Author's notes: Here it is, the beginning of the end. And we're multimedia now lool
chapter vi
That fateful morning, Remus woke up sore, which left him confused for about ten seconds. Then he remembered what happened, of course. He laid on his stomach with his back exposed; it felt awfully chilly. The grogginess of his mind downplayed the situation, sure he had sex with Sirius. What about it?
He had sex with Sirius in this very bed… And he couldn't remember the moment he had fallen asleep. Had Sirius been there?
Remus opened an eye to peek through the room. The other side of the bed was noticeably empty, as well as the room. He stretched out and wondered where he had gone. Sure, he couldn't expect Sirius to fall asleep by his side, even though the thought didn't seem all that bad.
He thought back to it. It was glorious; he had to admit. At least Remus' last shag wasn't going to be with Gideon. Funnily enough, Gideon rarely went through his mind nowadays. He only came as a problem attached to Sirius, Remus didn't go hours on end thinking about their relationship anymore. He was indifferent to it now, even though he would love to punch that prick square in the jaw.
It was always about Sirius now. Was this Remus going mental?
Either way, he smiled at himself while gazing at the other side of the bed. There was a glint of sadness to it, since he hadn't woken up to those icy blue eyes, but he wasn't asking for much.
Remus' mood worsened when he remembered that this was supposed to be the day he went back home. He didn't like being a liability to James and Lily, but it would feel incredibly strange to just leave Sirius. It didn't feel as though it was right to be over, there should have been something more than that, a simple shag.
Remus couldn't say if those feelings came from an apocalypse's euphoria that had taken over him, but it didn't really matter anymore. There was no time to be lost on dwelling, perhaps he should live in the moment and let the euphoria take him.
Sirius deserved better than him, though. Sirius didn't need him either, he had people who he actually cared about now, he didn't need Remus anymore. He probably didn't mean anything to him, just one last shag and that's all.
Remus soon realised he would spend his last few days pathetically thinking about someone who didn't think twice about him.
He died as he lived: pathetically.
He would appreciate the last few moments he got with those people. After that he'd be back to his lonely existence, that's alright.
Remus got up from the bed and showered. The hot water stung against his skin, but he found it to be comforting. It reminded him of how Sirius' mouth felt all over him, the ghost of his lips still in his memory. Remus could feel his body responding to the vivid memories he ran through his mind until it was too late to turn back.
Was it rude to get himself off in someone else's bathroom? Yes. Definitely. Would anyone else probably use this very same shower ever again? Not really. So he went ahead and did it.
He had to bite his tongue so as to not murmur Sirius' name as he came in his hand.
After stepping out of the shower, Remus was confronted with his reflection in the mirror. Love bites were scattered throughout his neck and jaw, a reminder that it had all been real. It struck him as a bit juvenile to leave marks behind, but it was just so Sirius that he couldn't even feel bothered by it.
He didn't know what to expect when going down the stairs that morning. The house was quiet; the rooms, a mess. Remus walked through them hoping to find someone. Half-empty cups were scattered around, the furniture as all out of place. There were crumbs of food on tables.
The sudden sound of laughter was the only thing that told him there was someone inside. He followed it and ended up in the kitchen doorway, where he saw James, Lily, Harry, and Sirius all having breakfast. No one noticed he stood there, so they continued with what they were doing.
"I swear, Wormtail can be so rude! What is it with him, Prongs? You should keep him on a tighter leash..." Sirius advised jokingly while spreading jam on a piece of bread.
"I don't know if you recall, but I already have a son," James answered with a mouthful.
"You two were always a bit mean to him," Lily interjected, taking a pause from making Harry a sandwich. "Maybe he's finally taking it out on you."
"On me, that is," said Sirius. "He's in love with Prongs. I'd watch out if I were you," he grinned in Lily's direction, she only rolled her eyes while a smile played on her lips.
Remus felt a bit creepy watching them, so he decided to take a step forward and enter the kitchen.
"Uh, hi." He waved awkwardly, "Good morning."
He didn't really know what to do with himself. He would definitely not look at Sirius.
"Remus! Good morning," James greeted excitedly. His good-humoured nature was a treat.
"Hello," Lily said with a smile. "Please, take a seat."
Sirius muttered a greeting with a mouthful, Remus only glanced at him for a second before looking away. He felt stiff and awkward. The situation reminded him of being a teenager, weirdly enough.
Silence hung in the air, Remus could see James was smiling about something. Lily was better at hiding whatever she knew. Well, it was obvious what they were aware of. Sirius, though, acted as if absolutely nothing had happened.
"So," said James loudly, "Remus—"
"—Sirius was just telling us Peter was rude to you yesterday, is that so?" Lily cut in. Remus felt his cheeks go slightly red at the thought of what James would have mentioned.
"Uh, sort of,—I mean, it was okay. No hard feelings," he answered.
"He gets jealous," said James, jokingly. He wasn't very good at hiding his emotions, as there was a clear motive behind his words.
"Imagine what he felt when you two got married..." said Sirius.
"He felt very happy, I'm sure," Lily said while serving Harry another spoonful.
Sirius laughed, "Maybe on the outside. On the inside… he was still reliving that fateful day in sixth year where his lips touched Prongs', and—"
"Stop it!" James cut in, reaching over the table to put his hands on top of Harry's ears, "Harry doesn't need to know about that."
It only made Sirius laugh harder. Remus' interest was piqued, but he wasn't about to ask anything. He risked a glance at Sirius and instantly regretted it, his cheeks were flushed from laughter and his lips red. Remus swore he saw a glint of purple on his neck that was quickly covered by the fabric of his shirt. He felt hot all over.
"I was just stating facts..." Sirius raised his hands in surrender. "Just so you know," he unexpectedly turned to Remus, who was embarrassingly caught staring, "Prongs and Wormtail didn't have a love affair. They did, however, share a beautiful peck on the lips during a drinking game."
Remus nodded, "Oh. Right."
"Daddy, you kissed Uncle Wormy?" Harry asked while looking up with the big green eyes he got from his mother.
"No, Harry. I have never done such a thing," James answered.
"Your father is lying," Sirius said mischievously.
Harry looked between his dad and his godfather, unsure of what to think. He really was adorable.
"Is it true?" Harry asked, soft-spoken while staring at James.
James breathed out in defeat, "yes, it's technically true, Harry. It's just a thing friends do, nothing more. I love your mum very much."
"Good. I couldn't have you leaving me for Peter, of all people," Lily said.
"Happy, Sirius?" James turned to him and asked, slightly annoyed.
Sirius beamed at him, "don't pretend you didn't love it."
"I washed my mouth right after that," James defended himself.
"I hope you didn't do that after our searing kiss," said Sirius with puckered lips.
"Oh, I never washed my mouth after that one. I don't even let Lily kiss me anymore."
"Is Uncle Padfoot friends with him, too?" Harry pointed at Remus, who suddenly felt awfully exposed.
"Yes, Harry, I am," answered Sirius.
"So you kissed him, too?"
Remus' eyes went wide, and he felt himself begin to sweat. Sirius wouldn't have seemed bothered hadn't his smile faltered for a second.
"It's what friends do, isn't it?" Sirius asked with a serene smile, only glancing at Remus for a split second.
Remus was sure he was beet-red by that point and looked down to play with his food, avoiding any knowing glance from James or Lily.
"Harry will start thinking it's normal to do that," James observed to break the silence.
"It is normal!" said Sirius. "You're just jealous 'cause you wish it could happen again..." he teased with puckered lips.
"Oh, I cry every day because of it," James responded sarcastically
After that, breakfast went down an easier path. Sirius never acknowledged their… encounter. Not that Remus expected him to address it at the table, but there were no poignant looks, a brush of hands, or anything.
He couldn't tell whether he felt relieved or a little sad about it.
Actually, he wanted to feel relieved but was afraid the option had been thrown out the window a long time ago.
It was no good to get attached with so little time left; he had to go before all of his thoughts got consumed by Sirius, and Sirius' hands, Sirius' lips, Sirius' tattoos, Sirius' smile, Sirius' hair, Sirius'—
Oh, God. He was losing his mind again.
After breakfast, Remus took advantage of the fact that Sirius seemed keen on spending time with his godson at the back garden and excused himself to his room. He quietly gathered all of his stuff, which was pretty much only the clothes he had arrived in.
Looking around, he knew his body didn't feel ready to leave the house yet. It had such a calming and cosy atmosphere with such loving people, he could see why Sirius travelled with a stranger to get there.
Remus certainly couldn't glance at the bed without thinking of the sounds Sirius made while on top of him the previous night. It was distracting, to say the least. Still, it only reminded him of why he was gathering his stuff in the first place.
His gaze travelled towards the window, from where he could see Sirius and his five-year-old godson playing football. It was lovely, he would let Harry score all the goals and purposefully miss every time he kicked towards the goal. He would smile wide every time Harry cheered after scoring.
Remus had to tear his eyes away from them to remind himself of what he was supposed to be doing.
He put his clothes back on, including the trusty purple jumper that he felt like burning once he got home. Looking in the mirror, it felt as if he had gone back to square one.
After tidying everything up,—after all, his mum taught him better,—Remus went back to find the others. They were all outside having a good time. It looked like a normal day. He wished he could live like this.
"Oh, Remus, come over!" Lily waved after spotting him lurking from inside the house. "James made some muf—"
"Actually, I was leaving," he cut in ruder than he would have liked while shifting where he stood against the doorframe. "Sorry," he added.
"Oh," she said, crestfallen.
"What is it?" James approached her with a worried expression.
"Nothing, I—I just told her I was leaving… You have done enough for me, I don't want to cause any trouble."
Thankfully, Sirius was still playing with Harry in the background, completely oblivious to the scene taking place right in front of him.
"Trouble?" James repeated. "You're no trouble, you barely got here—"
"N—no, I should go, really. I'm sorry for being so sudden about it..." His approach to this was definitely flawed, but it was necessary.
"Well, it's fine if you want to… I'll go get Sirius." Lily turned around before Remus could intervene.
Remus didn't want to talk to him again. It would only make it harder.
"He's going to be upset by it," James observed while looking over his shoulder.
Remus looked down, wondering the implications of what had been said and hating himself for it. "It isn't my intention, I just..."
"Have to leave?" James asked. He clearly knew better.
"Yeah," he nodded.
As he looked up, he saw Sirius approaching with knitted eyebrows. The ghost of his smile on his lips had disappeared instantly.
"Moony, you're leaving?" he stepped in closer than where Lily and James had stood. "Why?"
Remus didn't want to meet his eyes but did it anyway, "You know why..." he said in a low tone before he could stop himself.
He saw a flash of doubt cross Sirius' eyes as he took a step back and visibly swallowed, "Uh, yeah, yeah. Gideon. Right."
Seconds dragged like minutes while they looked at each other, the air around them becoming cold. That hadn't been what Remus meant, but Sirius didn't need to know it. The fact that James and Lily were observing all of it only made it more awkward.
Remus nodded weakly as an excuse to stop staring at Sirius, "Yeah."
"I'll help you," Sirius said louder. "Like I promised."
That was exactly what he had feared.
"No… you don't have to, It's okay," said Remus.
"It's the least I can do."
Remus exhaled deeply, "Sirius, I don't know how to tell you this but there's nothing you could do."
Sirius stopped to think for a couple of seconds, "Are you sure?" he asked while biting his lip worryingly.
"Yes."
"Okay," he answered softly.
Things were definitely stiff between them, but there was nothing else to do. James and Lily sensed a weird thing going on between them and steered clear, thank God. No one else said anything about him staying anymore, having all accepted the situation.
They were kind, but Remus knew it wasn't, well, sincere. They didn't want him to stay there, of course.
The walk towards the front gates was a little awkward, Sirius walked by his side while James, Lily and Harry followed behind. Remus didn't know what to say to him, he wanted to say something, but words failed him.
Sirius went ahead to open the gate while Remus stayed behind next to the door to say his last goodbyes to the kind family that had let him in without a second glance.
He smiled a little awkwardly at them. James waited until Sirius wasn't able to hear them anymore to look at Remus with a serious expression he had yet to see coming from the man. It took him aback.
"Are you sure about this?" he asked.
"Yes, you've been too kind, I—"
"I'm not talking about that," James cut in.
"Oh?" Remus reacted.
"I'm not blind, y'know?" A faint smirk played on his lips. He could see why this was Sirius' best friend. "He never had anyone. Not really."
Remus furrowed his brows, "really?"
It felt like a lie. How could someone as amazing as Sirius never had anyone? Surely he had a long line of suitors at his feet.
"He's a romantic," James shrugged. "But it's his last chance,—and yours too. Maybe you could stay. We'd be happy if you did, you two deserve to—"
"No, I—I can't stay."
Unexpectedly, James didn't push the subject any further and only sighed. "Okay, if that's what you want."
He nodded and said his last goodbyes to Remus, who also got to say farewell to Lily and Harry. Sirius was waiting for him by the gate.
Once he reached the gate, it all became real. It dawned on him that would be the last time he ever saw Sirius, which made it hard to stare back at him. Yet, Remus knew that leaving was the right thing to do.
His hand against the cool metal of the gate served as a bit of a wake-up call. He opened it slowly and glanced back at the family behind them. James and Lily wore kind smiles on their faces as they waved. The glint of sadness that surrounded everything in those days made itself present. Remus smiled back, truly wishing the best for those people.
He stepped onto the street and came face to face with Mary's car, a reminder of the life he had led until that point. If only he could go back to his life in Manchester and not the one in London.
Remus stared at the car in front of him, not truly wishing to drive off in it. He looked back at Sirius, who was still by his side and offered a tight-lipped smile.
"So..." he started, not knowing what to say.
"You're sure about this?" Sirius asked.
"Yeah… it's for the best." He stared at his feet.
"Going to Gideon alone or leaving altogether?" Sirius looked ahead and tried to sound nonchalant.
Remus had a sharp intake of breath. "Both."
"I get it."
Remus glanced at him, "You do?"
Sirius nodded, avoiding his gaze, "Yeah… I—I do."
Remus felt his chest tighten. God, he couldn't start feeling too much.
"I'm sorry," Remus said.
"For what?"
"Everything."
It carried meanings Sirius had no idea of, but Remus still meant it. God, he meant it so much.
Silence settled between them, no one knowing exactly how to proceed. It shouldn't be this hard to say goodbye, not after knowing each other for so little time.
"Uh, Moony?" Sirius broke the silence.
"Yeah?"
"I got you something." Sirius began fishing something out of his jacket's pocket as Remus watched curiously. Soon enough, he saw Sirius pull out a tape. "Here." He handed it to him. "I made it, for you, y'know… since you only have one. A man can't live on granny music alone," he snorted unnaturally.
Remus held the tape and noticed a folded paper that Sirius had handed to him with it.
"Don't open it," Sirius said nervously. "Do it alone. Or at home. I don't know, just… not now."
"Okay." Remus nodded dumbstruck, "Thank you, Sirius."
Sirius smiled awkwardly back at him. He didn't have anything else to say, but he couldn't tear his eyes away from him. Remus' feet were glued to the spot, he didn't want to move, to say goodbye and never look back. Maybe he didn't actually want to die by himself at that shitty flat. Maybe he'd much rather die here surrounded by someone else's friends. Maybe that "someone else" was also very easy on the eyes and a fascinating person.
God. He was so fucked.
"Oh! Wait—I actually forgot something," Sirius widened his eyes. "Wait here, I'll be right back!"
Sirius quickly left him standing by himself. It was dangerous to be left alone with his thoughts. What if he changed everything? What if he just told Sirius the entire truth and begged to stay? Would it be so bad?
Probably not.
Yes… probably not.
Remus felt butterflies in his stomach. Was he really about to do that? An involuntary smile spread across his face. His heart rate shot up once he heard footsteps behind him.
"Sirius," he began as he turned around, "actually… I—"
"Remus?" An unexpected voice cut him just as he came face to face with someone with red hair, freckles, and a warm smile. Remus couldn't suppress the look of shock he wore on his face and how hard his smile fell. "You didn't tell me you were coming to Edinburgh too," Gideon took a step closer, completely ignoring the way he was being gawked at.
Remus felt as though he couldn't trust his eyes. He went from happy and hopeful to feeling like utter crap again. It was like being back at the night he left London. He stared at Gideon until he realised it would be too awkward not to say anything.
"Uh… I—I didn't know I was. The last time I saw you, I mean," he said.
"I see." Gideon's smile fell slightly. Did he think Remus was actually humiliating himself by coming to him on his knees? Well, the truth was almost as bad. "So… what brings you here?" he asked, trying to make conversation.
"Oh, y'know… came to see some friends." Remus bit his tongue right after saying it. Hell, he couldn't come up with anything better. "And you?—I mean, in this neighbourhood."
"Well, I told you Lawrence was rich." He laughed uncomfortably. "His family lives in that house right up the street." Gideon pointed to a charming home at the far end of the road. "So, yeah. Came to spend my last dying days, I suppose."
"Right. Uh. Nice." Remus shifted where he stood. Any second now Sirius would come back and he'd have to explain who he's talking to. What a nightmare, what luck! That couldn't be happening.
"And… does one of your friends live there?" Gideon pointed towards the Potter residence behind Remus.
"Yeah, sort of. I came with someone else… it's kind of a long story, y'know..." Remus tried to sound natural while turning to glance at the residence. Thankfully, James and Lily weren't at the door anymore and there was no sign of Sirius. "They're from… before we met."
"Oh, so from the Mary days, huh?" Gideon tried to joke. "Good thing I snatched you away, then. You always talked shit about your old friends."
The comment annoyed him to no end.
"Maybe I changed my mind," said Remus.
Gideon forcibly smiled and finally looked away from him, glancing around for a second. He then stared at his feet for a moment before taking a step forward with a worried expression on his face.
"Rem..." he began in a lower tone, "I didn't change my mind… I—I didn't want to say anything to embarrass you but... I haven't changed my mind. I love Lawrence, I really do. You have to move on."
Remus' eyes widened with shock as emotion overtook him. Not only had Gideon said the audacity to say such a thing, but the prick had also assumed he was making a desperate and pathetic attempt to get him back.
"Fuck you," he muttered.
Gideon's eyebrows shot up. He probably expected Remus to get on his knees and beg for him to take him back. Always so self-conceited…
"C'mon… don't be like this." Gideon almost pouted as he said it.
Remus began sweating cold from pure anger. Everything was rushing back to him faster than he could register.
"Fucking prick," he swore under his breath while looking away and trying to keep himself calm.
"Are you having one of your… episodes?"
That question was all it took for Remus to be overcome by anger. He looked back at Gideon, staring at him deeply.
"One of my what?" He asked, getting angrier by the second.
"You know… you get stressed and upset when you… fall ill," Gideon tried explaining reasonably after noticing how angry Remus was getting. "Is it the first time it happened since I left?"
Remus closed a tight fist to try to control himself and not punch the arsehole in the face.
"Do you really think I'd fall into such a depressive state without your useless arse around that it would make me come running to get you back?" Remus hated how emotional his voice sounded.
"Well… it's what it looks like, you were always a bit clingy and I—"
"You piece of shit." Remus cut him and took a couple of steps forward, making Gideon walk backwards to put some distance between them.
"C'mon, Rem… There's no need to get angry, I understand that you—"
"I've always hated that fucking nickname," he noted.
"No, you don't hate it. Stop it, you're going to start a scene." Gideon tried to reason with him in the most condescending way possible.
"Oh, sorry. It's one of my episodes, isn't it?" Remus bit back, heavy on the sarcasm.
"Are you sure this isn't about Lawrence?" Gideon lost his patience and placed his hands on his hips.
Remus laughed dryly and shook his head, "leaving Mary for you was the worst decision I've ever made."
The comment clearly bothered Gideon, who furrowed his brows and stood taller. "Don't pretend you didn't love every second of it."
"I did, and that's the worst part."
"Don't think you're any better than me," he pointed a finger at Remus. Then, an unexpectedly smug look appeared on his face as he took a breath, calming down. "Y'know, I actually saw you arriving yesterday. You didn't see me, but I saw who you were with. Was that your rebound?"
"Rebound?" Remus asked, already mad at what was to come.
"Why yes, your replacement for me. Honestly, Rem, I thought you could do better."
Rationally, Remus knew exactly what Gideon was doing. However, the mention of Sirius was a low blow. He didn't even know he could feel so much about the man until Gideon called him his rebound.
"Don't you fucking talk about him..." he warned.
"Why not? It's not like you're over me, is it?" Gideon wore a convinced grin.
The fact that there was a piece of truth in that statement made his heart sink and his throat tighten. That was downright sadistic. Gideon still held power over him, it was clear.
"Shut up..." he sounded defeated.
"Hit a nerve?" Gideon almost chuckled. "It's so easy to rile you up."
The world was set to end.
The world will end.
The world will end in just a few days, and Gideon still affected Remus.
That was no way to go, so Remus took a deep breath to gather his thoughts, looking down for a second. "I don't want to be here. I never came because of you, Gideon, you piece of shite. I just ended up in a terrible situation with a weird bloke I don't even know. I have absolutely no interest in staying in this shite city. I'm going home, where I'll hopefully spend my last days in blissful peace with no one to make me miserable since everyone I know is just as shit as you are." The anger in his tone was clear.
Gideon still grinned when Remus noticed he was looking over his shoulder. "Oh, there he is," he said, pointing at whoever stood behind Remus.
Sirius stood with his leather jacket folded under his arm and a desolated expression. He didn't even glance at Gideon. He set his gaze on Remus, who burned under it.
"A terrible situation?" Sirius asked, voice soft.
It took a beat for Remus to regain his footing, "n—no, it's not like that."
Sirius looked legitimately hurt by his words. Remus furrowed his eyebrows in worry. He had just ruined the only upside to his life.
"Then what is it? And who even is that? Is that your supposed boyfriend?" Sirius asked, increasingly exasperated.
"Ex-boyfriend," Gideon added behind him.
"I know this is not what I told you… but I can explain." Remus didn't even know where to begin. "Please."
"So you didn't come to get him back?"
"No… I didn't, I never wanted to be with him. I know it's weird, but—"
"God, do you have any idea how guilty I felt all this time. I thought I was making you cheat, I—I—"
"I'm so sorry, Sirius… I know it's messed up, but I was never ill-intended—"
"Do I make you miserable?" Sirius asked more quietly.
The utter disappointment on his face made the world around Remus completely shut down. He could only see the icy blue eyes staring back at him. The knot in his throat made it hard to speak, but he couldn't form a sentence either way.
"N—No," he answered weakly but eager to turn the situation around. "You don't. Not at all."
Sirius looked away for a second and then back at Remus, "you should probably go home, it's all you wanted to do since we met."
He looked so sad, Remus felt like a monster. He had managed to ruin everything not only for him but for Sirius too. God, how guilty he felt about making Sirius feel like this when he should be enjoying the company of his friends and godson. What an arsehole.
Remus couldn't quite put into words how or why, but it broke his heart. Sirius didn't deserve to have a mess of a person ruin his last few days on Earth. His body screamed at him to come up with a solution, an apology, or anything else that would help fix the situation. His mind, however, told him the contrary.
Sirius deserved better.
"I'm sorry… I'm so sorry, I don't feel like that. I promise," he said.
Remus wasn't sure when his relationship with Sirius turned into quiet apologies and small promises, but it was natural.
Rightfully so, Sirius didn't answer and only avoided his gaze.
"You deserve more than this… I'll go." Remus lowered his head and turned away from Sirius.
Annoyingly, Gideon still stood behind him, watching the entire scene unfold with an unbothered look on his face. It made Remus feral, to see this absolute tripe of a person shit all over his life again.
Without so much as a second thought, he closed the distance between his fist and Gideon's pale face in record-breaking time. Gideon hadn't been expecting it, so he had no chances at taking cover.
"Ouch!" Gideon screamed while stumbling backwards. "What the fuck, Remus?"
"Suck my dick, Gideon," was all Remus said before turning back to the car and opening the door. He didn't want to look Sirius' way in fear of something he couldn't quite name.
Remus entered the car and started the engine, eager to leave the place and never look back. His self-control wasn't the best, so as he pulled away from the curb, he glanced at Sirius one last time. He looked thoughtful and hadn't moved a muscle to help Gideon. He stared at Remus longingly once the car began to move, but didn't do anything else.
Remus had to tear his eyes away from Sirius, and knowing it would be the last time they ever saw each other made the task harder than he could have foreseen.
The best he could do was push any thoughts to the back of his mind and continue driving. He gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles were white and simply drove.
He didn't have the best knowledge of Edinburgh's geography, but he had to get away before turning back and making Sirius any more miserable. The historical streets all blurred together, Remus couldn't pay any attention to where he was going as the only thought that crossed his mind was Sirius.
Sirius Sirius Sirius
Sirius' face when he pulled away. Sirius' laughter when he played with Harry. Sirius' funny voices when talking to James. The way his lips curved when taking a drag out of a cigarette. The way he would get flustered when flirted at.
Everything about him was imprinted in Remus mind and there was nothing he could do about that.
Remus probably drove in circles. It took him way too much time to actually leave Edinburgh, but he managed.
The wide roads were freeing when compared to the tight streets of Edinburgh. It gave Remus space to think, to get away from the thoughts of Sirius that plagued his mind.
Why couldn't he calm down? This was all he ever wanted. Granted, he had thoughts of changing his mind about going home. However, they may have been spur-of-the-moment ideas that he would sourly regret in no time.
It was better this way.
It really was.
The wind blowing at Remus' hair was soothing. At least he could find comfort somewhere, it's not like his thoughts offered much.
It was jarring to notice how fast the journey back home was going. He knew it would be faster since he didn't plan on stopping anywhere, but it went by so fast. Remus even recognised some of the places they passed by, though he tried not to dwell much on that.
He couldn't stop driving, for he was afraid of snapping and going back. He couldn't do that to Sirius, he'd already caused enough damage.
Remus had foolishly thought that being far from Edinburgh would help clear his mind, but three hours in and his heart had yet to feel better. He couldn't remember ever feeling that way. Granted, what he was going through was a completely different experience than to that of anyone who had ever lived.
It felt like a tragedy. A Greek one, perhaps. He doesn't really know, he never read much of those.
The fact was that he'd found someone days before the inevitable end. How fucked up was that? What kind of "fuck you" from the universe was that?
Did Remus deserve it? Honestly, maybe he did. He was never the greatest person to have ever lived… but that was just a low blow.
Certainly, Gideon didn't deserve to die in the arms of a loved one. Well, Remus doubted his sweet words about Lawrence were sincere. Gideon was just pathetically sure of himself like that. Once upon a time, Remus found it charming. Ugh, thank God he grew out of that phase.
But no—Gideon didn't deserve to be in his mind anymore. He was dead to Remus.
He got angry just thinking about it, so much so that the second his eye caught a flash of the shit tape on the passenger seat, he didn't have a second thought before grabbing it and chucking it out the window. It even made him bark out a laugh. It was freeing.
The laughter didn't last, though. It was akin to that scene in The Graduate after they ran away from the wedding. Remus loved that movie… he'd watch it again before dying for sure.
His thoughts circled back to Sirius. They always did. Every time he felt the urge to go back running to him, his mind got the better of him. Sirius doesn't need this shit right now.
Remus would go back home and get what he wished for. Happy ending for everyone involved.
It was night when he found himself by his front door. It felt foreign to stand there back to square one without a key. He had even forgotten about that.
The street was deserted, and a few of the remnants from the riot could be seen. It was mainly broken glass on the pavement and some graffiti on the walls, nothing much. Save for that, the street was pretty much the same. There was no one walking by, which gave a surreal feeling to all of it.
Fuck it, Remus thought right before kicking the door in hopes of it snapping open. A few good kicks in did the job. He should have done the same that night.
His apartment looked the same. Apparently, no one had broken into it, he'd worried for nothing. Great.
Remus spotted a few of Gideon's things he hadn't had the guts of throwing out the window and promised himself he would burn them the next day. He would love to do it sooner, but he was just so incredibly tired.
He thought driving so many hours would give him time to think. It didn't. He was still the same mess.
Remus walked slowly to his bedroom, he'd surely wake up refreshed the next day and everything would be just fine.
His limbs were stiff, he noticed when taking off his jumper. He would burn that too.
Once he got to his trousers, he noticed something that dug into his pocket. He slipped a hand inside, having completely forgotten about the tape Sirius had given him right before everything went to shit.
How could he have forgotten about it?
His hands were on the verge of trembling as he held the precious tape between his hands, almost afraid that it would break. It was plain, but "Moony's end of the world mixtape" was scribbled on it in sharp and big letters.
Remus' heart sank.
It came with a crumpled piece of paper, the one he'd promised to open at home. His breath hitched as he wondered what was written on it.
If only he had a fag to help him calm down.
Remus unfolded the paper. The black ink splattered through bold and messy handwriting was already a sign of Sirius. He stopped postponing the inevitable and began reading it. Just that alone sent spikes through his chest.
Moony, someone once told me I had nothing to lose, and they were right. So, because you can't be here, take a piece of me with you.
Moony's End of the World Mixtape
Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy (I'd love to sing this to you and watch your face go red)
When I'm Sixty-Four (this one's here for irony's sake)
It's Raining Men (because you need more fun in your life)
The Power Of Love (Back to the Future is my all-time favourite film. Yes, I know it came out last year)
Baby, I Love You (So you can get a taste of my teenage self)
Take on Me (no Wham! here, darling)
Making Love Out of Nothing at All (Prongs would never admit how much he loves this one, maybe he has a point)
Ever Fallen in Love (it speaks truth)
Beautiful Boy (This is what I sing to Harry, Prongs gets jealous)
Ladyfingers (This came from one of James' dad's records, it's the way I feel when looking at you put to music. God, I'm blushing as I write this)
Across The Universe (yes, I think I was meant to meet you)
The air that I breathe (this one's awfully fitting, sorry)
There Is a Light That Never Goes Out (I suppose I finally had enough time to listen to their new record. I wish want It reminded me of you)
— Sirius
The air had been knocked out of Remus' lungs. God, he could cry.
Words failed him as he stood half-naked in his shitty flat. He couldn't move his feet or tear his eyes away from the inked paper. It was just so… sweet, innocent.
It erased all other possible interpretations of how Sirius felt about him. Remus didn't know all the songs, but the titles offered could give him a rough idea.
A feeling of anguish crept up in him. He had ruined it, hadn't he?
The tightness in his chest longed to understand the extent to which Sirius' feelings for him went before he messed it all up. He had to listen to the tape back to back a thousand times, wear it out and know each lyric from the top of his head.
Remus didn't put his clothes back on before striding to the living room, where the boombox was all the while holding the tape tightly, afraid he'd somehow break it.
He noticed his hand was shaking as he reached for the radio. The moment it was turned on, Remus quickly realised it was on a news station. He had no plans of listening to whatever bullshit they had to say, but it all happened so fast that before he knew it, the presenter's words had already captured his attention.
"Matilda will be arriving one week ahead of schedule. The point of contact is 36 hours, 26 minutes away, so be sure to mark your calendars. This is an urgent announcement. The meteor's route has changed, and it's arriving one week earlier.
This is our final broadcast. On behalf of myself, producer Bruce Hammond, and everyone here at the radio station, we bid you all a fond farewell. It has been my pleasure to bring you—"
Remus turned the radio off. He could not believe what he had just heard.
Thirty-six hours? THIRTY-SIX HOURS?
It had to be a joke, a very sick one at that.
Remus turned the radio back on and changed the station, paying very close attention to what was being said.
"—at the BBC World Service wish you a peaceful last few hours. In thirty-six hours and 24 minutes, the—"
No. No. No. Remus changed the station again.
"I mean, we were all going to die anyway, so it might as well be a week sooner, right? Don't get me wr—"
"I have loved and cherished each one of the last 15 years I worked at this radio station. This is not a goodbye, but a—"
Remus turned the radio off.
He had thirty-six hours left. This wasn't supposed to happen. Not like this.
He became desperate. He was supposed to have time to settle down and accept the situation. It couldn't happen now. Not so soon. He wouldn't have time to listen to Sirius' tape a thousand times. He wouldn't have time to reread each word he wrote a million times. He wouldn't have time to relive the last few days of his life in his head as much as he wanted.
He wouldn't have time to run back to Edinburgh and get to know Sirius properly. He barely had the option by then. It was all nightmarish.
It was now or never.
End notes: You can find the playlist of the mixtape on my Spotify profile (thebadslandxx) or by searching "Moony's end of the world mixtape".
I made Sirius' note, which you can find a picture of on my Tumblr (blckwidsww).