Warning: This chapter contains minor incident of sexual assault and harassment. Read at your own discretion
It's like being back in Neverland again.
But back in the worst days. The days when Bae and I hid in a cave, only came out to forage for food, and spent any other time hiding from the Lost Boys and Pan's shadow. The days when Pan hunted me down like an animal, before he captured Bae and tortured him as a message to me. Back when survival was my priority, side-by-side with Bae.
So somehow, despite everything happening around me, I almost revel in the nostalgia of it all. The primal urge to run, the knowledge of what happens if I get caught, the ducking and dodging between alleyways and falling houses as if they were the trees and brush of Neverland. It feels so familiar, something I can cling to after being thrown into this hell. Even if it's three shadows chasing after me instead of one, even if I'm in a stupid dress that sticks out like a sore thumb, and even though my reality has been twisted into something unrecognizable, just having this feels right.
It is a sign of how messed up my world has become that I can almost smile as I skid around the corner and dive into an empty house, seemingly vanishing into the fog. The shack is falling apart, roof caving in, and a dead tree once grew in the center. I can sense the shadows moving past me, but I know it won't take them long to figure out where I am. Shadows don't seem to rely on sight and hearing as much as humans do. If I had to guess, they also can sense magic like I can and follow it. The only reason they aren't on me now is because Pan has blocked most of my magic.
Okay, calm down. Focus. Three shadows, but I have limited magic and resources. I can fight back, but not by relying on magic. I'll have to be smart here.
Luckily, I have plenty of debris and a dead tree growing through a crumb at my disposal, and I know that if there's one thing shadows hate, it's light. The source doesn't matter. I jump up and break off a few branches on the tree. The wood is wet, but luckily wet to dry wood is a specialty of mine. I had to do it a lot when gathering firewood since I started living in Neverland. Even if my magic has been stemmed to such a degree, I still can do that much.
But even as I dry those branches, I can feel the energy draining out of me. I don't know if it's the lack of magic I have, or a combination of the entire hell that is today. But it's happening, which means I have to wait before I can put my plan into action. Adrenaline will carry me through a fight, but if I collapse now as I'm preparing, I'll be a sitting duck. I need to wait, try to catch a moment's rest before they come back.
So… three shadows. How the hell did Pan manage that?
These shadows are not like the one in Neverland. The Shadow, the Voice of Neverland, whoever he calls himself protected me, even in his misguided way. The chaotic, wild magic that made his being was an embodiment of Neverland's power, one that I connected to since I was a Dreamer. But after meeting him, working alongside him, these shadows feel wrong. They feel like bastardized versions, brutalized and mutated so that they are completely unrecognizable from the one who protected me.
So in all likelihood, these are ones ripped out of people. Unless Pan somehow tore away his own shadow, but I doubt that's possible. If that was the case, Pan would have just built a whole army of shadows instead of kidnapping me and my brothers.
I can sense them coming back. Okay, if I'm going to do this, I need to do it fast.
I climb to my feet, slowly backing into the corner with the most cover from the roof. The less places there are for them to attack, the less chance I have of getting surrounded. Closing my eyes, I reach out with my sixth sense, relying on it to help me track my attackers over my eyes. Shadows can turn invisible, I can't rely on my eyes.
They're not too far, just coming back down the street… going up into the air- so they probably intend to come through the holes in the roof- maybe thirty feet… twenty… they're above the roof-
NOW!
My eyes snap open as I force my magic to flare and light my weapons. The dried wood catches instantly burning even as I lunge and stab at the closest one. If I was tired before, I wake up at the ear-splitting shriek that comes as soon as my torch makes contact with the shadow. Without a second thought, the second branch goes into the shadow and another shriek follows. Like riding a bicycle, the familiar movements of those spars in Neverland come back to me as I spin under it and jab at its friend. This one is hardier; it lunges at me but misses as I roll away.
Pan's work is shoddier than the last ones. The hand is missing on that one.
Even as I move, the rain coming through the holes leaks through. But even so, the flames I have on my branches refuse to go out. I have to smile savagely at that. I don't know if it's because I used my magic to light them, or the wood and flames are just that strong, but even now, these little flames are my allies and as long as they don't die, then I have a chance.
"I'm not going back!" I snarl as I slash at the third shadow that tries to attack from above. "I don't care what Pan says, I'm not going back!"
Not when I've found my brothers. Not when I've seen the condition the people here are living in. I refuse to go back to that cage Pan has made for me and let him do whatever the hell he wants to me.
The first shadow lunges at me again, but it's slow after being burned a couple of times. As soon as I slash with one hand, it reels back. The one handed one likewise tries to grab me but after the fire gets too close, it likewise tries to back up.
They're backing up. They're scared. And their backs are too the wall. There's two of them already backing up. If I just get the third…
I can do this.
I keep both of my torches pointed at the two that are already retreating to the wall. The third one is swooping in from behind, trying to be sneaky. Not realizing that I can sense it coming at me with my sixth sense and I already know exactly what it's doing.
As soon as its hand is close to me, I make my move. I spin, flinging my torch up in the air. With my free hand, I grab onto it. The familiar feeling of sticking my hand in a bucket of ice water spreads across my hand as I drag it with me, flinging it over to its friends. With my hand now free, I catch the torch.
Yes. I've got them!
I slash both of my torches at them as they are cornered. Their backs are pressed against the wall, and the third lets out a similar shriek of agony as the flames come in contact with it. Without hesitation, all three bolt upwards and shoot through the holes in the roof. My sixth sense tells me they aren't coming back.
I let out a large breath of relief, as I lean against the wall and slide down onto the floor. Mud seeps through the floorboards, but I can't care as I lean my head against the wall and catch my breath. The adrenaline drains out of me as the two torches clatter beside me, finally burning out. I almost close my eyes, but just knowing what's out there is enough for me to keep them open.
And as I finally sit and rest in this corner, my clothes clinging against me from the rain, shivering from the cold, and exhausted, I suddenly feel the gravity of my situation sinking down on me. The inevitable truth that I haven't really comprehended until finally dawns on me as reality sets in. I've known it, deep down, but with everything happening yesterday and now it didn't really occur to me until this moment as I fought the shadows. Because I was right, it was like running and escaping Pan back on Neverland.
It has happened once more. I'm trapped again. But this isn't something I can run or fight my way out of.
Pan has trapped me in just the right way. He has full control over me and can make me do whatever he wants. The sky's the limit, and if I know Pan he's more than ready to see just what he can make me do. Even now, I know that if he had been with me when I saw Toodles, he wouldn't have been satisfied with just watching my reaction. He would have made me do something. He would have made me be the monster they seem to think I am.
Gods my brothers hate me now. They fear me, and they hate me. They think I'll hurt them.
Of all the cruel things Pan could have done… first he takes Felix. Now this. He had to take them and make them hate me.
Why? Why does it give him so much pleasure to see me suffer? Why is it that no matter how badly I want to run and be free, he keeps trying to drag me into his game?
First he brought me to Neverland, then when I saw Abby again, he manipulated a situation where I barred her from Neverland for her safety. Then when I nearly escaped with Hook, he forced me to drink the water and let me believe I was trapped in Neverland. And even then, it wasn't enough. Then he threatened Bae to get me to stay with the Lost Boys, and then threatened him again so I would help Bae escape. Even when I learned the truth about Henry, even when I realized I could escape Neverland, he kept forcing me to stay.
Because he likes playing his game with me. That's the long and short of it. He'll never let me go, because he loves this sick, toxic thing between us, and he doesn't want it to end. He wants to win so badly that he stabbed me in the side when he switched bodies with Henry to keep me from "winning." He didn't want to sacrifice my heart for his curse, because he knew the game would end.
So instead he killed Felix. He killed Felix, because Felix was worth more to him dead if it meant the game could continue.
He killed my brother because of me.
Felix is dead because of me.
A guttural sob escapes my throat as I wipe away the tears on my face. I can no longer distinguish them from the rain. The cold and warm wetness have blended together into gentle drops that run down my face as I reel with the revelation.
Pan valued me alive and captured far more than he valued Felix. Felix, who had been with him from the beginning. Felix, who followed him loyally, so much so that he was willing to risk me and my brothers to follow Pan's orders. Felix, who believed he was indebted to Pan for helping him and Sebastian escape an abusive father. Felix gave him everything and Pan killed him!
And the rest of my brothers? The ones who were disloyal to Pan, and left him after what happened to Henry?
Now they are starving on the streets, and I can't do a damn thing to help them. Because they are afraid I'll hurt them, or that Pan will hurt them. They won't let me help them, because they are afraid of me. Pan wants me to live in his manor, dressed up in jewels and pretty clothes like a doll while they starve on the streets with no clothes or shelter. And he found the perfect way to make sure I can't just go running to them, leaving him behind like I always threatened to.
Because now, he's changed his game.
No matter what I do, no matter how close I get to being free, he still stops me and changes his game so that I'll have to play.
And now… is now any different?
This is still his game. He told me that much. He wants to keep playing and now he's shown me why I need to play.
I'm not in Neverland anymore. I don't have the magic of Neverland flowing through me, making me his equal in power, if not more so. I don't have pixie dust to help me fly, I don't have a treehouse I can run to to get away, or ziplines to use to travel. I have nothing.
And he has them.
Everyone. My brothers, Mary Margaret, David… gods, where is Bae? Where's Hook, Henry? All of them are at his mercy, each one suffering in their personal hells. He has shown me this town because he wants me to realize that all he has to do is send his shadows after them, and he will kill them with as little remorse as he killed Felix.
I can't help them escape because he's made me powerless. I can't fight him because all it will take is one word and I'm helpless.
All I can do is the one thing he wants me to do: I have to play his game.
I have to play, and I have to play well. I have to gamble everything in the hopes that it will buy me enough leverage to save my family. Because to refuse to play means abandoning them. If I refuse to play his game, he'll kill them like he killed Felix.
He knew that if he didn't use the Curse, I would have escaped. I would have reunited with Abby, I would have seen my mother again- gods, what I wouldn't give to see them again…
So he had to take action. He had to show me the price of trying to leave: killing Felix. And now, if I continue to deny him his game, he'll kill his enemies and my brothers. People whose only crime was being dear to me. If I walk away now, if I shut down and refuse to play his game, they will meet the same fate as my brother.
No. No, I can't let that happen.
He took Felix. He took Felix.
Felix is dead, and I can't lose anyone else to him.
So I have to play. And even though to play is to lose… I have to do it. I have to make sure they live. I have to shield them from Pan. If that means that I have to lose everything else…
A part of me died with Felix. So what if I lose the rest?
Felix… Sebastian… I have to do this. Please… please, stay with me. Give me strength. Give me the strength I need to protect them.
Somehow, on shaky legs, I stand once more. Somehow, crawling back to camp while poisoned on Pan's drugs was easier. But still, I step forward. And take another step forward. And another.
This is the only thing I can do. It's the only thing I can do to protect them.
At least this way… this way, the time and place where I lose will be of my choosing. It might be the last choice I ever get here in this hell. So I better make the most of it.
Through some miracle, Regina reaches me before Pan does as I stumble back to the manor. Even as I push open the door, she's pulled me to the other side, locking and bolting the manor door behind me and guiding me through the halls to the stairs. One arm is locked under my arms for support as she has me lean against her and with the other she pulls me along.
"You're lucky I was watching for you, my lady," she whispers as she rushes me up the stairs. "He isn't happy that you ran away from him and his shadows. Let's get you cleaned up at least before he sees you."
I nod, only half listening to her. As much as I want to get this over with, I'm glad that I've gotten some reprieve from facing him. I'd much rather face him without looking like something the cat dragged in. He's made it clear he no longer sees me as a Lost Girl but as his possession. If I'm to play his game, I need to take everything into account now. Even my appearance, something that shouldn't matter, is going to give me the illusion that I have something to bargain with against him.
Gods, I still can't believe I'm going to do this.
I'm still reeling with this decision, so I just let Regina lead me to the bathroom and go along with her gentle proddings and instructions to remove what is left of the dress. She acts with unspoken urgency, quickly helping me out of the dress and kicking the torn, dirty gown to the side and collecting the jewelry off of me. Part of me tries to cover myself as she turns around, but she doesn't seem bothered by what she sees. She just turns me around, pushes me towards an already full tub with a quick nod that tells me to climb in and save the questions for later.
With shaky legs, I scramble into the warm water. It helps evade the exhaustion that I feel, snapping me back to my senses as I begin to scrub myself down with the bar of soap Regina has left for me. Regina is behind me in an instant, taking apart the fallen braid with clever, deft fingers. As soon as she's done, I duck beneath the water's surface. Within minutes, we've washed my hair and face and she's combing the snags out of my hair.
"Regina!"
Pan's voice cuts through the silence, telling us our time is up. Even from here, I can hear the impatience and anger in his voice. Regina straightens and I curse under my breath as she glances at the door, and to Pan before looking back to me fearfully. I can't tell if she is afraid for me or for herself. Most likely the both of us.
Before I wasn't sure because of the Curse, but the look in her eyes and the knowledge that I'm playing the long game seal it for me. Regina is my ally in this. And as my ally I need to protect her as much as I can.
"Go," I advise. "See what he wants and do whatever he needs you to do. Then get back when you can, before he can order you around some more."
She nods and begins to curtsy. Before she can move away, I reach out to her and gently grip her wrist.
"Don't let him hit you, Regina," I instruct her in a tone that cannot be mistaken for anything less than a command. "If you have to tell him I'm here to get away from him, do it."
Her eyes widen as she realizes what I'm giving her. One thing that I won't get in this twisted game of his: an out.
A way for her to escape, even if it is just for this one night. And it will most likely come at a cost for me. Just her telling Pan that I'm here and I kept myself hidden even if it has been for less than an hour will make things more difficult to do what I need to. If he's as angry as he sounds, he isn't going to make things easy on me. And both Regina and I know it.
"Regina!"
His patience is slipping fast. I nod to Regina, silently encouraging her to go and get it over with. I can take care of the rest. She hurries as Pan calls for her a third time, as if the devil himself is calling for her. In many ways, he actually is. As soon as she's gone, I sink down under the water, enjoying the brief moment of warmth and comfort while I can. Part of me wishes I could stay here all evening, and then curl up asleep after a hot meal. But that isn't an option. Hell, it's what Pan wants me to desire.
Another reason he showed me the hell outside my window, no doubt. A reminder that he could have left me to rot but instead has offered me all sorts of luxuries. Better to live in a gilded cage than a plain one, as he sees it. How stupid of him. He knows what happens when he tries to lock me inside of a cage. He knows that everything else becomes meaningless if it helps me escape.
With that thought in mind, I climb out of the tub and get ready, starting by taking on the rest of the knots in my hair while wrapped in a towel. I'm only halfway through when I realize that even the comb is carved to look like a swan with jeweled eyes. Because of course it is. I roll my eyes as I continue to comb my hair.
By the time I'm done, Regina returns. I won't lie that a burst of relief comes when I see that she's okay, but the look in her eye worries me. The last time I saw that fear in her eyes, I was fighting her with a wolf made of flames to take back Devon's heart. Which means either Pan has robbed her of a lot more courage than I had thought at first or that Pan was not happy with her and took it out on her in some way different from striking her.
That isn't a good sign.
I don't say a word. I grab her hand and squeeze it comfortingly. She and I are the ones who will most likely feel Pan's wrath the most. I can deal with it. I've taken it for thirty years now, ever since I traded my life for Abby's. But Regina hasn't felt it, and Pan made sure to take away the strengths she would use to stand up to him. She's vulnerable, and I won't let Pan take advantage of that.
Not when I've been where she's standing.
She squeezes my hand in return and nods gratefully. It's enough for both of us, for now. We go back and I finish getting ready. For the first time since I woke up in this hell, I get to choose my clothes. As badly as I want to go back to my pants and shirts, I put them aside for a silky, strapless, emerald green dress that fades to ivory in the midriff before going back to green in the skirt. A dark green cloak hangs from my neck over my shoulders with a matching collar, and a sash makes up my belt, clasped with silver. It looks beautiful, almost like the elves in the books I read before coming to Neverland. Regina is quick about twisting my bangs back while my hair hangs down, and we keep the jewelry to simple silver earrings shaped like leaves with matching hairpins.
I look like a forest queen, I think idly. Now all I have to do is pretend that I am an actual queen. If this was truly Neverland, that wouldn't be a problem. But Pan couldn't allow me to overthrow him, so instead he made this mockery of Neverland instead.
The thought helps bolster me just a little more, and I stand straighter, my shoulders back and my head held high. It occurs to me that the ring the thief stole earlier today would have worked well with this ensemble. It only makes me like it more, knowing that this gift Pan has given me is incomplete because I gave a piece away earlier today without even knowing it.
Simple, subtle defiances that feel like personal victories. I have a feeling I will be relying on these in the days to come.
And yet in the reflection of the mirror, I finally catch the new addition to my room, sitting on top of the drawers. The beautiful music box with a ballerina of Snow White. And her eyes are wide with horror still as she watches me get ready to face Pan.
Another person relying on me. Another person who Pan has taken everything from. Gods, she doesn't even know what happened to her husband or her family. She must be terrified if she truly is awake and trapped in that form.
"Okay," I whisper to the girl in the mirror. "Let's do this."
I turn around, the dress flaring nicely as I leave the room and head downstairs. Even as I go downstairs, the contrast between this manor and what lies outside now that I've seen it. The opulent riches, the gaudy styles, the overwhelming amount of stuff is the complete opposite of what I saw today. How much of this would take care of the demolished houses, or the people who are starving on the streets?
The cloak I have is sheer and thin, and wouldn't stand a chance in the rain outside. But it wraps around my shoulders, and I can't help but take comfort from it, as if it were a blanket. There is a gnawing pit in my stomach that has nothing to do with the fact that I'm hungry, and I can feel my hands shaking. Even though my mind is racing, what I have to do is numbingly clear.
I am all too aware that Pan is angry with me and no doubt ready to put me back in my "place." This can all fall apart in a second. All he has to do is tell me to shut my mouth again, or to leave, or to lay still and let him do what he wants to me.
No, I can't entertain those thoughts. I have to act as if those things aren't in the cards, and that I'm on equal standing with him. Pan wants me to play his game, which means that I have some power in this, as messed up as that power is. I can't let him see how easy it will be for him to win, or how easy it would be for him to take me.
Deep breaths. In and out. I can do this.
For my brothers. Whatever happens next, I have to do it for my brothers. They are starving and alone and scared right now. I can take whatever Pan has to do to me for them. Felix isn't by my side to help me look after them, and Marcus is guarding them as best as he can in his cursed state. I have to do what I can now. I might be the only one who can.
Pan is in the music room when I reach him. He's sitting by the fire, and while his back is to me, I can see his hands are clenched tightly onto whatever instrument he's been playing. Pan doesn't acknowledge that I'm here, but I can see him tense ever so slightly as I step into the room. My heart is pounding loud enough to fill the room, but somehow the only noise is the crackling of the fire. I bury my hands within the skirt, trying to hide how much they are shaking as I hold my head up high once more. I close my eyes and just for a second all I can see is Toodles and Marcus, terrified and alone.
Just do this, I tell myself as I swallow. Just do it for them.
As I step closer, I see the instrument that Pan is holding, and my heart freezes when I recognize it. He's holding his panpipes and they are at his lips. It takes all my self control not to run here and now. I know what those pipes do, I know what will happen if I hear this music. I'm already fighting with everything I have not to fall to him. If I hear that music, I will be at his mercy and this time he will have no reason for me to stop dancing to his tune.
But… even as he blows into them, I don't hear them.
Oh, thank the gods. Even after all of this, I still can't hear them. I still can't hear the music. I don't know why, or how, but I'm not about to look a gift horse in the mouth. At the very least, for now, I'm safe from this one form of power he could have over me.
Pan lets out a roar of frustration and jumps to his feet, slamming the pipes against the table beside him. The table splinters and dents at the impact, but the pipes somehow stay intact. Instinctively, I take a step back, getting ready to leave but Pan turns to look at me before I can get closer to the door. I freeze in place, but I have no idea if that is because of the Curse or just the fear.
He is furious. I can see it in his eyes. Already, I know that I'm not going to leave this room without some sort of mark or bruise. And even though I can't hear the pipes, I suddenly wish that I wasn't standing alone before him like a sacrificial lamb. I wish that I had someone… Marcus, Felix, Bae, Hook, hell even Rumplestiltskin beside me, just so that I wouldn't be frozen and vulnerable and on my own.
"You can't hear it, can you, Vin?" he asks in a tone that tells me we both know the answer.
I shake my head involuntarily, not daring to say anything that will provoke him further. He curses under his breath, and the fire flares. He stares at me as if I'm insane, advancing on me in only a few steps.
"You still feel loved?" he sneers. "Even after what you saw today? After you saw those traitors?"
I'm suddenly glad that I froze before, because now it makes it easier to stand my ground. I scoff, rolling my eyes at him.
"If you think that putting them under a curse makes it real, you're more delusional than I thought," I reply curtly. "I know my brothers, I know the truth."
Even if it hurts like hell, knowing they hate me and are afraid, I know that much. I know my brothers love me and I love them. I wouldn't be standing here if that wasn't true. It will take far more than some curse Pan put on me to convince me otherwise. If he truly wanted me to feel unloved, he shouldn't have let me keep all of my memories.
But no. He just had to play, didn't he?
For a second, I think he's going to start ranting or attacking me as he did in Neverland after Henry and I got our hearts back. But instead, he just sighs, waving his hands in disgust and anger.
"I guess we'll have to work on that then," he murmurs as he turns away.
Work on that? As if me being free, having my own mind is something wrong? As if not being vulnerable to him when I hear the music is a flaw I need to improve on, when to hear it means that I feel lost, unwanted, and unloved?
Of course. Of course that's what he wants. Because if I feel lost and unloved, then it's all the easier for him to get inside my head. Just like before, when he tried to convince me that my sister and mother should be forgotten and I should embrace being a Lost Girl. If I believe I'm unloved now, it will be easier for him to tear me down and… I'm still not sure what it is he wants of me, but no doubt it still has to do with "breaking me."
I inhale, steeling myself, and step forward.
"I wanted to talk to you about that, actually," I state.
Pan glances at me in surprise, and I can see his eyes widen a bit as he finally takes in my appearance. His eyes scan me from top to bottom, a familiar lustful gleam shining as he looks at me as if I were a meal to devour. I can feel my skin crawl as he looks me over, but I keep my focus on the instruments behind him. As if a harp and piano can distract me from the fact that if he commands me to, he could-
No. No, I'm not going there. Not right now. I have to pretend. Pretend I have power so that I can pretend I have a say in all of this insanity.
Amazing. I've gone to allow Pan, the scum of the earth, to look at me like a piece of meat just to get scraps of something that will ensure my family's safety. Why did I not just let the Shadow kill him years ago? It would have saved me so much suffering.
Pan almost looks pleased at me dressing up. No doubt the bastard thinks I did it to please him. That I'm coming back on my hands and knees, to thank him and beg him not to throw me out into the misery he's damned my brothers to. He gives himself far too much credit. He tilts his head to the side, his expression a mix of curiosity and lust.
"Talk about what?" he asks.
"Your game," I answer. "And the rules."
Pan looks at me in confusion, his smile almost condescending.
"There never were any rules, Vin," he reminds me. "That was part of what made the game so fun."
Well, that much was true. When I tried to escape, everything was on the table. Dirty tricks, lying, stealing, threats. Nothing was off limits. Only problem was that I valued my moral compass and dignity enough to use my own means and nothing more. But Pan… he knew my weak spots. He knew that if he targeted those I cared about, I would do anything. Even join the Lost Ones, even agree to help kill an innocent boy.
I guess that makes this a little easier now. Before I could have used other resources, but chose to rely on myself. Now, I have no one but myself to rely on. Lucky me.
"They were unspoken rules," I point out. "But they were there. No quitting the game. No running away. Use whatever we had. But… New Neverland. New magic. New rules. And I'd prefer that these ones are said."
Pan blinks, taken aback. I don't think he expected me to acknowledge this sick obsession he has for me as a game. He probably expected me to insist that this isn't a game and demand he let me go. But i know that won't work. All that will earn me is bruises. Now I have to pretend and go along with it if I'm to save my brothers.
But there is an undeniable excitement in his eyes. He knows what I'm offering as I do. If the rules were unspoken, we could do whatever we wanted. But that was when we were on equal footing, and I was just as powerful as him. Now that isn't the case. By explicitly stating the rules, I'm adding a new twist the game: a chance to figure out how to bend the rules without breaking them.
He knows that there isn't much I can get out of this. He knows that all he has to do is say the word and I will do whatever he tells me. But by setting rules, he can have more fun figuring how to break me without breaking those rules. After all, if there's one thing Pan hates, it's a cheater.
"Fair enough," he concedes.
He steps out and holds his hand out to me.
"But I want you to dance with me," he adds.
He wants what?
I look at his hand disdainfully before glancing back at him.
"I can't hear the music, remember? I doubt that's changed in the last 3 minutes," I remind him dryly.
Just to rub some salt on the wound.
Pan rolls his eyes, and snaps his fingers. Instantly, music begins playing, as the instruments begin to move of their own accord, as if invisible servants are playing them. The melody is far different from the wild, percussive songs we'd play in Neverland. Something closer to a waltz. My surprise must show because Pan is smirking when he holds his hand out to me once more.
"Dance with me, Vin."
I dance with him.
He takes my hand and pulls me along with him, his other hand taking my waist. My body automatically follows his, knowing the steps even though I've never danced to anything like this, not even before he took me to Neverland.
He's reminding me that he still has power over me. That even though I'm making my move, he is the one with the better hand because he shuffled and dealt the cards.
For a moment, neither of us say anything. Instead he leads me along with the steady pace of the music, spinning me and reeling me around the room, my cloak and skirt flaring out around me. The entire thing is so bizarre, so different from Neverland, I can almost imagine that it's something out of a dream. A dream where I'm dancing with someone else, that the person whose hands are touching me isn't him and my skin isn't crawling with disgust but with chills.
"So, your rules?" Pan prompts me after a moment but not stopping the dance.
I catch his gaze as he spins me and I do my best to appear bored. As if I'm not thrown off by this show of power he's pulled.
"You've already established that I can't cross the border, and that I can't commit suicide," I recall. "But if that's the rule, then I should be allowed to go anywhere freely. You know I'm in no danger of crossing the line anyway, so there's no point in confining me to one place."
Pan laughs as he pulls me back to him, locking his hand around my waist once more.
"And let you hide away, never to be seen for years?" Pan challenges. "No, I got bored with that last time, Vin. And you know how it ended."
I do. It ended with Bae getting tortured, his shadow almost ripped out of him many times, and me using my magic just to keep my brother alive before handing myself over to Pan. And even then, it still wasn't enough, as he cursed us so that we couldn't touch.
Still, this does give me an opening, and damned if I don't seize it.
"Fine," I agree as I pull away and spin out. "Then I'll live here, as you planned. But no collateral damage. My brothers are off limits."
Pan sighs as he begins to reel me back into his arms.
"Oh come on, Vin!" he protests. "You really are trying to protect those traitors? They proved they weren't loyal to me, and now they are being punished. And I think I've made it clear that for everything you did for them on Neverland, it didn't matter. They don't care about you anymore."
The words are like a knife to the side. Worse, because I know what it feels like to be stabbed that way.
He's right. Here, my brothers hate me. They're afraid of me. They probably would prefer me dropping dead than seeing them again. After everything I did, risking so much to save them and protect them… and Pan took them away from me in the cruelest way possible.
But I won't abandon them. Even if they do hate me, I'm not going to leave them to Pan's mercy. I might not be able to get Pan to give them food and shelter, but I can at least ensure they aren't in any more danger because of me. Even if they hate me, I'll protect them and care for them. What else are sisters for?
"Then there's no reason to get them involved," I argue. "Nobody else gets hurt. Just you and me, Pan. That's what you want, right?"
There's no denying that Pan looks pleased at the words and he nods, taking a step backwards while I take a step forward.
"Alright, Vin," he agrees. "You stay here, but those traitors won't get involved. Anything else?"
Anything else? How about letting me go? Or bringing back Felix? Or hell, just letting us go back to Neverland?
"You don't rape me."
Pan actually stops at this and I stop with him. The look he's giving me is patronizing and it only disgusts me more. His cups my face in his hand, but I jerk away before he can touch me.
"Vin-" he starts, almost scoldingly.
"No!" I interrupt sharply. "I don't care what you have commanded me, I don't care what you try to do. You don't touch me ever, or I stop playing."
The silence that follows is thick enough that I could cut it. Even the music has stopped as Pan continues to hold my hand tightly, as if he's scared I'm going to walk out now. As if I even have that option after what he's done to me. Pan is staring at me with a mixture of indignation, shock, and anger. I can't even tell if he is angry that I would ask this or because it means that I completely believe he is capable of considering and going through with what I've said.
Even if he's mad about that, even if he's never considered it, I'm taking that off the table now. I don't care what he says or does, if I have some power in this game, I am going to protect myself in whatever small way.
Pan continues to stare at me and I hold his gaze with steel. I refuse to back down or show weakness. Any weakness and he will trample me now.
It's like watching a sunrise, how his stunned anger slowly morphs to resignation, and then anticipation and craftiness. The smile that starts to form sends my heart beating faster than the music that has stopped.
"Fine, Vin," he agrees, with his smile. "I won't do anything I haven't done to you before without your consent."
No. No that won't work. It means he can still kiss me, touch me, hit me and bruise me, hell even stab or poison me if he wants. I'll be damned if that bastard tries to kiss me one more time, after what he did to Felix.
I open my mouth to protest but Pan grabs me by my chin and roughly jerks me closer to him. I can feel his nails digging into my skin as he grins down at me.
"That's the deal, Vin. Take it or leave it."
Damn him. Damn him, for everything he has done. If I agree, he still gets to make me do who the hell knows what whenever he opens his mouth. Still can make me kiss him, still can hold me or dance with me, or whatever fucked up element of his fantasy he desires.
But if I say no, he can do so much worse.
Do it, I tell myself. Do it, and you might have a small chance of getting out of this with your sanity intact. But if you stoop to being his lover…
There's no coming back. That's it, it's over, I'm lost if I go there.
"Fine," I snarl, my voice muffled as he holds me.
Pan releases my chin and I pull back instantly. But Pan hasn't relinquished his grip on my wrist. He lifts his hand, and I know instantly he's going to start the music up again.
"And you stop hitting Regina," I blurt out without thinking.
Pan pauses for only one second before his eyes harden and he shakes his head.
"My business with the Evil Queen is between her and me, Vin," he replies firmly. "If she didn't want to face the consequences of her actions, she shouldn't have fought me in Neverland. Besides, I'm surprised at you, Vin. You'd side with the woman who ripped out Devon's heart and cast the first Curse over me, when I'm the one who took you in, protected you, made you everything you are today."
"She was trying to protect her son," I argue. "You-"
Pan's grip on me shifts as he grabs my arms in a bruising grip and yanks me against him, only to spin around and push me against the table that holds the panpipes. I gasp in pain as he bends me over it, while he's practically on top of me. I feel something hard against my leg, and I feel a spike of terror shoot through me.
He wouldn't dare… he just agreed… he wouldn't-
"Get the hell off of me!" I shout, but he doesn't listen.
I squirm but he doesn't yield. Despite the aggressiveness of his actions, Pan's smile is triumphant and sadistic. His eyes are telling me he enjoys seeing me like this, and that he likes seeing the fear on my face. And knowing that only makes me more afraid.
"Those are the rules, Vin," he concludes. "Anything else, and the game gets less fun. Now, are you going to play or not?"
The underlying threat is there. He's asking if I'm going to go along with these established rules, or if I'm going to still refuse to play. Because if I don't play, then all bets are off. Any protection for my brothers ends, and he will claim he is free to violate me in whatever way he wants.
I hate him. I hate him so much. I hate what he's doing, and I hate what he wants from me. I hate that he killed my brother. I hate that he took me and twisted and manipulated me the way he did. I hate him for condemning me and my brothers to this hell. I hate him for lying to me, for hurting me.
But I can't let anyone else get hurt. And I can't let my brothers keep on suffering because of me. Even if I have to become disgusted and hate myself, I have to protect them.
I close my eyes, and in my mind's eye, I see my brothers. I inhale and exhale slowly, steeling myself for what I'm about to do.
And then I force myself to push up, and my lips meet his.
Pan stumbles and his grip falters. I use it to wrench my arms from his grip, and tangle my fingers in his hair, my nails digging into his skull. The kiss is hard, aggressive, and meant to hurt. I bite his lip hard enough to draw blood and hear him gasp in surprise. I stand upright, forcing him backwards and closer to the fire. My head flashes with a brief image of backing him closer to the flames, and pushing him in.
But Pan recovers from his surprise, and suddenly he's starting to respond. So I let go and pull away, stepping back as quickly as I can before he can hold me and kiss me back.
My stomach is twisting in a knot and it's all I can do to keep the bile down that is fighting to rise in my throat. Tears sting my eyes, but I push them back, as if my eyes are just watering. My lips burn and feel disgusting, as if I can feel the taint of him. I try to wipe my mouth with the back of my hand, but it does nothing.
I kissed him. Gods forgive me, I just kissed the demon who killed Felix.
Felix, I'm so sorry.
"Proof enough for you?" I whisper, venom dripping off of every syllable.
And with that, I turn on my heel and walk away as fast as I can with my head held high.
Keep going. Just… just keep going… I can do this, I-
Gods, I can't!
As soon as I'm out the door and out of Pan's sight, I hike my skirt up to my thighs and sprint back to my room. As soon as I'm inside, I slam the door behind me and push the drawers in front of the door again. I barely make it to the toilet before the bile I've been holding down makes an appearance.
Once again, twice in so many days, I've thrown up after what he makes me do. Except this time, Pan didn't make me do anything. This time, I was the one who kissed him. Even if it was to show him that I'll play his game, I still willingly kissed him.
Before… before, it was the opposite. The first time, I tricked him into kissing me, because I had coated my lips with squid ink. Ever since, he's always done it to me, against my will. Now… now is different.
Will I have to keep doing this? Will I have to keep on acting like this, as long as I'm trapped here? I feel like I just took the first step down a slippery slope. And even if I don't lose my balance, even if I somehow keep my footing in this journey, I still won't like what happens when I reach the bottom.
I rest a sweaty forehead against the wall as I sit back, my dress sprawled out around me. But I no longer feel powerful or elegant as I had before.
I feel weak. I feel alone. I feel lost.
Once again, Pan puts me in a position where I become lost. But the one who took the final step, who had the final say in what I feel was me. Once again, my actions are what send me spiralling, even though he was the one who put me in this trap.
"Damn it," I sigh as I shakily get to my feet.
There is a knock on the door. Shakily, I get up to answer, and find Regina on the other side. In her arms is a steaming tray of food. My stomach growls instantly at the sight, but more than that, I focus on the bruises on Regina's hand. I glance up to see she has a cut along her cheek, and it's red. As if she's been struck.
Did I do this? Is this because I asked Pan to stop hurting her?
Regina passes me the tray, wincing slightly as she does. There's no denying the look of relief when I take it from her. I look down at a bowl of soup, a large loaf of bread, and some apples and cheese and place it aside.
"Regina, I'm-"
She shakes her head in warning, glancing around in worry. As if she's afraid Pan will hear and then do if he hears us talking about this. She looks back to me with a small smile, but I can see how her hands are trembling and her eyes are tearing up, no matter how she tries to hide it.
"Thank you for trying, my lady," she breathes. "But I'll be fine. Get some rest."
With that she closes the door and leaves me alone. I eat the soup and a little bread, but leave the rest alone. I don't have the stomach to take anything else. The food, however, does help give me some renewed clarity, and I figure out what I must do.
My choices are simple: I can either stay here, hating myself and crying. Or I can get off my ass and do something about it. And I can't do that if I'm without food or sleep.
I wrap the remainder of my food in one of the many clothes Pan has left for me, but I hide it in one of the drawers so it looks like I ate everything. After that, I don't even bother waiting for Regina. I change my clothes, stuff the pillows under the covers, and climb under the bed. Thankfully, it is still closer to early evening than night time, so I do not fall asleep to the sounds of my brothers crying.
And just as it was on Neverland, my body instinctively knows to wake up a few hours later. By now it's pitch black, in the middle of the night, and the lack of lights from the houses tells me everyone has fallen asleep. Which means Pan is likely asleep too.
I take out the food I hid, and put on one of the darker cloaks from my closet. Finally, I've changed back into my tunic and pants, and the familiarity is a welcome change. Speaking of familiarity…
I take the two hairpins Regina used to hold my hair in place earlier this evening and go to the locked window closest to the tree outside. It's trickier to do in the dark, but muscle memory helps guide me through the process of picking the locks. After only a few minutes, I hear a telling click and the window swings open. The icy wind greets my face, and I can't help but smile.
It feels like freedom.
Finally.
I pick up the food, and drop it to the ground. With both hands, I grab the closest, thickest tree branch and swing out. My legs lock around the tree branch and I shift my weight. The tree rustles, but the branch holds my weight. It only takes another minute to scramble down and my boots meet the wet grass.
Silently, I rush across the ground, grab the bundle of food, and pull the hood of my cloak over my head. And without a second thought, I dash across the yard, away from the mansion, away from Pan, and closer to the village.
After all, Pan and I agreed I would stay in the mansion. But we didn't say if that was all day or night, or how long I would stay for. We also agreed that he could not hurt my brothers. But we said nothing about me helping them or feeding them.
Now, just for these next hours, I'm free. And damn it, I will be free again.
Time to go to work.
A/N: *Peeks out from behind the corner* Uhhhh... hehe... hey guys...
So... yeah, sorry for the wait on this one. My creative juices hit an all time low, I was planning a bridal shower, and any time I got in a writing mood, a bunch of other projects all started jumping up and down, shouting "wait, wait, write me first! Write me first!" But I finally got my rear in gear and finished this so hopefully the wait for the next one won't be as long a wait. Although, fair warning in June a special wedding for a certain beta will be happening, so if you really want to, blame the happy couple! How dare those crazy kids go off and fall in love!
A special thanks to xXSweet Little BumblebeeXx, Candywhisp, and HermioneKatnis123 for putting this story on alert and to xXSweet Little BumblebeeXx, MarvelDCfanfatic, Vispi, and HermioneKatnis123 for favoriting it. Also, thank you ColdHeartAngel, TheRealWendyDarling, oncer448, FemaleWhovian, charliethompson67, and Guest for reviewing. And, as always, a special thank you to my beta Uncommon fairy, and to her fiance', the future Mr. Uncommon fairy for his help in putting together Vin's fight against the shadows. And, a special shout out to Mordred the cat, who distracted me multiple times while writing because he just needed some more play time.
Please follow, favorite, review, or whatever y'all want. Thoughts on Vin's deal with Pan and her sneaking out are especially appreciated. Don't forget to love each other!