Hi, I've got a new chapter for you. It's the longest one so far and features a bunch of guest starts. Enjoy and please leave reviews, I'd love to know what you think. Also, we are finally moving inside Derek's head for a while.

Chapter 6: Ferryboats and family

Derek's POV:

You are on a ferryboat with Mark. It's a beautiful day. Weather's classic Seattle and the water is so blue. It may be the most perfect ferryboat ride you've ever had. You and Mark are walking on the deck and he speaks: „I didn't see you for a long time my friend. Good times."

"I'm happy to see you too," you say.

"No you aren't," Mark laughs and you join him, but then you look down at your feet sadly.

"He presents with the loss of motor function in his legs..." (Tom Koracick, chapter 1)

"With the SCI they think he might have traumatic paraplegia." (Meredith, chapter 2)

If he ever wakes up, you may just get used to the idea of him being in the wheelchair. (chapter 4)

"You know you won't be able to do this anymore?" Mark asks.

"Yeah...but it's worth it. Going back to her is worth anything." You know it was different with Mark. He wanted to die so he could be with Lexie. You want to live to be with her big sister. You want to live so you can love Meredith even more. "I will adjust. I'm ready to adjust to my new life," you say.

"Yeah. You can do this. Meredith is waiting for you," Mark smiles encouragingly.

Meredith's POV:

Two weeks ago you started working again because you want to do something useful, but you visit Derek in the rehab center every day. Your friends and coworkers also come here often and yesterday you brought the kids along for the first time too. Bailey doesn't understand much yet, after all he's only 2. But for almost 5 years-old Zola it definitely isn't easy. Kids are resilient though, they can take it and Derek looked comfortable during their visit. You even saw something resembling a smile on his face, so you think it was worth it.

Today you're shaving him again. The swelling in Derek's face has gone down. It is full of scars, but

you still think he is the most handsome man you've ever seen. Even without the hair although it is a little strange.

The doctors and therapists told you to communicate with him as much as possible and remind him of the things and people in his life, so you feel like a broken record always telling him you are in Seattle, in a rehab center, you are Meredith – his wife and you have two children Zola and Bailey. A few times you also mentioned you have the third one on the way. Yesterday you brought his hand to touch your belly more than anything to make yourself feel better. You really want him to do it out of his own free will. He continues opening his eyes and nowadays he has them open pretty much all day, but he rarely focuses his gaze on people around him. Sometimes something unusual catches his eyes like yesterday Zola eating a big doughnut and even his new physical therapist with the distinctive dreadlocks.

You decorated Derek's room a little with a few photos he also had in his hospital room before, the pictures of ferryboats and even some brain scans to see if they remind him of anything. There are also kids' drawings Zola even put down her name and the words "FOR DAD" in clumsy capital letters. She also wanted to write "Get well soon", but you had to write the wish instead of her.

Derek's sister Liz came to visit a few days ago. Today his mother Carolyn is visiting along with Nancy and Kathleen. You know they are heartbroken and just trying the check on their son and brother, but it is still a little overwhelming. Amelia mercifully said she'll try to give you a little bit of peace and deal with them.

Carolyn's POV:

Your heart breaks for your youngest daughter and daughter in law when you see them both sitting hunched in the hallway in the rehab center. And then you enter Derek's room and feel all kinds of emotions – you are glad you're able to see him again, you are thankful he's alive and you are hurt because he looks like he's not really here. Not just because of his currently closed eyes, but some general feeling around him you are able to discern. You feel sorry for Meredith. Although she didn't have the love of her life taken away from her at a young age like you did, the situation is similar at some points. You still feel hopeful. And you heard that Derek saved 4 people at the crash site. You are incredibly proud of all your children.

You all sit with Derek for some time and then Nancy and Kathleen decide to go to cafeteria with their husbands. You feel like getting some fresh air and you go outside to the center's small park. When you sit down on the bench, you notice Amelia walking towards you. "Mom...are you ok?" she asks in a small voice. "I have to be. Derek's stable and I can only pray he will get better. He has you all taking care of him and that's...great." You drop a few tears and motion with your hand towards the place on the bench beside you.

Amelia's POV:

"The question is...are you ok? Amelia, I haven't heard from you in such a long time," you dreaded this. But she's your mom and at that moment you have to tell her everything.

"I wasn't. But I am now. You know when I was living in LA I...I relapsed. Me and my...fioncé, we were using and he...he overdosed. And that saved me I think. In that moment at the absolute bottom I realized I wanted more. I found out I was pregnant, but mom...oh, mom, he was born with anencephalia. Without a brain and he lived for...43 minutes. I let him go and it almost killed me. I donated his organs, he saved so many babies. I like to believe he is my angel and...he will be the angel for my future baby." Very near future actually. As you spill everything, you somehow feel the heavy weight leaving your chest. "I came here and...I met Owen. And he and I...we are together." And I need you, mom. Because I'm pregnant again. "And we're having a baby." At that moment you finally take a good look on your mom. She's speechless. She's watching you closely for a few moments. And then she says: "You are... I remember when you were learning to ride a bike. And you refused to use training wheels because you said that was for babies. And you wouldn't let me help, either. I had to... I had to spy on you from the kitchen window. You don't know how hard that was. Watching you fall over and over again. My other kids didn't like to fail, but you... One time you took this big spill, and you ripped open your pants. And by the time I ran out, you had pulled that old ratty bike up, and... and you were halfway down the block. Every time you fell down, you got up and came back stronger. Not that you didn't care about falling, but... just you weren't afraid of it. And that's what made you... what makes you... out of all my kids... the most like your father." Your mother inhales deeply. "After he died, it was hard to be around any...anything that reminded me of him," she sighs, "Derek said he'd watch out for you and he did his best, but... he wasn't your mother. You deserved a mother. But h-he offered, and I let him." Her voice breaks. "And it is my biggest regret."

"I put you though a lot. I know it wasn't easy," you say.

"I wasn't there when you needed a mother. When you most needed help trying to make sense of life or loss or love...I'm so sorry you lost so many people in your life, including your baby, and felt like you couldn't count on me."

"It's ok. I'm not angry at you, mom."

"I know, hon... but I...if you let me, I would really like to be here for you now. To help you with anything you need," She catches your hand. Now she smiles and winks at you: "Can I see?" She casts a look at your midsection and you roll your eyes playfully. You stand up and smooth your lose shirt. You turn to the side and from this angle, your abdomen is actually quite protruding. "I'm starting week 12 now. I really hope everything works out this time," you smile sadly, but find comfort in one fact and you believe mom would be happy to hear that, "But I have Owen with me now and he is taking really good care of us."

She also smiles. "Tell me about your first baby...if you want to, I mean... What was his name?"

"Christopher."

Just like dad. Great. Now you are both crying.

Carolyn's POV:

After your heart-to-heart conversation with Amelia, you go see Zola and Bailey in the daycare center. Your grandkids are so smart and amazing. You don't see them very often because of the whole continent in the way, but you're really glad they warmed up to you during the times you saw them before and they generally seem to be happy kids despite of all the bad happening in their lives. You are really proud of them too. "Nana!" Zola calls when she sees you at the door and runs to give you a hug. Bailey is toddling close by too and Zola proudly explains to the daycare ladies: "This is my grandma Carolyn Shepherd."

"Nice to meet you Mrs. Shepherd," the woman says with a smile, but then she realizes what she said and looks at the floor in shame. Of course, everybody in the center knows what happened to Derek and it's clear the reason of your visit is his horrible medical condition. You don't let it get to you though. "Nice to meet you too," you reply kindly. Then you play with the kids for a while and they are happy to tell you about their life and interests. Of course, mainly Zola is talking, but Bailey also chimes in every now and then. "I can't wait to go to school, Nana. And learn everything! You know, I already recognize the letters and numbers and I also know a lot about surgery and anatomy!" you laugh genuinely. Finally. Zola and Bailey are perfect. Zola will start going to school next year and you can say she's really excited about it. "And I wanna have fun with my classmates, it will be great!" you think it's amazing Zola can find things to be happy about even now during very hard times. You just hope her mother can too. Zola seems to be reading your mind. "Nana...daddy's improving, right?"

How do you respond to that? "Yes Zola, I believe he is. His doctors are saying so. And well, you saw him a few times, doesn't he seem better now than before?"

"Yeah I guess," Zola says. "Nana, will daddy be in the wheelchair? Like...paralyzed?" now you really cannot say anything. It's truly heartbreaking, but you saw how the nurses helped Derek sit up. How limp his legs were, how they were carefully handling them.

"Zozo, I don't know about that. You'll have to ask your mom."

"I don't wanna make mom sad," your granddaughter is incredibly thoughtful. You pull her into a hug again and then Bailey. He says: "Yeah, mama no sad. Bad. She's sad plenty." Yeah, I don't want mama to be sad. It's bad. She's been sad plenty. So many kids and grandkids really taught you something about understanding children. You realize that 2 years old Bailey is incredibly perceptive and thoughtful too.

"I don't want the sadness making mom sick," Zola mentions.

"Has your mama been sick?" you ask worried.

"Yeah...a little. Few times she threw up, cried and held her belly," she explains. You get an idea. But can it be? You are not sure whether it would be the worst or the best thing right now. You reply to Zola: "Don't worry, Zozo. You're a really caring little girl, but I'm sure mom will be fine. Just like your dad. They are strong like you," you wink at her and spend some more time in the daycare before heading back.

You go up to the floor Derek's room is on and you see Nancy, Kathleen and Meredith talking by the door. You hope your daughters aren't harassing her in any way because Shepherd women can be quite overbearing, especially when there are more of them together.

"Hey, girls. Can I go in? How is he?" you ask.

"Not much change, but maybe he will look at you," Meredith replies. "Go ahead."

Your girls go talk to Amelia some and you enter Derek's room along with his wife. She slumps into the chair beside Derek's head and then she gestures to the other chair in the room.

You sit down. "This is a very nice room. With the colorful walls and all the light. The whole center looks nice, it has a positive vibe," you say with a smile.

"Yeah, I like it. They are well equipped too. Derek doesn't need or can't use much sports equipment for his therapy now, it is more about him getting used to various positions, retraining movement patterns or preventing total muscular atrophy, but still," she makes a small gulp, "Kids liked the colors too." She holds your son's hand, brings it to her lap and she strokes circles on the hand's back. "And you? How are you doing Carolyn? How are things at home?" You sense she is just trying to make small talk, she quite understandably has no interest in your life in NYC. But she doesn't wanna look like she doesn't care about you or maybe doesn't want to be silent with her thoughts.

"What can I say? Nothing overly interesting happening. I am spending time with my grandkids, I'm happy Nancy and Kath live close by with their families." At least two of your children stayed close. Amelia and Derek are here in Seattle and Lizzie lives in North Carolina now. It's closer than Washington, but still not close enough. "Together they have eight kids, so it's never boring."

Meredith makes a small sweet smile. Then the machine by Derek's bed signalizes his IV is finished and she doesn't wait for the nurse, she just takes care of it. You almost feel like a spy and bad about it, but at these moments you watch your daughter-in-law intently. You can see her doing similar things you saw Amelia doing. She puts her hand on her lower back to support it when she stands up, she is yawning and was rubbing her temples before. You also glance at her clothes and see she is wearing leggins which are likely comfortable enough and a long jersey. Ideal to hide a small baby bump if necessary.

Later when you and the girls are leaving, you hug Meredith tightly, hoping to convey every feeling in that hug – love, support, gratitude, hope. Then you pull away slightly, keeping yor hands on her hips and say: "Take care of yourself Meredith."

Meredith's POV:

Shepherds and their kids. You were never together with all of them, but Derek once said he had 9 nieces and 5 nephews. Amelia doesn't or well, didn't have any kids then, so Nancy and Kathleen having eight of them together means Liz has 6. Huh.

You are happy you're done dealing with the Shepherd women. They were nice, but for you there's no need to repeat the family reunion anytime soon. Except for the changing shifts in the hospital, you found some kind of routine. Most days you go to work, do surgeries and other doctor stuff, you go pick up the kids and then you go to the rehab center and spend time with Derek – not necessarily in that order when you are working at night or something. Today Owen approaches you at work and you can see he is nervous about something.

"Chief?"

"Meredith...can I ask you to...empty Derek's locker in the attendings locker room? We need the space for new doctors." You get that. The class of residents just passed their boards. Some of them are staying at Grey Sloan Memorial and they need lockers. You get why Owen is nervous though. It isn't even his job to deal with something as trivial as lockers, but he wants to see whether you'll be ok after this request, that's why he decided to be the one to tell you. You feel bitter about clearing the locker of all Derek's things, but you reply: "Of course."

You put all his small things from his locker in a bag and fold the labcoats with Derek Christopher Shepherd, M.D., F.A.C.S. embroidered on them. And then you see something in the coat pocket. It's his ferryboat scrub cap. Somewhere in your heart you know that even if Derek gets all whole and healed, he won't be able to do such thing as surgery again and wear this scrub cap. You are not sure whether to feel sad or thankful that he is in the shape he is. You feel the cloth in your hands and then you put it on your head, hiding your hair beneath the cap.

"It's a choice I'm making. To move forward. To move past this." Ellis Grey

You go operate and feel Derek is with you every step of the way. And when you think about it, you grin a little behind the mask because you realize he actually is with you. In your abdomen currently hidden by bigger scrubs.

...

You are 11 weeks pregnant (and Derek's 11 weeks in a coma, you remind yourself bitterly...though he is better you still can't say he's fully conscious) and today is the day of your prenatal appointment. You admit to your OB/GYN Connie that these days you are feeling exhausted and achy. She assures you it's completely normal but it's definitely not pleasant. You also feel like you're starting to show. Ok, it's not noticeable to the people around you (You don't know your mother in law figured it out, but it wasn't because of the bump anyway. It was the experience of the mother of 5 children and grandmother of 16 grandchildren.), but when you look in the mirror, you can definitely see roundness in your lower belly. Also the blue lines criscrossing your abdomen and boobs are visible on your fair skin. The expanded network of veins that's carrying the increased blood supply needed to nourish your growing fetus. What makes you happy is the fact that your morning sickness has ceased and in the evening you and Amelia are enjoying chocolate together in your house, laughing at the most stupid jokes in TV and happy to be away from everyone's eyes.

Amelia's POV:

You can finally relax eating chocolate with Meredith, your feet up on the sofa, your belly under a big shirt. For the past few days (or weeks really) you've been worrying so much, but your 12 weeks appointment and utrasound showed the baby is completely alright. Owen was there holding your hand and watching the monitor totally mesmerized. You weren't able to find out the sex of the baby yet because he or she was turned away from you. You rub the belly slowly now and even though it still feels weird, you speak to the baby: "Hey, little one. We found out you are completely okay today and we can't wait to meet you. But you still have a long way ahead, just stay there, grow big and strong. Did I mention you'll be almost the same age as your cousin? Yeah baby, plus you also have cousins Zola and Bailey and like a million more on the east coast. Yeah and that...I'm just really glad you're okay," you notice Mer who was away somewhere come back into the room and you feel a little flustered but she doesn't comment in anyway. „Uh...I'm not sure whether the baby can feel the belly rubs or hear my voice already, but I kinda like to do it," you try to explain, but Mer really doesn't make a big deal of it. "Okay. I do it too...uh, sometimes. Do whatever you feel like doing."

She sits down again, drinks juice and then rubs her belly. You eye her with a smile. She throws a pillow at you. "Hey! Wipe that stupid grin off your face!"

"You are cute! Oh gosh, when my brother comes back to himself, I bet he will just be sentimental melting all over you. Yuck, I don't think I'll be able to handle the overall cuteness."

Meredith's smile fades a little: "Yeah, I hope we will get to being all cute and sentimental and...conscious and annoying you," she sticks out her tongue, "You know you were the cute one, talking to your baby bump, being all sentimental. And gushing over Zo and Bay, oh wow!" she mockingly cuddles the pillow.

"Shut up! And I don't have the baby bump yet!"

"Hate to shatter your illusions, but you do. Ok, most people probably can't see it, but I totally feel for you and alternate on bathroom trips with you and whatever...girl, how far along you even are?" Meredith winks with a smirk. Yeah, the frequent bathroom trips are annoying for you too plus you feel like your stomach is hardened and you have an insane heatburn. Not that you would expect to have a textbook pregnancy, but it's soon for these symptoms.

"12 weeks and you? You have this cute rounder face, did you notice?" you laugh again, but Meredith's face really looks different.

"Eleven. And I feel really bloated these days. That's why I was rubbing my belly, trying to ease the feeling a little," she smirks, "It wasn't so bad when I was pregnant with Bailey."

"My heatburn wasn't quite this bad when I was pregnant with Christopher either." You sigh and Meredith smiles sadly as you mention your son for the second time in a few days. You've also told mom and Owen about him recently. It feels strange and exposing, but somehow part of the guilt and burden lifted up from your chest. It still makes you really sad.

"I don't think it compares, but...I had a miscarriage once. I never felt so alone," you get that Meredith shares it mostly for your benefit. You've seen Addison struggle with fertility issues and it definitely wasn't easy. You can imagine that losing a baby, though just an embryo at the time, hurt a great deal.

You force a smile. "Who would have thought...we would be belly buddies or something," you chuckle and pull Meredith up from the sofa. "Compare time!" you announce wanting to move on from the sad things. You stand opposite Meredith and you chuckle: "If our stomachs touch before our noses, we are seriously pregnant!" You step closer to Meredith, your stomachs really touch and you drag Meredith in front of the mirror. Meredith is one week behind, but her stomach looks bigger. "Okay, lift up your shirt," you chuckle and once the stomachs are bare, hers is really more protruding. "Girl you are huge!" you laugh. It isn't really true, you are sure other people would have problems noticing, but you can tease Mer a little. "Are you sure you're not having twins or anything?" "Seriously Amelia? What about you?" she attacks you, tickling your stomach and pinching it a little. "Okay, truce, truce!"

Meredith straightens. "Your stomach is really hard, you know?" she fakes concern. "You are sure you're not gonna give birth on my living room floor?" she says mockingly. "Sorry, I would skip on that offer..." You chuckle again: "Do you think something was in that juice or what? Because there's not a teaspoon of alcohol in me, but I feel drunk here. Drunk and aaaall the way crazy!" you say. You don't really recognize yourself, but the circumstances around both you and Meredith are insane and you can give in to the craziness a little.

"Nope you're twisted enough even without it. But maybe you have extra portion of the crazy hormones. You should consult with Addison on that," Meredith laughs and you join her. "Seriously, maybe she has advice. I mean, she helped ME out of all," she eyes you to see your reaction. "At 4 weeks she checked on me and did the very first ultrasound scan."

You think of that time not so long ago, but it feels like a thousand years. Derek was all out and Meredith was gone. "You were in LA, you bitch?! We were going crazy about your absence!"

Meredith rolls her eyes and you say:

"I must have a word about this with Addie! And you know I might just tell Derek later, I'm sure he will have a blast about it."

Hey, what do you think? What did you love? What did you hate? What will happen next?