Chapter Six

The morning sun was brightly shining on a clear blue sky, a rarity I might add. I woke up with a throbbing headache and cursed the sun, wishing someone had been smart enough to pull the blinds down yesterday. While trying to roll out of bed I got uncomfortably aware of my sore body, aching with every single movement. With my feet on the carpet, sitting on the bedside, I looked down my legs. They were covered in blooming bruises, mainly in a purple and yellow colour scheme. My legs weren't the only limbs on me that happened to be a little bit 'extra' with the colour today. My right arm tried to match my legs with an exhibition of art in a more greenish tint. And I knew, without having to look in a mirror, that the left side of my face wasn't a pretty sight either.

A brief moment of self-mortification came over me and I poked the bruise on my right arm, just to check if it hurt. Which was a stupid thing to wonder, because I knew from the start that it would. And of course it did. Why do we do that? Why do we cause ourselves pain even in the tiniest ways, on porpoise!? It's one thing to be subjected to pain, but to inflict it on yourself? I took a deep breath, thankful that I had been curled up into a ball the night before. Because my ribs and abdomen seemed fine, making the act of breathing a rather uncomplicated one.

I grabbed my phone from the bedside table and looked at the screen, 08:54. Daniel was already at work, judging by the time. I couldn't help but let out a sigh of relief. At least I had a day of nothing ahead of me.

Before I headed downstairs I stopped by the mirror that hung in the hallway outside our bedroom. Who I saw in the reflection was someone I didn't recognise as myself, not really a sight for sore eyes. But at the same time it was a sight that I had become rather familiar with. I had lost weight, I was scrawny. Not that I had ever been big, or even slightly curvy. But I had gone from looking normal to looking malnourished, I looked like a child. Thankfully it was my day off and I didn't have to worry about my looks.

The uneven floor downstairs was even more prominent in the light of day. When I walked across it, towards a pile of bottles that had rolled into a dip in the floor, my right slipper got stuck in a nail. It abruptly stopped me in my tracks and I almost fell on my face. I grunted out loud but couldn't be bothered to untangle myself, so I just took the slippers off and left them on the floor and continued without them.

Every single bottle was taken care of. The ones underneath the sofa, the ones in the corners, the ones in the armchair, on the tv. I disposed of them, hid them in the bin for no one else to see. I neatened up the living room, pushed the furniture into place, folded the blankets and put the pillows where they belonged. No evidence from yesterday could be left visible to visitors. Not that we ever got any visitors...

I was standing in the kitchen, trying to find something that I could stomach. But I felt so tired, both mentally and physically, that everything eatable that I looked at made my stomach turn. From upstairs I suddenly heard something, the sound of bells ringing as if they came far far away. It was my phone. After a deep sigh I slowly made my way upstairs again and into the bedroom. Somehow I had managed to hide my phone underneath the duvet, hence the muffled sound. Apparently I had made the bed without looking that morning.

I began tearing up the bed. The ringing stopped before I managed to retrieve my phone. Looking down at the screen created a concoction of feelings. I saw Jade's name after the 'missed call' notification. It made me warm and happy. The nice and fuzzy feeling began growing in my stomach at the sight of her name. But at the same time something dark, painful and unwanted began to shadow the pleasantness of it all... Feeling small and helpless I sat down on the bed and stared at the screen, my finger hovering above the recall symbol, debating with myself wether it was a good idea or not. Before I had decided on an action plan Jade beat me to it and called again. I picked up without a second thought.

The sound of her voice was the most comforting thing I had ever heard. "Good, so you're awake." Jade sounded... like Jade, unbothered, indifferent, but yet happy, somehow. In the background I could hear traffic, she was outside.

I looked out through the window. It was still sunny. "Yeah, good morning.. what time is it now?"

"It's ten... are you okay? You sound distant..." Her apparent concern almost made me feel sick. I couldn't tell if it was out of discomfort or happiness. Either or, her concern was not something I deserved, therefore I couldn't stomach it.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry about that." I forced a smile no one would see, "just woke up", I lied.

"Oh... okay. Just wanted to hear if you're up for lunch?"

Hesitantly I replied "yes please".

I head how Jade grunted on the other side before she said "please, contain your excitement" with dripping irony.

"I am exited", I reassured her and this time a genuine smile began to grow on my lips, "I promise". The truth was just that my spark, my life lustre, was almost gone. It had been for a long time. I was a ghost of my previous self, an empty shell.

I knew it was a bad idea. But I really wanted to see her, I wanted to so bad it physically hurt. All of those conflicting feelings battled within me as I walked to the bus stop, got on and got off in Beckenham. On my way there I had a constant argument with myself. One side of the me was trying to talk myself out of it, trying to convince myself to go back home. But the other side won, the one that craved Jade's closeness in a way I didn't know was possible, craved her smile, her laugh and the stability she provided. Who knew back then that Jade West of all people would be the one person I wanted to turn to for security.

Before taking another step I pulled out my phone and checked myself in the facecam. Making sure that you couldn't tell I had a bruise on my cheek, that my make-up was covering it all. And of course it did. You got good at that shit after years of practice. I took a deep breath before I began to walk down the pavement.

All of the doubt and the growing lump in my stomach faded away as soon as I saw her. Like a soft breeze cleaning the streets of dust. Jade was standing outside of Deli Nene. When Jade saw me she gave me that half smirk that was so much like the Jade I knew from high school. She had been so excited to see the southern parts of London since she mostly hung out around the northern parts due to the location of the theatre.

As I came within arms length I could feel her hand being placed on my shoulder as she leaned in closer. I froze in place. A kiss, a soft, warm, gentle kiss. That was her way of greeting me. I melted, felt how I smiled against her lips for a second. But then reality caught up with me and I abruptly pulled away.

She seemed startled for a millisecond, "okay... I'm sorry?" She raised one eyebrow. "I just thought we were doing this thing now. But maybe I've misread the situation...?"

"No, no you haven't. I'm sorry. I'm just..." I looked at her. Without thinking i cupped my hands around her face and... I didn't even know why - but I felt the corners of my lips curl upwards and how I teared up just looking at her beautiful features. I didn't deserve her.

She looked at me, those green eyes staring confused into mine. After a few seconds her face firmed up in my hands and she wrinkled her forehead. "What the hell is wrong with you?" She took my hands of her face and held them between us, looking at me dead on.

I could hear myself whisper underneath my breath, "nothing, you're just so god damn beautiful." When I heard that I had said it out loud I nervously, embarrassed, bit my lower lip.

Jade looked unimpressed, "I don't get you Tori Vega, I just don't."

"It's not a fucking joke. It's true," I replied, slightly offended.

"Fine, whatever. Let's get something to eat." She took me by the hand and walked inside ahead of me.

"Hey! I need you to say something nice about me too."

Jade looked over her shoulder and grinned, "well I never asked you".

The café was like a modernised and mainstream version of a hipster café... although that is the definition of hipster. An attempt to be homely and eccentric by being just like every other café. Exposed brick walls, patterned tiles on the wall behind the counter, vegan cakes and sweetbreads next to the cash register and a sign and a menu with the illusion of being drawn with white chalk on a blackboard.

We sat down by a table next to the window facing the street. There was a long bench that reached across the entire window. I sat down and looked over my shoulder and out onto the street. Somehow I was afraid that Daniel was looking for me and was going to find me. That fear was always present when I was somewhere else other than work, the reason why I rarely left our home.

But when I turned around and looked at Jade all I felt was safety. She was taking off her leather jacket and placed it down on the bench before sitting down next to me, seemingly without a care in the world, as if everything was normal. I wanted to join her reality so much that I didn't now what to do with myself.

That day she wore a black button down blouse and a pair of black suit pants. Her perfect locks draped her shoulders like flowing silk. Subtle make-up made her look the perfect amount of put together and effortlessly beautiful. She looked like nothing less than a greek goddess.

"You're staring Tori." Jade smirked.

"Shit." I wasn't sure but I was pretty certain that I blushed, feeling how my cheeks turned warm. Shyly my eyes found their way onto the floor. "I'm sorry."

"If I didn't know any better I would have thought that you're falling for me" she said with a hint of flirtatiousness in her voice. It made my heart stumble a beat.

I looked at her and thought to myself 'if she only knew'. And that's when I saw it. A discrete gold necklace with a circle pendant. "You're still wearing that necklace I gave you?"

I had 'given it' to her after a 'fake-date' that our high school drama teacher Sikowitz had forced us on. Since we weren't the best of friends back then it had been a case of learning how to get along for a play where we were to act as a married couple. I remembered that night as if it was yesterday, it felt as if I actually got to know the real Jade West, the person behind the facade she wore every day to school.

It had been a whole ordeal, the necklace-thing. She said it was pretty, and I told her she could have it since I didn't really care for it that much. But since it technically would have been a gift she refused to take it. So instead she had stolen it out of my locker in school the day after. I hadn't notice it was gone until I saw it around her neck later that same day. But I wanted her to have it, so I hadn't made a big deal out of it. And until now I had forgotten it existed.

Jade looked down and took the pendant between her finger and thumb. She seemed surprised by the fact and pulled the necklace outwards to get a better look at it. "Yeah." She took the pendant to her lips, looked at me and smiled. "I've actually never taken it off. That's why I kinda forgot." She held it up and lifted her chin slightly for me to get a closer look at it.

I leaned in. She smelled like musk and spices, warm and inviting. My gaze trailed down her pale neck and stopped at the necklace. "Wow, I just haven't seen it in forever. Glad you're still wearing it tho." I smirked. "You know it's kinda weird right, that you still wear that. It's been what, like, nine years."

"Yeah I know..." Jade looked out through the window, as if she was thinking about something. She shook her head as if she just talked herself out of saying something stupid. With her gaze distant she finally spoke, "... But it's because I think I secretly liked you back then."

"You wha-?"

Before I had a chance to exclaim my surprise Jade placed her hands on the bench between us and leaned forward, her nose almost brushing mine. "If you ever tell anyone, I'll make sure you regret it", she deadpanned.

I know she tried to playfully intimidate me. But it didn't work. I flashed a smile and mused "I had a crush on you too. So tell me all about yours?"

"I know, why else do you think it was so much fun making you squirm every day in school." It wasn't a question, it was a fact. Jade leaned back and left me longing for the scent of her perfume, I took a long deep breath to savour it. She placed her elbow on the table and leaned her chin on her knuckles, looking amused at me. "Beg me", she growled and smirked.

God she was so alluring. I knew I wasn't supposed to be but I was mesmerised. She was my dream come true. The truth was that I had found her pulling my focus that very first day I saw her at Hollywood Arts. She had an aura that demanded attention, and she definitely had mine back then. But I had never thought about girls before, in that way, so I hand't known how to interpret the constant need for her approval. As years had gone by the less I cared about labels, all I knew was at that moment was that I wanted Jade. But never in a million years would I have thought that the hard ass goth back in high school wanted to give me so much as the time of day. So to hear that Jade had had a crush on me too back then was too good to pass up a story on.

With a fluttering stomach I leaned in and smiled against her full lips, brushing them gently with mine, whispering "please". I looked into her eyes, hoping for a reaction. Her expression remained stern. I placed a kiss on her lips. "Please". I repeated the procedure.

Jade closed her eyes and smiled against my lips. "Okay, fine."

Happily I pulled my leg up between us on the bench so that I could get a better look at her.

A waitress came by our table and asked about our order. We both looked down at the menu in front of us, which none of us had even noticed. The waitress sighed and looked tiredly back and forth between me and Jade. The fist thing on that menu had to do. The waitress, not convinced, scribbled something on a piece of paper and left us.

"So where were we?" Jade mused and looked at me.

"I think you were just about to tell me about how you totally crushed on me in high school."

Jade rolled her eyes and replied, impartially, "don't flatter yourself. But yeah, basically."

"But why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I hated your guts," she answered as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Remembering all those times she had ignored me, made jokes at my expense, made me fell lesser than, I nodded "yeah, I kinda noticed that part".

Those green eyes pierced into my soul and time stopped. "But that might have been because I was jealous of how perfect you where... So this", Jade gestured at our invisible bond, "you weren't the only one who felt it".

Knowing that made me so happy, the swarm of butterflies in my stomach threw a party and I could feel how a smile began spreading on my lips, "good, so it wasn't just me who were weird back then".

"I wouldn't say that". Jade chuckled.

"Jade... can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Did you know..." I chewed on my bottom lip nervously, "... like, that you were into girls back then?" Jade looked at me with a soft smile on her lips. I quickly added "because I sure as hell didn't."

"Tori, sometimes I'm reminded of how naive you were". Jade had a look on her face that told me that she just heard something unquestionably silly. "Did you miss the memo or something?"

"What?"

"I'm bi. I've been out since I was, like, 14. Everyone in class knew that-" she quickly corrected her statement "well, everyone except you apparently."

I looked at her perfect face that wore an expression that was teasing my naïveté. I answered, "actually... I had a hunch. You kinda fit the typical trope of the bisexual girl. You know, angry, hard-ass, goth, mean, rude-".

I didn't get the time to finish my line-up before Jades lips stopped me, quite hard this time, "Shut up, i get it," she mumbled against mine.

We locked eyes for what seemed like an eternity. In her eyes I could get lost. It was like a deep green sea, no, an ocean. I wanted to float on my back in that ocean forever, let my fingers and toes shrivel up like old prunes. I didn't know what she thought when she looked into my eyes. But it was comforting that she didn't break away. Somehow we both lost ourselves in each other's eyes and didn't notice that the food arrived, that people came and left and that time passed.

A/N: I know how much some of you hate these notes. But at lest I'm not starting with one this time. Well, I'm back, obviously. I suck, I know. I'm not leaving you hanging on purpose. I've been busy with... you know... life. But this time I've finished a couple of chapters so you can expect some frequent updates for a while. I've also re-worked some of the previous chapters, so if you, like me have forgotten a lot feel free to revisit them.

By now I won't be surprised if I'm talking to an empty auditorium. I really want to finish this one for my own sanity's sake, but if I find that no one is interested anymore I won't post the chapters. I don't blame you if you've left... even if it makes me sad.

Please tell me if you're still out there, I miss your beautiful usernames popping into my inbox.