Legend of the Godly Wolf -大神伝説-
Chapter 6: Fahrenheit 421
Author's notes are at the end this time.
6:50 PM, April 20, 2020
I can't let anyone see me. I have to be careful. Isabelle looked around warily as she slunk through the halls of the Smash Hotel, making her way towards Room 239. The coast was clear so she ran towards the door, looking behind her again once her hand was on the doorknob. If anyone discovered what she was involved with it would be disastrous. She opened the door, and —
"Dame da ne! Dame yo, dame na no yo." A silver hedgehog with wild, upturned spikes was singing off-key karaoke, with a sizable crowd watching, most of them smoking marijuana. Pit was relaxing in an armchair cautiously puffing on a stogie, Dark Pit was standing off to the side with a purple cat Isabelle didn't recognize, Roy was on the couch in the center of the room gazing in awe at the smoldering tip of his doobie, Wario was on the other end of the couch with a blunt dangling precariously from his gaping maw, Squirtle was laying on the back of the couch behind them with his arms and legs retracted into his shell, and King Dedede was lounging in an armchair on the far end of the room with three large joints clamped in his beak. Isabelle was reluctant to shut the door because of the thin haze hanging over the room but she did so in order to ensure their privacy.
"Hey, Isabelle, glad you could make it!" Dark Pit greeted her, less stand-offish than usual and holding a fatty aloft. Isabelle opened her mouth to respond but instead broke into a coughing fit.
"Are you alright?" The cat asked, running up to her. Isabelle nodded, though she was too winded to respond. "Silver, take a break from that and help us out here!"
The hedgehog immediately quit his singing and looked down despondently, whining "I was nearly finished! You always have to be so serious, don't you?" Despite his complaints, he enthusiastically held up his gloved hands, which began to glow, and Isabelle felt the air clearing around her and saw a chair move through the air on its own and land beside her.
"Thanks," Isabelle gasped as she sat down. "Did you do that?" she asked the hedgehog.
He nodded and opened his mouth to speak, but Wario stood up and shoved him aside. "It's my turn now!" He declared, vigorously pressing on the remote to restart the song.
The cat ran over to support the stumbling hedgehog before he could trip and answered Isabelle's question: "His powers are quite something, aren't they. This is Silver, and I'm Blaze. You must be Isabelle: the angels were talking about you but I'm surprised you showed up."
"You powers aren't anything to scoff at either, Blaze, especially today!" Silver proclaimed. Blaze beamed at him, though the smile faded as Wario began to utter guttural shouts that must have been his idea of signing.
"Sorry about that." Isabelle said. "I've never been to a 4/20 party before. After what happened yesterday, however, I thought it could do some good for me."
"Neither have I," Pit interjected, "I almost smoked weed once, when Dark Pit gave me some, but Palutena took it away. She said it makes you stupid. Wolfutena and Pittoo say that she's the stupid one though. Maybe there's even pot that can make you smarter like reading does. Hey, Sonic buddies, do you have any smart weed?"
Blaze shook her head. "Pit, you really need to learn the difference between fantasy and reality. Silver, can you hold my hand?" The hedgehog looked down, trying to conceal his excitement, but his broad grin was impossible to hide as he grasped Blaze's outstretched hand. "Anyway, we should be going soon," the feline continued, "but let's get you set up before we go, Isabelle, if you want."
"Yeah, that would be good," Isabelle said, "but are you guys really Dark Pit's dealers?"
Blaze shook her head, the red jewel on her forehead glinting as she did so. "I don't like thinking of us as dealers. We're simply proud of what we grow and love to share it. Otherwise, we just wish to tend our land in peace, not unlike cabbaging Cincinnatus, though what we're growing is certainly not cabbage."
"Yeah," Silver added, "plants are the best! It's awesome when people enjoy what we grow, but we have to be careful who we trust. Just this morning some Peter Pan-looking kid threw a tantrum because we wouldn't sell to him. He was screaming about how we ruined his dank percent run or something silly like that."
"Wow, so you grow all of this?" Pit asked. "Seems like a weird hobby for you two."
Silver shrugged nonchalantly. "Well, it isn't the strangest work Blaze has done."
"Silver, shut up!" Blaze hissed. He muttered an apology and Blaze patted him on the shoulder consolingly, then addressed Pit. "Actually, I had a similar impression when I first found Silver trying to grow vegetables in an old battlefield. However, being from a post-apocalyptic future, restoring life to a barren wasteland was a deeply personal struggle for him and I was happy to help. After all, what princess doesn't love nature? We've made rapid progress there, too. It used to be naught but dark and messy dirt but now it is covered with pretty things so happy that I daresay our garden has surpast Eve and Adam's."
As Blaze spoke Silver stretched out his free hand and a joint floated out of a camo duffle bag and glided in front of the pair.
"This is the mildest stuff we have. Is this good?" Silver asked.
"I think that would be a fine fit for her." Blaze affirmed. "Do you have any objections, Isabelle?"
The dog shook her head. "I don't really know much here, so I'll trust your judgement."
Flames sprang to life at the tip of Blaze's little finger, burning bright. "She truly lives up to her name." Silver stated breathlessly, gazing longingly at the fiery feline. "What is there about fire that's so lovely? No matter what age we are, what draws us to it? All I know is that I can't look away from her when she's like this. I mean, Blaze could play around in the Himalayas for hours and she would be perfectly fine."
Blaze ignited the doobie and it drifted over to Isabelle, who caught it in her mouth. "Make sure you inhale!" Dark Pit called out, "Unlike a certain dumbass President. Fuck Bill Clinton!"
She attempted to do so, which only led to a violent coughing fit.
"I guess she isn't a natural like me!" Pit bragged.
"What does that even mean? How can you be a natural at smoking?" Isabelle gasped.
"Don't worry," Blaze remarked as Silver opened the door with his telekinesis, "you'll get the hang of it."
"Hold it!" Dark Pit ordered. "Sorry to be blunt," (Pit and King Dedede snickered at this unintended pun) "but this is urgent. You guys are friends with Sonic; did he ask you to get involved in Palutena's schemes with him?"
"He did," Blaze admitted, "but we don't want to get caught up in that silly quarrel. We have better things to do."
"Like each other!" Pit exclaimed, making King Dedede laugh even harder but earning him a glare from Dark Pit and stunned, offended looks from the couple. To Dark Pit's alarm, the two of them turned around and began walking towards the door. However, he continued to press them.
"But you know him much better than any of us. You have connections with both sides of this conflict and, with Blaze's diplomatic experience and Silver's natural charisma, you would be the best mediators we could hope for. If there's anyone who could get this misunderstanding resolved peacefully, it's you two!"
"Well said," replied Silver, "but we must cultivate our garden." The couple walked through the door, which shut itself behind them.
"Shit." Dark Pit groaned. "Way to go, Pit. You fucked up our best shot at getting your goddess and her 'friends club' off our back."
"Chill out. All I did was state the obvious. Actually, perhaps it wouldn't normally be obvious to me; this smart weed must have increased my perceptiveness!"
Dark Pit shook his head scornfully. "Pit, prince of dumb remarks. Why would he be so excited to hold her hand if they were already banging? Also, if the so-called wisdom weed was actually making you smarter you would have said something more subtle and clever, like 'do you mean country matters?' Oh, who am I kidding, it would be ridiculous for this royal dunce to speak like a royal Dane."
"Country matters? Royal Dane?" Pit repeated, bewildered. "What does that even mean? I don't think —"
"You think nothing, my lord." His doppleganger interrupted.
Roy nodded in agreement and stated, "That's a fair thought to lie between maids' legs."
Dark Pit turned to the prince, grinning expectantly. "What is, my lord?"
Roy smirked back and, after stifling his giggling, replied "Nothing." The two burst out laughing and high-fived each other.
"This guy gets it!" Dark Pit declared. Pit looked at Isabelle pleadingly but she had no idea what was happening either and desperately searched her mind for a different subject to discuss.
"Isn't it Marth and Lucina's birthday today? You usually go to their party, don't you Roy?" She asked.
He shook his head. "Nah, I haven't been buddies with Marth for a while. We were good friends back in the day, when there weren't many other royal swordsmen here and we didn't speak English, but since then numerous others from his world have joined us so we sort of drifted apart. Besides, Lucina isn't even celebrating her birthday with her family this year. I'm not sure what she's doing, come to think of it."
Isabelle nodded, then noticed that Pit had not ceased staring at her. She glanced over and noted the hungry look in his eyes. "What is it?" She asked.
"Looks like… floor ice cream." He dreamily stated as he stood up. He walked over to her, gripped her head, and began to nom on her ear.
"Aieee!" She cried out. Dark Pit ran over and pulled the other angel off of her.
"Not cool man!" He scolded as he pinned Pit's arms behind his back. "You can't go around biting people's ears! Who do you think you are?"
Pit struggled to get free. "I'm the best ever. I'm the most brutal and vicious and most ruthless champion there's ever been, there's no one can stop me. I'm Alexander the Great! You're not Alexander! My style is impetuous, my defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious!" He shouted.
What the hell is he on about? Dark Pit asked himself. Does he even know he's saying? Where did he pick up a word like "impetuous?" "Damn, I take it back. You're not a natural at all." He accused Pit.
King Dedede, Roy, and Wario laughed at the scene, but Squirtle merely yawned and withdrew his head into his shell.
"Oh, no!" Pit cried. "Is he asleep? He said he was going to tell us about when he went to the moon with Wailord and Dragonite. Now we'll never find out how this blue dude got off the stupid moon!"
Roy seized the opportunity provided by this distraction to yank the remote out of Wario's hands.
"Now we can watch Lucas's Ōkami speedrun!" He declared. "He's been doing a stream every time the game's anniversary comes around for the past couple years and I haven't missed it yet."
The mention of that game sparked something in Isabelle's mind. "Oh, that reminds me!" she exclaimed, "I was wondering where Wolfutena is."
"Someone wanted to meet him at the old Subspace base. I'm sure he's fine." Dark Pit explained.
Isabelle nodded and tried taking another drag on her joint. This time, she felt herself relax. It was a pleasure to burn.
The old Subspace base struck Wolfutena as a very peculiar place to meet. It had been years since it was used for anything; the walls had collapsed in places, the glare of the setting sun streaming through providing the only light in the facility, and the floors were totally bare aside from a stray cardboard box. As Wolfutena looked around for any sign of life a gruff voice called out, "Kept me waiting, huh?"
Wolfutena turned around to see a man emerging from the box. He straightened up and stretched, then lit a cigarette, the dim glow highlighting the face of Solid Snake. "Is that some sort of joke, Snake?" the wolf asked.
"Uh, sort of." He admitted, puffing on his cigarette. "Sorry this is so out of the way, I just wanted to make sure that no one's watching us."
"Understandable," Wolfutena replied, nodding. "Let me guess, this is going to be like yesterday with Saki. Plautena got in touch with you about me and now you want to question me, learn about the legend firsthand, right?"
Snake scoffed. "Legends are usually bad news. It's all well and good to have dreams, a desire to build a better future, but if you go getting the idea the world you want to see is so important that you need to force others to submit to it than maybe it isn't so noble after all. I've met a couple dreamers like that and had to give them rude awakenings."
Wolfutena smiled. "So you're saying you don't believe that ideal ends justify the most abominable means?"
Snake glared back. "Not at all," he snarled, "and if you're up to something like that then I can't afford to just sit around."
The goddess shook his head. "Calm down, I'm not interested in anything like that. The whole 'ideal ends' thing was just something from a movie I like. I've worked for a couple people with beliefs like that but can't say I've ever thought that way myself. For most of my life I've never wanted to lead anything bigger than a mercenary team. I've made plenty of enemies just doing that, but someone trying to forcibly rule over a planet or a whole solar system would have far more. Worse, their enemies would be coming from within, those they were ruling over resenting them. Nowadays I think, instead of using my powers to make others do my bidding, I'd like to use them so I don't have to do others' bidding."
Snake nodded. "I see what you mean. I got fed up with taking orders after the Shadow Moses incident. That's why Otacon and I started up Philanthropy, so we could work on what we felt was most important."
"I can sort of relate." Wolfutena replied. "I wasn't picky about the kinds of jobs I would take, which is probably how I made so many enemies, but I at least always wanted the freedom to do things my way. The clients would leave the means to me and I would bring about the ends."
"Settle down there, Machiavelli. Anyway, it didn't sound like I'd have a say in the ends or the means working for Palutena, so that's not something I want to get involved with if I can help it.
Wolfutena's ears pricked up at his remark. "What else did you hear about Palutena's plans?" He asked. "Do you know who else she's trying to get involved?"
Snake took a slow drag on his cigarette before answering. "Well, Shulk mentioned he was talking to four people, but he only told me three of them. He said he was talking to Saki Amamiya, Samus Aran, and Samus's boyfriend, that lucky bastard being me, of course."
Wolfutena paced back and forth, considering this development. "Huh, there must be some reason he wouldn't name the fourth person. Thanks for the tip. If there's nothing else you wanted to ask then I'll be going. I have to make sure those angels aren't getting up to trouble. No wonder Palutena lost her mind, having to put up with Pit all the time."
"Actually, there is something else." Snake said. "Is your favorite movie really The Prin…" He trailed off, grimacing slightly, then rephrased the question: "I mean, what's your favorite movie?"
"Ape and Essence." Wolfutena replied without hesitation.
"Ape and Essence?" Snake repeated quizzically.
"Correct." He answered. "It's about how, in the aftermath of World War III, post-apocalyptic California is ruled by a Satanic cult."
"Wasn't that a book too," Snake asked, "from the author of Brave New World?"
The wolf eyed Snake suspiciously, ears laid back. "Nope, I have no clue where you'd get any idea like that. An original screenplay by William Tallis. A real genius, shame he never lived to see it filmed."
"A genius? Heh," a puff of smoke billowed from Snake's mouth as he snorted at the notion. "I'm pretty sure anyone who's visited L.A. and lived to escape from it can imagine that whole state as a wasteland under Beelzebub's dominion."
"Well, for all I know it could be a real shit-hole," Wolfutena confessed, "but that doesn't diminish the impact of the film's story. Its scathing critique of the follies of mankind is captivating yet I believe it ends on a powerful, hopeful message. This may come as a surprise to people, but my favorite part is actually not when they're sacrificing all the mutated babies and an orgy breaks out but rather that brilliant ending." He mimed cracking an egg against a hard surface but the meaning of the gesture was lost on Snake.
Snake tried to laugh, but he simply wound up coughing and wheezing. "I figured you'd be into something edgy like that," he said after catching his breath, "though my money would have been on A Clockwork Orange."
Wolfutena grinned. "That's also a masterpiece. What was that other movie you were going to say though, asking if it's my fave?"
Snake opened his mouth to reply, then closed it and looked away. He tossed his cigarette to the ground and stomped on it, grinding it into the cement for longer than necessary, before finally speaking. "Shulk mentioned it. That was something Sonic —"
Suddenly the ground beneath them began to shake. Part of the ceiling collapsed with a thunderous crash and a mechanical monstrosity fell through. The dust cleared to reveal a humongous robot rearing up.
"That's Galleom! What is it doing here?" Snake yelled.
It lunged at them, stretching its hands out to grab the man and wolf. Woluftena warped behind it and Snake backflipped over its grasping hand.
"Someone must have discovered we were meeting here and wasn't pleased about that." Wolfutena said. "Unfortunately for them, we have plenty of experience dealing with giant robots, don't we?"
"Right." Snake answered. "I can keep it distracted, but you'll have to finish it off."
He ran off to a safe distance, then fired a stinger missile into Galleom's face. It reeled back, and Snake fired another shot. However, Galleom recovered and slammed his fist down on the missile, crushing it against the ground and sending out a shockwave that knocked Snake flat on his back.
"Dammit," he groaned as struggled to get to his feet. However, the pain in his back was intense and his body wasn't responding well to his thoughts. Galleom advanced towards him and bent down to pick him up. However, over the metal giant's shoulder Snake could see Wolfutena leaping up into the air.
The goddess spun in the air and landed square in the middle of Galleom back, digging the claws of his toes into its armor. "Spin to win!" He shouted as he turned increasingly rapidly, till he was drilling into it more intensely than someone fighting a boss in a Gurumin speedrun.
He knows the Spin! Snake thought in astonishment. Soon, the goddess pierced straight through Galleom's body, leaving a round hole in its chest. It staggered backwards before exploding into bits. Once the debris settled, Wolfutena helped Snake up off the ground.
"Thanks." Snake said as he lit another cigarette. "That was some stunt you pulled there. Where'd you pick that up?"
"Just a little trick I learned from Sam." Wolfutena said, holding his tail high.
"Sam? You mean Sam Fisher?" Snake asked.
"No, Sam Gideon. Fisher is the other Sam."
"Sam Gideon?" The man repeated.
"Haven't heard of him? He used to be a researcher for DARPA. I was under the impression that he's quite famous on Earth, after that incident where he tested an experimental combat suit in a battle aboard a space colony orbiting the planet and prevented it from being turned into a weapon to destroy cities on the planet's surface. Well, not before the Russians used it to attack San Francisco with a giant laser, like that scene in Star Trek, but that's not important."
"DARPA, huh? I have to admit I'm a bit wary of those guys after seeing what they get up to behind closed doors." Snake confessed.
"I said he used to be with DARPA." Wolfutena reiterated. "After what he saw in the Providence incident he could no longer stand the idea of working for the government and quit, putting his skills and tech to work across the galaxy as a freelancer, trying to put a stop to conflicts. That's how I met him, actually. I was stranded on some backwater planet, Ivalice or Avalar or something like that, and he rescued me, even when no one else wanted anything to do Star Wolf after Andross's defeat. He helped us get back on our feet too, on the condition we wouldn't get involved in anything as destructive as Andross's conquest again. He didn't ask for any payment either!"
"Sounds almost too good to be true. I'm surprised you'd be so trusting." Snake told him
"Well, it's not like I had any other options at the time and he made it very clear that he didn't want any trouble from us in the future. He may just be trying to keep the peace in the galaxy but I wouldn't want to get on his bad side. Besides, is what he's doing really that different from what you've done with Philanthropy?"
Snake puffed on his cigarette as he considered this query. "Hm, maybe it is sort of similar, just on a larger scale. It makes me wonder if what he went through onboard that colony is as bad as what went down in Shadow Moses."
"Why don't you ask him? We still talk occasionally, so I could give you his number if you want."
"I feel like he might not be in the mood to discuss what happened in Providence, but I would be interested in hearing more about his work. Yeah, go ahead and show me." Snake requested.
Wolfutena brought out his cell-phone and showed the screen to Snake but, as he opened Sam's contact info, a text message from Pit popped up that read, "hae sniper wolf wair r u"
"Oh, Pit's texting on his own now!" Wolfutena exclaimed. "That's great, though his spelling still needs a lot of work."
"Sniper Wolf?"
"Yeah, that's a new nickname Pit came up with, because I can't see well." Wolfutena explained and pointed at his eyepatch. "He's funny."
Snake didn't show any signs of amusement at Pit's wit. "I meant someone else who went by that name before. One of my biggest regrets from Shadow Moses is what happened to her. Actually, I don't think I should talk about that here."
"Perhaps not, but if you really want to talk about it then maybe you'd feel more at ease at Pit's apartment. They're having a dank party there, so if anything will help you relax that could be it." Wolfutena offered.
"I don't like smoking anything other than cigarettes but it could be nice to meet your friends." Snake said
"Well, there's plenty else planned too, like watching the 2nd Annual 420 Awards later. We're all rooting for JoJo's Bizarre Adventure to win best TV show. Besides, it might turn out that you can't resist the fine stuff when you're actually there." the goddess teased.
"I doubt it." Snake insisted. "It would be a shocking twist on the tale of Man's first disobedience if a Snake were the one tempted by forbidden trees. On second thought, maybe I'll just see if I can get in touch with Sam tonight."
"Well, that's a shame." Wolfutena said, ears drooping slightly.
Snake hastened to reassure him. "Don't worry, I'll hang with you guys some other time. I can promise, the best is yet to come."
Author's Notes: Happy 4/20! I managed to get a chapter out on time for the first time in a year. If I can continue to keep to a schedule then the next chapter will be coming on 6/16. Sam Gideon is from Vanquish by PlatinumGames, which I sort of foreshadowed by referencing God Hand and Candide in the first half of the chapter (Vanquish also has several references to both). Silver and Blaze starting a garden actually did happen in one of the Sonic comics (Sonic the Hedgehog: Annual 2019) and it was adorable.