TW: GRAPHIC DEPICTION OF SUICIDE
Baking with another person was a difficult task enough, but when that person acts and, well, kind of looks like a 10 year old, that tends to make things all the more difficult. Natalie hadn't played the Natsuki arc when she'd run though the game, but what she certainly hadn't been anticipating was ingredients strewn haphazardly across every possible surface, the floor beneath their feet just slightly sticky due to Natalie accidentally knocking an egg onto the floor, and little smears of frosting in the most unexpected places. She'd literally had to wipe chocolate frosting from the side of her toaster.
Natsuki sighed contentedly and dusted her hands off by the sink before wiping them against the apron she was wearing. Their final masterpiece, a grand total of 72 cupcakes, were finally complete, all in a variety of flavours and colours with varying decorations.
"Look at how pretty they are together!" Natsuki observed.
Natalie nodded in agreement. "So how many flavours did we do again?"
Natsuki began to count them on her fingers. "Chocolate, strawberry, raspberry, lemon, that plain sponge stuff . . . yeah, that's it, so 5. I wish I could have one now."
"In fairness, we do still have our reject batch." Natalie pointed to 12 slightly overcooked cupcakes, not enough to be inedible or bad in taste but enough for Natsuki to disapprove of them. "We could always slap a bit of frosting on them and have 6 each."
"Well, yeah," Natsuki's expression suddenly changed, "but my dad's making dinner tonight, so I really need to save my appetite."
"Your dad's making dinner?" Natsuki nodded in response. "And you're sure he'll be bothered by you even sharing half a cupcake with me, just to test the taste?"
"I'm good," she replied briskly. "Besides, when my dad cooks, I need to eat as much of it as I can . . ."
"I've never met your dad, now that I remember," Natalie began. "You talk about your parents so little that half of me believed that you were an orphan or something."
"It's just my dad," Natsuki explained. To distract herself, she began placing the cupcake rejects into a tupperware container, presumably to take home with her. "My mom . . . it's a long story. Anyway, you distracted me, so thanks for that. I was hoping we would have time for manga, but I need to be home for dinner."
Natalie quietly sighed. "Of course. I'll bring the cupcakes in tomorrow. Just take the cupcake rejects home and see if your dad wants any."
"Jeez, when did you become so agreeable?" She picked up her two bags full of items, somehow balancing them between her arms, and walked with ease towards the door. "Just don't forget the cupcakes, because I already have Monika breathing down my neck, and the last thing I need is for you to make this so much more of a hassle. Mind opening the door?"
"Oh, yes, of course." Natalie darted forward and pulled the front door open as Natsuki blindly slid her shoes back on and stepped outside.
"I guess I'll be off then," Natsuki said. "Thanks for the help and everything."
"Do I get a confession that I'm not half as bad at baking as you expected?" Natalie asked.
Natsuki rolled her eyes. "And just like that, you ruined my mood. Cupcakes. Don't forget, or I'll kill you. Whether that threat is empty or not is up to your interpretation."
Natalie laughed. "And Natsuki," Natsuki turned around on the spot, "you're welcome back any time, really. Maybe next time we can make more time to read manga if you want. I think I have a few titles on my bookshelf upstairs."
"Yeah, maybe," she agreed. "Well, anyway, my dad's dinner won't eat itself . . . Sayori?!"
At the sudden mention of that name, Natalie almost tripped out of her house to run to the end of her front lawn. Sayori was leaning against the front of the picket fence with a friendly smile on her face, and while it seemed as though it had gained some warmth, that was still not a lot.
"Sorry if I startled you," Sayori apologised. "I just stopped by to say hi."
"You should've come a little earlier," Natsuki responded. "I'm already on my way out, so . . ."
Sayori frowned, although again it lacked conviction. "Aw, really? That's too bad."
"Yeah, well, I'll still see you at the festival tomorrow, so it's fine." Natsuki transferred the weight of her bags to one hand so that she could use the others to open Natalie's garden fence.
"Sayori, did you want to come in?" Natalie asked her as Natsuki left. "Have a good evening, Natsuki!" she called after her. Natsuki inclined her head at her. "Anyway, Sayori, I'm about to microwave myself a fish pie for dinner if you want to join."
"No, it's okay," Sayori replied. "How much fun you were having with Natsuki . . . and how close you got to her . . . it makes me . . . really happy. That you've made such good friends. That's all that matters to me-" Her voice broke as another tear fell down her face. "Why am I feeling this way, Natalie? I'm supposed to feel happy for you. Why does it feel like my heart is splitting in half?"
"Oh, Sayori." Natalie leapt over the fence and pulled her into a hug. She was at the point where she no longer cared whether this would upset Sayori's boundaries too much. She just . . . didn't know what else to do. "I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm so sorry."
"It hurts so much . . .'' she sobbed against her chest. Their height difference meant that Natalie's chin rested against Sayori's head. "Everything hurts so much . . . This would be so much better if I could just disappear!"
"No." Natalie's arms tightened around Sayori. "Sayori, whatever you do, don't talk like that. Don't say something like that, let alone go through with it. I can't lose you, I can't, I can't, I can't . . . j-just promise me you won't."
Sayori took a trembled breath. "Natalie, I-"
"P-please. I don't want to lose you, Sayori. Promise me you won't. S-Sayori, just promise me, promise!"
Natalie felt Sayori nod against her shoulder. "I promise. I don't want to hurt you, Natalie."
With that sudden weight of her shoulders, Natalie lifted one hand to wipe at the tears beneath her eyes and then placed it back down on Sayori's shoulder.
"I want to trust you, Natalie," Sayori continued. She pulled away a little and frowned at Natalie's now tearful expression. "You know what's best for me, and I could never ever hurt you with my selfishness."
"Don't worry about your selfishness, you're not selfish," Natalie responded, attempting to steady her breathing. "I don't care about how selfish you believe yourself to be. Whatever happens, you're my friend, and I'll do whatever it takes to make sure you're okay."
Sayori sniffled and nodded. She reached into her pocket and pulled out something small, although it was difficult to tell what it exactly was at first. At slightly closer observation, it appeared to be a bracelet of some kind. She handed it to her.
"After you visited, I moved something on my desk and found this. I made it for you when we were little, but you lost it, remember?" Natalie held it up in front of her eyes. It was just a small elastic bracelet with her name beaded onto it as well as various coloured beads in blue, turquoise, and lilac. "I thought you might want it back."
Natalie smiled and slid it onto her wrist. "Th-thanks, Sayori. Promise me you won't break the promise you just made. I just . . . I can't . . ."
Sayori nodded. "I-I'll try. I'll see you at the festival tomorrow?"
"Yeah." Natalie very reluctantly stepped back from Sayori to allow her to leave. "See you tomorrow, Sayori."
She knocked steadily on the door as the rain poured outside. A familiar coral-haired girl answered.
"Natalie? It's almost midnight," Monika said. She crossed her arms over herself and shivered. "Oh jeez, it's freezing out here. When did this storm show up?" Her gaze moved back to her. "Would you like to come inside?"
Natalie nodded and lowered her coat hood. She absently let Monika lead her inside, remove her coat to dry, and hand her a mug of hot chocolate, all the while uttering not a word. By the time they were both sitting on Monika's bed beside each other, Natalie was still silent.
"Natalie." Monika took her hot chocolate from her, of which she'd barely had a sip, and placed it down on her desk. "Tell me, what happened?"
Natalie inhaled, which in itself became a hiccup. "I . . . I can't sleep. I saw Sayori again today and she's worse, she's so much worse. She's hurting so much inside that it's difficult to even see her as a person anymore. Th-there's nothing left I can do, and she promised not to end her life, but I don't know if she'll keep it, and I don't want her to die, Monika!"
"Oh, Natalie." Monika pulled her into her arms and hugged her gently, only unlike last time Natalie didn't resist in the slightest. Natalie began to cry against her as she hushed her and soothingly rubbed her back. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pulled you into this. This was my mess to fix, and maybe if I hadn't gotten you involved, we wouldn't be in this situation right now."
"N-no, you're wrong," Natalie argued between cries. "It would've only made things worse if I hadn't gotten involved too. I'm just . . . I'm scared, Monika. I've never been so scared in my life."
Monika sighed, her hold never loosening. She inattentively wrapped a strand of Natalie's hair around her finger. "I am too," she confessed. "Sayori . . . she's my friend as much as she is yours. I want what's best for her, and I want her to be safe. But as long as we're there for her, for as long as it takes, she'll be okay."
"You really believe that?" Natalie asked.
"Well, losing hope would be a much worse step to take, I think," she answered. "It's perfectly possible that you got through to her, that we'll see her tomorrow morning."
"A-and if we don't?" she countered.
"Well then, how about this." Monika shuffled further towards the centre of the bed. "Tomorrow morning, we'll wake up at exactly 5am and be at the school at 6 when the doors first open. That will allow us to check on the pamphlets at the earliest time possible—you did say it was something in the pamphlets that tipped you off, correct?"
Natalie nodded. "Sayori's poem was replaced with this." From her pocket, she removed a piece of lined paper with the poem written on it and gave it to her. "I've been trying to piece it together from memory all week, and I believe this is it."
Monika's eyes scan over the page as the horror gradually set in.
…
%
Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head.
Get.
Out.
Of.
My.
Head.
Get out of my head before I do what I know is best for you.
Get out of my head before I listen to everything she said to me.
Get out of my head before I show you how much I love you.
Get out of my head before I finish writing this poem.
But a poem is never actually finished.
It just stops moving.
…
Monika slowly lowered the page face down onto the bed. "S-Sayori wrote this? What does she mean by, 'everything she said to me'?"
Natalie grimaced. "It's highly insinuated that you . . . other you, encouraged her to hang herself. There's something else I scrambled together too, but I'm not sure if you'll want to see it . . ."
"Show me," Monika urged.
As she wiped at her eyes with one hand, with the other she revealed a second sheet of paper, on which she'd attempted to somehow recreate . She'd had to take several breaks between each element of the drawing simply to compose herself and her emotions.
"This," She handed it to her, "this is what other you put it in the game files. I guess you drew it. You said other things too that morning. Something about 'leaving her hanging', and then there was 'don't strain yourself'."
"I can't believe I let myself get this far," Monika whispered as she returned the drawing. "So that poem is what we're looking for? That's the red flag, so to speak?"
"Y-yeah, that's it," Natalie replied. She pulled her sleeves of her hoodie down past her hands. "So I guess there's nothing we can do for hours now . . ."
Monika gave her a sympathetic look. She placed Natalie's mug of hot chocolate back into her hands and moved the two papers away from view. "You can stay here tonight," Monika offered softly, "not that there's exactly very much of our night left if we have to wake up in under 5 hours time. You can sleep on my futon over there, even without unfolding the mattress. It's . . . surprisingly comfortable. I've crashed on it before myself"
She inclined her head towards a light green futon couch with several pillows surrounding each corner and a blanket folded neatly over the top. Natalie didn't say anything but instead took a very small, sad sip of hot chocolate.
"Natalie, I know this is hard," Monika sympathised, "but we'll figure out a way through this together, I promise. Do you trust me?"
After a long pause, Natalie nodded.
She didn't sleep. Of course she didn't sleep. No sane person could have possibly slept while the looming possibility of their friend committing suicide hung like a dark cloud above them.
"I-I'm sure it'll be fine," Monika had assured her as they drove well past the speed limit down the quiet roads. The sun had only just started to rise over the horizon. "Just take a deep breath in and out. Look, I'll open the windows to give you some fresh air."
They hadn't even finished parking when Natalie hurled herself from the passenger side door of Monika's car and sprinted up the stairwell ahead of them towards the clubroom. The only other person she passed was the janitor who was busy sweeping the corridor. Other than that, the place was completely deserted.
She could hear Monika speed-walking along behind her, but she didn't care. She just had to get to the clubroom, to assure herself that Sayori was okay, that she'd listened, that she'd survive, that everything was going to be alright.
The door was thrown open. Natalie dropped her bag to the floor the moment she saw the neat stack of pamphlets Monika had left on the front desk on Sunday evening. She swiped the first one she saw and began to fumble through the pages. She could sense Monika watching over her shoulder. Her hands were trembling. Why wouldn't they stop trembling?
Finally, she stopped at the page with Sayori's poem.
...
%
Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of-
Natalie broke into a complete sprint. She didn't care about the fact that she'd left her belongings in the clubroom, or that Monika couldn't keep up, or that it would make more sense to take the car. She had to find Sayori. She had to find her. She had to see her. She had to stop her.
She just had to.
Her run only increased in speed as they reached Sayori's street. Natalie blocked out the sound of Monika running after her. Her head was spinning. The world was spinning. It was completely tilted, dizzying. She felt like she could collapse at any minute.
But no, she couldn't. For Sayori's sake, she couldn't. She couldn't let herself stop now. There was no way she could stop now, after everything they'd been through. Stopping simply wasn't an option in the first place.
Sayori's parents weren't home, evident by the lack of car in the driveway, but Natalie took no notice of that regardless. She shoved the front door open so hard that her shoulder was sure to bruise up, but that pain was nothing compared to the pain she feared she'd feel if she were to open Sayori's bedroom door.
"SAYORI!"
Never had a staircase felt so long to climb in her life. Reaching the top felt as though it had taken years. Her knees were shaking under her weight, but she had to find her.
Natalie didn't even allow her hand to linger over the door handle to Sayori's room for a moment. She shoved it open and froze in the doorway.
Her blood ran cold.
The noose was already tied securely around Sayori's neck and holding her to the ceiling. Her feet dangled some distance from the ground. A chair was positioned just a few feet away from her.
But her hands weren't by her sides. She was still scraping frantically at her neck. Thin trickles of blood began to form down her fingers. Her eyes were squeezed shut tightly.
They weren't too late.
Maybe Sayori knew they were there, maybe she didn't, but Natalie wasn't bothered. She moved the chair so that it was directly underneath her and climbed up onto it. Thanks to Sayori's small size, she propped up her weight against her own body with an arm beneath her so that the rope no longer pressed so tightly against the neck. A trembling hand reached up to pull at the knot. When nothing happened, she shoved at it harder, but it had been tightened all the way.
She couldn't lose her now, she just couldn't. Sayori was still pulling at the rope at her neck frantically. Little squeaks of air continued to leave her mouth. Natalie shoved at the rope harder. She had to free her. She had to save her.
Natalie was faintly aware of another chair being pulled up on the opposite side, and someone holding up a meat knife to the rope and sawing at it relentlessly. Monika vigorously sliced the blade back and forth across the thick rope. Part of the blade had caught her finger and caused it to bleed profusely, the blood beginning to reach the sleeve of her shirt.
There were only a few strands left. One final slice pulled them apart. Sayori tumbled forward into Natalie, her body now limp. She was already looking pale, her lips almost blue.
Natalie carried Sayori back down again and placed her down on the floor, leaning her against her bed. While the noose was looser than before, it wasn't loose enough.
Monika nudged Natalie to the side. She crouched down directly in front of Sayori, who was now almost fully unconscious, and slid the knife down the space between her neck and the rope. She grimaced, the muscles in her arm now aching, as she cut away at the rope. The blood from her finger was smearing across the side of Sayori's exposed neck.
It came away faster than the first time. With the rope no longer binding her neck, Natalie yanked it away and pressed two fingers to Sayori's pulse point. She was desperate for something, anything. The smallest sign of life. Then, under her fingers,
. . . thud . . . thud . . .
Hot tears didn't hesitate to run down Natalie's face. "Sh-she's—she's alive. M-Monika, she's alive! Sayori! C-call an ambulance, now, just do it!"
Natalie moved the girl so that she was laying down across the carpeted floor and swiped a pillow from her unmade bed to place beneath her head. She stopped for a moment.
Sayori's chest was still rising and falling with each incredibly shallow breath she took. It was subtle, but it was there. Her eyes were still closed, though, and her neck already bruised and bloodied in a clear line from front to back.
She could hear Monika on the phone in the background. She'd never heard her voice quiver so much in her life. ". . . Suicide attempt . . . Y-yeah, she's alive, but she's unconscious . . ."
Natalie continued to cry without showing any signs of stopping. She took Sayori's limp hand in her own, careful to avoid causing more pain by making contact with the rope burn across her fingers.
"S-Sayori, you idiot." Her voice came out as a hoarse whisper. "Never d-do that again."
⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰
Author's note: My recent google searches now include how death by hanging works, and how easily a meat knife can slice through a taut rope. The FBI will definitely be coming for me now, or maybe just social services.
This was an incredibly difficult chapter to write, easily my hardest. I added the trigger warning for a reason, of course. Yeah . . . this is without a doubt the darkest thing I've ever written. I just hope I've done at least some justice here, but now I'm paranoid ahhh.
Anyway, as you can see, I just couldn't bring myself to let Sayori go. I'm so invested and attached to her character at this point that even the thought of going with the game gives me shivers.
If any of you reading this are struggling at all yourselves or know someone who is, remember the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. Lines are open 24/7, and any calls are completely free and kept confidential.
Anyway, thank you so much for reading, stay safe, and remember that ily all lots!