Living in the Ashes - Part I

Hyperspace swirls around her. Voices whisper from the blue-white void.

Overlapping.

Jumbled.

Frantic.

She can't find her equilibrium. Stumbles and nearly falls. Where is she?

Behind her, the doors to the bridge's briefing room hiss open.

Rex.

She turns and sees him standing in front of the holotable, his back to her.

He's shaking.

"Rex?"

No. This had happened already.

Bright sunlight momentarily blinds her, gleaming off the Tribunal's shattered hull. She blinks.

Rex stands facing her, pistols aimed at her chest. His eyes are unfocused, glassy.

Oh, Force! Not again.

"Did you find him?" Rex asks.

"I did," she says. "I found Fives. I know about the chips."

He takes a step toward her. His pistols never waver. "Find him. Find Fives."

"I did, Rex." Her hands go to her waist, feeling for her lightsabers. They're not there. "I found Fives."

Panic blooms in her chest. She's unarmed. Vulnerable.

Jesse steps out from behind Rex, her lightsabers clenched in one hand. His other hand rises, pointing a pistol at her.

"Find him," Rex and Jesse say in unison; their voices blend into one. "Find Fives!"

Together, they pull their triggers.

Ahsoka awoke in a small room, in an unfamiliar bed. She took a shaky breath.

Loyalty means everything to the clones.

The clones had attacked her.

No! I'll do it.

Rex had attacked her.

She took another shuddering breath as moisture gathered in the corners of her eyes.

She'd tried to save them. She knew they weren't to blame for their actions. But it still hurt.

Force, it hurt!

Those soldiers—my brothers!—are willing to die, and take you and me along with them.

A sob tore from her throat. Then another.

I don't want to hurt them.

"Commander?" a soft voice called.

I am not the one who is going to kill them.

Ahsoka pressed a hand to her mouth to muffle her cries. But she had to move it when she couldn't get enough air through her nose.

"Commander!" Alarm filled the familiar voice.

A red light began to flash in Ahsoka's peripheral vision and a moment later, the door to the room slid open and two figures entered.

"The commander," the other occupant of the room said.

A Twi'lek and a human approached Ahsoka, their Force presences swirling with concern.

"Rex!" Ahsoka cried, but her hoarse voice didn't reach very far.

"Can you slow your breathing for me?" the Twi'lek asked.

"Your captain is close," the human said, crouching down next to her bed.

Ahsoka reached out through the Force and she could feel Rex.

Ahsoka? his voice whispered in her head.

He was tired, his body ached with minor wounds and overworked muscles, and his emotions were a tangled ball of grief-shame-loss. He seemed to sense Ahsoka and stuffed the darker feelings down deep, radiating unwavering comfort back at her. She drew in deeper breaths and started to calm.

"That's it," the Twi'lek encouraged. "You're safe."

Her heart was no longer galloping, but Ahsoka couldn't seem to stop shaking.

"Could you take me to Rex, please?" she rasped.

Why was her throat so sore?

"Why don't you try sitting up first," the human, a man with sandy hair and green eyes, said. "You were shot several times and wrenched your shoulders pretty badly."

Ahsoka sat up and swung her legs over the edge of the bed. The room only swayed around her for a couple of heart beats, then steadied. Her left hip and knee ached, but not as badly as her shoulders. She was dressed in clean sleeping pants and a soft shirt. She didn't see her lightsabers anywhere.

"Rex?" she said, then coughed which made her throat feel even more raw. "My 'sabers?"

The man patted her knee; the one that hadn't been shot. "Just sit for a minute. I'll grab you a protein drink. Rex says you've been asleep for over twenty hours. He has your 'sabers."

He patted her knee again, then rose and left the room.

Ahsoka wrapped her arms around herself. Rex had her lightsabers. He'd give them back, she knew he would. But the image of her 'sabers clutched in Jesse's hand made her heart clench.

"Are you cold?" the Twi'lek, a female with light green skin, asked. "You're shivering."

Ahsoka started to shake her head no, then realized she could hardly feel her fingers or feet. When she curled her fingers into her gauze wrapped palms, the digits were icy.

"Maybe a little," she rasped.

The Twi'lek woman nodded and went to a closet set near the room door.

"Are you going to be okay, commander?" the clone in the bed next to her asked.

Ahsoka finally looked at him. Multiple bacta patches covered his face and arms, including his right temple. Right where Rex's bandage had been after she'd removed his chip. The clone lifted his arm, wincing a little, and touched the bandage.

"They took that thing out of my head, thanks to you, commander. And the captain. You saved me."

Tears welled up in Ahsoka's eyes, and she blinked rapidly. She brushed her senses against his Force-signature briefly, since she didn't have his armor to rely on to identify him.

"I'm glad you're alright, Glint," she whispered.

Glint looked ruefully down at his body hidden beneath the sheets. "I've been better, sir, but I'm alive."

Ahsoka nodded.

The Twi'lek woman retuned and draped a blanket around Ahsoka. On her heels was the man with a gently steaming mug.

"It's not a nerf steak," he said, handing her the mug. "But it should keep you going until we can get you a real meal. My name's Donek. I'm the head al'baar'ur around here." He gestured to the Twi'lek woman. "This is Iuku, baar'ur-in-training."

The Twi'lek nodded in greeting.

"Thank you for everything," Ahsoka managed. Her throat didn't like all the talking she was doing.

She sipped the warm protein drink and grimaced. She took another sip before Donek or Iuku could prompt her. She wanted to know where she was. She wanted to know more about these two doctors. Her last clear memory was of . . .

Commander Rex, you are in violation of Order Sixty-six. You will be demoted in rank and subject to execution.

She shuddered, huddling into her blanket, and drained the mug as quickly as she could without making herself sick. She desperately wanted to see Rex. Needed more than to just feel his reassuring presence in the back of her mind.

Donek seemed to sense this and took the mug, placing it on a table next to the bed. Then he helped her stand, which she was grateful for when all her wounds suddenly yelled for her attention. Her hip and knee would make walking interesting. Her shoulders were a constant throbbing ache.

"You can lean on me if you need to," he said, steadying her as she swayed.

Ahsoka nodded. "Thank you."

"See you around, commander," Glint said as she Donek made their way toward the door.

"See you, Glint," she said, patting the end of his bed as she limped passed.

Iuku murmured something about scars and ports as Donek led Ahsoka out into a bustling medbay. The room was filled with troopers and the medical staff tending to them. All of the troopers sported bandages. Some were missing limbs. Ahsoka's heart ached at the sight. On the far side of the room, two bacta tanks were occupied.

Something that she'd noticed about Glint, and Iuku's words, suddenly clicked and Ahsoka stopped.

"Glint's legs . . ."

"We tried save them," Donek said. "But they were too badly mangled." He put an arm around her waist and urged her on. "There were too many men who were severely injured. We're not a tiny clan, but we're just not equipped for a disaster of this scale."

She could only nod numbly as they walked past cot after cot of injured men. Glint's words rang in her mind. I've been better, but I'm alive. Would the rest of the clones feel the same way? Ahsoka wished she could do more for them. Wished she were a healer who could close their wounds and knit their bones. The wounds of her men had always weighed heavily on her heart.

The doctor led her down a hallway and into a small waiting room. Her eyes went to Rex immediately. His head snapped up from where he was bowed over his knees in a chair, his golden-brown eyes finding hers unerringly. Ahsoka pulled away from Donek and limped toward Rex. She caught sight of her 'sabers on his belt as he rose from his chair.

Rex met her halfway. She bit back a groan of pain as she hugged him as tightly as her poor shoulders would allow. She was grateful he wore civilian clothing, or she would have bruised herself against his armor. Rex held her no less tightly, and after a moment, one hand moved to cup the back of her neck as she began to shake again.

"Shh, I've got you." Rex's voice rumbled in his chest and thrummed in her montrals.

"Rex!" Ahsoka sobbed.

"I'm here, vod'ika. I've got you. Udesiir."

Anakin watched as his former Padawan and his first-in-command clung to each other. Envy bloomed in his chest.

Shouldn't they be consoling you? a dark voice whispered in his mind. It was you who was abducted. You who is being kept from your wife.

They nearly died, Anakin reminded himself.

They're so innocent, all wrapped up in each other, that little dark thing hissed. Wouldn't it be beautiful to break them?

Anakin looked away. His eyes rested briefly on Paz and Silk; his minders. They had seated themselves on the opposite side of the room, giving the illusion of privacy, but not so far that a stun bolt wouldn't reach him in seconds. He looked down at the binders around his wrists and bit back a snarl. His eyes flicked back to Rex and Ahsoka.

It would be so easy to snap his neck. He'd never see it coming, the dark voice crooned.

Anakin's hands clenched fists.

How quickly do you think she'd Fall to avenge him?

"Shut up," Anakin whispered.

She'd be your apprentice again.

Ahsoka's wracking sobs tugged at the compassion in Anakin's heart. He held onto that with both metaphorical hands. He rose—Paz twitched but he and Silk remained where they were—and walked to Rex and Ahsoka.

"Hey, Snips," Anakin murmured.

She looked up from where her face was buried in Rex's chest, and her eyes went wide.

"Anakin!"

Ahsoka practically fell into him. He had to maneuver a little awkwardly to get his bound arms around her. She clung to him just a fiercely as she had to Rex. That mollified him a bit.

"I was so worried about you, Anakin," Ahsoka cried. "I saw the most terrible things. Master Windu . . . the Chancellor."

Anakin's mood soured.

Rex stepped closer and put one hand on Anakin's shoulder, and the other on Ahsoka's head between her montrals.

"We're together again," Rex said. "That's what matters."

Anakin took a breath and let his anger go.

After another minute, he released Ahsoka and the three of them moved to a couch. Anakin made sure that he was between Rex and Ahsoka. They didn't seem to mind, and it actually helped him force back the dark whisperings in his head. Ahsoka curled up against his side, wrapped in the blanket that she'd abandoned in her haste to get to Rex. Rex pressed against Anakin's other side, sure and steady.

"Where are we?" Ahsoka asked. "And why are you in binders, Anakin?"

Anakin let Rex fill her in and just basked in their presences. He couldn't feel them in the Force, thanks to the suppression binders, but he could feel their warmth against his sides and listen to the familiar cadences of their voices. When he closed his eyes and relaxed, he could almost imagine they were on the Resolute again, unwinding after a battle.

Unlimited power!

Anakin's brow furrowed. Maybe, if they hadn't left him to rush off to Mandalore . . .

What have I done?

If they'd just come to Coruscant with him first . . .

Every single Jedi is now an enemy of the Republic.

Maybe, if they'd been with him in the Chancellor's office . . .

I pledge myself to your teachings.

"Anakin, you're crying." Ahsoka's fingers brushed his cheek.

"Padmé's pregnant," he said, choosing the easier path. He looked at her and forced a smile. "Twins."

What would Ahsoka think of him if she knew the truth of what had transpired in the Chancellor's office? Would she look at him with distrust? With hate?

Ahsoka's eyes lit up with delight. "That's wonderful!"

More tears slipped down his cheeks; happier instead of self-pitying. "I'm going to be a father."

She threw her arms around his neck, nearly catching him in the eye with a montral in her enthusiasm.

"If you parent like you mentor, your babies are in for quite the journey," Ahsoka said, grinning. "But look at how well I turned out."

On his other side, Rex gave an amused snort.

"You . . . you're not mad at me?" Anakin asked. He had to know. "It's not the Jedi way."

She pulled back and looked at him. "Are you happy? Is Padmé happy?"

"I'm a little scared," Anakin said honestly. "But I think I'm happy, yes. You'll have to ask Padmé how she feels after the twins are born."

Ahsoka grinned at him. "Fair enough." She hugged him again, resting her head on his shoulder, her forehead pressed against his neck. "I've known how you felt about Padmé for a while. I'm in no position to judge your choices. If you're happy, then I'm happy for you."

A little knot unwound itself in Anakin's heart and his breath came easier. "Thank you."

"Pardon me," a voice said.

Yelis, the yellow-skinned Twi'lek midwife, walked into the room and grinned at them, showing off sharp teeth. With her was the man Anakin had very mixed feelings about; Din Djarin.

"Would you like to meet your ade, Skywalker?" Yelis asked.

"The babies are here?" Anakin leapt to his feet. In his periphery, Paz and Silk rose as well. "How's Padmé? Is she alright?"

"Babies and mother are fine," the Twi'lek said. "There were no complications with the births."

"Thank the Force," Anakin said, feeling another knot in his chest unwind.

"If you'll all just follow me," Yelis said.

"Just a moment," Din interjected.

He stepped toward Anakin, and Anakin tensed.

"I know you want to hold your babies," Din said. "And I know your riduur would be happier if you weren't in binders. Can you control yourself?"

"'Alor," Paz protested.

Din held up a pacifying hand and watched Anakin.

Anakin wanted to snap out an affirmative. Of course he could control himself around his wife and children. But an icy chill ran down his spine like a premonition and he paused. Anakin closed his eyes and took stock of himself. That dark little whisper was quiet at the moment, but he could feel it coiled at the back of his mind. He felt Ahsoka's hand on his arm, then Rex's shoulder against his. He wasn't alone. Anakin opened his eyes and met Din's measuring gaze.

"I will control myself," he said.

Din nodded and released the binders.

The Force flooded painfully bright back into Anakin's awareness. Ahsoka blazed like a sun next to him, and Rex's presence glowed like a candle, warm and welcoming. He felt holes where Jedi had once shone and the echoes of betrayal that still resonated mournfully in the Force.

I did that, he thought. Those wounds in the Force are my fault.

Anakin took the binders from Din and handed them to Rex.

"Just in case," Anakin said, meeting his first-in-command's eyes.

Rex nodded in return.

Anakin turned to Yelis—who, to Anakin's surprise, glowed with her own faint Force-sensitivity—and said, "I'd like to see my wife and babies now."

The Twi'lek nodded. As she led them from the room, Anakin saw Din pause to speak to his two warriors, clearly relieving them since they didn't follow him down a hallway. Yelis stopped next to a door and gestured for Anakin to enter the room.

He paused in the doorway and watched Padmé. Her hair was damp and little curls clung to her cheeks and forehead. Her dark lashes lay heavily against her cheeks. He was struck again by one of the many reasons why he loved her so. Anakin walked to the bed and sat down carefully, not wanting to wake her. Rex and Ahsoka lingered in the doorway with Din and Yelis behind them.

Padmé's eyes fluttered open as he cupped her face, brushing his thumb across the little mole on her cheek.

"Good morning, angel," he murmured.

A tired smile lifted her lips. "Ani."

She turned her head and Anakin followed her gaze. To the side of Padmé's bed sat two raised cribs, a tiny bundle nestled in each. Anakin's breath caught in his throat and his heart thudded painfully in his chest. He rose and walked to stand over the cribs. Both babies were swaddled in white blankets with yellow caps on their heads. On one cap, a single star was embroidered in orang-gold thread. The other cap sported two stars.

Anakin removed the glove from his flesh hand and gently brushed his fingertips against the cheek of the baby with one star on the cap. The little one turned toward the touch and smacked her lips.

"Leia," Padmé crooned. "Our daughter."

Anakin ran his fingers across the brow of the baby with two stars on his cap.

"Our son. Luke."

Tears welled in Anakin's eyes and he turned back to Padmé. "They're perfect."

She smiled back at him, tears streaming down her own cheeks. "They are."

Anakin beckoned Rex and Ahsoka into the room. Ahsoka hurried to the bed and hugged Padmé, rasping congratulations. Then she returned to the doorway where Rex hesitated, grabbed his hand, and dragged him over to the cribs.

"Aren't they perfect?" Anakin asked.

Ahsoka gently brushed a finger down each baby's nose. "They are."

"They're tiny," Rex said.

Anakin looked at his friend and grinned. Rex's voice and Force-presence were tinged with terror. The man who'd faced down General Grievous and hordes of Separatist battle droids without breaking a sweat was cowed by two soft little babies.

Ahsoka looked at Anakin, then Padmé. "Can we hold them?"

Anakin thought it would be okay but looked to his wife for confirmation.

Padmé smiled and nodded. "Make sure to support their heads and keep them close to your body."

Ahsoka gingerly picked up Luke, cradling him against her chest and rocking slightly.

"Hello, Luke," she whispered.

"Do you want to hold Leia?" Anakin asked Rex.

He gulped. "I . . ."

"You should hold her," Padmé encouraged.

With a little trepidation of his own, Anakin picked up Leia, pressed a kiss to her brow, then passed her to Rex. The captain took the little bundle with care and held the baby to his chest, but he stood stiffly as if unsure what to do from there. Leia squirmed in his arms and started to fuss.

Ahsoka snickered and bumped Rex with her hip. "At ease, ori'vod," she teased.

Rex cast her a sheepish grin and started to sway like she was doing, bouncing the baby gently. Leia settled with a sigh.

Anakin felt a little stab of resentment and ruthlessly shoved it away.

"Are they always this small?" Rex asked.

"Generally," Padmé answered from her bed. "But it can vary a bit."

Anakin moved to sit next to Padmé on the bed watching his closest friends hold his children. Padmé took his hand in hers, her thumb brushing gently across his skin. She laced their fingers together.

"We're going to be alright," Padmé said softly, just for him.

He lifted her hand to his lips and pressed a kiss into her knuckles. "Yes, we will be."

Mando'a:

Al'baar'ur - doctor

Baar'ur - medic

Udesiir - relax, take it easy

Ade - children

Riduur - spouse

Vod'ika - little sister

Ori'vod - big brother