JADE

The Astro: Your difficulties aren't personal – you haven't done anything wrong.

Seventeen year-old Jade couldn't stand her mother. She knew exactly how painful it was when she would bang on about Strawberry to her. She secretly found the whole situation hilarious. She thought Abraham, the lovely man who had raised her since she was little, was so sweet and lovely and good-looking. She had never understood WHY he was with her mother. She was always so mean to him and talked to him like he was a member of staff, and not a beloved partner. She always swore that if she ever went out with someone as nice as Abraham, that she would treat him with respect and dignity.

All her mother cared about was her career. It was Ham who had helped Jade with her homework. It was Ham who used to hoover her long hair into a ponytail when she was in junior school. It was Ham who cooked her dinners or gave her cash to get take-outs. It was Ham who came to see her school play when she was a Pink Lady in Grease. It was Ham who took sexy photos of her for her first Instagram account (they kept that secret from Audrey). It wasn't anything seedy – she wanted a sexy shot in skimpy clothes, and you can't do a proper selfie and capture all the curves in all the right places. She couldn't ask her brother and she didn't have any close girlfriends, so it had to be Ham. He didn't mind; in fact, they laughed a lot that night.

Jade didn't even really like Strawberry – thought she was vacant and irrelevant but if she made Ham happy, then Jade was happy and would make the effort to be nice to Strawberry. Especially with the bonus of winding her mother up! And it gave her somewhere else to go and get away from her nagging mother.

She had recently left school and had failed all her exams and never heard the BLOODY end of it. She purposely hadn't studied as she just didn't care. She didn't want a fancy career like her mothers. She didn't want to work hard. She didn't want to work at all. That night, her mother started laying into her again for failing her exams.

'I've paid for you to go to a private school for years! Do you know how hard I work to make that happen? Do you think I am working for myself?'

'Yes,' said Jade sullenly. Audrey's eyes flashed, from across the dining-room table, whilst Derek ignored them, stuffed garlic bread into his mouth, scanning through photos on his smart phone, from his recent search 'slutty girls with big tits who like it rough'.

'You ungrateful child, everything I do is for you kids,' screeched Audrey, spitting bits of pasta out with the velocity of her words. 'If you are not going to take you're A-levels, which you obviously can't because your results were such shit, you need to get a bloody job; you can't doss around here all day.'

'Why not, Derek does, and he's three years older than me?'

'Derek is working on his novel, you know this.'

'All you care about is telling people that your kids are great, your kids are talented. Well, guess what, Mum? We're not. We're average, just like you! You don't have any A-Levels, you don't have any qualifications.'

'Me, average?' Audrey scoffed and tried to calm herself down. 'Don't think so, sweetie. Have you seen my Porsche on the driveway? I've worked bloody hard to get all of this for you and my ungrateful children.'

'Mum!' protested Derek.

'Oh, not you, sweetie,' said Audrey, giving Derek a loving stare.

'Oh, so just me then, brilliant. It's not about stuff, Mum, don't you get it?! Derek and I don't care about stuff! You do!' Jade glared back at her Mum, a perfect mini-me version of her mother, although lo-and-behold anyone who ever dared to say this to Jade.

'Hmm, you don't care about your new BMW, or your Miami holiday that you put on my credit card, or you're 'A Source' account that I pay off every fricking month? I think, missy that actually you do care about stuff and quite a lot!'

'You mean, ASOS, mum?' said Jade, sneering.

The two ladies glared at each other, mirror images.

Derek was ignoring them both; he was used to these two banshees yelling at each other at the dinner table – they'd been doing it for years. Besides, he was busy checking out a hot little red-head who had the biggest nipples he had ever seen and was telling him that if she clicked on her link, he could see her in the flesh and she would do anything that he wanted - providing his credit card number was approved.

'Gotta go work on my novel,' he mumbled, and ran up the stairs to his bedroom. Neither Jade nor Audrey noticed him going.

Half an hour later, Paulina the Russian slutty red head on his live video feed, had twenty clothes pegs hanging off her gorgeous pink nipples, per Derek's instructions. He emptied his load over his laptop screen, wishing her actual face was in front of him. Paulina - real name Becky, a single mum from Luton – was well-versed in aggressive rich little boys, pretended to wipe his cum off her face, turned off the live feed, removed the rubber clothes pegs and calculated she had earned £500 for the half hour work. Luckily Audrey paid off Derek's credit card bill every month, no questions asked.

Back downstairs, the Cunningham ladies were still going at it.

'I'm off out to go and see Strawberry and Ham. My new baby brother is due any day now and it will lovely to hang out with a PROPER NORMAL FAMILY.' And Jade stormed out of the house, but not before pulling on her Balenciaga trainers, grabbing her Gucci handbag, picking up the keys to her new BMW and tapping her back pocket to make sure she had her phone and debit card (both paid for by Audrey).

Audrey sat back in her chair, sighed and finished her glass of Malbec.

Jade sat in her car, fuming, and text Ham:

Jade: I hate my mum!

Ham: It's going to be ok, sweetie, just breathe! X

Jade was cross; she didn't was sympathy, she wanted to rant. She squealed her car out of their driveway but didn't go over to Ham's place; she couldn't bear the thought of another quinoa soufflé, plus the boils were still raging, according to Ham, so instead drove towards her boyfriend's flat on the other side of town.

Her secret boyfriend's name was Jeremy, Jezza to his friends, and he drove a lorry for a living. Jezza had the complete opposite life to the entitled and spoilt Jade, and this was appealing to her. He worked hard, had come from nothing after being raised by foster parents and rented a flat with three other lads.

He was in his late twenties and had spotted Jade at their local McDonalds one night, and had struck up a conversation with the teenager, who had been sixteen at the time. He had a shaved head and was covered in tattoos, with an inking of 'true grit' on his knuckles - Jezza's friends would laugh that if he lost his middle finger, his tattoo would read 'true git'.

He had immediately appealed to the young Jade, who was looking to rebel from her private-education, high expectation lifestyle, to slum it with this man, with the bonus of winding her mother up when she was ready to reveal his existence. For now, she liked keeping him secret. And he was a super sweet man to boot.

Jade had been seeing Jezza since Christmas, ever since Ham had moved out. It filled the hole that Ham had left, especially as her mother was always working and Derek lived in his bedroom. She was lonely, didn't have many friends and Jezza worshipped her. He made gentle love to her every night and told her how beautiful she was. He truly couldn't believe his luck that this beautiful girl with the smoking hot body was his.

They smoked a lot of weed, listened to The Doors and lived on a nightly diet of burgers and pizzas. She had gained a stone since dating Jezza, but it was a happy and contented stone.

His room in the shared flat was clean and tidy although Jade loathed using the communal bathroom and kitchen, but she never let on to Jezza, as she didn't want him to feel bad. He already had recriminations about not being able to provide for her properly, aware of the lifestyle that she was used to.

Although Jade claimed that material things were not important, she avoided showering there and would head home to shower in her private en-suite bathroom, tastefully decorated with a fabulous tropical rain shower, as opposed to gagging at crusty taps or strange hair clogging the plughole at Jezza's residence. Plus, there was a permanent horrid smell in the shared abode, a combination of egg, blue cheese and drains. Jade often found herself snuggled into Jezza's arms to drink in his lovely scent, to avoid the putrid house smell and he was in heaven having this adoring teenager in his life, having struggled to meet women closer to his age.

Later that night, Jezza had gone down on her and then shagged her, both groaning with animal pleasure as they came, and kissed each other in delight. As they lay, sweating and panting, Jade reached for her phone and posted a photo of a glowing pregnant Strawberry on Instagram, baking sugar-free, vegan cupcakes, taken before the boil break-out, just to wind her mother up. She had been waiting for the opportune moment to post it. She uploaded the photo with the caption 'Perfect Mother, heart emoji'. She smiled at the thought of the pain her mother would feel when she saw this photo.

Jade wanted Strawberry's life and, secretly hoping with all her heart that she was also pregnant, having come off the pill a few weeks ago, seventeen year-old Jade cuddled up to a now-snoring Jezza and fell asleep in his arms, blissfully contented.