End note AN: If you'd like to find what Emily's necklace looks like you can take a look at University of Washington's Library for Quileute artifacts. While I don't condone white institutions holding native art and materials, the photographs were helpful.
It was raining heavily today, but the weather wouldn't deter me from what I needed to do.
"Come out Jacob, I NEED to talk to you! Now!" I yelled from the otherside of the door, tipsy and ready to take a crowbar to the flimsy metal if he didn't listen to me. Luck however, wasn't on my side, because said door wacked me in the face as he burst out the door.
"Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry Bells." He pulled me up from the floor where I had fallen so unceremoniously. There goes my graceful entrance. "What's up?"
"I figured it out. I don't care Jake, but… Are the wolves the reason for the murders?" I figured I'd cut straight to the chase, but Jake was looking at me like I had lost my mind.
"No, of course not. Why would you think that?"
"Well, I wasn't sure, but Charlie said it was bears… But if it wasn't the wolves, who was it? Also why couldn't you tell me?" He sighed and ushered me inside to the couch and I plopped my sore butt into the old furniture. I was impressed with my ability to articulate thought, it was better than when I was sober.
"There's a bloodsucker here that has been hunting in the area. Not a bear, or a Cullen. I couldn't tell you because Sam, the alpha, commanded us to not speak of it. When the alpha gives a command it's physically impossible to utter the words, but now the cat is out of the bag. Let me call Sam, you can meet the pack. We can explain things more thoroughly."
"So this gang is a pack? Of werewolves? There's a vampire? Who?" He really wasn't doing a good job at explaining things.
"Yes. Shapeshifters, not full moon stuff." He was dialing a number and walked into his room to talk. He was still being so brisk with me, and I didn't know why. Could he smell the alcohol on me? I could hear words that sounded like I know, not my fault, and please. Why he was begging, I had no clue. I got up to try to listen to him, but I could discern nothing else.
"Alright, let's go to Emily's, they will meet us there." And he unlocked his Rabbit, waiting for me as I stood dumbly in the doorway before recovering control of my limbs and following him.
The ride was short and soon we were parked in front of a quaint dark wooden home with a white porch and a matching door. It was one story and had bushes lining the porch. I guess this was Emily's.
"Don't stare when you see her, Sam doesn't like it." But Emily didn't mind apparently? Only Sam? Sam sounded as prickly as he was. I returned Jake's look and we hopped out of the car in sync. Before we could knock on the door, A beautiful woman with scars on her face, a blue beaded necklace, a loose white blouse, and beige capris walked out on the porch, accompanied by a shirtless man wearing only jean shorts who was maybe an inch taller than Jacob. His hair shared the same long silky quality as Jake's. They must be Emily and Sam.
"You must be Bella." Sam spoke while giving me a stern, but not negative, look.
"And you must be Sam. It's nice to meet you." I nodded in acknowledgement and he did the same, I wasn't in a hand shaking mood.
"I hear Jacob has made it past my command that outsiders must not know of us."
"Only because he spilled the beans before he became one of you." I sounded confused saying this sentence, I didn't know what they usually used to describe whatever had happened.
"He changed and became part of the pack not too long ago. How about you come inside and meet everyone else."
"I made some muffins if you'd like one, Bella." Emily gave me a warm smile as I stepped inside. The boys were nice, if not rowdy, and I felt at home here.
Similar to the last time I had a "meet the family" experience, I was not one of them. I would never be one of anything, not anymore. I could not become a werewolf and I would never become a vampire. I was doomed to the world in betweens, weird enough to know but not good enough to join. At least Emily was the same, but I was the "vamp girl." I knew in my heart I would not be welcomed to the same extent she was, not only because of my time with the Cullens but also the fact that Sam had imprinted on her. I could not be imprinted upon when my heart lay with a missing lover who never loved me back.
My thoughts caused my energy to go down, but no one seemed to notice. They went into conversation about the vampire they had been tracking, Victoria was apparently still after me, and I told them about the Cullens and advocated for them even though they would never know it. I worried about Charlie's safety more than my own, but hoped that Thursday's events would cause Victoria to back off if the wolves didn't get her first.
Sooner than I was ready for, dusk approached and Jacob took me back to my truck. The goodbyes were friendly and welcoming, but they wouldn't have to put on that facade for very long. I had a question I forgot to ask at Emily's.
"So, when Paul mentioned taking out that other v-blood sucker, was he talking about Laurent?" Jacob looked over at me in confusion.
"Laurent? You knew him?"
"The one from the meadow, 5 wolves came out and chased him away. He had a run in with the Cullens last year, I - I heard about it." I didn't want him to know Laurent's coven tried to murder me.
"Yes, we killed the leech. It was quite easy, don't look so worried Bella. Not even a scratch on any of us."
"But.. he was a vampire!" He sighed.
"Bells, that's what we do. We kill vampires, that's why we exist. To protect our tribe in a way a normal human can't." I nodded in response, letting that sink in as I said goodbye and hopped in my truck. He had explained the treaty and I knew from the legends I read that their tribe had many previous encounters with vampires, and their shapeshifting ability was almost like an evolutionary trait, like how people's noses are different to better protect them from the elements.
By the time I got home I was too sad to even think about doing anything. I didn't smoke, or self harm, or do anything but stare at my ceiling from my bed. My bed was becoming a cage, too small and too reminiscent of happier days. Days where I was naive. Tomorrow was the beginning of spring break and I assumed Jacob would expect me to hang out with him and the pack, if not out of enjoyment but because we had apparently made up. Bella from before the movies would have been ecstatic, but now I just felt like I was forming new unnecessary relationships that would be ripped apart very soon. I felt like I was manipulating their hearts, but I convinced myself they are only involving me out of pity. It had to be pity, because I wasn't worth being friends with otherwise. Right?
I found out that now Jacob was a wolf he had a strict no weed rule, from Sam. Drinking was ok, but didn't happen often. With Victoria in the area, it wasn't a good idea for them to be inebriated in case they needed to chase, or hunt, her down. So instead of getting high with Jake on Monday, I followed around like a lost puppy while he hung out with his new, and better, friends. It wasn't that they didn't try to include me, or that I didn't like them, but I didn't want to form that connection.
The pack got me to tell them about his mind reading gift, Carlisle's compassion and self control that allowed him to work as a doctor, and Jasper's ability to feel emotions which made it particularly hard for him to kill humans. I didn't mention that his control was also the weakest, and I was able to skirt around Alice's gift. It had been days since I made my concrete decision and she hadn't come, and I didn't want to add any additional animosity between the pack and the Cullens for their histories.
I honestly had no solid reason to continue to defend them, but I could guess that it was the tiniest amount of hope that they'd come back. My doubt, however, was far larger. All the emotions and thoughts swirling around my head had me feeling like a string tied in knots but also stretched thin, like Eva Hesse's work "Right After." Except this was right before. The days before my last.
After leaving La Push, I called Erik. I never called him, but this was urgent.
"Bella, are you ok?" Why was my dealer asking if I was ok? Right, I never called.
"Yes, I was wondering if you could do me a favor. I need some liquor, I could do more rum but a 750ml bottle this time."
"Sure thing, when do you need it by?"
"Would tomorrow be too soon after I get off of work?"
"Nope I got it, I can run to the store tomorrow morning." I knew he had a fake, and he knew when my shift ended. It was a small town, and he was friends with Mike. He'd figure it out if he didn't.
Tuesday I went into work at Newtons, set on putting on a mask of normalcy. Sadly, this included ignoring Mike's obtuse attempts at getting my romantic attention, but I played nicer than usual today. It would be the last day I saw him. It was nearing the end of my shift and I was utterly exhausted, and I realized as Mike got shy that I had made a grave mistake being kind.
"Hey Bella, would you want to go somewhere Thursday? It's nice to see you happier, maybe we could go to dinner?" I flinched visibly when he said the day, but I don't think he noticed. Maybe he did, but I was beyond caring.
"I'm sorry Mike, I'm busy on Thursday. Promised Jacob we'd hang out all day. Big adventure, maybe another time?" I knew there would be no other time, and I knew the mention of Jake would boil Mike's blood. I was right, I could almost hear his teeth clench.
"That's alright, maybe after Spring Break then." and with that horribly messy interaction over with, I clocked out and drove to Erik's to pick up my booze.
Erik met me by my truck when I pulled up and we exchanged cash for a plastic bottle of Captains. I was going to spend the next two days drunk off my behind if I could help it. Nothing mattered anymore, right? He gave me a look before I drove off that conveyed some amount of worry, which confused me.
Charlie had ordered pizza tonight, and greeted me with a grunt. He really had started slacking on making sure I was ok, which made me feel bad for the shock I was soon to give him. He genuinely thought I was doing better and soon I was about to majorly disappoint him. The fact that he had thought I was doing better already, however, made me also feel like he didn't really care.
I poured myself a diet coke and left about half the glass while I finished dinner, and cleaned up. I took the coke up with me knowing Charlie wouldn't think much of it.
"Night, Dad."
"Night, Bells." He came up the stairs after me and started his nightly routine, while I practically chugged rum and used coke as a wash. I had no idea how much I was drinking, but I left more than half of it for tomorrow night. After I heard Charlie go to bed, I did my own night routine, went downstairs to rinse out my cup and refill it with water, and headed to bed.
The alcohol hit soon after, and it was a blessing I didn't puke.
I spent the next day outside, soaking up the calm before the storm and my last day on earth. I told Charlie I was tired after work yesterday and was going to spend the day at home when he called around 10 from work. He said they were going to be out all day looking for those bear tracks and didn't think he'd make it home for dinner tonight or the next few nights. All the better for me, I guess.
I read my favorite books, and mourned the life that was taken from me when Edward left. Nothing could add to my pain anymore, and saying his name only felt like a pinprick now. When the night came, I went upstairs and chugged my rum until there was only a small bit left. This time I puked once, and was grateful Charlie was asleep when I did. I was too drunk to think.