Chapter 6: In Name and Blood
Hotch held the paper in his hand as he stepped back to sit in the window seat. He looked down at the envelope and the letter that he'd been reading and re-reading for the last twenty minutes.
The letter that Haley had so conveniently left for him on top of the gun safe he kept on his bedside table. The letter that explained why his house was void of Haley, Jack, and all of their belongings. The letter that told him that he might never get them back. In it, words that he could barely comprehend.
That this had been coming for a long time (if so, why hadn't she said something sooner).
That he never put his family first (as if the work that he did had nothing to do with his wanting to make the world a safer place for Jack AND Haley).
That he was absent for so long he had no idea who his son was (again, the sacrifice that he made so that his son could grow up in a world that was just that little bit safer).
That Haley was done trying to make up for his absences (leaving him no option for redemption).
When he'd come home to find an empty house and that damn letter, Hotch's first thought was to drive straight to Jessica's house and try to talk Haley into coming home with him. That thought was strong enough that he'd actually run back downstairs, jumped into the driver's seat, and taken off down the road.
But about five minutes into the drive, he'd realised what Haley had been trying to get through to him with her actions.
She was pissed.
And when Haley was pissed, she needed space. By moving herself and Jack to Jessica's house, Haley was screaming at Hotch to give her that space. With a sigh, Hotch pulled the car over to the side of the road, his hands gripping the steering wheel so tight that his knuckles were white. He let the steering wheel go, while simultaneously letting go of the breath he'd been holding, feeling the tension leave his body. While he looked out of the front window of his car, Hotch let his mind go back over the events of the last few days.
His conversation with Strauss – his suspension. He felt the rage appear for a moment, and let the feeling sit in the pit of his stomach.
Haley's insistence that this was a good thing for their family. Another momentary feeling of rage as he considered the fact that his wife didn't know him… after all this time, she still seemed to forget that this job had become who Hotch was. It wasn't just something that kept a roof over their heads. It was in his blood. In his soul. The time away from his family was a sacrifice that he had to make. The whole team made sacrifices... every day. And that thought took Hotch down another road.
Prentiss' sacrifice… sacrifices… first by resigning from the Bureau in an attempt to save him, second in allowing him to convince her to come back, and then her final sacrifice of the day, when she went into that house without back-up, to get them the evidence they needed to enter. Her actions, every single one of them, just highlighted the fact that the team needed her. While Hotch had doubts about his own future – that of his job at the Bureau and that of his marriage and family – he had no doubts when it came to Prentiss' place at the BAU.
Hotch looked down at the clock on his dashboard and let out a sigh. He reached down to turn the key in the ignition and started the car back down the street. He might not be able to go and check on his wife and child, but he could at least make sure that Prentiss was ok. Or as ok as she could be with a head injury.
Hotch pulled his car into the visitor's bay and climbed out, taking off his jacket and tossing it onto the passenger seat before he closed the door and hit the locks. He'd only been to this building yesterday, and here he was again, though this time, he wasn't completely sure of his reasons. He leant against his car while he processed his logic, wanting to make sure that he knew what he was doing before he chose to walk into that building.
When he got home from Milwaukee, he found out that his wife had left him. Taken his son and moved out of their home.
So the question was, what he was looking for by visiting Prentiss' home. Was it really to check on her, or was he just hoping to delay the need to process what Haley leaving really meant?
Hotch shook his head and rolled his eyes. It was pretty simple.
Prentiss was smacked in the face with a 2x4... because Hotch had asked her to come back to the team. And it was Hotch who had given her the green light to go into that house.
After taking a deep breath, Hotch pushed himself away from his car and started the walk up to the front door of the building.
Within minutes, Hotch was reaching up his hand to knock on the red door, and moments after that, Prentiss was opening that door.
In a moment that felt like déjà vu, Hotch furrowed his brow.
"Can I come in?"
Emily sighed and stepped back, gesturing for Hotch to come into her home. She watched as he paused in the hall this time, standing by the entry way to her small office vestibule while she closed and locked the door. When she turned back, Emily saw Hotch waiting, and led the way down to the living room. She waited for Hotch to take a seat on the closest end of the couch, before she sat in the other corner, turning her body slightly so she could face him.
"I can't say I'm surprised to find you at my door," Emily started, "But I promise you, I'm fine, Hotch. You don't need to worry about me."
Hotch sat forward on the couch and rested his elbows on his knees, staring at his hands for a moment before he looked Prentiss in the eyes.
"You got hit in the head with a plank of wood," Hotch replied dryly, "I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't come to check on you."
Emily rolled her eyes, "Trust me, this is not the worst injury I've had so far, and it's not the last one, of that I'm sure."
Hotch let out a sigh, "Did the hospital give you the all clear?"
Emily nodded, furrowing her brow and leaning over to pick up the letter from the doctor and handing it to Hotch, "And in writing, no less..." Emily paused, watching Hotch peruse the paperwork in his right hand, while the thumb of his left hand absentmindedly played with his wedding ring. Emily casually glanced at the clock on the stove and frowned, wondering if she should test these new boundaries that she had been building with her friend.
"Uh… Hotch," Emily started, waiting for him to look up from the sheet of paper before she continued, "Why are you here?"
Hotch frowned, dropping the paper on the coffee table in front of him and taking a moment before he looked Emily in the eyes, "I just came to see if you were ok."
Emily tipped her head and nodded to his unconscious fidgeting, "It's nine o'clock on a Tuesday night, and instead of being at home with your family, you're in my apartment checking if I'm ok."
"What are you suggesting, Prentiss?" Hotch asked, a warning in his tone.
Emily shook her head, "I'm not suggesting anything, Hotch," she replied quickly, and earnestly, "I'm just trying, and failing obviously, to let you know that you can talk to me."
Hotch studied her face, contemplating what it would be like to talk to someone, anyone. Could he trust Prentiss? He had trusted her with his job, knowing from her actions that she would rather leave the team she had worked so hard to join. And now she was offering space to trust her with his personal life. Hotch wasn't good at trust, but Prentiss had started them down that road, and now he was thinking he could take them further. Part of him wondered if that was a good idea, if Haley would be mortified to find out that he was opening up to another woman, no matter how innocent that opening up was. But Hotch knew that he needed to process what had happened, and couldn't think of anyone else in his life that he could trust with this information.
"I need to talk about something, but I need to believe that it can stay between you and me," Hotch started, looking up nervously, "But you have to know that I don't... I'm not much for sharing."
Hotch rolled his eyes subconsciously. He hoped he didn't sound like too much of a loser who had no one else in his life to talk to about this. In fact, Hotch wondered if he could just tell Emily to forget it, and run out of there. A bottle of scotch would erase his memory of this exchange.
Then Hotch looked up, and instead of seeing pity or fear or embarrassment in Emily's eyes, he just saw kindness. Concern. Compassion.
Emily nodded, encouraging Hotch to continue, and trying to keep her face as free of emotion as possible. The last thing Hotch needed was to feel ashamed at doing what every other human did when they were struggling - reaching out to a friend. So Emily knew she had to keep her face as straight as possible and offer a safe space for Hotch to talk. Of course, she had her suspicions about what had happened since they got back from Milwaukee, but she didn't want to let Hotch in on her thoughts. It would be far healthier for him to say the words out loud.
Hotch sighed and looked back down at his hands, continuing to unconsciously rub his thumb over his wedding ring.
"Haley left… while we were in Milwaukee," Hotch started. He paused, waiting to see if Prentiss would stop him or say something in reply, and when she stayed silent, Hotch continued.
"She had been so excited at the prospect of me leaving the BAU, and got pretty upset when she saw me looking at the crime scene photos. And then when I spoke with Morgan and decided I needed to go to Milwaukee, she made her point of view pretty clear - she didn't want me to go," Hotch explained, "So I shouldn't be surprised. And I know she needs me to give her space."
Hotch paused, wondering if he should share his suspicions that Haley might have been unfaithful, but he decided that he'd shared enough for tonight. Besides, all he had were suspicions. So he decided that that was enough... for now.
"What do you need Hotch?" Emily asked, "You get to decide things too."
Hotch looked Prentiss in the eyes and furrowed his brow, "I know that I need my family, and I need my job…" Hotch replied, "But I can't see a way to make both of those work together."
Emily frowned, "Can I be honest with you, Hotch?"
"Of course, Prentiss," Hotch replied, gesturing for her to continue.
Emily smiled sadly, grateful for Hotch's trust in her, even if it meant she was about to say something Hotch might not appreciate, "It takes two for a relationship to work, and it takes two for a relationship to fall apart. Yes, your job might add pressure that other people's relationships don't have, but you are incredible at what you do and I can't imagine you being ok with giving that up," Emily paused to gauge Hotch's reaction thus far, and decided to continue, "What you have to decide is if you have the strength to put in the work in your relationship with Haley, and – more importantly in my opinion – what kind of example you want to provide to Jack."
Hotch sighed and sat back, "I want to fight for them," he said softly.
Emily smiled sadly and nodded, "Then you know what you need to do now, Hotch."
Hotch nodded and stood from the couch, he looked down at his feet and shoved his hands in his pockets.
Emily held up her hand, "I didn't mean now now, Hotch... maybe get a good night sleep first."
Hotch huffed and nodded, "Sorry... I know... I just realised that I came here under the guise of checking in on you and ended up offloading all of my personal problems onto you."
Emily shook her head - silly man - and stood from her own seat, copying Hotch by pushing her hands in the pockets of her jeans, "Please don't feel weird by my saying this," Emily started, "But I consider you a friend, as much as a colleague... so you never need an excuse to stop by to talk."
Hotch looked up at Emily and studied her face. The set of her jaw, the confidence in her eyes. She meant it. They were friends.
"Thanks for listening, Pr… Emily."
Emily nodded and smiled, "Thanks for trusting me... Aaron."
Hotch smiled softly and started the way down the hallway, reaching the front door before he turned back to Emily, "I'll see you tomorrow."
"See you tomorrow," Emily replied softly, watching him walk out and the door closing behind him.
Hotch made his way out of the door and paused for a moment, thinking back over his conversation with Emily. She was right – he couldn't walk away from the unit now. Being a profiler, being the Unit Chief, they weren't just jobs, just things that he did to fill the hours between nine and five so he could pay the bills. They were a part of who he was. So giving that up wouldn't solve anything. In fact, giving that up would make it all so much worse. So now he just had to figure out how to show Haley that, even without him walking away from the BAU, he would never walk away from their family. He was in it for the long-haul.
Hotch nodded resolutely and started down the hall towards the bank of elevators. As he pressed the button to go down to the lobby, Hotch smiled, grateful that he and Emily had just crossed that threshold from colleagues to friends.
The elevator arrived and as the doors opened, two men stepped out, one older and distinguished-looking, with a receding hairline and wire-rimmed glasses, the other, early twenties with thick, dark curly hair. He offered them each a polite smile, furrowing his brow as he noticed that their faces both seemed familiar. The older man - his face Hotch had seen before... but where?
Hotch stood back and watched them head down the hallway, stopping in front of Emily's door. The younger man knocked and a moment later the door opened.
"Hello sweetheart," the older man said as Emily threw herself in his arms, "You had us worried."
Hotch furrowed his brow, realising that he was being rude, spying on one of his agents… on his friend… so he climbed into the elevator and waited for the doors to close.