Author Notes - One of the challenges of this story is having Patty and Selma as relatively-likable main protagonists, while also sticking as closely to their canon personalities as possible. Which, considering that the both of them are supposed to be the obnoxious (and rather hateful) in-laws who despise Homer's very existence, is going to be difficult.

One way I have of keeping them likable is giving them a good relationship with their little sister, and showcasing their individual difficulties. For instance, Patty may not be the most likable person in the world, but when you see all the homophobic jerks she will have to deal with, it makes her less pleasant edges more understandable. Plus, their hatred for Homer is going to very clearly be more of a case of 'our little sister deserves someone much better' than anything.

Also, f-k they're only 41? Like, only 2-3 years older than Marge? That... okay then, um... well, I guess we gotta deal with that. It's too late to change it, and I don't really care cos them being 8 years older just works for this story better. This story was an AU to begin with, so might as well stick with it. HOWEVER, according to a quick joke in 'Sleeping With the Enemy', I was correct in my assumption that Patty is the older of the two. YES!

CHAPTER SIX - GIRL TROUBLES

1958... Middle school may have been painful, but Selma had someone to come home to. Patty, on the other hand...

Little Margie sat on the bottom step on the staircase, shaking her fists about in an attempt to contain her excitement. The three-year-old had learned months ago that, when that clock read a certain time, it meant her sisters would be arriving home. Soon after then, Daddy would get back from his job. It made her smile, thinking about her father as the airline hero he no doubt was.

Jacqueline was in another room, watching some TV instead. As of late, Krusty's TV show had morphed from a sketch format to sitting down and talking about topical issues. Not that Marge had any hope of understanding at the age of three, but the more politically-intense climate urged the presenter to change his show. Well, more correctly, it was the network's choice and he just had to deal with it. It inevitably came back to the biggest topic of them all - that civil rights movement that was going on.

'I don't understand why there needs to be discussion.' Krusty said, clearly done with the format change already. 'Just give everyone a crappy drinking fountain! That'll save some money.'

Jacqueline frowned. 'You're going to force me to drink out of a crappy fountain? Eugh... what these people will do for equality.'

Marge had heard the entire discussion up until now, but she didn't understand it. Why couldn't they just give everyone good drinking fountains? That way, everyone could have good water! Whatever inner discussion she was about to have with herself came to a swift stop when the sound of a jiggling doorknob hit her ears.

The door opened.

'... And Mrs Walker can shut up about my outfit. I'm not going to wear those frilly dresses like everyone else, because I'm the only one who realises how horribly uncomfortable they are.'

'Hey, dresses are great. Well, they are until Mr White decides to make us run a million miles in them. Then I hate them.'

The three-year-old could recognise those annoyed voices any day, so she wasn't at all surprised when her sisters showed up on the other side of the door. Despite being near-identical same-sex twins, Marge could easily tell the difference between the two thanks to their different hair colours and very different outfits. One wore a T-shirt and jeans - an outfit more befitting a boy - while the other wore a beautiful but cheap blue dress. Patty's outfit barely fit her anymore at this point, as she had been wearing it for years. Her mother refused to buy her any more pants and she refused to wear a dress, so it was her only option.

'You're back!'

She leapt into the arms of the blonde twin without giving her any warning. It took Selma by surprise when her little sister suddenly pounced at her, and she caught her in her arms only by instinct. The look of surprise on her face got replaced quickly by a soft smile.

'Yeah, that's right.' She said. 'I'll always come back for you.'

Patty rolled her eyes. 'Ugh!'

Selma smirked. 'You're just jealous that she only pays attention to me.'

'Am not!'

Marge giggled. She couldn't understand why her dad still struggled to tell the two apart sometimes. Perhaps his job as an airline hero worked him so tired that he simply couldn't see the differences anymore.

'Welcome home, sweeties!' Jacqueline called from the living room, with the bare minimum of enthusiasm or joy.

None of them, except for Marge, took these greetings even remotely seriously anymore for the most part. What was the point of asking 'how was school' when the answer was always 'it made me want to drive off a cliff'? There was one little exception, though.

'Do you always have to be so mad whenever we get home?' Selma asked, without even trying to make it sound like a genuine question.

'I should be asking you how you can be so happy after days like this! You're only like this cos you're the only one who Marge likes for some reason.'

'Oh, so you are jealous!'

Patty opened her mouth, presumably to yell at her some more, before she closed it again and merely rolled her eyes. She decided that she didn't want to respond to her twin's stupidity - and admit that Selma was right even less so - and just threw her school bag aside.

'If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.' She said. 'No one cares what I'm doing in there. Frankly, neither do I.'

As she walked up the steps, she left her little sisters behind at the door. Fortunately for her, she didn't look back once. If she did, she would've seen Selma giving her a rather rude expression. Marge saw it, of course, and frowned.

'That's mean!' She said.

Selma cocked an eyebrow. 'You really think that, huh? How about you spend every single night sleeping in the same room as her? Lucky you, you get your own room. If you spent just one day with Patty, you'd see that she's-'

'AAAHHHHH!'

The blonde twin's heart skipped a beat. That wasn't just one of those 'I want food' screams from a year ago, but full-on genuine horror. She almost screamed too, her mind flooding with thoughts, with questions wondering what she did wrong.

Did I hurt her?! Oh Marge, I didn't mean to!

'W-What's wrong?!' Selma cried.

'Patty bleeding!' The toddler yelled. 'Patty bleeding!'

That was not at all the response either twin was expecting. On one hand, Selma was relieved that nothing was wrong with Marge. On the other, her heart was still racing like a cheetah.

'W-What do you mean, she's bleeding?' She asked. 'She isn't... AHHHHHH!'

Oh good god, Patty was bleeding. Not too much, but the fact that she was bleeding at all was enough to make Selma feel sick to her stomach.

'Wait, I'm bleeding?!' Patty exclaimed. 'Where the hell am I bleeding?!'

Neither Marge nor Selma could bring themselves to say exactly where, but Patty could figure it out. Both her younger sisters looked not at her face, but... another spot. She twisted her body around as far as it would go, and when that didn't go far enough she pulled on the seat of her pants.

'OH MY GOD!' She screamed. 'WHY THE HELL AM I BLEEDING THERE?!'

'How should I know?!' Selma yelled back. 'We've been together for the entire day and you did nothing that would make you bleed out of your... there!'

'WELL SOMETHING IS MAKING ME BLEED OUT OF MY-!'

'GIRLS!'

The twins were so deep into their yelling match that they didn't notice that their mother had entered the scene. In contrast to all three of her daughters, she had not a shred of worry or concern on her face. In fact, all that could be seen on her face was a small smile.

'Girls,' She said with a soft tone. 'I can assure you that this is perfectly normal.'

'NORMAL?!' Patty screamed. 'What the hell about this is normal?!'

Jacqueline let out a nervous chuckle. At that moment, it dawned on her that she was yet to give her twin daughters a very important talk. Marge had calmed down, but only a little bit, and Selma was giving Jacqueline a look that screamed 'give us an answer'.

'You see, Patty,' The mother said, perhaps too sweetly. 'When a little girl becomes a little lady, she gets what we call a 'period'.'

The explanation did not make Patty's face any less pale. '... A what now?'

'How do I explain this? See, your body is now producing little eggs that when, um, fertilised by a man will create a little baby.'

Selma's eyes widened. That was how babies were made? That certainly complicated some of her plans.

'Okay, I kinda understand.' Patty said. 'Now explain why I'm bleeding.'

Jacqueline chuckled. 'Well, if a man doesn't fertilise your egg, your body will decide to get rid of it. It dissolves into blood, and out from your, uh, you-know-what it goes! This happens about once a month, and it lasts for about a week. In fact, my last period just ended yesterday!'

She turned to Selma and, without asking for permission or paying Marge any mind, grabbed her shoulders and spun her around. Selma cringed, knowing full well exactly where her mother was looking.

'And by the looks of it,' Jacqueline said. 'Selma actually hasn't hit hers yet.' She turned to Patty. 'Seems like you're a bit of an outlier in the Bouvier family! It took me until I was thirteen to get my first period.'

Patty's jaw fell open. 'W-Wait, what?! I guess it's good to know that it's natural and stuff, but... every month? For a week?! And my body's doing this cos it makes babies? But I don't even want kids! Why do I have to bleed once a month? From... there?'

Somehow, through all of this, a smile appeared on Selma's face. Once a month, every month? So many opportunities! She hugged Marge a little tighter, helping the toddler to relax. She could practically feel the skin of her own child at that very moment.

Jacqueline placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. 'Don't worry, Patty. I'll be sure to help you out through this endeavour. And even if you really don't like it, you don't have to deal with it forever! When you're about fifty years old, it'll stop completely!'

Selma gasped.

'Wait, you mean that?' Patty asked. 'Forty years can't go by soon enough.'

Jacqueline laughed again. 'Now don't you go saying that. I wanna see some grandchildren in my time, okay?' She peered over at the spot of blood. 'Oof. But we should probably take care of that now, shouldn't we? I don't want to see you bleeding all over the place! I'll take you to the bathroom and we'll sort this all out.'

She led her redheaded daughter up the stairs with an arm wrapped around her shoulders. Patty winced slightly, her face only getting even paler as she thought about all that blood on her clothes. It left Selma and Marge by the front door, one confused by the events but the other horrified.

'There's... there's a time limit?' Selma wondered out loud.

'For what?' Marge asked.

She hugged her baby sister even tighter. Any tighter, and Marge would've started choking. There's a time limit?! She screamed in her own thoughts. Before I can't have any children of my own? I know it's a long while away but... I'm already a fifth of the way there! She gulped.

'I gotta find a boy...' She muttered. 'As soon as possible.'

'Why?' Marge asked, again.

Selma blushed slightly. 'You don't need to know. It's, um, personal things. Don't worry about it.'

'You worried. Marge worried too.'

Somehow, Selma managed to smile again. After everything else she had to deal with, between the tough teachers at school and the fights with her twin, Marge was the light at the end of the tunnel. Suddenly, she frowned again.

Maybe Patty was jealous for a reason...

'Can I just slip into clean underwear already?'

'Not yet. We can't do it now. You don't wanna just stain your new pair, do you?'

'Obviously no.'

'Then we gotta get a pad first!'

Patty had never felt so uncomfortable. The thought of sitting in her own blood constantly hovered over her, and she just wanted to get into fresh clothes already. Instead, she had to watch Jacqueline sorting through the bathroom drawers until she found a small box of pads. Upon seeing those big white rags, it only made Patty even more uncomfortable. They had to have been at least half-an-inch thick.

'You serious, Mom?' She asked. 'I have to shove that into my underwear?'

Jacqueline nodded. 'Well, there are tampons, but that's a bit much for your first time.'

'Wait, what's a tampon?'

'Well, they're little bits of cloth that go right up your-'

'OKAY!' Patty yelled. 'THAT'S ENOUGH DETAIL!'

Jacqueline, apparently finding her daughter's lack of comfort funny, just giggled as she got to explaining how to put one on. Finally, Patty could shed those dirty pants and underwear, but as she undid the zipper she noticed something off about the fresh clothes her mother had lying on the washing basket. It wasn't anything like her usual get-up of a shirt and pants. In fact, it was a long pink dress.

'Uh, Mom?'

'Yes, Patty darling?'

Patty rolled her eyes. 'That's a dress.'

Jacqueline nodded. 'Yes, indeed it is! I bought it for you a few weeks ago, but you never wore it. See, all your other clothes are in the wash, so this is the only fresh thing we have that fits you. Unless, of course, you don't mind wearing something of Selma's.'

The redheaded twin winced, and chose to cooperate as much as she didn't want to. After undressing herself and getting into the get-up that her mother set for her, it only made her feel even more uncomfortable. Not only did she still have to sit in her own blood for a couple hours before she had to change the pad again, but the pad itself felt like a fluffy brick in her pants and the lacy dress made her feel like a schoolgirl. Now, she was a schoolgirl, but she wasn't exactly proud of it.

'Mom, I hate this.' She said, bluntly.

'Aw, don't say that!' Jacqueline said. 'You'll get used to it.'

Patty wasn't quite sure if she was referring to the periods or the dress, but she hated both equally anyway.

'And even if you don't, it'll just take another year or two before Selma has to go through the same thing. Is your period painful in any way?'

Patty shrugged. 'Not really. I did feel some stomach cramps today, which I guess was related, but that was it.'

'Well then, if you're lucky, then Selma's gonna suffer much more than you!'

That put a cheeky little smile on Patty's face.

Only by watching reruns of those theatrical shorts did Selma realise just how much Itchy was trying to capitalize on the success of Mickey Mouse, even though they came out at around the same time from what she heard. Clearly, Walt Disney and this 'Roger Myers Sr' must've been competitors. Luckily for her, Marge loved the both of them. Though, Selma had to admit that she was beginning to like Itchy more. Compared to the squeaky-clean Mickey who just got meeker with every short, Itchy had become more cheeky and even more violent over the years.

'Look out, Mickey!' Marge cried. 'Giant is right there!'

They were watching a rerun of 'Brave Little Tailor' specifically, and the poor guy was nearly getting crushed by that big old giant. The two sisters had watched this particular short plenty of times, but Marge loved it no less each time it played.

'Look Selma! That giant is smoking, just like Daddy!'

Something about the happy-go-lucky way her little sister said that made Selma cringe. She could barely remember it at this point, but that little 'incident' from when she was nine convinced her that smoking wasn't exactly good for someone Marge's age. Heck, let alone her own age for that matter. It was beginning to make the short a little hard to watch, especially when the giant's smoke made Mickey sneeze just as violently as she did two years ago.

The front door opened.

'I'm home, darlings!' Their father announced as he arrived.

Marge gasped with joy. 'DADDY!'

The toddler ran across the room and jumped into the arms of her father. Clancy picked her up and brought her into a tight and loving hug, though the cigarette in his mouth made Selma feel uncomfortable. Even if he smoked all the time, she never felt right seeing him do it around Marge, and she didn't know why.

'What did Daddy do at work today?' Marge asked.

'Oh-ho, it was quite the mean storm we encountered!' He said, clenching a fist. 'But Daddy got through it without a scratch!'

Selma rolled her eyes. Poor little innocent Marge didn't know that Clancy's job wasn't nearly as amazing as he made it out to be. Yes, it was on a plane, and there was the possibility that there was a 'mean storm' that he 'got through without a scratch', but she and Patty knew that it was a cold reading at best. He never mentioned actually flying the plane, after all. It was tempting to tell Marge the truth, but Selma couldn't break her little sister's heart and Patty didn't want to deal with the inevitable crying.

'Say,' He said. 'Where's Patty?'

Normally, one might sugarcoat the details about the situation. Marge certainly was about to. Selma, however, was never one for sugarcoating.

'She's got her first period.' She explained, with an apathetic tone. 'Mom's taking care of it right now.'

Clancy gasped. 'Her first period? My, our Patricia is growing up fast!' He chuckled. 'Much faster than you, it seems!'

She scoffed. 'She was born before me. Only by a few minutes, but still.'

'Hey, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Every girl hits hers eventually. It'll be your turn soon enough!'

She laughed. 'I am not waiting for the days where I bleed out of my butt. Trust me.'

Marge winced a little, but Clancy didn't seem to mind. He had raised three daughters after all, and had long since readied himself to have this discussion. Her somewhat vulgar remark just made him laugh.

'Well, appreciate the time while you've still got it!' He said. 'Oh, and I won't let Jackie know you said that. She'd never let you get away with saying that in this household.'

'Oh, I am so worried.' Selma remarked with fifty layers of sarcasm. 'Maybe if I disobey her enough, she'll kick me out of the house.'

Marge gasped. 'No! I don't want Selma to leave! She won't be kicked out, right Daddy?'

He shook his head. 'Don't worry, Margie. Selma won't be leaving until she's ready. And Mommy would never kick out one of her own kids.'

This seemed to placate the little girl, as she smiled and placed her head against Clancy's chest. Her father's hugs had a certain warmth to them, like lying down by the fire on a cold Christmas day. It was so cosy and fluffy that Selma could feel the warmth just by looking at it. It wasn't Marge she was looking at, however, but rather Clancy. He seemed so happy to be holding his daughter so close.

I want that. Selma thought. I want to have something like that one day.

'What's wrong, Selma?' Clancy asked.

The blonde twin flinched; she had figured that her father was too occupied with the little one to notice her in her thoughts.

'I-It's nothing.' She answered, failing to make it sound remotely convincing.

'Do you wanna talk about it?'

'I... it's silly, okay?' She paused. 'How old was Mom when she gave birth to me and Patty?'

Clancy's eyes widened. For all the tweenaged girl problems he was thinking of, that was not one of them. Still, her eyes seemed to be begging for an answer, and he was not one to deny his own daughter a request. He had to do a little bit of math to figure this one out - he didn't want to think back to that day, especially when it was Selma he was talking to.

'About twenty-five years old, I believe!' He answered. 'Of course, she was twenty-four when we found out we were going to have... twins, but twenty-five is the age when she had you and your twin.'

'Oh. I see. Uh, how old were you guys when you first met?'

Clancy chuckled. 'Late into highschool, I think. We didn't love each other so much back then! But, over a few years, something bloomed between the both of us.' He sighed, blissfully. 'Then we found out about eleven years ago that we were gonna have a daughter, and... the rest is history.'

He didn't notice his little slip-up, but Selma did. She paid it no mind, though. After all, he did work long hours, so she didn't see it that implausible for him misspeak like that. Either that, or he wanted to disown Patty as much as she did.

'And before you ask,' He continued. 'Jackie and I were very proud to have you and Patty. We love you both equally.' He gave Marge a soft smile and held her closer. 'And I love you just as much, Marge.' He then whispered into her ear, 'In fact, I love you more.'

That got a little laugh out of Marge.

'I heard that!' Selma yelled.

'Hey, it's okay!' Clancy said. 'I was only joking. What kind of father would I be if I played favourites?'

'A pretty crappy one.'

'Exactly! And don't use that language when Jackie's in the house.'

Selma chuckled to herself; if Jackie thought her language was too vulgar, then she must've never heard the things that Patty would say when by herself. No eleven-year-old should ever drop the F-bomb so often, but like most eleven-year-olds she did anyway.

Speaking of Patty...

'Hey Dad, can you take care of Marge for me?' She asked. 'I'm gonna go check on Patty and see if she's bled all over herself.'

'I was just about to ask you the same thing!' He responded. 'I'll gladly take over the caring duty while you check up on your twin.'

'I'll let you know if it looks like a murder scene.'

As Selma left to walk up the stairs and tend to her slightly-distressed older twin, Clancy carried Marge over to the couch and settled himself down. Marge wrapped her arms around him as tight as her little muscles could let her, which was tight enough to make Clancy cough some more. Both of them turned to the TV, which was now playing Mickey's Surprise Party, also known as the short depicting Mickey's modern design for the first time. A little strange that a redesign in 1939 was considered 'modern', even in our modern times, but that was the case.

The plot was quite simple, really. Minnie accidentally baked cookies with popcorn thanks to her dog Fifi, before Mickey swooped in to save the day with - of all things - Nabisco products. As much as Clancy loved this short, he could still remember the time it convinced him to annoy his parents to buy him some, and it must've been hereditary because his twins loved them when they were little.

The smile on his youngest daughter's face only made him smile too, especially since he had some news for her that would only make her smile even wider. He put his cigarette aside as he addressed her.

'Hey, Margie.' He said, catching her attention immediately.

'Yes, Daddy?'

'So, you've seen all those trailers for that new upcoming Disney movie, right? Hmmm... now what was it called again?'

'Sleeping Beauty! Sleeping Beauty!'

He chuckled. Pretending not to know things so his daughters could happily correct him was probably one of his favourite parts of fatherhood, even if Patty and Selma's answers were loaded with 'you idiot's.

'Are we gonna see it?' Marge asked. 'Are we? Are we? Are we? Are we? Are we? Ar-?'

'Well, I've been making sure to save up a little bit of money so we can afford the five movie tickets, but... the answer is yes!'

'YAAAAAAY!'

Marge clapped her hands and bounced about in his arms, quickly wearing him out even faster than the twin fights did. Unlike those fights, however, he was happy to be worn out by this little episode. Now this was his favouritest of favourite parts of fatherhood.

'When-are-we-gonna-see-it?' She asked, so quickly her words blended together.

'If we can, the twenty-ninth of January, the first day it comes out!'

'Aw... that's so far away...'

'I know it is, but I just know the wait will be worth it!'

The little toddler was about to yell out to the mountain tops and the deepest sea trenches that this movie was sure to make her the happiest child on Earth - or something to that effect - before she was cut off by a sound coming from upstairs. It was the sound of Selma laughing her head off.

'SHUT UP!' Patty yelled.

'Pretty Patty in pink! HA! It's perfect!'

'I'M GONNA KILL YOU!'

Marge could hear her older sisters engaging in a brawl upstairs, and it just made her laugh. After all, she knew they would never really kill each other, even if they did end up with rather bad injuries afterwards sometimes.

'DON'T WORRY, CLANCY!' Jacqueline called. 'I can handle this one!'

Jacqueline managed a small smile as she slotted all those old pants into the donation box. Those poor little boys were going to get much more use out of Patty's pants than the redhead ever would, and the next day she could return with the other set of fresh pants. There was a feeling of guilt at the back of her neck, but that period gave her a perfect opportunity to help Patty, and she had to take it even if it required tricking her own daughter.

As she began her walk back from the charity shop, she thought to herself about her little 'trick'. It wasn't a trick, really, she figured. It could hardly be called a 'trick' when she had her daughter's best interests in mind. Like any good woman, she knew where those pants and boyish attitude would lead if not stopped at once. She cringed just thinking about where Patty could've been had she not stepped in. Selma and Marge were certainly on the right path, and it wouldn't be fair if Jacqueline didn't step in to make sure that the same could be said about Patty too.

Author Notes - I am not sorry for including a discussion about periods, though I did try to leave out any unnecessary details, such as the exact location of the blood stain. Look, it's a household consisting of three daughters and no sons, two of which are in middle school, so this topic is going to be brought up sooner or later.

At this point, the main arcs for both Patty and Selma have started. In case it isn't clear, Selma's will involve her pursuing her dream of motherhood, while Patty's is more about her growing up in a very homophobic time. While Homer and Marge will mostly share theirs - romance, obviously - I do plan to do things with them as individuals.

ALSO ALSO, oh Jesus Christ Jacqueline... I have to make her seem like a remotely good parent (compared to Abe anyway), WHILE she's more-or-less forcing one of her own daughters to go through gay conversion therapy. Which, yes, is making me incredibly uncomfortable. I'm trying my best to make it more of a 'product of her time' thing - as in, if she was raising Patty today, she would not be doing this - but still. That's why I'm making it very clear that, as far as Jacqueline and the rest of society is aware, she believes she is doing the right thing for the sake of her daughter.