Whoops, sorry I did not mean to forget to upload a new chapter on Friday but, in my defense I left my job on Friday and started a new one today so it's been a crazy time. Anyway, here's the chapter I owe you all, and you'll get another one Friday if I'm not stupid again!
Kira: "Never Mine"
After the party, where all the drama went down, I didn't hear from Austin for a while. To be honest, since everyone at that party had heard what Ally said, I was lying low and trying to avoid people for the most part. I didn't blame her for what happened, but I also couldn't really blame myself since I hadn't known they were together. What was I supposed to do, ask him if he had a girlfriend? I figured if he got in my car and kissed me the answer was a solid no. And, to be honest, since it was Austin Moon I figured it was a solid no. He didn't seem like the relationship type.
And I felt like crap about it, but it felt a little…good. Austin Moon had picked hooking up with me over his relationship? Multiple times? I hadn't ever thought of myself as ugly or fat or whatever other words girls use to put themselves down but I wasn't exactly the biggest fan of myself either. I saw flaws everywhere I looked, inside and out, so for this beautiful, popular boy to think I was hot enough to make out with and risk his relationship for… that felt good in the worst way. I wasn't proud of it but I couldn't pretend I didn't feel it.
I didn't really expect to hear from him for a while anyway. But the memory of what it felt like to hook up with him stuck with me. His touch, his kiss, it was all such an intense memory and I craved more even though it seemed unlikely that I would ever get more of it. Especially since I didn't even have his number.
So I was surprised when I ran into him at the mall at the beginning of August. I was trying to duck in and out quickly to return a purchase for my mom, but as I was rushing out of the mall entrance, I knocked against someone's shoulder and when I turned to apologize, I realized it was Austin.
"Oh I'm sorry I… oh, hey…" I said, startled.
If anything, he looked more shocked than I did. I could see a variety of feelings moving across his face before the window closed and he relaxed into an easy grin.
"Hey, Kira, how's it going?"
Well, if he was going to play it cool, so was I. I pushed my sunglasses up on my head and said, "It's good, just running some errands for my mom. What about you?"
"Well, I wasn't planning on running into a beautiful girl, but that's the sort of event that changes somebody's plans." His grin had some off-putting quality to it that I couldn't identify, but I was caught so off guard it didn't even register in my mind.
"Um, grab a coffee with me then? We can go hang out on a bench at the park."
His smile faltered at the mention of the park, and he just said, "Nah let's grab coffee and sit in my car, that way we can sit in the air conditioning."
We walked, mostly silently, to the nearby Starbucks. I ordered my usual iced coffee and he copied my order. I tried to capture an easy banter with him and joked, "What, have you never been to a Starbucks before?"
"Eh, coffee isn't really my thing, I'm sure you have better taste than me anyway," he said, shrugging nonchalantly and grinning at me.
"Probably the only thing I have better taste in than you," I joked. Self-deprecating jokes were an easy go-to and I could tell he would take the opportunity to compliment me further, so I let him.
"Oh come on, certainly better taste in clothes and probably better taste in boys," he joked right back, and he actually winked at me. I just rolled my eyes and played along.
It turned out Austin was parked behind the mall, and when we got in the front seats he started the car to blast the air conditioning. He had been right, it did feel a lot better than sweating in the blistering midday heat.
It was quiet for a moment, so I fired the opening shot. "So last time I saw you things got a little, well, dramatic."
He raised his eyebrows at me, before saying, "Cutting straight to the point I see. I like that. Yeah it was awkward but whatever, right? She got the wrong idea of what was happening between us."
It was my turn to raise my eyebrows. "Normally you're such a good liar."
He turned away, a muscle tightening in his jaw. He didn't seem like he was going to answer so I put a hand on his arm as I said, "It's okay to make mistakes Austin. We're seventeen, that's what we're supposed to be doing with our teenage years, making mistakes while we still have the safety net of our families. And Ally will get over it, it was just a summer thing, right? It'll all blow over and you'll both live happy successful lives and it'll be water under the bridge."
The muscle in his jaw relaxed and he actually smiled at me again. "I think there were about half a dozen platitudes in that beautiful speech, but thanks. If I'm being honest, I've been beating myself up a bit but… maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself."
I took a long sip of my coffee and he filled the silence by asking, "So what have you been doing with your summer?"
I let out a low laugh. "Mostly avoiding your friends lately."
He grimaced a little and said, "Yeah, me too." He looked down at where my hand was still on his arm and then he flipped his hand so that my hand was in his. I didn't know what to do so I didn't acknowledge the contact, but he leaned towards me just slightly and put a hand on my leg. "Maybe we can… avoid them together?" he said in a softer, gentler tone. It was hard to mistake what he meant but I turned towards him with a question in my eyes anyway.
And then, for the first time in our short 'relationship,' Austin kissed me first. It was an exploratory kiss, testing the waters to see whether I was interested. But there was that touch I had been craving and now there was nothing stopping me from enjoying it. I managed to put my iced coffee into the cup holder before I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer. Before I knew it we were climbing into the back seat.
When we were both panting and I realized my mom would be wondering where I was, I said, "I should probably get going."
Austin just leaned back, pushed the hair off his forehead, and watched me. Because I needed to feel a little in control in what had otherwise been an utterly out of control day so far, I asked, "Do you want to swap numbers? Like you said, we're both hiding out. Might be more fun to hide out together." He nodded and we swapped phones. Then I grabbed my bag and my coffee and slipped out of the car.
And that's how it started. I wouldn't call it regular, exactly. I would text him and sometimes he would be around and sometimes he wouldn't. We kept meeting up in the back mall parking lot, and I was, well, to put it bluntly, obsessed. I couldn't get over how good it felt to be wanted by him and how good everything he did felt. I cancelled plans with Brooke and friends from my own school, hoping he would text.
When he did text me first it was usually late at night, if his parents were out of town for a night. I'd sneak out and wind up in his bed, tangled in the sheets with him. It was a wild plot twist compared to the summer I had been anticipating. The days slipped by in this blurred whirl of kisses and hands and staring at my phone.
Only once did we go out in public. I managed to convince him to come to the beach, and it didn't take a lot of effort. That afternoon gave me hope that maybe, just maybe, Austin could be mine. We laid out in the sun and just talked for once. He was back to the boy I had first met, honest and conversational and sexy all at once. He wasn't trying hard to be flirtatious or hit on me, but it felt comfortable.
That night we sat in the backyard of his parents' house with a bottle of wine he told me they wouldn't miss. We passed it back and forth, sipping straight from the bottle like heathens and loving every minute. I watched the fireflies dance on the grass before I asked, "What's on your mind?"
"Mmm just thinking about how… up and down this summer has been."
"Is this… is this an up or a down?" I asked, not sure I wanted to hear the answer.
"Oh, an up of course," he said lightly and it didn't take a genius to hear the lie under it.
"Summer is so mysterious. It's just like a vacuum of time that sucks everything into it and then it's gone and unreal when we go back to school," I commented, covering the hurt I knew was on my face if he cared to look.
"God I hope... I mean obviously it's great to just lay around and mess with the music I've been writing but I do better with a little, uh, direction I guess." Apparently we had had just enough wine that it was starting to make him honest with me, but I knew I couldn't handle much more honesty out of him. It was a harsh reminder of how little I probably meant to him.
But the next hookup wiped those thoughts from my mind and I relaxed back into the ease of our physical relationship. I wasn't an idiot, though. I knew a booty text from a romantic one. And I could hear in his words and see in his face when he thought I wasn't looking that I wasn't the one he had wanted to be with. I guessed he hadn't stopped beating himself up over Ally and, if our experience was anything to judge by, I was just his average hookup and she had been something special.
I tried to keep myself from caring, but it was impossible. He had burrowed his way into his heart despite all of his indifference. When I sent a "Good luck with school tomorrow" text the last night of summer and he never answered, my heart broke a little. But I knew what I had said to him that first day in his car was true. We would both move on from this and I would be fine again. Someday.