Tuesday 6th, August, 96

Well...that went excellent.

Truth be told, I could've probably run away easily. Who would've guessed that being constantly on the brink of death for 9 years would make you do some cardio?

But...I guess I wanted to talk to her?

Great idea wanker. What did you think was going to happen? "Oh, gosh! I really want to hang out with my childhood friend. We're gonna have SUCH a good time! I am SURE she'll love to reconnect with a MURDER! I'm sure he's DESERVES to enjoy himself even after ALL that he'd caused!"

...

It would be better if she never came. I got used to this. To the fact that I don't deserve a second chance until I redeem myself.

But she had to come here and make me remember...what used to be.

And now she'll most likely look into what happened to Him. And I'll lose her forever.

Just like Mum, like Betty, like Sammy, like Scott,...like Evan.

But I guess that's how it's supposed to be. I am meant to be alone.

I deserve that.

...

I remember few months after we became friends, Scott asked me if I went to therapy. I don't know why he asked. Maybe he figured out who I really am, or maybe I just seem glum. I haven't been in one since I was 12. Back then the doctor said to write in a journal, they'd then check it every visit and talk about what I wrote.

Now writing in the bloody book is the only way I can get some of the shit I found out of my head.

And there's LOADS of shit in my noggin. If any therapist listened to me, they'd either win the Nobel prize for diagnosing me or just put me in a loony bin.

In reality, I could probably go to one. Could pretend I was a college student at a campus and get some of the shit off my chest.

.

But there are few problems. I try to keep a low profile, trying to distance myself from my previous life. I did everything I could, moving, name change, distance from EVERYONE, be it a co-worker or simply a customer.

But the more pressing issue is...I don't deserve help. Not after what I've done. I won't deserve anything...until I can redeem myself and free THEM first.

And especially Evan.

...I'm not sure if your powers work like the ones in the telly (I mean you are quite a handful with the teleporting and hallucination)

but if you're somehow reading this...

I'm so sorry Evan. So very, very sorry. It was wrong for me to take out everything on you. I won't even try to explain myself. You also lost Mum. I should've been helping you to grieve! I should've let you cry out the tear! I should've understood that Fredbear's reminded too much of her! I was supposed to protect you! Instead...I lashed out at you. I tormented you, with that GODDAMN Foxy mask! I made you fear and hate the place you used to love! I locked you, a nine-year in the service room, all alone for hours! Ignoring you begging me to let you out! And then I...and on your birthday no less! And to think I dared to be spared... instead others we're hurt because of me. And then Betty was hurt because of me!

I'm sorry, I'm so very sorry. I know you'll never forgive me! If I could I would go to that day and beat the shit out of the ones who did this to you! Especially me! There's no torture that could be worse than what I want to do to that arrogant, petty, shit-brained teen that did this to you! I'm so sorry! SO VERY SORRY! I WISH IT WOULD BE ME INSTEAD OF YOU! I WISH I WAS THE ONE STUCK IN THAT HELLHOLE INSTEAD OF YOU! I KNOW YOU WILL NEVER, EVEN IF I TRIED MY BEST (OR THE BEST THAT MY WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT SELF CAN DO!). BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT

I LOVE YOU, LITTLE BROTHER! I'LL ALWAYS WILL.

I'M So Sorry

So Sorry

so Sorry

so sorry

sorry

.

.

Wednesday 7th, August, 96

Well, looks like the emotional/mental meltdown made me collapse yesterday.

I'm gonna have to shred the last entry. Not because of the meltdown of course.

I don't care about that. It's just that I don't want to mention Him in case anyone reads this.

I'll do it later though, it's 11 in the morning right now, I way overslept.

I'll do it after work.

Today I'll have to be a cunt to her. I don't want to but I don't want her to get hurt, to fall down too deep into this mad rabbit hole.

There's enough crazy for one of us.

Anyway, it's time for me shift in about 2 hours. I'll head out now for some grub. I think I can get some at a gas station.