A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed and said such nice things about us being back in S1 – and this time we're at the Funeral. Not a happy place to be, but I decided that as we all know the dialogue off by heart, (!) I'd mostly focus on the bits we didn't see … as usual massive thanks go to Flossy

-OG-

"What do you mean, dead? How can he be dead?"

"He just is… he's dead"

"What's happened? Oh fuck, fuck …"

Even after the total shit storm of her last few hours she knew it wouldn't be what he was looking for, he'd expect to hear something a bit better than the kind of brain-dead rubbish that someone like Mansfield would come out with, wouldn't he? 'He just is … he's dead? Nice one Molly, what sort of bloody explanation was that? She hadn't spent months listening to him and watching him listen to other people not to know what he expected, but she was having a problem getting her head round any of it. It was hard keeping control when she was only just managing to hold off bawling her bloody eyes out again.

"We was just 'anging, you know, just on the pitch at Upton Park … he was laughing 'n slagging off the Hammers … did I tell you I'm allowed to go in there whenever I want …apparently I'm a war 'ero… according to the bollocks me dad told 'em … " Oh shit her mouth needed to shut up, she was telling him stuff he wouldn't give a shit about "Anyway one minute he was winding me up … 'n then … 'n then … next he was … just … he went down … no warning, nothin' … 'n his face looked all wrong, he kept mu'tering about Geraint, trying to tell me something but I dunno what, couldn't make it out 'n then, well, there was nothin' I could do … sorry"

"Oh Christ Moll … shit… but what the hell are you sorry for? It's not your fault … none of it"

"Innit?"

"No of course it's not …" Flora put her hand on his arm which made him jump, just for a moment he'd totally forgotten she was still in the room, but judging from the appalled expression on her face she'd overheard his side of their conversation, although it would have been extremely hard to miss it, given she was blatantly listening. She was obviously seriously worried as he shook his head, then did his best to frown and smile reassuringly at her at the same time.

Every bit of him wanted to tell Molly to stop beating herself up over something that wasn't her fault. Again. But it would be a waste of his time, he knew she wouldn't listen and he was not about to get into any sort of argument with her over it, there was no point. What he really needed was to find out where she was and find a way of getting himself there so that he could make sure she was alright.

"Are you okay? Where are you?"

"Yeah …why wouldn't I be?" Molly gulped, not telling him where she was and knowing that her stock answer to the question was even more meaningless than usual but couldn't think of what else to say "They said they did everythin' they could … but … you know, by the time he got there, there was nothin' they could do … his mum's on her way so … soon as she gets 'ere I'll get off 'ome, gotta tell them 'n all, they think the bloody world of 'im …" She swallowed hard against the break in her voice "Especially Nan, she loves him to bits" She hastily corrected herself "Did … used to … love him I mean… look, me battery's down to 4% … so " She took another deep breath "I'll call you la'er on, yeah?"

Before he could actually say anything, or more importantly ask where the fuck to find her, the line was dead. She'd disconnected the call and as Charles slowly swiped the "Disconnect" button on his own phone he sat motionless on the side of the bed staring at his phone. Asking himself how the fuck everything could go so badly wrong so quickly. He knew it was something he should be used to, should be able to handle after being deployed four times to a war zone. Four tours of Afghanistan should have taught him something for fuck sake. And there'd been something in the way she'd sounded that had told him a million miles had opened up between the two of them in the space of a few hours, that the last couple of days might just as well not have happened.

"What is it Charles … what's happened?" Flora couldn't wait any longer, the fleeting expression that crossed his face before it closed as he stared at nothing, coupled with what she'd overheard convinced her that something had gone very badly wrong. And as she knew only too well, he wouldn't tell her unless she pushed very hard. It had been years since he'd freely shown any emotion about anything, it was one of the things she hated most about the way the army had changed her son, he'd learned very early on how to hide his feelings behind an impassive expressionless mask, something she was sure had contributed massively to the implosion of his marriage to Rebecca and was something she'd been hoping would change, she'd seen how he looked at Molly and had started mentally crossing her fingers. But the expressionless mask was back on his face, telling her that nothing had changed.

"Come on … please Charles … tell me what's going on, I heard you say … has someone died?" She waited for a few seconds "Come on please … tell me … has something happened to Molly?."

"Yep someone has died but … Molly's okay, she's very upset of course … losing a friend" He winced when he heard himself calling Smurf Molly's friend. It made it sound as if their relationship had been somehow superficial, a relationship between people who might know each other well, and were maybe even fond of one another, whereas whether he liked it or not he knew it had gone one hell of a lot deeper than that. No matter how much he'd hated to admit it, even to himself, there'd been a bond between them which had made him intensely jealous and Molly had known that, but had been incredibly sincere when she'd sworn blind that there was nothing for him to be jealous about and he'd believed her. He'd had no doubts she was telling the truth, although how much of that was because he desperately wanted to believe it, he wouldn't like to say. And now there was this sudden sharp stabbing pain in his chest at the thought that she'd left to go home after being in his bed with him, and had actually gone off to be with Smurf.

"Oh god, well at least it wasn't one of her family" Flora blew out a huge sigh of relief "So … this friend … he wasn't a boyfriend I take it, I mean she wasn't with someone else was she? I thought … you and her …?"

"Indeed … no he wasn't a boyfriend and she wasn't with him, not in the way you mean … Molly hasn't got a boyfriend as such … but they were really very good friends, Smurf was one of my lads … 2 Section as was Molly and they were close, she was with him when it happened, out somewhere in London …"

Charles wiped his hand over his face and then let his arms dangle between his knees and dropped his head forward to look down at the floor without actually seeing anything. There was an appalled gasp from Flora. He knew he ought to be feeling glad for Smurf that he hadn't been alone when whatever it was had happened to him had happened, that the girl they both loved had been with him and that she was probably the last thing he'd seen, but it was difficult. The truth was it was actually downright impossible for him to be objective.

"Oh no, no … oh poor Molly … that poor girl … who's there with her?"

"Not sure … actually I don't think anyone is, and I don't even know where she is, she didn't say … all I can do is wait for her to call back…" Charles did his best to sound as though that wasn't the big deal it actually was, he didn't want his mother going into her got to stop Charlie getting depressed mode again. He wasn't a bit sure how much of that he could stomach without reacting in a way that would mean hurting her feelings, which in turn would lead to martyred expressions and a lot of shoulder shrugging. It was likely to prove too much on top of everything else.

"I'll tell her you're thinking of her when she calls back …okay? Give her your best"

"Give her my love "

He wanted to amend it to "If she calls back" but stopped himself, his mother would only say well you call her then as if it was that easy. And it was only a feeling he'd got after all, Molly hadn't said anything like that, neither of them had even mentioned the possibility, it was highly possible that he was imagining things that weren't even there because he was missing her. A massive overreaction on his part. Anyway, it was out of his hands for the foreseeable, there was nothing he could do at least until she called back and he could find out where she was. Not for the first time he cursed being on the sick list, it rendered him downright fucking useless as far as practical matters were concerned. Smurf had been one of his lads and even without the crushing anxiety gnawing away at him about Molly, his heart was unutterably heavy with unbearable feelings of loss swamping him.

-OG-

That first morning she'd woken to a massive tidal wave of relied flooding through her, her pillow might have been sopping wet with all the tears but she knew it was a dream. She'd only gone and killed off her best mate who was bound to be suffering from a stinking hangover at worst, was bound to have been out on the lash the night before. Except he hadn't. And as reality bit she found herself forced to accept he'd had his last hangover, that Smurf was gone. Dead. And at the same time all her stupid dreams about the boss had fallen to shit.

His mum had been in absolute bits and the uncle who'd come with her had been nearly as bad, although Molly had been bloody grateful to him because him being there meant she could stop being responsible. That she could go home. Telling her lot had been every bit the fucking nightmare she'd thought it'd be, they'd been almost as bad as his mum, well, not quite of course, but no matter what she'd said, they didn't seem to understand that she was not going into a decline, nor was it shock making her say she was okay, she was okay and didn't need anyone keeping an eye on her. She'd been seriously tempted to take her dad up on his offer of a few drinks to remember Smurf by. Any excuse. But knew that getting ratted wasn't going to do much to help, last thing she needed was a shitty hangover on top.

But that first night proved to be the best night's sleep she'd get for a while, since then her nights had been filled with horrible vivid dreams. Night after night for the last couple of weeks she'd been waking up all sweaty and disgusting with her heart racing, with the same bloody voice keep shouting "man down… man down" over and over again, she knew she knew the voice from somewhere, but couldn't remember once she woke up. Couldn't even remember who they were yelling about. Sometimes it was clear as a bell that they were in the middle of the noisy chaos of a bridge in Afghan and it was Smurf bleeding out while she struggled frantically to keep him alive and sometimes it was Charles dying and she didn't know what to do, so just walked away and left him to get on with it. And then she'd wake up in a panic, in the cold sweat of fear. It was her fault, all of it, every last little bit. Charles being lucky to get away with his life, and without losing his leg, but losing the career he loved, the one he'd picked over staying with his wife, staying married and Smurf, dying from a bleed on his brain that had probably been triggered by getting shot. And she'd killed a man, had picked up a gun and shot him in cold blood and none of it would have happened if it hadn't been for her. She'd got herself involved. It really should have been her.

Charles had given up on calling after a couple of days meaning she could stop refusing to take his calls. He'd left a message the last time saying for her to call him whenever she was ready, but what the fuck could she say? Sorry? That wasn't going to cut it was it? Or she could tell the truth, tell him that even though it might have been just sex, he'd been in her head right from when it all went so bleeding wrong and that sleeping with him had made the crush worse instead of making it go away. She half knew that a lot of that was down to knowing she'd blown any chance of there being, well whatever, she didn't even know. All she knew was that she'd fucked it all up.

A few more hours and it'd be time to be in another church. She'd been more times in the last few weeks than ever before in her bloody entire life, only this time there wouldn't be all the happy smiles and a god-awful pink frock falling apart with her hair stapled to her head with a million pins and a shit load of glue so it looked like she'd nicked it off an alien. Full dress uniform this time, something that made her feel just a little bit smarter than she usually did, as well as, if she was being completely honest, a little bit like she was in fancy dress. The little worry about whether it'd still fit, or whether with all the weight she'd lost it would be like that bloody bridesmaid's dress and look like it belonged to someone else, proved to be for nothing. It fitted fine, well apart from being a bit loose round the waist, but it didn't fall down which was a start.

She'd had to say she'd go in the official car with his mum and the other family mourners even though it was going to be incredibly uncomfortable with Candy convinced that Molly was mourning Smurf as the love of her life. Letting her believe in a lie was something Molly knew was wrong, the only other person who'd known the truth was Smurf himself, and he wasn't there to tell anyone. She'd been so bothered about people knowing she had this huge crush on the boss that she'd let them all carry on believing the lie. Yes, she had loved Smurf, but as a mate, nothing more. She hadn't been in love with him, never had been and should have told them loud and clear before any of this, shouldn't have kidded herself that it was her protecting Smurf from the teasing. It wasn't, it was her making excuses, but saying anything now would just hurt his mum.

-OG-

Every morning when I wake

Dear Lord a little prayer I make

She couldn't drag her eyes away from him standing there at the front of the church looking so sad. He looked like he'd lost even more weight since last time she'd seen him, was pale and tired looking and had these dark rings under his eyes as if he hadn't been sleeping properly. As she watched him closely she could see that bloody hard as it was for her to listen to the words, it was a bloody sight harder for him saying them. Even with all that inner strength of his she could see he was hurting. His eyes were fixed on a point a long way over her head so there was no 'danger of him catching her eye, and all she could think was how much she wished she could just see him for a minute, somewhere where she could talk to him, somewhere she could put her arms round him and tell him not to worry.

We are not wholly good or bad

Who live our lives under MilkWood

And thou I know will be the first

To see our best side not our worst

Molly felt tears prickle the backs of her eyes as her memory took her back to a dusty FOB in Afghan with her and Smurf leaving for R&R.

Oh let us see another day

bless us all this night I pray

and to the sun we all will bow

and say goodbye... but just for now

!

She was really having to bite her lip hard to keep from her memories turning her into a watery mess of snot and tears like some of Smurf's friends' girlfriends and wives and mates from school who were openly bawling. The church was filled with the sound of weeping, but she couldn't, she wasn't allowed, not in dress uniform. His Auntie Vera was sobbing really loud, but his mum was dry eyed, managing to hold it together, maybe because she was worried that if she started she wouldn't be able to stop or because she'd been crying so much at home she had no tears left. She was just sad and angry. Bleeding angry with Charles. Not shouty angry, she was all calm and dignified but soon as the service was over, they gave her the flag and she made it plain how much she blamed him, or maybe it was the him that represented the army. Molly didn't know. But she could see that Candy saying giving the army her sons cut him to the quick, her heart bled for him as she remembered him saying about promising to wrap Smurf in cotton wool to keep him safe, and knew it must be really gutting for him. All she could think was how much she wanted to put her arms round him and tell Candy that none of it was his fault. Stupid or what? Candy knew that perfectly well.

He wasn't looking at her, well he was, but not properly, not how he used to before it all went to shit. It felt like he was talking to a little kid, was doing his best to be lovely and say all the right things like if she needed anything she'd only got to ask and all that, how sad it was and was she alright, but it was like he was being polite. That he was saying and doing the right things because he was the boss and it's what you do at funerals. It wasn't a bit like the last time she'd seen him when they hadn't been able to get enough of one another. How could all that just not be there anymore? He didn't even say a lot when she told him about signing up for this stupid short tour, just that it would help her sort out her world and everything in it, whatever the fuck that meant. Although just for a second she did think she saw a tiny glimmer of a reaction in his eyes, but then decided it was probably wishful thinking on her part, because he didn't say a single word about being sorry she was pissing off.

She'd been bloody desperate to be properly busy, to be doing something to stop her head being all over the shop, and had wanted to get away from everyone watching her, waiting for her to fall in a heap. He'd told her it might suit her so she should look at it, and she had, and now she wished she bloody hadn't.

And then that was it, he was walking away and she was watching him walk, or rather limp, out of her life. It was as if being her boss had been all there was between them and she was hit by the thought that it might be the last time she ever talked to him, actually the last time she ever saw him.

-OG-

And then it was over and she was outside with 2 Section feeling a bit bloody shell shocked although no-one noticed because they were all bloody gutted. But as the lads started trying to lighten things up a bit, Molly realised how right Nan had been when she'd said funerals weren't for the dead person, that they didn't care. Funerals were for them left behind so they could start getting their lives back to normal, she'd pulled one of her faces and said it was what the Yanks call closure and that sometimes even they were right. Molly couldn't even begin to think what her normal was going to look like after it was all done and dusted as Fingers declared dramatically that their mission was to get legless as quick as they could, that he knew it was what Smurf would have wanted. Which prompted a deeply worried Kinders to lecture them about appropriate behaviour making them all smirk, and as she covertly scanned the group looking for him, Molly realised she couldn't see Charles anywhere.

"Do you know where the boss is?"

"Gone I think" Brains shrugged, obviously not that interested "He said he was probably giving it a miss, you know, what with his leg … and Smurf's mum being a bit … well … you saw …"

"When … I mean, how long ago did he say he was leaving?"

"I don't know Moll … you were talking to him … didn't he say? And why does it matter anyway?"

She didn't wait to think up some sort of answer and totally missed the expression of dawning comprehension on his face as she stood on tiptoes and began frantically scanning the head of the thinning crowd. He was too bloody tall to be hiding in amongst them anywhere, but he couldn't have gone, she'd have known. Her Charles radar would have told her. She couldn't bear it, she'd planned on having another go at talking to him at the wake, but if it was too late it was her worst nightmare coming true, she might never see him again.

"Boss …" He didn't turn round even though she knew he had to have heard her, he wasn't bleeding deaf and she'd almost yelled in her relief at seeing him still there. His poker straight back was towards her as he made his way to the car waiting to take him wherever he was going, despite losing the boot and him doing his best to disguise it, he was still limping badly, so it was obvious to her that his leg was really hurting "Boss … 'ang on a tick … wait out a second can you?"

He paused for about a lifetime and then looked back over his shoulder at her, his face a studied mask of carefully indifferent curiosity.

"Yup?"

"Don't …"

"Don't what?" His voice was clipped and impatient "Come on spit it out … what is it you want, Molly?"

"You called me Molly …"

"It's your name, isn't it?"

A faint hint of red stained his cheekbones telling her he'd done it without thinking, a mistake and suddenly she knew that whatever he said and whatever tone of voice he used, he was feeling it every bit as much as she was. He was hurting.

"Please Charles … please don't be mad at me … I'm sorry … I thought … I didn't know you wasn't going to the wake 'n I want to… dunno, talk to you I s'pose"

"Really?" He still sounded clipped "I seem to remember we've done that already? We seem to have said everything that needed saying .." He smiled without even the tiniest glimmer of humour reaching his eyes, leaving her wondering where it had all gone. Where was all that easy loving camaraderie they'd had? Okay maybe it had been just sex, but where had their friendship gone? That had been real, hadn't it?

"Not entirely sure I'd be welcome at the wake … pretty sure I wouldn't …" He sounded rueful as he snorted a laugh, probably without realising how hurt he sounded as he focussed his gaze on some point a long way over her head and she wanted to grab his hand and beg him to just look at her "Not exactly popular round here as you may have noticed"

"All that was bleeding unfair … I know she's hurting and looking for someone to blame … but none of it was your fault"

"Thanks" He looked down at her face properly for the first time.

"What for?"

"Caring"

"Course I bloody do" Molly gulped as the expression in his brown eyes softened and there was a feeling of something thawing inside her as he looked at her in the way she thought everyone should be looked at just once in their lives "I'm sorry I fucked everything up … I know I did … it was just … I got it all wrong 'n I'm so sorry" He was still looking at her with the same expression on his face "Nothing's changed … probably shouldn't of said that … me and me big gob … bur, even if … well … even it was just sex …"

"Whoa … stop right there, even if what was just sex? What are you talking about, or are you telling me that's what it was for you?"

"Nah … I… thought you … it was … I dunno, everything was a mess, I felt so bad about Smurf … guilty I s'pose … it was all my fault"

"You know that's not true, don't you?"

"Just seemed like it was … 'n then I signed up for this bloody tour and I shouldn't of, it was just me running away from everything … everyone"

"Me?"

"Nah … from all them waiting for me to fall over in a bloody 'eap"

"And that's not going to happen?"

"That's not gonna 'appen"

"You know it will all be fine, don't you? The tour will be good, and you're going to be … brilliant"

He paused and they stared at each other in silence as the seconds passed with neither of them trying to pretend it was anything but heart-felt longing for each other until he threw his head back and laughed and suddenly Molly felt as if the sun had come out. It wasn't a crush, well alright it was, but it wasn't just a crush and it wasn't just sex either, okay it was sex but she loved him and he was smiling at her with the smile she'd been afraid she'd never see again "You'll be back before you know it, but you have to promise me you'll be careful, that you'll do as you're told and won't take any risks when I'm not there to make sure you're safe…."

"Don't worry I won't, big girl now …that's me" She giggled, wishing they could lose the audience and be on their own somewhere, she was longing to touch him, kiss him, had been ever since she'd clapped eyes on him in the church "You're not gonna get rid of me that easy"

"Ditto …" Molly didn't dare look round to find out what the others were making of their conversation "I'm beginning to find that out … so when are you off?"

"Next week, gotta report day after tomorrow, so no time" Molly shrugged unhappily. He didn't ask why she was telling him there wasn't time, he knew "Unless I go AWOL"

"Not your best idea" He lifted his hand as if he was going to run his thumb over her face before hastily thinking better of it "I said, you'll be back before we know it and it'll give you a chance to miss me"

"Will you write to me …you know, if you got time?"

"I'll make time … but now you'd better piss off before I'm tempted to do something that will give Kinders a coronary" He laughed and looked over to where the lads were avidly watching and then blinked before looking back at her "it looks as if they're waiting for you …"

"You could change yer mind and come with me …" She tried for a wheedling tone in her voice "Go on … for me?"

"Then I really would be tempted to do something that would shock the life out of that lot … go on piss off" He laughed "And try not to drink too much"

"As if" She had another go at wheedling even though she knew perfectly well it wasn't going to get her anywhere "If you was there you could make sure" She batted her eyelashes and waited a second as he looked at her with raised eyebrows "Oh alright … call you la'er on, yeah?"

"Lovely … just make sure you bloody do this time"

"Don't worry I will"

-OG-