hi people! thank you so much for your comments on the previous chapter, it warms my heart tremendously br /
I hope you're seated for this chapter, it's going to be one hell of a ride.

Chapter 6

The week that followed, Raquel tried to mend her broken heart the best she could. The first few days were hard and she couldn't help but feeling lonely. So to forget her feelings, she lost herself in her books, giving out the excuse that she couldn't lose anymore time and that she still had chapters she needed to learn before the midterms. Ana kept a close eye on her, bringing her food and keeping her company the best she could.

Raquel was determined to not let this breakup affect her semester and she somehow felt obligated to ace her midterms. She needed to know that this breakup hadn't been for nothing. She needed to make sure she was going to make it, she was going to live her dream and that all this work was worth it. The breakup and Hugo's words kept resonating in her mind. She knew it was stupid and that she should have shut them up but she felt the need to prove herself and to show that she was worthy of the goal she was aiming for. Her future job could be and was in fact more important than what had been that relationship.

This time alone also allowed her to make herself a priority. She had jumped for whatever Alicia and her had to taking care of her family after her dad's death to this relationship with Hugo. It had been a way of protecting herself from all the hurt that had come out of these events and of making herself feel better by moving on. But she had forgotten how to live by and for herself. She didn't feel bad about it, it was who she was. She had always been there for others. Now, she wanted to be selfish for once, do what was right for her. She thought she was entitled to it, that she deserved it.

She had kept her breakup discreet, only telling it to Ana when she had spent the first night after the breakup with her. They had eaten ice cream, had watched tv shows and Raquel had left the next day feeling a bit better and ready to face her apartment. The exam's week went over quickly and just as predicted Raquel aced all of them. As they were celebrating the end of the midterms with Ana and some friends at a cafe, she had briefly told them what'd happened between her and Hugo. They all had been supportive and had moved on to another conversation subject quickly to Raquel's relief.

She knew that at some point the news would come to Alicia's ears and on Monday, she found the redhead waiting in the parking lot. Raquel hesitated for a second, wondering if she could take another way to avoid Alicia but when their eyes met she knew it was too late. Busted, she thought, trying to put on a face that would not look too annoyed.

"Hey!" Alicia welcomed her.

"Hey yourself", Raquel answered suspiciously. "Were you waiting for me?"

The redhead smiled and shook her head.

"Not at all. Just having a smoke."

She made a point of showing Raquel her cigarette but the brunette knew she was lying. She had never seen Alicia smoke here. The redhead had her spot closer to the buildings, where she often sat on a bench from which she could observe the students chatting and gathering on the lawn. Raquel hid her disappointment in Alicia's lie and her annoyance, just nodding her head.

"Well then, enjoy your smoke. I gotta go."

She resumed her walk toward the classrooms but she soon heard Alicia's footsteps catching up behind her.

"Raquel, wait." Alicia shouted almost immediately.

"I'm not in the mood for your games, Alicia." Raquel warned, shaking her head but the redhead was already next to her, matching Raquel's speed.

"I heard you and police boy broke up." She said bluntly. Strangely, there wasn't a hint of arrogance in her voice. She had articulated those words as if it was a fact read from a newspaper.

"Yes, and?"

"And nothing. I just wanted to see how you were doing."

Raquel slowed down and turned her head to Alicia. It wasn't like her to care about such things.

"I'm good, thanks." Raquel answered quickly.

She knew it wasn't really convincing but she wasn't interested in giving more to Alicia. Her life was hers only and she didn't want the redhead to have her nose in it. Especially not in her love life.

"You wanna go grab a drink later, talk about it?" Alicia asked, persistent.

This time the question made Raquel stop. For a moment, she wasn't too sure what had just happened. Was Alicia really asking her out? Meeting her eyes, she scoffed at the situation. That girl really had a bad timing.

"No Alicia, I don't want to talk about it. Especially with you. Like I said, I'm good, thanks." Raquel answered trying to stay polite.

She resumed her walk towards the building. She made a move to pull the building door open but Alicia was faster. With one swift move, she flattened her hand on the door, blocking it close.

"Please, Alicia, move." Raquel asked calmly, trying to keep her anger at bay.

"Why not, Raquel? Why won't you talk to me?"

Alicia was holding her ground firmly, her eyes searching for Raquel's when the brunette was occupied trying to find something plausible to say to her.

"And why won't you forget me?" Raquel finally answered with a dry tone.

Stepping into Alicia's comfort zone, she managed to grab a hold of the door and open it. Alicia had let go of all resistance.

"Have a good day, Alicia", Raquel simply said, casting one last long glance at the redhead before disappearing behind the door. Inside, she wondered for a second if she hadn't been to hard on Alicia.

She hoped for hers and Alicia's sake that the situation was clear and that the redhead wouldn't come running after her anymore. She found her seat in the class next to Ana and lost herself in a conversation with her friend until the class begun.

Raquel eased a little bit more when Alicia was nowhere to be seen during her basketball practice. She had not come to watch her, had not tried to talk to her in the locker room and had not waited for her leaned against her car when she got out.

Hence the surprise when she found Alicia waiting for her on the doorstep of her apartment building. It was already dark outside and the only thing Raquel wanted was to eat and go to bed. She knew her needs would not be met anytime soon when she saw the redhead sitting on the granite stairs that led to her flat.

"Joder!", Raquel swore under her breathe at the sight of the redhead.

She seemed perfectly at ease on those stairs, even when one of Raquel's neighbour came out of the building, almost stepping on her. If this grumpy old man couldn't make Alicia move, there was nothing in Raquel's power that would make her leave. Stepping out of her car, Raquel locked it and reluctantly made her way to her building. The redhead stared at her as soon as she noticed Raquel. Her gaze was so intense, Raquel felt like she was naked.

"What are you doing here?" Raquel asked, not hiding her annoyance in her voice

This didn't look good. If Alicia had went into the trouble of waiting for her here, she wasn't going to let go as easily as this morning with the door.

"You know why I'm here." Alicia replied, gazing straight to the brunette's eyes.

"No, actually I don't." Raquel shook her head.

She felt small and uneasy under Alicia's stare. She stomped a little, trying to find a way to stay firm and confident.

"You're a terrible liar" The redhead said, sending a devilish smile her way.

She was amused and proud of the way she had taken Raquel by surprise and more so because she was blocking her way to her door. The brunette rolled her eyes at her.

"Don't take it personally, this is a quality. You have honest eyes, they always betray you."

Oh jeez. What was she playing at? Seeking a way of accessing her door, she knew that it would be impossible without having to be ridiculously close to Alicia. The redhead knew that and smiled.

"You didn't come all the way and waited on my doorstep like a homeless person to talk about my eyes. What the hell do you want, Alicia?" Raquel said, intensity in her voice.

She made an annoyed move with her hand, gesturing Alicia to step aside. To her surprise, the redhead complied.

"You've been avoiding me" Alicia replied bluntly, her breath almost on Raquel's neck. "You barely talked to me since that basketball game, you don't turn around in class anymore to see if I'm here - yeah, I noticed that - and this morning you fled as soon as you could after talking with me. You're avoiding me, right?"

Raquel was so distracted by the accusation that her flimsy hand missed the keyhole. She swore.

"What if I have?" She replied, shrugging not looking at Alicia, her back turned to her.

The door gave in in an hollow sound. Pushing it open, Raquel let herself in. Alicia followed her in the corridor before she could protest.

"You were doing it on purpose?" Alicia asked, obviously surprised.

"Yes, I wanted you to leave me alone, I already told you that."

"Well, look how it turned out for you, eh."

Raquel decided to ignore her comment. The brunette walked down the hallway and took the first flight of stairs. Alicia was still close behind her, fishing for more information.

"Why would you avoid me?" She asked again.

"As you might have noticed, my life hasn't been all pink lately." Raquel answered, feeling the need to give Alicia a bit more. She passed a few doors and stopped in front of her apartment. "And you weren't exactly making it any easier." She added, turning her keys and opening her door.

Without being invited, Alicia entered the flat right after Raquel. The brunette didn't even try to stop her and pushed the door closed at her back. She felt a familiar tingle in her heart, seeing Alicia here in her living room. She had stopped hoping for Alicia to come back so long ago that now that the redhead was here again, she had trouble believing it.

Her heart picked up a more hurried beat and she turned around, trying to distract herself from the situation.

"Not much has changed around here" She heard Alicia muffled.

"How would you know? You never really lived here, anyway." Raquel added to her comment with a bit of an accusing tone.

They had shared some nights here but Alicia's presence usually didn't last. As soon as the first of sunshine shined through the blind, the redhead was out of the door. She had also come around sometimes during the afternoon or for a casual dinner but the redhead never stayed. Despite Raquel's invitation of leaving some stuff here, Alicia had never done it. In some ways, it had made Raquel's life easier when she had left. At least she didn't have any clothes or objects to throw away. It had also made Raquel's life a living hell. She didn't have anything to remember her by.

Alicia threw a glance at Raquel for her comment but the brunette was already looking away, not letting her catch her eyes.

"So, avoiding me, was that a new negotiation technique you were trying out? Something you read in these books?" She asked provocatively, letting her fingers trail on the edge of a bookshelf "Were you trying to emotionally manipulate me into telling you where I was for 8 months?"

Dropping her backpack on the couch, Raquel poured herself a glass of water while Alicia was still scanning the apartment.

"No, Alicia. No tricks. I had enough on my plate already and I just didn't want to see you anymore." Raquel sighed.

She wanted to be clear, to be honest and to be done with this interrogation. The way Alicia was poking at her and pushing her into answering questions made her feel uncomfortable.

"Why that?" Alicia asked, furrowing her eyebrows.

Raquel shook her head and whispered. "Alicia, you should go…"

But the redhead had no intention of letting go.

"The other day, after the game…" Alicia went on. "when I helped you, I thought things were getting easier between us. Better."

Raquel scoffed. "Why? Because we shared a car ride and we talked?"

"Yes. The way we talked and the way you looked at me, it was just like before." Alicia explained "Don't try to deny it, I know you felt it too."

She was right about this. The conversations in the locker room and in the car had been nice. It had been so easy talking to her, arguing, challenging themselves. That's how they had always communicated before, their way of being with each other. It had taken them less than five minutes to find that again.

"But things have changed Alicia." Raquel started, looking at the reflection of the light against the clear water in her glass. "I asked you twice for an explanation that day and got nothing out of it."

"Oh come on, you're really still stuck on that?" Alicia scoffed. "Why does that matter anyway? I'm back. Is that not enough?"

When she met the cold stare of Raquel, her smile died on her lips.

"No, Alicia! That's not enough."

"Then why haven't you find any more clues yet? I thought you wanted to be an inspector." Alicia trailed off, arrogance and superiority in her voice.

Raquel sent a dark look. That was cold, even for her. "This has nothing to do with that, Alicia, and you know it. I shouldn't have to investigate you. After what we had, I believe I have the right to know what was so urgent that you had to…"

"The right? What right?" Alicia cut her off. "We were not girlfriends."

Raquel lifted her head at that word, feeling the cold settling in her core.

"I warned you when we started seeing each other. You knew what you were getting into. You knew what I was like and you're the one who decided to stay. It's not my fault you started to care about me, developing feelings for me…"

Raquel froze. It was the first time she actually heard those words at loud, the first time they materialised in her brain, weighing in. Yes, she had developed feelings for Alicia, yes she cared about the redhead. How could she not? It send a jolt into her body, like an electric shock. Alicia had even known before she had accepted that truth herself.

And now she couldn't believe Alicia was using her own feelings against her. She had always seen them as a strength, something she was proud of ; she have never seen them as a weapon. But in Alicia's mouth they had become a blade and Alicia was stabbing her with it.

"Shut up." Raque managed to get out, closing her eyes shut, refusing to hear anymore of this.

"I didn't owe you anything back then and I still don't owe you anything now…"

"Shut up!" Raquel shouted again louder this time, slamming the glass she was holding against the counter.

It broke into a million pieces and it seemed to be enough to make Alicia stop talking. Her eyes flickered, going from Raquel's face to her hand and it took them both a second to realise what had just happened. Quickly, Alicia stepped towards Raquel, worried that she might have cut herself but before she had time to come any closer the brunette stopped her.

"Don't touch me." She uttered, her voice lower than before but still cold and hostile.

Her eyes were black and her lips were pursed. She checked her hand quickly but the absence of pain told her right away that the glass hadn't cut through her skin. She clenched her fist, her chest still heaving with anger, shocked by the violence of Alicia's words and by her reaction.

Her eyes rose, meeting the confused gaze of Alicia.

"You know what, Alicia, you're right. You don't owe me anything." Raquel whispered with a bitter voice, gathering mindlessly the sharp pieces of glass that were on the counter and putting them in the trash. "Since you're so immune to feelings, it won't be too hard for you to leave my life. I don't want you in it. You're impossible and selfish and you won't let anyone in because you're so scared of being vulnerable."

Something changed in Alicia. A shadow passed on her face but before she had a chance of saying anything, Raquel went on, glad to have her attention.

"There's one thing you were wrong about though. You might have come back and you might have helped me the other day but that doesn't change the fact that I hated you for leaving and I still do." She took a deep breath, trying not let her voice broke down. "You hurt me and you never even bothered apologising."

"Raquel…", Alicia started.

Her words were like venom, stronger and stronger as she escaped from her mouth.

"Do you have any idea of the pain I felt when I went to your flat and I found out that you were gone? I didn't even had a key. Your landlord took pity of me and let me in. There were nothing. Nothing! Not a word, not a single message or note to tell me where you were."

She shivered, remembering this day. The cold white sheets of the bed where she had woken up alone, the short walk to the apartment, the never ending banging on the door and the cold feeling that something had happened. When she had been allowed inside the flat, everything was empty and dark. Alicia had planned her escape days, maybe weeks ahead and she had never told her anything.

Her eyes filled with tears at the memory and she clenched her teeth to not let them run down her cheeks.

"I thought… At first I thought you were just taking a break, that you needed some fresh air. Then, I thought I had done something wrong. That this was all my fault." She explained, not knowing how to stop. She had been saving all this for months and she didn't know if she wanted to keep that for herself anymore. "And I blamed. But not you, no. Never. I cared too much about you for that. I blamed myself. I blamed myself for so long, afraid that I might have said something wrong or held you hand for too long or done something that I didn't even know about…"

She realised that her effort of keeping her tears at bay had been a failure. They had started running down her cheeks and she wiped them off angrily.

"But you did nothing wrong", Alicia finally whispered, her voice soft as a feather.

"How was I supposed to know that?" Raquel replied, accusingly.

Taking her breath and despite her shaky voice, she went on.

"And when my dad died… I needed you. You were the only person I wanted to see and to be with. I wanted you to hold me, to help me get through this and to tell me everything were going to be okay. And you weren't…" Her voice broke again as well as her heart.

The disappointment and the hurt were coming back, stronger than ever. Her hands were shaking and she didn't even know how she was still standing up. Alicia tried to reach for her arm but Raquel pulled away.

"This is what I deserved? Was I nothing to you? Just a good fuck?"

Alicia was shaking no with her head but the brunette didn't let her explain.

"You vanished Alicia. Vanished from the surface of the earth. I called you hundreds of times, I went to your place, I waited for hours, I talked to your neighbours, your landlord, everybody that could have known you. I begged and begged you to talk to me. Nothing."

She felt like Pandora opening the box. There was so much darkness and pain inside of her, all the horrible thoughts she had accumulated over the past year, they were all here, escaping as she poured her heart out to Alicia's stunned and shocked face.

It was probably unfair but it was also too late to back off.

"I thought you were dead." Raquel whispered weakly, feeling her heart cold and broken.

Her cheeks were damp from the tears that were still escaping her eyes. She heard Alicia say her name but she waved her off and took a step back, creating more distance between the two of them.

"So don't you come in here telling me that just because I let you help me the other night, things are better. And don't you dare using my feelings against me when I'm pretty sure you also have feelings for me too. And maybe you won't act on it, and maybe you might have moved on but you being here, I can honestly say that I haven't. I thought I had, I know that I should have and that it's on me. But I can't help thinking that it's on you too."

Her chest was rising and falling rapidly, her breath short and broken. She felt lighter for a second until she rose her lashes and met Alicia's. Then, her heart sunk deeper into her chest as she saw the hurt and the confusion in Alicia's eyes.

She had just released nine months of frustration and anger into her face and neither of them knew what to do or where to go from here. She gripped the countertop so tightly her knuckles turned white in fear of collapsing. Raquel took a deep breath and faced Alicia who was still looking at her with wide eyes.

Raquel recognised the pain and the sorrow in Alicia's gaze. She had been so familiar with these emotions that for a second she felt guilty seeing them on the face of someone she obviously cared about. Her words had been like daggers, piercing through Alicia's shield. Her jaw was tight and her eyes flickered a little as if to keep the tears away. The brunette hadn't thought of what it might do to Alicia. The brunette had been so angry at her for a million reasons that anger and vengeance had took over. She had always seen Alicia as this strong and unstoppable person that she had forgotten just how human she still was.

"I'm gonna go." Alicia breathed.

She didn't need to speak louder for Raquel to heard the pain in her voice. After all the pain she had felt, it was hearing her say those words that truly hurt her. The brunette looked at Alicia, shaking her head as to say "please don't" but she didn't find the strength to actually say those words.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have…" Raquel trailed off but she was cut short by Alicia.

"No, don't apologise. I- I'll leave you alone from now on." Alicia said simply.

In the blink of an eye, the redhead turned around and closed the door behind her.