in more shadowhunter business. One problem at a time.
"Don't you want to answer? It seems to be urgent," Alec states matter-of-factly.
Before Magnus has the chance to answer him, the phone disturbs them again. He rolls his eyes and snorts in frustration, picking up the phone. It's Izzy's name that screams from the display. After taking a deep breath, he voices a silent sorry to Alec and answers the phone.
"Well, hello darling, how may I help you?" Magnus comes straight to the point, deliberately keeping the call as short as possible.
"Breathe, my dear. Slow down. Tell me what happened… no… No, that can't be true. I told him more than enough to not… He shouldn't have acted that stupidly... No, don't go after him... You can't trust them… Please, just wait, Jace should..."
He freezes, instantly regretting his slip. He doesn't bear to look up. The line on the phone dies instantly. Surely, Izzy noticed his mistake.
"Jace?" The name is rushing out of Alec, his breathing hitched.
Jace.
That name sounds so familiar to Alec.
Jace.
The name reverberates in his head. It's thrown back, crashing down on him even louder. Over and over again.
Jace.
He recognizes that name. From a time far away, before the accident had destroyed his life. Then, the name had rolled over his lips countless times.
The moment he meets Magnus' gaze, he gets the needed affirmation. He sees enough. Magnus' shocked face, his saddened eyes marked by the pain of concealment.
Alec's body trembles. What fucked up game is this?!
"What did the lady tell you? Who is Izzy?" Alec grits out. He presses a hand onto Magnus' shoulder, slightly squeezing it, clarifying that he wants answers now.
Magnus looks at him, meeting a darker shade of Alec's eyes. He raises his hands in defense, trying to appease him. This is taking the wrong turn.
"Look, Alexander, can we talk about this later? I need to head out to make a call," Magnus says with an unsteady voice, almost broken.
"Yes… I mean no! What the fuck is this all about? And who is Jace? I want to know now," Alec pleads, feeling more lost than ever before. The strong pull towards the person called Jace overwhelms him, and he doesn't understand why.
Magnus neither. And that's killing him even more. As if there were a superlative version of dying. He keeps telling himself that Alec recognizes Jace's name because of their deep parabatai bond and tries to swallow his jealousy, suppressing it despite the pain. But his heart is suffering from this cut.
"I know him from a fantasy book club," he desperately tries to distract him, keeping him away from the topic.
"Bullshit! And don't tell me that's why you wear contacts!" Alec's voice is becoming more demanding, anger rising within him. But Magnus can't cope properly with it. It's just crashing down too fast. He can't ithink/i. He owes Alec answers, but the situation overwhelms him.
He gets up and flees to the restroom where he takes a deep breath, trying to clear his mind, allowing his lungs to fill up with much-needed oxygen. He leans his forehead against the cold tiles on the wall, grounding him.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. He can't do it. He feels tears running down his face, but he doesn't care anymore. He's done.
In the distance, he can hear footsteps quickly approaching the room. The door swings open and what then happens, lets his heartbeat race faster than ever.
Strong hands turn him over, pressing him flush against the wall. Soft lips are meeting his own. A warm tongue gently traces along them, demanding entrance.
Magnus whimpers quietly, touch-starved as he is. He can't believe it. His beloved Alec is standing in front of him, smelling like a delicious dessert. His cheeks glowing, his lips already slightly swollen, hair all messy and with a smirk on his lips which sends waves of anticipation through Magnus's body.
The warlock is lost. He can't help but give in. He clashes against Alec and allows their tongues to meet for the first time, dancing a perfect rhythm of love. He hums low, suppressing an upcoming moan.
They only part when their need to breathe properly becomes too urgent, leaving both heavily panting.
Magnus's mind clears up first. He freezes. Too flabbergasted to think, he gently, but steadily, pushes Alec aside and slides a hand over his neck and face.
Stunned eyes blink at him, requesting an answer. But it's not as if Magnus hasn't got one or two questions as well.
He peeks at Alec, processing the last minutes. "What was that?"
"It's called kissing," Alec giggles and Magnus joins in, getting out some pent-up tension.
"Okay, what was that for?" He grins mischievously. Alec's cheeks get slightly dusted again with a pinkish color.
"A test," he admits. "The instant pull to you. The fact you know stuff about me. The whole set up journey... your eyes... you." He walks up to Magnus, gently taking his face in his hands, and looks directly into his sparkling cat-eyes.
"I'm not stupid, Magnus. You know me, right?" Magnus swallows hard, unable to say anything.
Alec's warm lips are meeting his once again. It's just a whiff, a glimpse of a promised land, but he cherishes the moment.
"Answer me," Alec whispers softly against his lips.
"Alec, I… "
"You don't want to?" he asks. He can't hide his disappointment. "I can't have read everything wrong, can I?"
"By all your angels, I want to. But there are things I have to tell you first," Magnus admits brokenhearted.
"Angels?" Alec looks at him with big eyes, critically, but with no judgment.
"You trust me?"
Alec straightens up. His eyes are piercing at Magnus, shining brighter and clearer than ever before. "I don't know why. But I do. With my life."
The warlock closes his eyes and gives himself a moment to let that wash over him. And to evaluate his options.
There's no better way, right? He has to do it. Otherwise, he could never forgive himself. He has to try it at least, no matter the consequences. Besides, they're both tired from the last night and the day so far. They'll need a place to rest. A safe place to be more open. Since Jace has gone missing, surely because of Valentine and despite his warnings. The shadowhunters will be his death someday.
He steps back and twirls his hand, elegantly twisting it. In front of the mirrors, a golden shimmering portal appears.
Where mundane people would now be scared to death, Alec's not. He's not frightened. He doesn't even flinch. Instead, he's calm, fixing his eyes on Magnus.
"Where does the portal lead us?" Alec asks with a firm voice.
Magnus grins knowingly and offers him his hand. "Finding your parabatai."
Magnus - Jace - Izzy - parabatai. A warm and familiar feeling is spreading its wings deep inside of him, and the veil in front of his eyes begins to dissolve furthermore.
He takes the outstretched hand, squeezing it tightly. He steps closer to Magnus and entangles their fingers, taking the warlock as his grounding anchor through the unknown sea ahead. Fearlessly, they walk through the wobbling surface.
…..
"Mrs. Inquisitor. The warlock in arrest cell 2 confirmed that Mr. Bane has activated his magic."
"Find him. And if he contacted Mr. Lightwood, arrest them both!"