A/N:
!VERY VERY IMPORTANT!
In what is perhaps the most important author's notes I have ever written, I want to put a trigger warning at the beginning of this chapter. There is a moment in the chapter that will talk about
ATTEMPTED SUICIDE
!-?-!-?-!-?-!
If this is a topic that is difficult or dangerous for you to read about the passage in which these events play out will be marked at the beginning and end as such
Suicide is an international epidemic and is not something to be taken likely. If you struggle with suicidal thoughts please find a local support group, call your local helpline, or book a therapy session so a licensed professional can help you move through them one step at a time.
-TheTransifguredCanary
Chapter 6
Smithson smiled as Severus fiddled with the hem of his sleeve and James tapped his foot anxiously.
"So. Who wants to start?" the man offered with a smile. The pair swallowed and tossed wary glances at each other than the Mind Healer. The man saw them and sighed. "Look. I know you both have been working well with individual therapy, you especially Severus." the man said with a gentle smile and nod in the austere man's direction. "But you both have communication issues." Smithson admitted with a slight frazzled note to his voice "and besides. Nothing we discuss here should be things you keep from each other. There is only so much I can do. When you go home, you have to help each other."
"It's just… well we don't really know what to talk about." James admitted with a wince. "We've already talked in length about Severus' nightmares… and I've been telling Severus more about my upbringing…"
"And what about the other way around?" Smithson asked. James frowned.
"I don't have nightmares? Leastways not about deep-seated trauma. I did have that weird one about drowning in a lake of molten cheese the other night… but I'm pretty sure that was a sugar dream." James said with a wince. Smithson took a deep breath and leaned back.
"Fair enough. Severus?" Smithson asked. The man swallowed thickly.
"No, I haven't discussed my childhood with James." Severus admitted. The man looked at his husband worriedly.
"I don't want him to have to relive that day Smithson.'' James said quietly before he took off his glasses and tousled his hair as was his normal nervous tick. "It was horrible" Smithson frowned.
"I said nothing about his teen years," he said. "Severus, What was your father like when you were very young? Say five or six."
"He…" Severus began with a slight hitch to his voice before he cleared his throat and started again. "To be quite frank he was almost never around… He lost his job when I was about seven. Before that, I barely ever saw him. When I did see him…" Severus trailed off and shook his head. "Well, everything changed when I turned seven."
"What happened?" Smithson asked.
"My first bout of accidental magic… it was two days after my father lost his job."
"Talk about bad timing." James said with a wince.
"What happened?"
"He broke all the bottom left window panes and set all the upholstery in the house on fire." James said with a grimace. Smithson's eyebrows shot up and he looked at the dour man. Severus had a slightly smug if strained smirk on his face.
"They say your first bout says something about your proficiencies." Severus said, "I am quite good at curses after all." Smithson chuckled slightly before he hummed in thought.
"Let's put that aside for now. I'd like to discuss something else."
"What is that?" James asked.
"The year of 1980" Smithson said quietly. Both men paled.
"Erm…" James began quietly. "That wasn't a very good year."
"No. It wasn't." Smithson agreed. "As I understand it, It was the year that you both received the greatest trauma of your lives."
"We've… never really talked about it." James admitted quietly.
"I know," Smithson said. "which is why I'm saying you should now. Well, not talk. Instead, show us." Smithson said before he stood up and turned to one of his cabinets. After a few minutes, he returned with a well-worn Pensieve. James seemed to sag with relief. Severus meanwhile tensed a bit. "Who would like to go first?" Smithson asked, eyeing Severus. The man didn't seem very forthcoming, so James leaned forward.
"Honestly it'll be much easier to show you rather than explain." James admitted before he put his wand to his temple and pulled away the strands. They fluttered down to the Pensieve giving it all a silvery glow. With that, the trio leaned into James' memories.
The first thing Severus noticed was Harry crying. It was a very familiar cry, and he felt as though he was plunged into a bucket of ice.
"Shh! Shhh, Harry, oh please stop crying!" the young James hissed in a slight panic even as he tried to swallow down the audible lump in his throat. The man was scrambling to fish a key out of the mailbox while keeping Harry's overstuffed bag on his shoulder and properly support the squalling infant. Just as he reached the key towards the lock the door to the Tudor cottage opened then there was Lily Evans staring at the frozen shocked heartbroken man in front of her.
"Oh… you're… you're still here?" James asked in slight shock.
"I live here, Potter." Lily said with a bland look.
"Well yeah, I know we lived here but…" James began before Harry let out another particularly loud whimper and began crying again. The man frantically began hushing the baby. Lily blinked before she crossed her arms.
"What are you doing here Potter?"
"Well it's my house, and I needed somewhere to stay…" the man said slowly. "I didn't expect someone to be living here. I figured you'd have cleared off.'' James admitted with a frown.
"The divorce contract didn't say anything about the house I didn't think you'd ever be back… especially not with…" she looked down at the infant and frowned harshly "what I'm guessing is your son?" the look of contempt was venomous "Who'd you get to carry you kid then"
"For your information, Severus did." James snapped angrily. Lily swallowed roughly.
"Oh right… that new potion that was invented." she said with a bitter snort. Then she huffed again. "You still haven't told me why you're here… where is Snape anyway?" she asked. James sagged a little then hunched his shoulders again as the crammed bag started slipping off his shoulder.
"I… can I please just come in. This bag is heavy and I woke Harry up from his nap." James said tiredly. Lily eyed the pair for a second before he stepped back. James stepped onto the house and sighed. Not much had changed from the time that he had lived there with Lily. A few pictures were gone and the place smelled a bit more fragrant, likely due to the various flower pots Lily had scattered about. It wasn't that James hadn't liked flowers when they'd been married; he was just much less good at keeping them alive. He dropped the bag onto the plush chair then began rocking Harry and making soft shushing sounds. Lily watched him, arms still tightly crossed, from the doorway. After a while, she cleared her throat.
"The nursery upstairs is still there... " she said quietly. James turned to her in slight shock.
"I… it's fine I can transfigur-"
"Potter it's fine." Lily insisted in annoyance. "No one is using it anyway. And that way you can explain why you came barging into my house."
"Technically it's my house.'' James reminded with a frown. Lily snorted and shook her head before moving past the doorway and down the hall to the kitchen. James sighed before he slowly went up the stairs. The trio of watching followed him up. Severus watched with a dejected air as James finally managed to settle Harry down to bed yet again, knowing that the main reason for his discomfort was the small black dog left to sit in the little crib on Godwin Way. Severus suddenly felt the weight of every one of the seventeen years that the small plush would sit in that crib. It seemed like such a long time ago now that Harry had rediscovered his oldest comfort that day just two months after Voldemort had been vanquished for good. Finally, Harry was asleep, breathing ever so softly that way that had always made his young parents nervous. James had his hand resting on the baby's chest just watching it rise and fall. Finally, the young man choked and started crying. He quietly sobbed into his hand, stifling his cries so as not to wake the baby. At some point, Lilly came upstairs and quietly opened the door. She saw Harry, curled up and softly snoring around his father's hand while the man came undone. Eventually, she frowned and slipped away, letting the door close silently behind her. Severus frowned and stepped through the door. Sure enough, thankful from James' Auror training, knowing that if the man had not possessed it, there would be nothing but a white fuzzy recollection of known scenery behind it, Severus watched as Lily stood just behind the door. She was frowning, but Severus knew that was likely James, and admittedly as well as his own, current assumptions of who she was. For all they knew Lily Evans had shed a few tears of her own that night. Eventually, she did turn and walked down the stairs. Younger James followed through the door soon after, followed Mind Healer Smithson and older James, who was frowning.
"What was that about?"
"She stood outside the door for five whole minutes." Severus said quietly. He heard a voice and quickly went back downstairs.
" -leave. Just give me a few days to pack." Lily said quietly from the center of the living room. James shook his head as he watched her from the chair when he had dumped Harry's things
"No Lily it's fine really… I'm sorry for being snappy." James said he rubbed his eye under his glasses with a ragged sigh. "I've had a rough afternoon…"
"I noticed." Lily said quietly. James sighed again and pushed his glasses off his face so he could palm his slightly puffy eyes. "What happened?" Lily asked eventually. James removed his hands and righted his glasses again before looking at Lily with a pained sigh.
"Severus… betrayed me." James said quietly. Lily frowned
"He cheated on you?" Lily asked. James blinked at her.
"Wha- what do you think I would do something like this for something like that? No! We'd have a bloody row but I wouldn't take Harry if it was something like that Evans!" James huffed before he sighed again. "He's joined the Death Eaters."
"He what?!" Lily asked in genuine shock.
"I saw the mark on his arm… he's joined You-Know-Who." James said with a quiet sob. Lily took a few steps and sank into the couch beside James' chair in slight shock.
"What are you going to do then?" Lily asked after a while.
"I don't know.'' James admitted. There was no sound but the crackling of the fire in the hearth for a while before Lily stood.
"I'll just clear my things out of the master-"
"No no Lily. I'll stay in the spare bedroom. That's what it's for anyway." James insisted. Lily looked at him for a moment with a slightly worried frown before she nodded.
"Tea?"
"Please." James said with a tired sigh. With that, the memory dissolved and swirled around them. Eventually, it reformed on the living room once again, though it was apparent that several days had passed. For one thing, Harry was awake and much happier than he had been when he'd first arrived, for another Evans was much less stiff around the boy and his father. For another, someone Severus didn't much like was sitting on the sofa with James, while someone he now liked a lot more watched the trio with a contemplative look.
"Can I just say it?" Sirius finally said with a huff.
"Say what Padfoot." James asked quietly.
"I told you so."
"Sirius!" Remus hissed.
"I did! I warned you!" Sirius insisted with a frown. James just sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose making his glasses glint slightly. That immediately caught little Harry's attention who made a grab for them with his slightly sticky fingers and managed to pull them slightly askew before Lily came back into the room with a tea tray and swooped in for a rescue. She gently removed Harry's hand from James' now smudged glasses and picked the boy up.
"Nap time?"
"I can do-"
"It's fine Potter." Lily insisted before stepping out of the room with the infant. For some reason that made Severus's skin crawl and he desperately wanted to follow the woman, knowing of course that James would have no recollection of what the woman had done in the nursery unless he followed her too. The younger James for his part seemed about to do just that but Sirius grabbed his attention.
"Anyways it's a good thing you took Harry when you did."
"Why?" James asked.
"Because V-"
"Sirius!" the pair hissed angrily.
"Oh.. right… sorry… old habits." the man admitted sheepishly making Severus roll his eyes in irritation. "Anyways, apparently You-Know-Who has been taking all of his followers' firstborn children and training them to be child soldiers."
"That's only a rumor." Remus insisted with a frown.
"That's not what it sounded like when I heard Parkinson talking." Sirius said quietly. "We had him in interrogation on Thursday. He didn't have anything that useful, slimy snake, but he did claim that some people had come to his house demanding his daughter claiming to be from You-Know-Who. Not that I would understand why. Apparently, his daughter is really ugly looking. Maybe they want to use her for target practice?" Sirius joked with a snicker. Remus frowned and shook his head at the man. The memory slowly spun before settling again seemingly later in the day.
"Why does it worry you?" Lily asked with a frown.
"It… it just does, Okay." James said with a huff "I wouldn't expect you to understand.'' Lily's shoulders slumped, though her face didn't lose its irritated scowl. "What if people come looking for him…" James insisted "what if Severus comes for him?"
"You think Snape would sell his own son?" Lily asked with a frown.
"I don't know...maybe not himself… but he might tell people about him." James said quietly.
"Well then what do you want to do to fix it?" Lily asked. James frowned in distress.
"I don't know, maybe make him look different? Make it so there'd be no way he was Severus' kid." James offered.
"What do you wanna do, bleach his hair?" Lily asked with a snort.
"Well, I don't know! Aren't there charms that can alter a person's appearance?"
"Nothing permanent." Lily said quietly.
"But there are potions that are permanent right?" James asked quietly. Lily frowned.
"Yes… though most of them are illegal… how do you even know that?"
"I married a Potions Master who became a Death Eater, remember?" James said flatly. "What if you made a permanent potion and tied a charm to it?" James asked. Lily frowned in thought.
"That… might just work…" Lily admitted. "What would you want to change?"
"I don't know…" James admitted. Then suddenly he looked at Lily. "You."
"What?" Lily asked.
"We make him look like you.'' James said. "Not everyone knows we've divorced yet. It's only been a little over a year. As long as we tell everyone involved so they're in on it, we can pass Harry off as yours and mine!" James said with a wide smile. Lily didn't smile. In fact, she looked a bit sick to her stomach. After a while, James' smile fell. "I… sorry I got over-excited… we don't have to do this if you don't want… I'm sure we can think-"
"Let's do it." Lily finally said. James blinked at her then smiled a little
"Are you sure?" the woman nodded and James leaped up and gave her a hug "Oh thank you, Lily!" The woman was a bit stiff and patted his back gently.
"Just tell me what you want to ch-"
"His eyes." James said. Lily blinked.
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Give him your eyes," James said with a serious nod. "Your eyes are very distinct, no one would look at him and not think you were his mother." The look on Lily's face was strangely pensive. After a while, she cleared her throat.
"That might have some lasting effects when he's older you know. Eyes are tricky…"
"Well if he needs glasses I'll just take him to my optometrist." James insisted. Then he paused. "He won't go blind right?"
"No Potter. But he probably will need glasses." Lily said with a snort. James sighed.
"Well that's not so bad then!" the man insisted as he walked out of the living room. Lily stared after him and his face wavered a little before returning to the gentle scowl that James had imagined would always be on her face. In the slight waver though Severus saw a multitude of insecurities fly across the woman's face. Suddenly the world shifted. Lily was holding Harry, trying not to look stiff as James cautiously served tea to one very seemingly out-of-place Albus Dumbledore. Severus' heart broke a little as he saw the man smile down at the small infant adjusting his glasses a little so a fleck of light danced in the small boy's face, inciting a loud chorus of giggles.
"So… to what do we owe the pleasure professor?"
"Please James, you've not been my student for several years now. Call me Albus." the elderly man said with a gentle smile as he put five spoons of sugar in his tea.
"Right Albus… sorry." James said with a slightly nervous chuckle. The aged wizard sipped his tea and his smile fell slightly.
"It's bad news, I'm afraid."
"Bad news?" Lilly asked with a worried frown.
"Yes… there's been a prophecy delivered." Albus said quietly.
"A prophecy?' James asked in confusion.
"One that foretells the end of the war." Albus said cryptically.
"Well that's good isn't it?" Lily offered with a smile.
"I'm afraid you all have become targets as a result of it." Albus admitted with a sad frown.
"What? Us?" James asked in slight horror.
"I'm afraid so my boy." Albus said quietly.
"What do we do now?" Lily asked.
"Never fear my dear. I will use all of my power to help protect you." Albus insisted before he stood. The two adults and infant by necessity followed the old man towards the entryway. Halfway there he stopped and looked back with a gentle smile. "Oh yes! An old friend asked after you Lily."
"Who?" she asked quietly.
"Severus Snape." the man said with a gentle smile. "He was the one who alerted me to this… crisis." Albus said quietly. James and Lily both paled a little and the man turned away.
"Wait!" James began. The old wizard turned back to the man with a raised eyebrow.
"Yes, James?"
"What… what does the prophecy say exactly?" James asked. Albus sighs sadly.
"It tells of a boy destined to defeat the Dark Lord, born as the seventh month dies, born to two parents who have thrice defied the Dark Lord, who will be marked as his equal and have a power the Dark Lord knows not." Albus said quietly. Lily seemed to perk up as she heard that but James paled dramatically.
"Well… that's quite a bit to swallow." Lily said quietly. Albus gave her a sympathetic smile and patted her shoulder.
"Never fear my dear. You have many around you who will be there to defend you all." the old man insisted as he crossed the threshold.
"Thanks again, Albus." Lily said before she closed the door behind the old man and gave a sigh of relief. "If he only knew right!" she cried before walking back into the living room and frowning as James starred in the fire, shaking slightly. "What?"
"It… it really could be Harry…" James said quietly.
"What? No, it couldn't!" Lily said with a snort. "His other father is a Death Eater. That's pretty far from defying You-Know-Who." James turned back to the fire. Severus already had a lump forming in his throat. He too knew why the prophecy applied to his son, having discussed the matter at length with Albus over the years.
"He tried to recruit Severus a few weeks after we started dating at Hogwarts." James said quietly. Lily froze and stared at the man. "Sent McNair with a letter. I begged him not to go." James said with a slight waver in his voice. "And he didn't." the man said, looking at Lily. The woman let out a puff of air. "He tried again when we got married…" James admitted with a frown. "But Severus didn't go. He sent me a letter, saying he would wait… I'm guessing he found the letter I'd given him in his yearbook." James admitted with a sigh. Severus winced slightly; feeling the weight of that ring's long wait as well. Oh, what a fool he had been. "Now he's gone to Albus."
"Okay so maybe the thrice defying parents bit fits, but you said Harry was born in April, that's not exactly the seventh month dying." Lily offered with a strained hopeful smile. James turned to her, still carrying the small boy they were discussing.
"Severus only carried Harry for seven and a half months." James said quietly. All the air left Lily's lungs in a rush and she stared at the man in horror. "It's why he's so small…" James admitted with a pained smile, tears collecting in his eyes.
"So… it really could be him." Lily said quietly looking suddenly terrified.
"Yeah… it could.'' James said with a ragged breath before he sat on the sofa and seemed to come apart. Lily cautiously stepped forward and offered the man his son. The speed at which James took Harry and cradled him made Lily flinch a little but eventually, she sat beside the sobbing man. Harry wasn't much appreciating the squishing he was receiving and made an annoyed noise of discomfort. James lessened his hold slightly and rubbed his eyes.
"Don't worry. You heard Albus. He's got a little army waiting to protect him. We'll keep him safe." Lily instead.
"You promise?" James asked her, suddenly looking very serious.
"I… what?" Lily asked, confused.
"Lily… if anything happens… promise me you'll keep Harry safe." James begged. Lily stared at him slightly taken aback.
"I… yes… I will…" she finally said before she looked up into the man's eyes sternly. "I promise" the world became a kaleidoscope then with many colours dancing around in a nauseating blur but above it, Severus could hear the shouting.
"Lily! Take Harry and go!"
"Potter!"
"James!"
"Scividicus!"
"Avada kedavra!"
And suddenly the trio were back in Smithson's office. James was staring at the Pensieve in shock.
"I… I never realized that I heard Peter as well." He said quietly. Smithson nodded reassuringly.
"Part of the reason I like to use a Pensieve in cases like this is that sometimes we remember more than we thought we did." The Mind Healer explained before he turned to Severus. "Do you have something you'd like to show Severus?"
"I… I'm not sure I can relive it." Severus admitted quietly. "I'm not even sure if I can remember it at all. But…" he looked over as James and sighed. "I suppose I still owe you an explanation."
"An explanation for what?" James asked.
"For why I left Harry with the Dursleys." The man said tiredly. Then he put his wand to his temple, drawing out a dark cluster of threads. They floated down to the Pensieve light as any other memory, but once they touched the surface a thin sheen of frost collected at the liquid's edge, the swirling memories within looking dark and foreboding. James swallowed heavily and gave Severus a weary look before the three of them plunged into the memories.
James looked out over the scenery and recognized it immediately. Hogwarts. The astronomy tower. And standing by the railing, gripping it with white knuckles was Severus Snape. 20 years younger. He was pale, visibly tired, and notably thin.
"Severus." Albus suddenly said startling James. He turned around and watched the elderly wizard walk up beside the dark wizard. "I have done as you asked."
"Where?"
"I think it best you not know."
"Why is that?"
"Well you did, after all, ask me to hide them from a man you are bound in service to." Albus said, giving the young Potions Master a rye smile "it would be rather counterproductive to hand said man their location on a silver platter."
"You doubt my skills in Occlumency? Coming to you alone is treason enough Dumbledore." Severus snarked. Albus chuckled.
"Not your skill, dear boy. Merely your current mental state. You have a good heart. And it is prone to worry." Albus said. Severus scoffed in disgust.
"You know nothing about me."
"I know you spent many days agonizing over your mastery proposal. That you were the last to be shooed from the library when The OWLs rolled around. And the one found in the library after hours the most out of all my students. You practiced duelling with a zeal seldom seen in even the most passionate of Auror hopefuls. And all to get an edge over your opponents. You are a very proud young man with a thirst to prove that you're more than what everyone has always expected of you. And I know that you will succeed." Albus finished grandfatherly smile and twinkling eyes firmly in place. The young Severus stared at him, flabbergasted. Then he looked away.
"You might." He muttered. Albus chuckled.
"Perhaps you should have a little more faith in your own skills, Severus. Instead of worrying about what everyone else sees." The older wizard said before he gave Severus a gentle pat on the shoulder and walked away. The memory swirled to a stop as Severus had tensed slightly gritting his teeth in a grimace of regret. The memories slowed down until James gasped. Severus was sitting in one of those awful chairs in courtroom ten, not those terrible gibbets with the spikes he'd been so opposed to, but still shackled. He was staring straight ahead, eyes blank, unseeing.
"He is a Death Eater and must be held responsible!" Barry Crouch screeched, gobs of spit flying about while various other members of the Wizengamot shouted in agreement.
"Responsible for what!" Hammond Prakash, a shockingly familiar face that struck James with a painful nostalgia, cried. "responsible for attempting to save James and Lily Potter from death? Responsible for risking his own life to provide Albus Dumbledore, and by extension the Ministry, with valuable information that has been crucial in saving hundreds of lives? This man has provided you with more opportunities to arrest terrible criminals in the last year than Alastor Moody Has in the past decade!"
"If he's got the Mark he must have sworn his allegiance at some point!" One member cried out even as others began to falter.
"Regardless of any past allegiance." Albus interrupted, coming to stand beside a frantic-looking Hammond "his current allegiance is clear." Albus turned to Severus and gave him a soft look. "More than that, I feel it would be a terrible waste to send one of the greatest Potions Masters of the recent centuries to rot in Azkaban simply for making a youthful error he has since come to regret."
"Be that as it may-" Barty Began looking cross.
"Be that as it may," Albus interrupted, " I know that allowing a known Death Eater to walk freely would lead to no shortage of public outcry. Which is why I propose that he shall come to Stay at Hogwarts."
"Hogwarts?! To be among the next generation? Poisoning them with Dark Arts and the like?!" One particularly ornery female Wizengamot cried, whom James instantly recognized as Jane Umbridge. The apple didn't fall far from the tree with that one.
"Oh no." Albus said, as though the very idea affront him. "So that I can keep an eye on him. I already have a Potions Master on staff. Think of it more like house arrest. I can put him to work on restocking the hospital wing and assisting with our Potions Professor's demonstrations and experiments. As a preparation assistant of course." The Wizengamot turned into a buzzing hive then. Crouch even turned his head to hear what they said. After a while, he thumped his gavel a few times. After a quick look around the room, receiving several nods the man sniffed.
"Very well Albus. But we want a full report on everything he does. And he's not to be around any of the students."
"Never fear Barty." Albus said with a gentle smile. Then he turned to Severus who hadn't moved since he'd been placed in the chair. "Come along then Severus." He said before removing the shackles. That startled the Potions Master who blinked up at the man. Then he stood and followed the man without a word. The memory swirled around a bit more before it slowly came to a stop again. And something was wrong.
!-?-!-?-!-?-!
"Severus." James whispered. The older man took a deep breath and shook his head. The whole memory had a fuzziness around the edges. The young man in the memory was staring at a photo of James and Harry, smiling and waving, with not a care in the world. He had a smile as well, but his glazed eyes gave away that all was not right in the world. Even less than the fact that he was sitting on the stone floor of his quarters. Slowly the photo slipped from his fingers and he frowned. Staring at his finger in confusion. Then the door opened.
"Severus I-" the woman who stepped in said. She wasn't someone James recognized, with straw grey hair and an austere pointy face that rivalled McGonagall. "Severus?"
"Hi, Agatha." The young Severus said with a dreamy smile "how are you?"
"Severus… what have you done?"
"Hmmm? Oh, I think I took a vial of belladonna extract."
"What?!" She cried.
"Yes, it was right there after all. I can't feel my legs anymore." He said as though he was discussing the weather. "So it won't be much longer now I don't think. Paralysis starts just before the seizures right?"
"Sweet Merlin!" The woman shrieked before she dashed out of the room again. The memory started to waver slightly, flashing in strange black and white and splashes of colour and with each flash, Severus seemed to be convulsing. James started crying and covered his mouth in horror. Severus stared at it all with bitter regret. The last thing he remembered was the Potions Mistress, Poppy and Albus rushing into the room, and staring down at him with worry and concern.
!-?-!-?-!-?-!
As that faded away the trio reappeared in Smithson's office. Smithson leaned forward and handed James a box of tissues which the man decimated. He was inconsolable even as Severus' reached over and tried to calm with gentle words. Each sentence seemed to make him weep all the harder. Severus eventually let his hand fall away. He grimaced and wished now that he hadn't admitted his greatest regret. Smithson saw this all and took a deep breath.
"Did you ever make an attempt on your own life ever again Severus?" He asked.
"No." Severus whispered quietly. "But I was in no fit state to care for myself in those days. Belladonna is quite potent and its effects can hit a weakened immune system quite hard. I was unable to walk for several weeks, and my magic took even longer to recover. The truth is that I was fearful that taking care of Harry would be too much on me." Severus admitted quietly. "I was worried caring for him would stir up those same painful feelings that had driven me to those dire actions the first time would resurface. I thought it was better for everyone involved that I simply leave things the way they were."
"Oh god, Severus I'm so sorry." James sobbed. Severus looked at him regretfully.
"You are not the one to blame James. I was depressed for a very long time. Your death just made it all… too much." Severus muttered quietly. James pulled the man into a hug and held him tightly as he sobbed, assuring himself that his husband was alive and whole and there with him. Severus for his part simply rubbed his back and took deep breaths. Each breath seemed to simultaneously calm James and make him cry again, though whether in relief or sadness neither the Mind Healer nor the Potion Master could discern. Finally, James stopped crying, wiping his eyes with the last of the tissues.
"Severus. I need you to be honest, have you had any suicidal thoughts recently."
"Not since five years ago." Severus said quietly. James blinked.
"Albus?" He asked quietly
"Yes." Severus said with a sigh. "I seriously contemplated hanging myself that first night. But I knew that if I had, someone else would have been put in control of Hogwarts. I spent much of the year pushing forward for the students… when Nagini-'' he cut himself off, touching his neck with a faraway look "I could have fought back. There were plenty of options. Any number of ways out… but I didn't." He looked at Smithson with a swallow "I just stood there." The Mind Healer gave him a thoughtful look.
"Do you resent Harry for saving you?"
"No." He said with a frown. He looked down "I never resented Albus or Poppy for saving me either. Not even Agatha, well not for that anyway." He said as he sneered, remembering the overbearing old hag and her nitpicky and condescending ways.
"What happens now?" James asked quietly.
"Now?" Smithson asked before he looked at the clock. "Now we start discussing how you both can move forward, then we'll wrap things up and I'll see you both next Thursday." James blinked.
"Isn't… isn't there some potion regimen that Severus has to start taking?" Smithson frowned.
"We stopped prescribing Cherri's Potion for marginal cases more than a decade ago. Do they still prescribe that in the states?"
"Yes." James said then he blinked and slumped "what are the side effects?"
"Headache, nausea, dizziness, disorientation, shortness of breath, delirium and deja vu." Severus recited off like a textbook.
"Fuck you, Peter." James snarled.
"Do you have the name of your Mind Healer James?" Smithson asked with a scowl "I'd like to have their license, if they even have one, revoked… and possibly burned."
"I'll see if I can find it." James said then he looked at Smithson again. "So Severus doesn't need anything?"
"He's of no danger to himself as far as I can tell at the present time." Smithson said giving the man in question a reassuring smile "if he and I feel that that has changed he might need more sessions and could possibly begin a potions regimen. But as of right now he needs nothing more than emotional support and a good night's rest. Today has definitely been draining."
"It has." Severus agreed for he looked at the Pensieve again and slowly retrieved his memories.
"I don't know how you can walk around with those in your head.." James admitted. Severus frowned in thought.
"They helped make me who I am. And while I regret every one of them, those actions have defined my life and every life around me." Severus explained quietly.
"It would be easier to go through life pushing all of our memories away into a comfortable little box so that they're distant and don't affect us as much. Severus could explain that to you better than most given his proficiency in Occlumency." Smithson said, giving the dark man a coy smile. "But doing so stops us from learning from those experiences or allowing us to move on past them. We need the good and the bad to be the best we can be."
A/N: So I just made everything very very dark. But then I suppose everyone knew this story wasn't supposed to be cute and soft all the time right? It's about deep-seated trauma and the ways we move forward and how they come to light.
The next chapter will go back to being cute and lighthearted I promise
For the first half anyway
I want to reiterate what I said about seeking help whenever you have suicidal thoughts or tendencies. And for anyone who needs to hear it, I promise you that the world is a better place with you in it.
Please be sure to stay hydrated, stay safe, and wear a mask.
-TTC