Bluebird's Annual Celebration Party is tonight. Time passes faster when you don't know what you're doing. The Allaberks don't make it any easier for me to have free time to think. I bet they don't want me to do so. Charlotte follows me just like the black panther follows Mister Allaberk, in an endless vicious cycle. I made up my mind to hate every color they apply to my face, every fabric they slide in my body, and every phrase their voice sings to my ears.
Tyler Allaberk avoids my presence for most of the time until Charlotte makes it impossible. As soon as we got back from the Global Army Administration Office, I still tried to get him to help me get out of Pasargadae, since that seemed like my best option.
"Tyler, you asked me if the sky was still blue. I mean… It is for me, if it is for you. I'm afraid your sister will talk to…"
"Johanna, I never asked you that, and my sister never exchanged words with you, how could you be afraid of her?"
"Do not do that."
"What?"
"That, pretending nothing happened."
"Nothing happened." He looked at me through the rearview. "This is for your good, believe me."
As I was forced to return to the Glass Mansion, I am constantly haunted by the ghost of my choices. Mister Allaberk's presence brings me a conflicting feeling. Despite everything, I still see him as a savior, someone who offered me a new destiny. There is no lust in his eyes, there is something else. Something like the connection that a creator has with his creation. Anyway, I'm always terrified that his niece is going to tell him what happened and that he'll decide to send me straight to the trenches
They start the process of preparing me for the cameras once again. This time, this stylist, Nicodemus - they change every day, so I might be wrong - says it's special since it's my debut night. As much I promised myself to care less about their productions, the outfit waiting for me put many words in my mind. It's a dress made up with multicolored rags. Like the one Moon Murthy described in her last broadcast.
"Is this the correct outfit?" I stammer, running my fingers through the fabric. It will show a lot of skin, but it's a masterpiece.
"A homage for the fallen star." He says.
The dress that should be weightless, is heavy on my shoulders. It carries the phantom cries of many people and the shadow of someone brilliant. Someone I can't compare myself to. The rags are connected by a thin line of entangled gemstone, covering only what has to be covered.
Tyler awaits me in his dark blue car. As usual, his eyes don't meet mine, and my skin faces the harsh touch of the wind. The view is as colorful as every day, and I struggle not to be mesmerized. It's the production team's orders that Tyler Allaberk and I should be seen together in public. They say it is for the citizens of Pasargadae to accept me more easily.
The red carpet feels like ember under my high heels. Once I would have to control myself not to stop at every flash, now I flinch closer to Tyler each time my eyes go white. It doesn't matter if I don't smile, feigning superiority works better. I don't want to give Pasargadae the grace of my curved lips. The flashing never stops as we go, and the screaming cranes my head sometimes. I remember that before I wouldn't be able to stand where they are, my bracelet wouldn't allow me.
I recall many of the faces that follow my steps, one more magnificent than the others. They translate power, spitting the words for the people stuck to the barriers. You want to be here. You want to be us. But you're already ours, body, and soul. The rest of the process is smiling at people who would hate if they knew who I am, and pretending to be the happiest girl in the world. I take some opportunities to taste some snacks. The few good moments of my existence is when I am eating.
But their hunger for my soul doesn't stop. After millions of questions, that my team answers for me with Charlotte's supervision, they demand more poses. When they tell me exactly what they are looking for, the work is less harsh. I scooch closer to Tyler, placing a gentle kiss to his cheek that could've killed him with poison, and I'm suddenly washed with a voraciously screeching crowd. If their turmoil means anything, is that the workers in the docks will see my face the whole week, or month.
Little did I know their excitement wasn't about an innocent kiss. Of course not, Pasargadae can be very inappropriate sometimes. And they cheer for overexposed skin, just like mine, as the gemstones in the dress break the string holding each other and start to cascade towards the floor. My feet are planted to the floor like ancient trees, and my hand's work is helpless. They own every piece of my body now. Tyler throws his long blazer over my exposed chest and holds me tighter than anyone else's has done before.
"Let's go, Johanna."
However, Scarlet takes me from her brother's arms in a careless tug. I didn't even know she was around. I lose myself in her lifeless eyes, like someone who has just jumped into a cold water river. I am too worried about firming Tyler's tuxedo around my body to care where she is taking me. I stumble after her, the camera flashes weighing more than a thousand pounds. With all their technology, could they sew a poor dress like this? I don't think so. Mister Allaberk wanted them to have something to talk about for weeks. They set up a circus and I was their clown. And will keep on being until they grow tired of me.
The back of my mind insists this could've been an accident. After all, they used real rags and they are made of very thin materials. No, no. no. It could not have been that. Scarlett throws me in the back of a car where I lay curled up. Finally, the flashes stop flickering around me, and the noise humming in my ears diminishes to the sound of two people's breaths.
But then, the sound of knocks against the window grows insistently, and I dig myself deeper on the couch. I was wrong. I was yet to face the bigger humiliation of my life. My eyes trace the ceiling of the car, and fingers raise to scratch a green gemstone in a star form. Maybe it wasn't that bad. Darlings pose naked sometimes, and nobody says anything. It's not in front of all Parsargadae, not directly... Why should I be embarrassed about myself? Because that's what they have told me my whole life? No, I don't listen to their words.
"I want to come back," Tyler's tuxedo falls off my shoulders. "I wanna go back there."
I see her eyes on the rearview, focused on the road ahead of us, filled with flashing cameras and screaming people. So many people. I know she heard what I said, she just doesn't care.
I search for the window to duck my head out. "Hope you had your share of fun!" I yell. "This body is limited edition…"
The window starts rolling up and I am obliged to come back inside. Scarlett's expressions aren't happy, but it's hard to dig any emotion out of her. A loud thud on the right window calls my attention. It's Tyler trying to keep up with us. I crawl closer to the window again to try to understand what it is that he wants.
"Scarlett? Your brother wants a ride." I say. As a result, she dives her feet in the accelerator. I can't help but scream when the car flies through the crowd of people. I stand on my knees to try to see if someone was hurt in her turmoil. What is wrong with her?
"Are you crazy?" I lost any remnants of shame in my blood, they were all stripped by adrenaline. And, gosh, how well I work this way.
Her lifeless eyes kept held ahead into the high-speed road ahead of us. The thought occurs to me that I could pull the car's brake, but at this speed, it would get both of us killed. Possibly blown up, and this I can't accept. I also have my family to feed.
I sit back on the couch, leaning my head against the cushion. Do I know how to talk with crazy people? I don't think so. The last time I tried it didn't end well.
"Why did you do that?" I say with the lowest voice possible. "Is it a promotional campaign?"
It could be, right? It would be better than considering she went crazy.
"No," Her green empty eyes stare back at me through the rearview. "It's time to take you to the Medical Facility,"
"Medical Center?" I gulp. "What are you talking about?"
"All actors and actresses have to go through a full check-up before the shooting starts. We run multiple exams on everything," She continues. "It takes time. You were going straight to the Medical Center anyways. And since that happened, and I am the chief doctor, I figured it would be a good idea to start right away,"
It doesn't take long and the redhead tells me to get out of the car. Charlotte mentioned something about the Medical Center in one of her many monologues. I press Tylerl's blazer tighter against my chest. It's colder inside the place. The team seems to know Scarlett, as they nod their heads when we pass. At least, maybe she really is a doctor.
Some rush ahead of us with worried faces. I bet not even one of them thought they would have to have everything ready in such a big advance. She never loses the grasp on my shoulder, which is starting to hurt. I think I should toss her hands away, but something within me stops my actions.
She guides me to a white room and throws a robe at me, for what I am thankful for. I swing my eyes through the fabric as fast as I can to see that Scarlet has just typed into the screen beside the door to maintain it closed.
"Privacy." She clarifies.
"Are you sure you are able to run these exams?" I ask from a safe distance. The girl is at least twice my height, and sturdier. I bet she could carry me above her head. But why am I thinking about this? Maybe this is my foreign survival instincts kicking in, plus what she did to my friend Coral. I could be next.
"As I said, I am the Doctor Chief of this facility," She opens up a smile that I don't follow. "I'd like that you answered me a few questions before we start."
I sit on the cold steel bench in front of a table. She's on the other side. Her flushing red hair is the only source of color around us. Her eyelashes still shine as a part of her festive outfit, although she threw a white robe over her shoulders.
"Yes, of course. Just say it," I think about the diseases she might ask me about. I've always had good health. The glycemic problem isn't mine. They can't send me back if the exams show something is wrong, can they?
"Look at me," She demands. "Do you see any problem in my face?"
I shake my head. She looks as beautiful as a pottery doll.
"What about your face, are there any problems you like to point out?"
"No," I answer. I've already been to the Design Center, if there was something they didn't like about me, they would have changed. I'm going to play a character from the Enemy Nations, it's acceptable that If I don't look pretty. "I think it's fine. It's the way Mister Allaberk wants."
"Yes, not only Mister Allaberk." She clatters her nails against the table. "What do you think of Tyler? Do you think you have chemistry? You will share scenes together."
"He's a handsome man. I won't have any problem sharing scenes with him."
"Thought that would be your answer," Her fingers run patterns on the table. "I have been watching you. The way you look at him, with desire..."
"What?" My voice goes high pitched. I don't look at Tyler Allaberk with desire. He despises me. How could I have such low esteem to even be delusional about something like that? He's handsome. Period. A douchebag. "I don't, but even if I did, why is that any of your business?"
She doesn't express any emotion.
"I won't miss your personality, you know. I don't understand how Tyler could ever look at you, knowing you are a filthy foreigner." She spits the words.
I grasp my hands on the cold steel of the table until they go white. Suddenly the idea of being the recipient of Tylr's affection doesn't seem so bad if this means Scarlett's face is getting redder. But that can't be. Not if she's talking about the same man I am.
"Why?" Her eyes search for something in my face. "Why do you think that?"
"I am his sister," She affirms with vehemence as if there were any doubts about that, despite the fact that they don't look alike in anything. They are total opposites. She can't masquerade her disgusting soul while he wears masks with mastery. "I know every single detail about him. I know what his actions are based on, I know how he thinks and how he feels."
"I'm sorry to say you might be wrong this time. He said in a loud clear sound that he despises me. I bet he's going to suffer a lot in this filming," I say.
Her iris grows like camera lenses.
"When?"
"When he offered me money in exchange for my vanishment," I add.
"I can't compete with you for him." She shakes her head. "Tell me, what's there in you, that I don't have?"
I blink a few times, the absurd of Tyler Allaberk having feelings for me winds up in something worse.
"Are you saying you want your brother to be with you in a romantic relationship?"
"Does that outrage you?" She scowls. "Girl, you probably have done all sorts of felonies. This is just a feeling. I want what's good for him."
"You know, what? I don't care what kind of relationship you want to pursue with him. I just don't want to be in the middle of this."
"But, you already are." She stands up with her feline behavior, and I see the needle grasped tightly between her fingers. I stumble out of the chair away from her. I search the room for anything to defend myself, but there's nothing. The chair is attached to the floor, and there's not even a painting hanging on the wall.
"Remember Mister Allaberk needs me to play Clara Vennozar," I raise my hands. "I bet he will be awfully angry if anything happens to me."
"Obsessions don't do any good for the health. I will help him to get rid of a problem. You can be replaced. Everyone can."
"You are obsessed too, have you realized that?"
"I have considered before to have obsessive-compulsive disorder. You see, the treatment for my condition has a name and a face, it's Tyler Allaberk."
"Be my guest! You can have him all to yourself." I scream.
"That's not up to you, darling. I am so sorry that they wasted time to change your eyes and even more that you are dying at such a young age. I bet you'd rather have stayed in your homeland, that'd have been your best shot.
She walks closer.
I can picture my mother's face so similar to mine, that I bet I would look alike if I had the chance to grow older. My father holds her shoulders against him stroking her dark hair. He always saw through the nonsense I carried in my young mind. I told him I would come back rich like a queen, throwing money in the air. I wonder what they will do now that I won't be around to provide. Who is going to give them the hug I left without giving?
I become conscious of the ornament on my head. A tiara with three pointed peaks. As I pull it from my head, an excess quantity of hair comes along. I hold it in my hand like a brass knuckle. I make a quick move that scratches her right arm, but I run right away like a scared cat. I slide down the metal bed in the center of the room, and wait. She will have to droop if she wants to knock me out. My chest grows up and down, some kind of worse fear than the one you feel when you are playing hide and seek.
Her hair pops up on my right side, and I turn around to hit her eyes. Those very lifeless eyes of hers. She screams and swears, backing away. I slide from down the bed thinking I had some kind of advantage. But pain only seems to have made her stronger.
She sprints in my direction like a mad bull. I crash in the wall with the weight of her body thrown against me. She's twice my height and four times stronger than me. I will try until the end. My hands grasp around the one that has the grasp of the needle. I see the pink liquid rippling inside the needle, anxious to navigate through my veins and send me to an endless sleep. When death looks at you, you realize there's always a reason to fight.
Her muscles, bigger and stronger than mine, slowly brings death closer to me. Her lifeless eyes stare into my soul, without expressing anything. It doesn't look like she's fighting against someone with the intention of taking someone's life. She seems to be thinking about what else she has to check off her to do list.
But I am not here anymore, I am back to the day I left Libra. The happiness inside my soul had a difficult time fighting with the waves of fear of the unknown and the guilt of leaving my family behind. I was lying on my makeshift bed, alongside my three brothers. One above me, one under and the other on the floor. There wasn't space for anything more in the room.
"Will we never see you again?" Asked the younger one. Elliot was twelve when I left, and by now must have grown up into a beautiful strong man.
"Of course you will!" I answered, even though I didn't believe in my words. "I will be rich one day and I will come back to get you and take you back with me to my castle in Pasargadae."
"Won't you forget us?" His voice wobbled between the words, making my heart diminish with each syllable. The very reason why I had to go Parsargade, also made me not want to leave Libra. I loved them so much, I still feel that a part of my soul stayed back there.
"Don't say garbish." The older brother, Vance, scolded him. "She can't forget us. We are the reason she has to leave. She's going to give us a better life," His words sounded like a pledge, a demand, a warning. I still think he wanted to switch places with me. But I don't blame them, if it was the other way around, I'd envy me.
"But what if she dies? It's too dangerous!" The middle one cried, and it enhanced the fear in me. That time, I only knew Parsargadae from the broadcasters. It looked like a fairytale. But the distance that separated us and their strict politics against foreigners, painted a difficult path ahead of me. I had to get through this, get through Pasargadae security, fetch me a job somehow, and work and live without being caught forever.
"I won't die," I said. "We are survivors. Haven't you paid attention to your surroundings?"
Libra is a dangerous nation. The sun barely warms the earth, and the shootings are already taking place in the streets. You have to be smart and cautious otherwise you might end up sold to some bandit on the other side of town.
"She can't die." The older one stated. "If she dies, we die."
He was right. My family poured all their savings into me, into the remote chance that I would be strong enough to overcome any challenge in my way. People say we have to burn down bridges to evolve in life, I never knew what that could mean, because my whole existence is based on a bridge between me and family.
That night, I left home with just a hand brief and looked at my whole family for the last time. My parents, Oliver, Vane and Mitty. I didn't want to cry in front of them. Then, I just turned my back without a smile, without any final words or hugs. In my mind that was the guarantee I would see them again in this lifetime.
My hands give in against Scarlet's strength and the needle dives into my neck. The sting aches, and the liquid burns as it circles inside me. I feel a single tear sliding down my eye. A silent farewell for the family I will never be able to hug again.
"Shhh. That's it. Fighting is worse," She hisses against my face, and the last thing my eyes see are her lifeless eyes saying goodbye. Another farewell without any final words.