Janet was putting the final touches to the itinerary. The ten weeks had gone by quickly enough, aided by a few events that finally chimed with her working life at home. A local politician embroiled in intimidation and corruption, a case that was never out of the news, helped bring to life some of the finer points about what made a successful prosecution. Through this real life angle she had absorbed herself in work to a greater degree than she had for a while. It lit the fuse that she needed to start orchestrating her return to the professional scene back home. It was a good feeling, when she realised she was pining once again for her real work. She was almost at the year mark, and it was time to start preparing for a next move. In their last call Tony had mentioned the NCC, explained that he could see her there and could justify a role for her. When she read more into their recent cases, the serious nature of the players they could take down, she knew it was a viable option. The initial disgust that she felt when she learned that Owen Mitchell was the new director of the DPP hadn't turned into the seething resentment that she feared it might. She would be back there one day, but now wasn't the time. Things were falling into place. She already knew that the second year would pass more quickly than the first, that the home stretch wasn't far away.
For the moment, it was time to ensure that other areas of her life would fall into place, and she was happy to savour what was in store over the next week. All she had to do was enjoy herself and concentrate on showing Bianca a good time. She was looking forward to picking her up at the airport. Had a vision of their reunion in arrivals; oblivious to onlookers, melting into each other like something from a movie. She had booked a few trips, made dinner reservations, bought tickets for a local music event that she could frankly see far enough but thought Bianca might like. The kids had a couple of sleepovers in the diary so they could have some space. She knew that Bianca would want time with the kids, but she felt there were so many things they had to put right, including the harassed interaction the last time they were together, that it was prudent to ensure they had some time to be who they were alone. She was counting down the hours. When her phone lit up with Bianca's name a smile of anticipation spread across her face. She hadn't been able to reach her earlier in the week and now that she would soon be here, the prospect of flirting as a warm up for the imminent arrival excited her beyond belief.
She answered and knew immediately that something was wrong.
"Hi Janet. It's me." Bianca's voice sounded thick, like it was coated in something. "Look, don't panic. I'm fine."
"What's happened? Where are you?" Janet proceeded to panic.
"It isn't a big deal. It's just a scratch from an accident in the car at work. But I'll be in here for another week. The good news is it's over. The undercover I mean."
"Am I to understand that you're calling me from hospital?" Janet let out an almighty sigh, closed her eyes, felt angry all over again at everyone and no one in particular. "They don't keep you in for a week because of a scratch. Tell me exactly what happened."
Bianca will never tell her what happened. That there was a high speed car chase and a serious collision. That she had been out of it for two days and would be recovering for six weeks. She had no intention of going to Fiji until she was fully well. She needed to enjoy their time there, not lie around and let herself be nursed by Janet.
"They're just being cautious. I'm absolutely fine. But I'm sorry, I'm not going to make it out. Not yet."
Janet leaned her forehead into her free hand.
"How did it happen? Where are you hurt? I can get a flight..."
"No. Seriously, don't do that. None of the details matter. It's over, and the way things are lining up there won't be anymore undercover. That's a definite."
"Nothing is definite. Though I never seem to learn that...Why don't you come over and rest here? I work from home most of the time, I can be around. Can't think of a better place to recuperate."
"I can't. I have appointments, admin to tidy up. And when I see you, I want to be playing with the kids, enjoy relaxing with you on the beach. Not a burden...I know you're disappointed. I am too...I need to go. Call me tomorrow, we can talk properly."
When she hung up Janet poured herself more wine. Looked at the printed list of activities she had planned out for them, smiled with scorn at the way she had it all laid out like a kid's school timetable. How was it even possible for an A4 piece of paper to ridicule a human being. Her pathetic attempts at marshalling life. She would have drank more, would have ended up in tears, fighting the urge to smash something against the wall, had it not been for Emma waking up to ask for a drink of water.
It took another two months to finally pin her down to a date. Janet felt the wedge between them embed further as Bianca evaded her calls, responded with furtive comments whenever Janet suggested she book a flight. She had directly asked her once if she wanted to finish things, if there was someone else. Bianca's response was forceful, and she booked the flight the next day. She had made her call from the departures lounge, followed the flight path on a stupid app on her phone. Even now, in the bustling crowds of Suva-Nausori airport, she didn't trust that she was on the flight or would walk through the automatic doors in arrivals anytime soon. Quite frankly it was an experience she could have lived without, the airport reunion nonsense. The cliche she had been imagining was cut down to size by reality; the recycled air, the bumps from tourists not quite looking where they were going, craning her neck to get a good look at all of the faces. That was the most depressing thing of all, how it felt to see face after face after face stream out, knowing that all of these strangers meant something to someone, and the person who meant something to her still wasn't here. Fourteen months on. It wasn't meant to be like this. There would be no tempting of fate this time. She hadn't booked a thing, other than a table at the mid range restaurant they used for work, when the kids would be away for a sleepover. The week stretched ahead of her, a promising vista, unimpeded by demands to be anywhere at any particular time. It would be enough to simply be around her, and she hoped that would be enough for Bianca too, to return them to something like they were before she left. Her sunglasses fell from her head as she moved to get a better view of the doors. She cursed, picked them up, crossed her arms, turned the phone sharply to check the app. The flight was on the ground.
Half way through the flight, Bianca was tempted to have a second beer, but opted for a vodka tonic on a whim. It seemed worth running the risk that she might fall in an emotional heap at Janet's feet in order to relax her nerves. She knows it's time to allow herself access to the area she has cordoned off in her mind. It was the only way to get through it. Compartmentalise the images and the feelings, the dangerously enticing memories, the passion and the pull of their time together. As she held the plastic cup in her hand, let herself sink further back into the chair, she allowed herself to remember. She took the first sip, closed her eyes and replayed the halcyon days; waking up next to her in the motel room, taking her dress off for the first time, watching her eyes across the table on any number of their evenings, the serene mornings under the covers. One particular memory caused an odd feeling of embarrassment and elation. The silly play list that she made, that she wanted to take back the moment she pronounced it. They had shared a bottle of wine on the floor, talked about old songs from the 90s that she loved. The way Janet had been with her that night was different. She felt really sad, listening to her explain how hard she found it to make friends. She could tell it was still a sensitive subject, when she described long hours spent walking and thinking instead of socialising as a young adult. Of course it was the reason behind her stratospheric success, but it had come at a cost. That was the one and only time that she was fully present for an entire evening, where she had been successful in her attempt to slow her down, look around and not ahead, smell the roses. She wanted to say to her, this is how it could be Janet, and it's sure as hell good enough for me. But she wasn't confident enough, didn't know if it was her place to say something like that so early on in their relationship. The way Janet made love to her that night did justice to the term. She would never forget how it felt to lie entwined, the look in her eyes. She shifted in her seat. Savoured the bubbles on her tongue and swallowed the drink down much more quickly than intended. It was good to finally think about her without the regret of her distance. It was good to remember why she was putting herself through this. After she reacquainted herself with the bones of their relationship, she allowed herself to get excited at the prospect of seeing her. She allowed herself to believe that this time it was really going to happen.
Her thoughts turned once again to Liam and Emma. She hoped that the affection they happily expressed when she was seeing them off previously would still be there. Their gradual acceptance of her had caused feelings to stir that she had no idea existed. It was an incredible feeling, to experience the daily things that we all take for granted; pouring the cereal, getting them ready for bed, listening to the left field questions. While she was tying his shoe laces, Liam had once asked her what was stronger, fire or water. They discussed it at length for the rest of the day. She was fascinated by them, by the way they quietly built their bond with you on their terms, like the lego buildings that she so enjoyed constructing with them on the floor. She hoped Janet wouldn't be annoyed with the gifts she had brought them; their favourite snacks from back home, some toys that she knew they would appreciate.
The past few months had been difficult, but they had been rewarding and surprising too. She was still reeling form a conversation with her Super at the Intelligence department. When she explained that she didn't want to be involved in any more undercover work, that she was considering a move to he NCC, he said he was sorry to lose her then asked her to close the door and sit down. They worked well together, had hit it off immediately. He was the kind of boss who could use whatever current terminology was the order of the day to impress his superiors while never bullshitting the team. When he explained that he was due to retire in the next year or two, that she should consider putting herself into position for his role, she let out a hearty laugh. It made him laugh too. After they had settled, and she tried to fob him off with the truth; she had never once contemplated a role like that in her life, he summed it up concisely. Nobody from within was suitable, they needed a change in leadership, she had the one thing that was hardest to achieve; credibility from the ground up, not the other way around. He said that the NCC would work well as a transitional post. She admitted that she didn't really think she was cut out to lead people at that level, to which he responded; 'You're the kind of boss they'll go to war for. That doesn't happen very often. Think about it. Surprise yourself'. She didn't really have the head space to think about it, but maybe one day she would.
When she hears the familiar ping from above, the click of belts, the mechanical whirring as the wheels fall, she feels every heartbeat. She isn't here to play a role, she isn't here to care or protect. She is here to be with the woman she loves.
Finally, after so many meaningless faces, Janet picks out the one she's been waiting for. She looks well, her face is glowing, and she walks with a relaxed nonchalance before finding her in the crowd. Janet can't stand still, but tries to keep her canter from becoming a run. Bianca does the same, and before they know it they are where they belong; in each other's arms, holding on tightly. Bianca takes her face in her hands and kisses her, pulls away to find her eyes. Tells her what she could only ever say with the promise of time together on the other side, "I've missed you."