17th of January, 2007.
I am so messed up. I just… something is really wrong with me. A huge, freaking mistake. That's all it's ever been. Don't know why I even try to be anything anymore.
They all kept looking me weird. They thought I didn't notice, that I was too stupid or whatever, but I do. I can see how they look at me whenever I talk about him. Look at like I'm crazy. Look at me like my feelings are all wrong. Well, screw them. Screw everything.
It hurts so much. I just, couldn't handle being like this. So much blood. I don't even remember why I did this, I just couldn't think. The pain wouldn't go away. It never will. I took one of my screwdrivers and I just… gosh, I can feel the burning on my forearms now. I don't know why I did it. I guess I thought it would let all the darkness out of me, through the gashes in my flesh. Maybe I needed something else to focus on. It doesn't matter. It's me, so why should it.
I hate who I am. I am disillusioned… and what I know now hurts more than whatever deserved pain I can inflict on me. My purpose is to just be a martyr, a useless wreck to be picked on, punched, kicked and left for dead. I am a freak, that's how I was born. It doesn't matter what I do, the only thing that's special about me is that I am ugly, inside and outside. My feelings are just meant to be hurt, is all.
I thought Sonic showed me a new meaning to life. For a while, I believed what he told me. I was special. I thought I had a hero in me waiting to come out. I felt there was some sort of destiny for me, like fate. I thought my message for the world was that anyone, no matter how bad their situation is, can rise above it. It's dumb, I see that now.
There's no purpose to me other than to suffer. I suffered past the limit last time. Sonic just came here to ease it, but in doing so he created room for me to suffer more. When I met him, he became my whole life. I was pretending to be someone, but really I was only a person when I was next to Sonic. Now that he's dead, I am useless. His death is the death of the façade I built around me. It was a pathetic one anyways.
Good things in my life happen just so the bad ones can hurt more.
…
I wonder what horrible things my friends are thinking about me. Maybe they always hated me, they just tolerated me because Sonic wouldn't let it happen otherwise. Heh, they'd probably never let me into their homes if they saw me for what I truly am. A disjointed, convoluted husk. Even if they don't, I'm sure they're still thinking something is wrong me. They're not wrong. I didn't see them break down multiple times a day. I am definitely not fine. I just… I can't tell what would hurt me more, my so called friends hating me or labeling me as insane and pitying me.
…
Gosh, I wonder what would have happened if I was never born. Maybe people that I thought were evil simply became that because I was born. I don't know who my parents are… but perhaps it is my fault that my mutation made them so bitter. I was born all messed up, and it fucked up everything around me. Maybe Sonic would have lived longer. Sure, they might say that it's because of me that the world was saved, but perhaps my presence alone inspired Eggman or whoever we fought against to conspire to do that. I guess I am a part of butterfly effect phenomenon, and it all goes badly.
I… I just want to die. End this suffering. Do whatever it takes to save the world… from me. I don't want to be the reason someone sacrificed their wellbeing. I just make everyone sad and cold with my crying and just being plain selfish. I don't know what I even thought I would do. Be the world's greatest mechanic?! That's crazy and stupid and such a pipe dream, what sort of idiot would think like that!? The truth is, I don't even know what I'm doing. I'm a lousy pilot, I almost got everyone killed so many times just by flying the plane that was doing just fine before I came along. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
No, I don't know a thing about what a proper mechanic is. I am just a lousy kid, a lousy disabled pile of gratuitous emotions. Perhaps the world thinks it's doing me a favor by keeping the weak and frail like me here, but if it wasn't for that, I'm sure they would be way more competent to save lives that are worth saving, people that can actually make a difference… like he used to.
Sonic… I know you wouldn't want me to do this, but just… I feel so sorry that you devoted your life helping a monstrosity like me. You could have done so much more, if you weren't wasting your time trying to give me a better life. You were the best brother I could have asked for, but you were never the one to use logic, otherwise you would see how better of a hero you would be without me.
It was selfish of me to meddle with your plane and accept your hospitality. I screwed it all up. I am sorry. I am so so sorry. Knuckles, Amy… everyone… I am so sorry that you had to know me. I… I…
…
I should stop writing, figure out what to do now. Maybe there's something to cover up my forearms. Maybe it doesn't matter, if they just see what I've done maybe they'll finally give up on me.
Maybe I just don't want to do anything anymore.