Fate deals the cards, but we have to play them.
Proverb
One Year Later
"Hi, Momma!" Jessie greeted as she skipped over to where her mother was waiting for her in the school pick up line. "Hi, Billie!"
"Hey," Amanda smiled. "How was your last day of school?"
"Good! Are we gonna go visit Uncle Sonny's work since you got me today and not Sienna?" she asked, hopefully.
"No, sorry," Amanda shook her head. "He is in court all afternoon."
"Oh."
"I did want to talk to you girls about something while he wasn't around, though, just the three off us Rollins girls."
Jessie's face fell. "Are we breaking up with Uncle Sonny?" she asked, sadly, tears already filling her eyes.
"What? No, no. No. Of course not," Amanda soothed. "Why did you think that?" She asked, kneeling down to Jessie's level.
She shrugged. "That's what you said when you told us were weren't gonna live with Dr. Al anymore."
Amanda's brow crinkled. "I guess I did. You remember that?" Jessie had been so little then, Amanda had a hard time believing she could remember something like that, but apparently, she did.
Jessie nodded; her voice shaky when she spoke again. "Yeah, it was just you and me and baby Billie in the hospital. You said that when Uncle Sonny went to go get us food. I really like our new apartment and I love Uncle Sonny. I don't wanna leave either one of them."
A few months ago, the Rollins-Carisi clan moved slightly further out of Manhattan where they could get condo that fit the needs of their family. It was much more spacious than the space they crammed into at the apartment. It had three bedrooms, two bathrooms, a kitchen with plenty of counter space, and an alcove off of the living room that was perfect area to turn into a workspace for the nights Sonny had no choice but to bring his work home with him.
"I know you love Uncle Sonny. So do I," Amanda assured her. "I love him with my whole entire heart."
"Me, too!" Billie chimed in with the biggest smile appearing on her face at the mention of her Uncle Sonny's name.
"We aren't moving again or leaving Uncle Sonny. I love him as much as you do. That's what I wanted to talk to you about, actually, how much I love Uncle Sonny."
Jessie's eyes grew wide as she waited for her mother to continue. "Are Billie and I gonna have a baby brother or sister?"
"No," Amanda chuckled lightly. "Not anytime soon." While they came to the agreement that biological children were off the table for them, she knew Sonny would be open to adopting a baby. They talked about it at great lengths the night Sonny had explained to her why it was so important to him that they not risk her health or the health of their child.
It had all started the night he came home very late after work – so late that he missed dinner by several hours and the girls were already fast asleep – after he spent hours at his desk reading the court transcripts from James Miller's much delayed trial in Ohio for the rape of his stepdaughter, Evangeline. It was a case he was compelled to follow even though it was long out of his jurisdiction, and he was relieved to find that the jury found Miller guilty on all counts, but the conversation he had with Graham outside of the courtroom, after it was ruled that Evangeline was allowed to have an abortion, weighed even more heavily on his heart since Amanda had told him what her doctor had said about her having another pregnancy.
So, that night, when he found her in their bedroom after he quietly gave Billie and Jessie goodnight kisses, he told her everything in great detail. He told her how his mother found out she was pregnant again when she was 45 and that the baby had a fetal heart defect. He told her how he was the only person who knew she decided to have an abortion, and how she had cried for a week and he had no idea to console her – especially when she was unable to find comfort in their religion after that. And in that moment, as he rested his head in her lap while he whispered out this information so softly that she struggled to hear him, everything clicked into place for initial reaction to her pregnancy risk news and the way Rosa reacted when she told her the day they watched the girls play bocce suddenly all made sense to her now.
"Then what, Momma?" Jessie asked impatiently.
Amanda raised her eyebrow at her daughter's tone, but decided to let it slide this time. "I was wondering how you girls would feel if Uncle Sonny and I got married."
Jessie couldn't contain her excitement. "Uncle Sonny asked you to marry him?! Can Billie and I be in your wedding? Are you gonna wear a pretty dress? Do we get pretty dresses? Are we gonna be flower girls?" The volume of her voice increased with each question and she was practically screaming and jumping up and down.
"Whoa, slow down a second." Amanda laughed. "No, Uncle Sonny didn't ask me to marry him, but Uncle Sonny did say that someday if I wanted to get married, I could propose to him. And, well, I do want to marry him, but I wanted to know what you thought about it first."
Jessie nodded approvingly. "Girls can do anything boys can do."
"Yes, they can," her mother agreed.
"You hafta ask him. I know he'll say yes. He looooves you. I'm pretty sure he even loves you more than Prince Charming loves Snow White." Jessie paused. "So, he'll be my daddy? And Billie's daddy?"
"In a manner of speaking," Amanda explained. "But nothing will really change...he's already like a daddy to you and Billie. He loves you two, he helps you with homework, and takes care of you when you get sick, or sad or scared. Those are the types of things dads do, and he already does all of that and then some. Different daddies helped make you and Billie, but Uncle Sonny is the guy who helps raise you, so yes, that does make him like a daddy," Amanda had tried to explain it as best as she could in the moment, but unlike Sonny, she wasn't good at thinking on her feet when it came to children, and she knew she was probably rambling. She made a mental note to look for a children's book to help explain the situation later. After all, Jessie and Billie had nonexistent relationships with their biological fathers, and she didn't know if that made it harder or easier for the girls to understand. "And he loves you both so very much," she added.
Al Pollack and Declan Murphy were fathers to Billie and Jessie in name and biology only. They never called to check in, or send a birthday card, or to ask about school. They didn't know their child's favorite songs, food, or favorite color. They didn't know what nightmares kept them up at night, or what silly Italian songs helped soothe them. Declan didn't know that the only laundry detergent that didn't cause Jessie to get a rash was Tide, and Al didn't know that Billie hated chocolate milk but loved strawberry milk. It was those little every day moments that they had no idea about, and some days Amanda felt bad for the girls not having a relationship with their biological fathers, but on the other, more common days, she was grateful that those two men kept their distance and didn't disrupt the lifestyle they settled into. She knew that as long as their names existed on those birth certificates, there could always be the slightest chance that they'd show up one day and serve her with court papers demanding visitation, but considering she never took them to court for child support, she hoped they'd never do that.
As a mother, there was a part of her that wondered how a parent could treat their child that way, but then she would think about her own mother, and realize it wasn't that much different. Sonny was the man – with the large and loud extended family – that always showed up. He was the one Billie wanted when she had a double ear infection, and the one Jessie sought when she thought there were monsters in her closet (because even if your mommy is an NYPD detective and can arrest the monster, you still feel better when your Uncle Sonny the ADA makes sure that the monsters are held in Monster Jail without bond). He went to parent-teacher conferences, doctor appointments, dance recitals, and t-ball practice. Dom and Rosa never missed a recital or t-ball game, either, and on some occasions, they would show up with a whole cheering section of Sonny's nieces and nephews. After the games, they'd take all the kids out for zeppole or cannoli and Amanda would watch in amazement as they corralled all the children like it was the most normal thing in the entire world. Jessie thrived from having the influence of them in her life, and she even made Dom and Rosa her guests of honor at her end of school year recital for KISS (Kids Invite Someone Special) Day last week. It was love that made them all a family, not biology.
Trying to get Al and Declan to relinquish their paternal rights had been weighing heavily on her mind ever since she started dating Carisi, truthfully. And even though she wasn't generally the praying type, she found herself praying every single day that those two men would realize it was in the best interest of the girls to be adopted by Sonny, because she knew without a shadow of a doubt, that it was best for her girls for him to legally be their father and not only emotionally.
In fact, she was so serious about it, that she asked Trevor Langan how she would even begin that process when she saw him randomly (or, maybe it was by fate, actually) at the coffee cart near the courthouse a few weeks ago. Amanda didn't tell Sonny that part of her plan, yet, as she didn't want to anything until she had Al and Declan's responses. She wanted to know what type of battle they had to prepare for first. In theory, it should be easy for them to give up the rights they never used, but one could never really know for sure.
"Will we call him "Daddy?" Jessie finally asked, shifting her weight back and forth on her feet.
"Do you want to?"
Jessie hesitated.
"If you don't want to call him that, it's okay," Amanda assured her. "He won't be upset. You can just call him Sonny or Dominick – or even Uncle Sonny still if that's what you're most comfortable with."
Jessie shook her head. "I think Uncle Sonny is better than all the other daddies my friends have, and he's not even a daddy yet. He should have a name more special than daddy. That's all," she shrugged, waving her hands above her head in a very Dominick Carisi fashion. "There has to be a better name."
Amanda's smile grew wider as Jessie spoke. "I can understand that. You have some time to think about it. The right name will come to you." She held Jessie's hand in one hand and Billie's in the other as they crossed the street. "I was hoping you girls could help me make a special dinner tonight. I asked Nonna for all the recipes for Sonny's favorite foods and I can use some help making them."
Once the extended family weekend dinners at the Carisi household became a regular thing – work schedules permitting- Jessie and Billie began calling Rosa and Dom "Nonna and Nonno" without a second thought – much to the delight of Sonny's parents.
Jessie gave her a pointed look, turning her head to study her mother's face. "You're gonna cook?"
"I sure am. I'm going to try my best, but I don't know if it will be as good as Nonna's."
"Don't forget," Jessie began, "Nonna says the secret ingredient to all Carisi food is always love. Lots and lots of it. She just doesn't write that on the cards 'cause it is top secret information."
"I won't forget. I'm going to put so much love into it, but it will be even better if you and Billie can help me."
"We will, Momma. Nonna says we're good kitchen helpers. What are we gonna make?"
"Baked ziti, chicken parmesan, salad and ricotta pie for dessert."
Jessies eyes grew wide. "Uncle Sonny does love all that. He's gonna be so excited. Hey...I'm a big kid now, so I can help with pie! Billie can tear the lettuce like I used to."
"I a big kid, too!" Billie argued.
"Am not!"
"Am, too!"
"Hey, hey, hey. Enough of that," Amanda warned. "I need my helpers to be on their best behavior or they're gonna end up in a time out."
Amanda had asked Rosa for these recipes last week and had been discretely studying them since. She was determined for this meal to be the best meal she ever made in her entire life. By some miracle, she thought she was doing pretty well so far. She even made sure she bought all of the ingredients from Sonny's favorite authentic Italian market that morning after she dropped Billie off at daycare and Jessie off at school.
"I know what I wanna call Uncle Sonny, now," Jessie declared, as she was mixing the ricotta mixture for their dessert.
"Oh yeah? What's that?" Amanda asked as she put the pan of chicken parmesan into the oven followed by the pan of ziti.
"Papa," she replied, with a perfect little Italian accent. "'Cause It means "daddy" in Italian." She emphasized. "Nonno told me so when we were practicin' new words...and it sounds like pasta a little bit, too, and Papa makes the best pasta."
"Papa Pasta!" Billie repeated with a giggle, tearing the last piece of lettuce and placing into the bowl. "Funny!"
"I think," Amanda began as she walked over to Jessie to drop a kiss on her forehead, "that he is going to love that so much." She watched as Jessie scooped the ricotta mixture into the prepared pie crust. "Good job. Now, why don't you go help you sister get cleaned up. Papa should be home soon."
"We're gonna have a Momma and a Papa, Billie," Jessie said as they ran down the hall. "Isn't that exciting?"
Amanda worked quickly to clean up most of the dinner prep dishes and to set the table before Sonny came home. She just put the last of the silverware on the table when the door opened.
"You're never gonna believe this," he started, as he set his briefcase on the floor by the door before removing his suit jacket and placing it over the back of the chair in the foyer.
Amanda walked around the corner to meet him in the little hallway and watched as he rolled up the sleeves of his dress shirt.
"...it smells just like Ma's house in the hallway," he finished saying before he paused, inhaling. "Actually, I stand corrected. It smells just like Ma's house in here. Just what exactly have you been up to on your day off?" He asked, taking a step forward, with a grin, as he worked to loosen his tie. "I know Ma wasn't here cookin'. She would have told me she was coming."
Amanda stepped forward, too, and closed the space between them. "Hi." She said, staring into his eyes intently, a little smirk appearing at her lips.
"Hi, yourself," he said before kissing her. "You gonna answer my question or just keep redirecting my attention?" He teased as she trailed her fingers along his arm and up his chest.
She shrugged. "I just thought I'd try my hand at making some of your Ma's recipes. Jessie's real proud of the ricotta pie she worked on," Amanda began as she looped her arm through his and they walked down the hallway. "And Billie's pretty happy with tearing the salad greens, so make sure you acknowledge that," she laughed.
When they rounded the corner into the living room, Jessie and Billie were already walking down the hallway with the most adorable little grins on their faces. They were whispering to one another and giggling. When they spotted Sonny standing there, they ran full speed ahead and leapt into his arms.
He expertly caught both of them in his embrace. "That's quite a welcome home," he said as he kissed them each atop the head.
"We missed you, Papa Pasta!" Billie said.
"Billie!" Jessie whined. "Momma might not have even asked him yet. You coulda ruined it."
Billie's lip quivered.
"It's okay. It's okay," Amanda replied, quickly, reaching out to touch Billie's back. She honestly didn't really have a plan for when she would ask him or what exactly she would say. She knew she wanted to make his favorite foods, because Italian food was a love language to the entire Carisi family, but she didn't have a plan that went further than that. She was winging it. "She didn't ruin anything."
"So-wry," Billie mumbled, resting her head against Sonny's chest.
"Momma might not have asked me what?" He asked curiously, looking up at Amanda.
"To marry her," Jessie replied. As soon as she realized what she said, she clamped a hand over her mouth, eyes wide. "Oops."
"To marry her?" He repeated, slowly, as she placed the girls back on their feet and stood up, his eyes never leaving Amanda's face.
"You said," she began, swallowing the lump of emotions that were threating to overtake her at any second. "That, um, if I ever changed my mind about marriage, I could propose to you and well..."
"Amanda..."
"Uh, I, well, this is me changing mymind." She rambled.
"Amanda..."
"I mean, what I'm saying is: I'll marry you, if you'll marry me.
"Amanda..."
"Say something...anything."
He took a step towards her, placed his hands on either side of her face and kissed her. "I've been trying to say yes to ya the entire time, but you didn't let me get a word in edgewise." He said when they parted from their kiss.
"Oh," she blushed. "I guess you're rubbing off on me." Then his response finally registered in her brain. "Wait...Yes, though?"
"Absolutely, yes," he replied with a laugh before kissing her again.
There were cheers and applauses from the two little girls who were sitting on the floor watching them intently – like all their wishes had just come true. Jessie crawled over and tugged on his pant leg. "Can we call you Papa now?" she asked, hopefully, looking up at him through her eyelashes. "Even though you and Momma aren't married yet?"
"You want to call me "Papa?" He asked, voice filled with wonder as he looked down at Jessie.
Jessie nodded her head, and Billie mirrored her actions.
"Papa Pasta!" Billie clapped.
"You can absolutely call me "Papa" even though Momma and I aren't married yet," he replied. "What made you come up with the name "Papa?"
She shrugged. "I told Momma you needed a special name...cause you're better than a regular daddy. I know "papa" means "daddy" in Italian cause Nonno taught me. And it kinda sounds like "pasta" a little bit, too, and you make really good pasta, so it was perfect."
"It is perfect," he agreed with a laugh. "Oh, come here you two," he sat down on the floor next to them and they crawled into his lap. "I love you both so much, you know that right?" He asked as he wrapped his arms around them and held them close.
"Yeah!"
"Yeah!"
"You tell us all the time, Papa," Jessie added.
"Well, I just wanna make sure you know that," he replied. "It's such an honor to be your papa," he told them, voice filled with emotion as he dropped another kiss to each of their foreheads. "I'm so, so very lucky."
He knew someday they would discuss in great detail the different ways family came to be. They would talk about their biological fathers, and they would talk about what it means to be have a stepparent, but for right now, he relished in the simplicity of their childhood innocence. He was their papa, and in this moment, nothing else mattered.
"You're the daddy I dreamed about having," Jessie said simply and Amanda could do nothing to stop the tears that streamed down her face as she watched her three favorite people in the whole entire world sit huddled together in the middle of the living room floor.
"Hey, now, can a momma get in on this group hug, too?" She asked as she sat beside them.
Jessie nodded and crawled over to sit on her mother's lap. "Thank you for picking Uncle Sonny to marry, Momma. Dreams really do come true!" She exclaimed.
Later that night – after plenty of extra bedtime stories and snuggles because the girls were so excited about the engagement – Sonny shuffled into the bedroom and found Amanda sprawled out across their bed scrolling through her phone.
"For a second there, I thought you got roped into another bedtime story after I left," she commented as she moved into a seated position and placed her phone on the nightstand.
He chuckled. "Every time I'd get ready to walk out the room, Billie would look up at me with those big, beautiful eyes of hers and say "Papa Pasta" with a little giggle and asked for another hug. There's no way I'd ever be able to deny her that."
"I wonder how long she'll add "Pasta" to the word "Papa," Amanda said with a laugh.
"She could do it until she's 40, and I'd still think it's the cutest thing in the whole entire world."
With a smile, Amanda watched as Sonny quickly changed into his pajamas. "I'm glad you agreed to marry me, you know."
He turned around to face her as he pulled his t-shirt over his head. "Was there any ever doubt, Manda? Honestly, I was a little shocked you asked. What made you change your mind about marriage?"
She couldn't resist the opportunity to tease him. "Well, I figured it wasn't good for you to keep living in sin because of me..."
"Yeah, okay," he snorted, shaking his head, and rolling his eyes. "You're funny, you know?"
"Yeah, I know," she smiled back at him. "Really, though, it was you." She answered simply. "And the Carisi family as a whole." She picked at a loose thread on the comforter. "Doing all the things that used to scare me...well, they seem less scary when we do them together. I'll be the best wife I can be; I swear." She sounded almost defensive – like she was trying to convince him not to change his mind.
There was a crease in his forehead as he stepped forward and sat on the edge of the bed. "All you ever have to be is yourself, Amanda," he reminded her sincerely. He paused briefly before he opened the drawer to the nightstand on his side of the bed. "I have something for you," he said as he rummaged around the drawer.
"Dominick," she breathed his name as a whisper once he handed the square, blue velvet box to her. "Is this...?" She trailed off, staring at the jewelry box he placed in her hands.
"Go on," he encouraged. "Open it. It won't bite," he joked after he noticed that she almost seemed afraid to open it.
When she opened it, the most beautiful twisted halo diamond engagement ring was revealed. It's wasn't gaudy like the ring Al had given. It was elegant, not flashy, and much more her style. "When did you...?"
"About a week after Fin's wedding," he answered sheepishly before she could finish asking her question. "I waited as long as I could." He took the ring out of the box and slid it onto her finger. "For the record," he began, recalling their conversation that night at the wedding, "I didn't stop at the first jewelry store I could find, either. It was more like the third or fourth."
"How did you know I'd change my mind about marriage? Even I didn't know for sure until more recently than that." She held her hand out in front of her and admired the beauty of the ring.
"I didn't know." He shrugged. "But I hoped you would. Bella met me for lunch and went with me the day I picked it up – she thought I was a jinxing it by buying the ring, actually. But I didn't care...I wanted to be prepared in the event that you did change your mind. You deserve to be taken care of, Manda, and I've wanted to be the one who takes care of you for a long time...even though you're fiercely independent and make it difficult at times for me to do that." He smirked. "Thanks for allowing me to have that opportunity, though," he added, becoming serious once again.
So much had changed since he last said something like that to her. It was in the breakroom when she was pregnant with Billie after she had told him that she was thinking about moving in with Al. "You've always taken care of me," she reminded him. "You even went to get me a ginger ale the last time you said something like that to me after you basically lost your mind when I told you about moving in with Al."
"Yeah...well...what's that they say? If you love something set it free, if it comes back it is meant to be? Something like that anyways...I just wanted you to be happy, and if Al did that...then I had to accept that...no matter how difficult it would be."
"I didn't love him...I thought I did...but it was more the idea of love, and I allowed myself to be seduced by the lifestyle I thought we could have. It wasn't real. What we have together, though, that's real."
"I know," he assured her. "One more thing..." he started as he rummaged in the drawer again and pulled out a folded piece of paper. "I had the jeweler sketch these out..." He opened the paper as he leaned against the headboard.
Amanda rested her head on his shoulder and looked at the paper.
"The jeweler assured me that it would be possible to take certain characteristics from that ring and have them turned into necklaces for the girls. I was thinking maybe getting the back of the locket engraved with something about how fate brought us together and made as a family or something..." he trailed off, handing the paper to her for a better look.
Amanda studied the beautiful sketch. "That's ...perfect."
"You think?"
"Yes. They'll treasure it forever."
"You know...I do believe that fate brought us together, but I just want you to know that I won't depend on fate to keep us together. I want you to know that even when we fight and disagree and argue – which I'm sure we'll do more times than we can count – I will always come back to you...to the family we made – even if you did use metal utensils on my nonstick cookware once." He tacked on with a slightly disappointed smile as he recalled the memory.
"I'm still sorry about that!" She defended herself. "I didn't know you can't do that, but I learned my lesson!"
"Yeah, well, luckily for you, I don't think that's grounds for a breakup or divorce under New York State law, anyways," he joked.
"Dominick," she began, seriously, reaching out to cup his face in her hands. "I will fight for the family we are. Always. I know that running away and shutting down emotionally is usually my MO, but I won't do that to you. You might just need to be a little patient; I'm still learning how to do that."
She gently put the drawing of the necklace on his nightstand and crawled over to sit on his lap. She pushed him against the headboard and kissed him until Billie's voice and giggles could be heard from down the hallway.
"Papa Pasta. I thirsty! Wata, peas!"
Amanda sighed, chuckling lightly, as she pressed her forehead to Sonny's. "I think this trip to her room better be a team effort, otherwise she'll keep it up all night."
"Are you suggesting a little good cop/bad cop?" He asked, somewhat nostalgically.
"Mmhm. You in, partner?"
"Always, partner. Always."
She smiled as they stood up and walked hand in hand towards Billie's room. With the past she had, she never thought this beautiful and wonderful life would be in the cards for her, but perhaps when fate and destiny intersect, it is exactly where you are supposed to be after all.
Wow...so this chapter was A LOT longer than I intended for it to be, but I felt like I couldn't cut anything out either. I hope you don't mind and enjoyed this journey. Thanks for coming along!