Chapter 6: Promises
Natasha found Steve the next morning in Bucky's room. He hadn't slept. He had sat at the edge of the bed as hot tears streamed down his cheeks for the better part of the night. He couldn't force himself to stop Bucky, not after the things he said.
Steve didn't resent him, even after all that had transpired between them. He just mourned for him. For the man he had been before Hydra had toyed with his mind. For the happy go lucky guy who didn't hesitate when volunteering for a war that had killed thousands. For the gap-toothed boy in the schoolyard who had stood up for him when Steve was too weak to stand up for himself. For the happy and peaceful life Bucky deserved, but would never live.
"Steve?" Natasha questioned tentatively. He looked up at her, his eyes still red. She sat beside him and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.
"Bucky's gone," He managed.
"I know. We all heard the fight last night." Steve shook his head.
"I just let him go. I should've tried to stop him."
"You couldn't have convinced him otherwise Steve. His mind was made up."
"He's never going to forgive himself. He doesn't think he deserves happiness." Steve wiped his face. "You know he still has nightmares? Every night." Natasha didn't speak, instead letting Steve get it all out. "He was worried he was going to hurt someone again. Me especially. That's why he said he couldn't stay…Why we couldn't be together." Steve paused.
Bucky cared for him. In the same way Steve did. Growing up in the forties, Steve never dreamed Bucky could return his feelings. And why would he? Anyone who looked at them could see they were polar opposites. Bucky handsome and charming; Steve small and awkward. Even after he had been given the serum he knew he was doomed to love his best friend in silence. Homosexuality was illegal after all. Then Steve had met Peggy. She was beautiful, intelligent, and brave…and for some reason, liked him. Steve had cared for her as well but not the way he did for Bucky. Still, for a while Steve thought he might love her.
Then Bucky had fallen from the train and Steve had thought him dead. He remembered the endless, all consuming pain well. It was a dark and depressing void that seemed to stretch on forever. Steve knew then what he felt for Peggy paled in comparison to his love for Bucky. When Bucky had died, Steve had wanted to die with him.
Then they had been reunited. Though on opposite sides of a war this time, they had still found their way back to each other in the face of impossible odds. Enemies for years until Steve had found him in Romania. They had been through war, frozen against their will and tried to kill one another countless times…and it still wasn't enough. It seemed they were fated to be star crossed until the end of their days. The Winter Solider would never allow Bucky to be happy.
"I just don't understand," Steve continued. "Shuri said she got it all out. Bucky shouldn't be like this anymore."
"Wait…what if Bucky's problem isn't that he still has Hydra in his head?" Natasha questioned suddenly. Steve glanced at her.
"What?"
"I mean, it sounds like his problems are psychological. The nightmares, reverting back to the Winter Soldier without being controlled by a Hydra agent, the guilt…It almost sounds like PTSD."
"I'm not sure where that leaves us. There's no cure for PTSD."
"No but it can be treated. And guilt magnifies PTSD…If we could find a way to help Bucky with his guilt and get him the treatment he needs-"
"Then he wouldn't be a risk anymore. He could come back." Steve felt a flicker a hope as he thought over Natasha's words.
"It's a long shot but…"
"We need to talk to Shuri."
XXX
Shuri listened patiently while Cap and Natasha explained their theory.
"So what do you think? Do you think PTSD could be causing Bucky's symptoms?" Natasha asked once they repeated their previous conversation.
"It certainly sounds plausible. I'd like to talk with Dr. Banner more about this. Perhaps we can work out a solution. In the meantime, we need to find Bucky. It does him no good if we can't get him back here for treatment." Shuri responded.
"I'll find him," Natasha volunteered. "There's cameras all over the city. One has to have picked him up." She dashed off.
"I wish Bucky told me he was struggling," Shuri said quietly. "Yesterday when I saw him, he seemed fine."
"He has good days and bad days, like anyone," Steve replied.
"Yes, but I treated him.I should have seen the signs." She shook her head.
"It's not on you, Shuri. I should have known to ask him about how he was doing before things escalated. I should have seen something was wrong before he told me about the nightmares." Steve lowered his head. His shame burned deep.
"Bucky only showed you what he wanted you to see. What matters is that eventually, he did tell you. That shows tremendous trust. Especially for someone with a past like his." Shuri reached out to touch his arm reassuringly. "Sergeant Barnes is a good man. I'll find a way to help him, Captain. I promise you."
Steve nodded. He had faith in Shuri. She was a genius after all and she wanted to recruit Bruce to the cause as well. He couldn't ask for a better team.
"I'm going to help Natasha find him."
Bucky POV
Bucky thanked the fruit seller and accepted his bag of plums. He dropped them into his bag and turned back the way he came, down Steinway Avenue. He passed a few other pedestrians and kids but none of them glanced twice at him, something he was grateful for. As he came to a stop at an intersection, he pulled his baseball cap low over his brow. When the light changed, he crossed quickly.
Bucky was eager to get back to his hideaway, an abandoned warehouse a few blocks away. He was still in New York, but he had at least made it to a different borough. He wasn't sure yet where he would go after he left the city. It wasn't like he was rolling in dough. He was of course fully capable of pickpocketing someone, but that would only get him so far. And attract unwanted attention.
He considered his options as he continued down the block, cars streaking past noisily, laying on their horns or skidding to abrupt stops. He paid them no mind. That was city life after all.
He supposed he could rob a bank. He dismissed the idea quickly. No, an ATM. Late at night so there would be no witnesses. He could use his metal arm to disable the machine.
A big bank, he thought to himself. Not a mom and pop. One that could afford the hit, like a corporate chain. Then he could buy a ticket departing from JFK. Somewhere low key…like Romania. He was already in Queens, it wouldn't take long to get to the airport. It wasn't that Bucky didn't like the city, it was home after all. But it was too painful to be this close to Steve.
No, he would have to leave.
Pleased he finally had a plan in place, his pace slowed. Although…it's not like I have a passport… or ID. He resisted groaning out loud. I guess it's the continental U.S. for me…
He barely had time to react before a huge SUV pulled up alongside him, screeching to a halt. He cursed. He had gotten distracted and it had cost him. He got into a fight stance, ready to take on whoever was inside but was surprised when Clint and Steve hopped out. He let his fists fall slightly.
"Bucky-" Steve started.
"I told you I can't stay Steve." Why wouldn't he give up on him? Couldn't he see Bucky was a lost cause? Steve held his hands up as he approached. Bucky watched him warily.
"I spoke to Shuri this morning. She thinks she knows a way to help you."
"She said that before and it didn't work." Bucky held no ill will against Shuri. He knew she had done her best on him. But Bucky's scars were more than skin deep. They were embedded on his bones, tattooed on his soul.
"She wants to enlist Dr. Banner, but she's confident she can help you Bucky." Bucky shook his head.
"No one can help me." He wasn't just broken, that implied there was something to be fixed. He was ruined. Hydra had made sure of that.
"You have all the symptoms of PTSD," Natasha said, exiting the SUV. "That's why you've been regressing. Shuri was right, you're no longer a tool of Hydra but what they did to you still had an impact on your brain." Bucky's eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
"What?"
"It means even if a Hydra agent read from the red book you wouldn't become the Winter Soldier. But because of what they did to you…The torture and maybe even the war, it affected your mind." Steve crept closer, finally lowering his hands. Bucky didn't speak for a moment.
"We can get you treatment, maybe even therapy," Steve continued.
"Therapy?" Bucky spat. "You think therapy is gonna make this all go away?"
"Buck, it's not gonna be easy. You're going to have to work at it every day. But I'll be there to support you. As long as you need me to." He could see the desperation on Steve's face and it broke Bucky's heart.
Bucky turned away, shaking his head. Therapy? They thought therapy was going to fix everything that was wrong with him? Where would a shrink even start?
"I don't want someone playing in my head again. I can't take it." Finally, he admitted what he had been thinking since Steve mentioned Shuri's new diagnosis. Steve could see the hesitance in Bucky's eyes and beneath that, fear.
"We won't force you to do anything. And I'll be there for every moment you want me to. We'll get through it together, Buck." At Bucky's silence, Steve continued. "Please try. For me," He pleaded. Bucky stared at his best friend, debating his options. He never wanted to leave, not really. Steve was as much a home to Bucky as the city was, probably even more so. He didn't want to be apart from him. Not now, not ever.
"I'll try," He conceded eventually. He noticed the three Avengers relax visibly. "But, if this doesn't work Steve, you have to promise to let me go." Now, it was Steve's turn to hesitate. "Promise me Steve."
"If he doesn't, I will," Natasha interceded. "It this doesn't work, I'll get you a new identity. And a passport. You'll be in the wind."
"I need him to promise," Bucky said, still watching Steve.
"…I promise."
A/N: What did you guys think of this chapter? And how are you enjoying Falcon and the Winter Soldier so far? If you're liking this story, please review! Thanks for reading!