Hope this light sheds some light on why Alex has been reacting the way she has. She makes some progress in this chapter. Hope you enjoy!
"All right, Noah," Alex says, taking the Nintendo Switch away from Noah and placing it on his end table. "I'm glad you are still able to play, but it's time to sleep now. And I fought with your mom to be able to tell you goodnight first tonight. So, you owe me, since you get the coolest parent first."
Noah smiles. "Today was so fun. It was great seeing you and mom all dressed up, and Casey made me laugh."
Alex smiles, tucking the blanket around him and adjusting the battery-operated lantern sitting nearby so she has more light. "You did great on the snacks. It was a really fun time."
Noah plays with the hem of his baseball comforter, which is already fraying. "When do you think I'll be able to go back to school?"
Noah has always enjoyed school. He gets good marks and has a lot of friends. He is an intelligent boy who looks forward to learning and not having a place to go that will nurture him is already taking a toll.
Alex knows she has to talk to Olivia about schooling him in some way.
"We don't know yet. Everything is still so unknown. I promise as soon as we know you will too. Maybe we can work on doing some school at home. Would you be interested in that?"
Noah nods. "As long as mom doesn't teach me math." He looks around the room and then lowers his voice. "She's terrible."
Alex laughs out loud. A real, genuine laugh that feels good. "I'm not great at it either, pal. But I think Casey is. Maybe she will help."
Sitting there with Noah, Alex feels differently towards him. He seems older, more mature. Like he understands the weight of the world and has taken it on. He's gone from child to adult in mere weeks, been robbed of everything that makes up a childhood.
It's not fair to force a child to grow up due to circumstances, and Alex will always resent the world for doing it to Noah.
She feels immense responsibility towards the boy she just tucked in. She feels a tug on her heart as she bends down and places a kiss to his forehead. Her heart grows even more when he bends up and kisses her cheek in return.
She wants to shed a tear, but doesn't want Noah to see it. She instead she holds it inside and says, "Goodnight, Noah. Have pleasant dreams."
She's in the doorway when she stops dead in her tracks as the next words are spoken – "I love you, mom."
Alex turns back around, gripping the doorframe. It takes several minutes of processing to be sure she heard what she thinks she did. When her brain confirms it to be true, Alex doesn't even try to stop the tears. "I love you too, son. So, so much."
She turns and leaves the room, almost walking straight into Olivia who is waiting her turn to see Noah.
Without a word, Alex launches herself into Olivia's arms and sobs. Olivia is taken aback, and for a moment is concerned that something upset her wife.
Alex pulls away, wiping her tears and smiling. She squeezes Olivia's arms. "He called me mom. He called me mom."
Olivia returns the smile, tear shining in her eyes. "Of course he did. He loves you."
Noah's voice calling Olivia floats out from his bedroom and Olivia kisses Alex, letting her know she will meet her in bed before going into her son's room.
Alex walks out into the kitchen, still trying to collect herself. She feels wonderful, despite everything that is happening.
She's about to head to the bedroom when a movement and a small light on the deck catches her attention. At first she is afraid and considers getting Olivia, but as she approaches the door she discovers it's Casey on the deck sitting on one of the deck chairs.
Casey is doing some soul searching. Going into town – seeing the state of things – made this all real for Casey. She knew things were bad but seeing them with her own eyes and knowing she could do little to change it really affected her.
She had come out onto the deck to reflect, to think about how life really was never going to be the same. She would likely never try a case again, never see the inside of a courtroom. She would never see or speak with her mother again. She lost possessions in her apartment that she will never get back. She will never go to a movie again, or probably never play softball again.
Her thoughts are interrupted by the French door leading to the deck opening. Alex is standing there, her dress traded for a baggy Harvard hoodie and gray sweats. Casey can see traces of sparkles still on her cheeks as she steps onto the deck and closes the door.
"I didn't know you smoked," she says, sitting down in the chair next to her and nodding towards the cigarette she holds in her hand.
Casey shrugs at the cigarette in her hand. "I quit like a thousand times. I haven't touched one in like a year. But I figured now, what the hell. Grabbed a couple packs at the grocery store on the first day. Figured I wouldn't much get another chance."
Alex looks towards the house, as if seeing if the coast is clear. And then she holds her hand out. "Give me a drag."
Casey, surprised, hands the cigarette over and is even more surprised when Alex takes a long drag and lets the smoke out expertly.
She hands the cigarette back to Casey with a grin. "Don't tell anyone."
Casey can't help but laugh. "You're always a surprise."
They sit in silence for a few minutes. Alex leans back in the chair and sighs deeply, staring at the moon. If it wasn't so ominous, so malignant, it would be beautiful. It used to be so beautiful, a sight that Alex always loved to see.
"I used to love to look at it," Alex says. "The moon. I used to think that it was amazing that so many people all over the world were looking at the same one at the very moment."
Casey can't help but notice how reflective Alex seems. Despite the excitement of the day, she seems…sad.
Casey stares back at the moon. "I think they still are. But now I think they are afraid." She hesitates a moment and looks at the wood of the deck. "I know I am."
Alex looks at Casey, a bit taken aback. She's never heard Casey admit she was scared before. She didn't think it was an emotion that the redhead felt. "You never seem afraid."
Casey shrugs. "I hide it well."
Alex leans back and sighs. She puts her hands into the kangaroo pocket of her hoodie. "I should have driven away. I know that," she suddenly says, looking Casey right in the eyes. "But when I saw that gun, I went to a completely terrified place. It's been fifteen years but guns still terrify me. It may sound stupid, and I'm sorry for how I reacted, but I can't help it."
Casey is surprised that Alex is opening up to her. She appreciates it. It can't be easy for Alex to do, given how private she is. She definitely understands fear and how people have different reactions to what they are afraid of.
A gun had basically destroyed Alex's life; actually, it did destroy her life. Casey can imagine how having one pointed at her would send her back to the place of fear and feels badly for ever being upset with her in the first place about it.
She sits forward and nods. "It's okay. I understand. Trauma is a horrible thing and I'm sorry you went through that. I didn't react the best either. I should have shot him. I shouldn't have let him take the car. I could have just injured him enough that he backed off."
"It was an impossible situation and I'm glad we're both okay. It was probably a bad idea to go out but I just…wanted everything to be perfect."
Casey smiles. "I get that. I hope it was."
"It was, thanks to you. Thank you for making it special. You don't know how much it's appreciated…" she trails off. "And for backing me up. I'm going to tell Liv what really happened, but I really appreciate you sparing her of the details tonight."
Casey is staring off into the distance and she flicks more ash over the deck. The moon gives off more light at night than it used to, and Alex can see Casey pretty clearly. She can tell she has a lot on her mind, is bothered by something.
"You're still thinking about it, aren't you? What happened with the car."
Casey looks back at her, her expression serious. "I'm just disappointed in myself, that's all. I could have done more." She sits back. "But let's forget about it for now."
Alex doesn't know how to respond to that, so she doesn't. She decides to stick to the script she wrote and rehearsed in her head. An apology from her always requires a lot of effort.
"Listen," she says, sitting forward. "I owe you an apology. For a lot of things."
"Don't worry about it," Casey says. She's uncomfortable in these situations and wasn't expecting to get an apology from the blonde. It caught her off guard, and she doesn't like to be unprepared.
"I am worried about it. I've kind of been taking my stress out on you since this whole thing started. I never even thanked you for paying and for helping us get supplies on that first day. You're so good with Noah. He enjoys having you around. Olivia has trusted you from the start, and I wish I did. I'm sorry I've been less than welcoming of you and that I've been out of line and harsh. I truly apologize, and going forward, I'm going to give you the respect you deserve. I hope you can forgive me. I hope we can be friends."
It was quite the mouthful. Casey is sure that Olivia has something to do with Alex apologizing, but even so, she can tell it's genuine. She knows when someone is lying, and Alex definitely isn't.
Casey takes another drag, as if she needs the cigarette to build up her courage. She flicks some ashes over the deck railing and turns back to Alex. "No apology necessary. It's a really hard time right now. I understand. And even though your apology isn't necessary, I accept it. Thank you."
Alex smiles, truly satisfied that the talk went so well. She always feels like a weight has been lifted when she talks something through with someone instead of keeping it inside.
"I owe you one too, really," Casey says, an amused expression on her face. "I wasn't easy to work with; I know that. I made things unnecessarily hard for you sometimes. I just can't admit when I'm wrong in a professional capacity. I've always thought highly of myself in my position and my arrogance used to get my ass in trouble." She laughs lightly. "You should have made me sit in jail for the night instead of bailing me out. Would have served me right."
Alex is confused for a moment before her mind goes back to the last time they both worked, when she bailed Casey out of contempt of court. She laughs as well. "It actually crossed my mind. But you know what? Two strong, intelligent women working together – both on high horses and stubborn as hell – we were bound to butt heads."
"I miss it," Casey admits, blowing smoke out and watching it billow in front of her. "Work, I mean. I'm having a hard time accepting that this is my life now. I feel…useless. Like I'm meant to be doing something other than sitting around all day."
Alex feels the same way. "It's going to take awhile to acclimate. I'm going to be optimistic that things are going to get better. It's really all we can do. I know I'm having a hard time adjusting. I'm out of my anxiety meds and that doesn't make things easier."
Casey had heard on a radio report that most pharmacies had closed but that the hospital is able to dispense certain medications for the time being. "We may be able to get you some meds. It's not good to go off those kinds of medications. Trust me, I know. I was on them during my…suspension."
Alex smiles, touched that Casey would be concerned. "It's been low on my priority list. But I'm really glad we talked."
Casey takes another long drag of the cigarette and offers it to Alex again. She takes it once more and takes a smoke, and then hands it back. It's unspoken between them, but that was their peace offering, and they both knew it.
Alex gets up, shaking herself off. "It's cold as hell. Don't stay out here too long."
Casey listens to the sound of the French door closing and lets her mind wander again. She feels better after their talk. She feels like the tension will be gone between them and she can relax somewhat.
But she won't be going inside anytime soon. There is too much to think about.
2.
Alex has always had trouble sleeping if there is any type of light in the room. She's always used blackout curtains in her bedroom and avoided any type of digital clock or anything else with a bright display. If there was any type of light, it meant reslessness.
What she wouldn't give for light now. The moon illuminates the night so much more than it used to but it does nothing to make getting ready for bed with no electricity easier. Alex thinks she has become the world's professional at balancing her iPhone between her neck and shoulder as she dresses and undresses in a very short period of time.
Olivia has just come out of their adjoining bathroom, drying her hands on her pajama pants. "I miss hot water. Really, really miss it."
Alex cringes at the thought of taking a shower and having cold water assault her body. "At least we have running water?"
Olivia raises an eyebrow. "I appreciate the optimism, babe – and yes, I share the sentiment – but I'm still going to complain everyday about not being able to take a hot shower."
Alex places her phone on the nightstand. The battery is almost dead; she hadn't charged it when they had electricity earlier in the day.
She settles down onto the bed and when Olivia joins her she takes her usual spot lying on her chest. Olivia starts to draw circles on her arm. "Today was great. I know we were already married, but…it felt like a good celebration anyway. I'm glad we did it."
Alex nuzzles down into her. Olivia's arms are her favorite place in the world. Nowhere else does she feel safer than with her. Olivia's strong arms – her strong touch and hold – anchor her to the moment no matter what she is facing.
"I'm so glad to be your wife," Olivia rasps, kissing behind Alex's ear. The intimate gesture makes a shiver go through Alex. "You looked amazing tonight."
Alex rolls over so she's now facing Olivia and reaches out to stroke her soft cheek. "I'm glad to be your wife too. You looked ravishing. I just wish we could have shared it with more people."
Not seeing the people that she cares about is taking a toll on Alex. She wonders everyday about those they haven't heard from in weeks. How is Elliot's family? Are Finn and Amanda still planning to go north together to his son? She wonders about her staff, her ADAs, and simple acquaintances she saw daily. Would she ever see them again? She had no way of knowing who survived and who didn't.
And that is one of the hardest things for her to accept.
"Noah called me mom," Alex reflects.
A tear rolls down her cheek at the memory, only twenty minutes ago. Her heart was still swelling with joy and pride. She had never experienced a more truly life changing moment in her life. Marrying Olivia had filled her with love and belonging; but knowing she now had a son filled her with pride and purpose.
Olivia starts to cry as well. "He's always loved you, Alex. As much as I do." She wraps her arms around the blonde, and within seconds the water works turn on full force. She holds her wife as she sobs with joy and sadness at the same time.
"I'm his mother too," Alex sobs. "And I can't change this awful world for him. How is he going to grow up here? How is he going to have any type of future?" She takes a breath. "I should be able to provide for my son. I should buy him his first car, help him get ready for his first date and prom, be there for every happy moment of his life. But what happy moments is he going to have? What are any of us going to have? What can I do to protect him?"
Olivia sighs. She holds Alex and rubs her back soothingly, letting her cry herself out. She knows her wife well enough to know that when she's letting her emotions out it's important to let her release them all.
Her tears subside a little, and she wipes her eyes with the back of her hand before settling back into Olivia's chest. "Out there is…exactly what you said. I didn't believe it before. Not that I thought you would ever lie, but because there was no way things could have turned so bad so quickly and be so bleak. But when I went out with Casey – it was the scariest thing I'd ever seen. I've never seen the city so deserted, so desolate, so…dead. And I – " She sucks in a breath. "I wasn't going to tell you, but I can't end this night on a lie. I lied to you about what happened with the car."
Olivia squeezes Alex hard, fear going through her body. There are so many possibilities – so many awful things Alex could tell her. She doesn't speak, but her grip on Alex tells her wife that she's prepared to hear whatever she needs to tell her.
"Casey tried to get me to leave. She really did. She didn't want to go in the first place; it was my idea. We went into this little store and there was practically nothing left. The owner was telling us terrible things, things I didn't want to believe let alone hear. We went back to the car, and a man pounded on the window and held a gun to it."
Olivia finally breaks her silence. She sits up, absolutely terrified. "Alex! No!"
Alex shakes her head and pulls herself into a sitting position, her back resting against the head rest. "I'm sorry, Liv." She pulls her knees to her chest, feeling an old familiar constricting feeling growing in her chest. A panic she hasn't felt in a long time. "I let him take the car. I shouldn't have. Casey was going to shoot him, but I was afraid and I let him take the car."
Without another word Olivia throws her arms around Alex. She forces her knees down and pulls her close, Alex wrapping her arms securely around the brunette.
"Alex. Oh, Alex…baby, I am so sorry that happened to you." Her voice is sad, but Alex picks up on a hint of anger as well. Not directed at her but directed at the situation. "I never wanted you to see how bad things have gotten. And who cares about the car? It's a car, Alex. You can't be replaced. I don't care at all that we lost it. You are alive, and that's all I care about."
Olivia can sense that Alex is on the verge of having a panic attack. It's been years since she has had to talk her down from one. Alex's breathing is quick and erratic, and Olivia places her ear over her chest.
"Relax, baby. Deep breaths. Hear my heartbeat? Feel me breathing? Breath like me. I'm here – you're okay. Just focus."
Alex tries to slow her breathing. She concentrates on nothing but the heartbeat below her ear; the heartbeat of the woman she loves. It's strong and mesmerizing. Olivia strokes her hair, talking softly and reassuringly to her. Alex keeps listening to her heartbeat, trying to mimic her slow, steady breathing.
And, eventually, she calms down completely. Her breath has slowed and the awful constricting in her chest has gone away. She closes her eyes, willing it not to come back.
"There you are," Olivia says, giving her lips a long, much needed kiss. "You did great. I love you, Alex."
Alex squeezes her eyes closed again. "I love you."
Olivia reaches down and takes Alex's hand, gripping it tightly. "I want you to listen to me. And really listen. I can't claim to know what's ahead for us or this world. I can't say where any of us will be a week, month, or year from now. I don't know if Noah will ever have a car, or go to prom, or have a girlfriend. I can only hope for those things, and more. I can only hope for a kind world for our son to grow up in. All we have now is hope, and the moment. If we have learned anything these past weeks it's surely that."
Another tear slides down Alex's cheek as she listens to her wife.
"You worry about providing for Noah? Alex, you never have to worry about that. Money and material things don't matter anymore. In fact, everything that has happened has proved they never did. What you can provide for Noah is what he needs most – love, support, trust and belief that he has a bright future."
Those words are exactly what Alex needed to hear. She takes them into her heart and is determined to keep them there, Olivia's words playing in a loop in her head for when she needs to hear them most.
"Thank you, Liv. Thank you so much for loving me."
Olivia smiles. "Alex, it's so easy to love you. The world is in shambles right now, but we have each other. We will always have each other. We have each other, and Noah, and even Casey. We must all look out for each other and protect each other. We're a family, Alex, and sometimes family isn't what you'd expect. But it's always – always – what you need."
Alex falls asleep some time later, nestled in Olivia's arms. She had said exactly what her heart and soul had needed to hear and for the first time in a long time, she feels that things may be okay after all.
3.
A couple weeks after the wedding celebration, Olivia and Casey both get sick with a bad flu- within hours of each other.
It was a pretty terrible few days for Alex, who spent the time she wasn't with Noah taking care of both Olivia and Casey. Both had such high fevers they became delirious, and though Casey seemed to come out of it sooner than Olivia did, she couldn't stop vomiting.
By the fourth day Alex was literally thanking out loud that she and Noah had managed to avoid getting sick. She has made Noah talk to Olivia and Casey from their doorways, not wanting to chance him getting too close. She has no choice but to get close but she's going to do everything to protect Noah.
They have electricity for a little over an hour on the fifth day and Alex manages to heat up some soup. Neither Casey or Olivia have eaten and she knows they need to in order to build up their strength.
She walks into her bedroom slowly with a bowl for Olivia, smiling when she sees the brunette sitting up in bed. She very carefully hands her the bowl, and then sits in bed beside her.
"How you feeling?" she asks, and then gets an answer when she plants a kiss to the back of Olivia's neck and it isn't burning up.
"Nausea is gone. But I'm still pretty weak. You and Noah still okay?"
"We're good. Having the time of our lives without you."
Olivia playfully smacks Alex's arm. "Can't wait to actually hug him again."
"You aren't touching him until you are fever free for two days," Alex says sternly, and Olivia makes a face at her. "Listen here, wife. I've had to do unspeakable things since you guys have been sick. So I don't want any trouble from you. I've cleaned vomit out of both of your hair. Our relationships will never be the same."
Olivia laughs as Alex smooths her hair back as she begins to tentatively take a bite of her soup. "How's Casey?"
"She's still pretty rough. Had to change the sheets for her yesterday and let me tell you, that's definitely something I would have made you do. Consider yourself lucky. For a softball player she has terrible aim."
Olivia makes a sympathetic face. "Well don't give her your cooking or it will be ten times worse."
This time Alex smacks Olivia.
"I've basically been taking care of three children, and right now she's my favorite child. Noah doesn't like my food, and you're mean to me."
Olivia laughs. "I'm sorry, baby. You're doing a wonderful job. And spending quality time with our son."
Alex smiles, watching Olivia very slowly eat. She's glad to see it; she needs the strength. "We've been playing games. Went outside for a bit yesterday because it wasn't quite so cold. Watched a few movies I had saved on my iPad when I was able to charge it."
Suddenly a voice interrupts them from the doorway. "Hey, Liv. Wanted to see how you're doing?"
Alex and Olivia immediately look up to see Casey in the doorway. She's very pale and has a blanket wrapped around her, and very apparently shouldn't be out of bed.
Alex sighs and stands up. "Back to bed. You shouldn't be up."
Olivia starts to laugh and goes into a coughing fit. Alex smacks her back a few times and once she recovers she resumes laughing.
Alex glares at her. "It's not funny, Liv. Don't encourage her." She turns her attention back to Casey. "You - back to bed."
Casey starts to argue, but Alex uses her court voice. "Now, Casey."
That authoritative voice never fails to get a response. Casey immediately disappears from the doorway, and Olivia laughs again.
Alex rolls her eyes and gets up off the bed. "No longer my favorite child."
"Oh, honey," Olivia says, taking her hand. "You're just wonderful, putting up with us. I really need a shower."
Olivia has eaten half the bowl of soup, which is satisfactory to Alex. She sits it on the nightstand and attempts to stand.
Alex looks at her as if she spouted a second head. "Are you really going to try to get up? After you saw what happened to Casey?"
Olivia freezes dead in her tracks. Those ocean blue eyes are staring into hers - staring into her soul - and Alex's demeanor is the same as she uses to dominate a courtroom.
She means business. Olivia covers herself back up, accepting defeat.
"Give it one more day so you don't relapse. I'll help you shower tomorrow."
A noise comes from out in the hallway, and Alex immediately goes to look. "Damn it, Casey! What did I tell you?"
Olivia can't help but smirk, and when Alex steps back into the room she rushes out, "Don't even laugh, Liv. You two are going to drive me insane."
Olivia has never been more amused than she is at this moment. She hears Alex talking to Casey in the hallway, hears her no nonsense tone again and then the guest room door close. Then she hears footsteps down the hall and her wife pops her head in the room again. "By the way - Noah is my favorite child. Just so you know."
She disappears from sight and Olivia leans back against the pillow, a content smile on her face.
The world may be falling apart, but she will take these small moments whenever she can.
Please leave a review! Next chapter will start seeing some action and there will be a character death.