London, England – Caustically Beautiful

John hurried into the building, his coat flapping behind him, and reached William's side in a second. His hand on the other man's shoulder had William jumping almost a foot in the air but John only removed his hand when he noticed the tremors. Tremors not from him but moving through the other man's body. "Are you alright?"

"She…" William pointed over his shoulder. "She's in a bit of a mood, sir."

"And that's got you shaking like a leaf?"

"No, he's shaking like a leaf because my photographer wants to take pictures of me in the nude for a spread." Anna came over to them, wrapping in a dressing gown. "And I heartily agreed to the idea."

John frowned, looking between William and Anna before settling back on William, "And this is troubling to you?"

"The boy's overly sensitive about things like this I think." Anna nodded at William, "You can feck off now snowflake and let those with sexual experience talk."

William turned to John and only left after John gave him a nod. Then he was out the door with enough speed to almost leave a cloud of dust behind him. But that would not have held John's attention for even a second as he rounded on Anna.

"That was uncalled for."

"So is his opinion in this studio or about anything I choose to do."

"I don't give two shits what you choose to do but I do expect that you'll respect my employees as they do their job and protect you." John straightened, noting the tremor now in his hands. He curled his fingers into his palm. "William's nerves were what they were."

"Unprofessional?"

"The result of inexperience, be that your business or not." John paused, "Which it's not, by the way, and I don't appreciate you ragging on him for it."

"I didn't rag on him for it." Anna pointed back toward a dressing room. "In fact, the moment he started shuffling like a toddler needing the loo about the spread I told him to go where he could hide his head in the sand. I was very respectful of his 'inexperience'."

She put quotation marks in the air around the last word. "If him closing his eyes as I bare all for a spread makes him bad at his job that's not on me."

"Ms. Smith," John swallowed, digging his clipped nails into his palms. "I would prefer, in future, that you'd warn me and mine about plans like this so we can better prepared for the ramifications of them."

"Or is it so that those of you who wanked to me as teenagers can do it again like a private show?"

John tightened his jaw, "We're all professionals in this business."

"Except little William, apparently." Anna shrugged as John kept silent. "But that's your business. Mine is to finish getting ready for this shoot."

She pivoted on her heel and almost walked away before turning back over her shoulder. "If you've got anyone else you feel it absolutely necessary to call so I can be guarded to the best of your ability, I'd suggest you do it now."

John tried to ease his breathing as Anna walked back toward the dressing room but in a moment he crossed the distance to follow her. Her voice had barely instructed him to enter after his knock before he had the door closed. The expression of confusion on her face only slowed John for a moment as he came to her chair.

"Ms. Smith, I'd like to make something perfectly clear and I do hope I can cut through the veil of bullshit under which you tend to take cover so you don't mistake anything I say now." John took a breath, "What I said to you in the car last week was said in confidence. I can't claim it was professional or made me overly proud to admit but it was the truth. If you're determined to use that knowledge against me or you continue to wield it like a weapon then I'll ensure that Mr. Crawley finds you a suitable replacement as your bodyguard. I won't allow it to prove a distraction or a point of friction in our relationship or a way for you to prod at me when you're feeling like you want something or someone to kick when you're down."

He waited but Anna only stared back at him, her expression almost completely blank. "Further, as I said out there, I'll not abide you insulting any of those who work with me. They're here to protect you and if you're constant needling of them, their work, or their personal lives continues to make their jobs difficult then I'll have to ask Mr. Crawley seek another firm willing to protect you."

"Because you're blood brothers with those who work with you?"

"Because they deserve better than to be treated as if they don't matter." John straightened, rolling his shoulders back. "Whatever grievances you've got with those who've wronged you, that's none of my business. But I won't have it spilling over to effect the work I'm here to do."

"Wow." Anna sat back, turning her chair to fully face John. "I'm impressed you found the courage to say any of that."

"Why? Because everyone's terrified of this Dragon Lady version of yourself you've concocted to try and keep everyone at bay?" John shook his head, "I told you, I've not got time for the bullshit you feed other people."

"No?" Anna stood, her height barely more imposing than when she sat but her tone moving into the same territory one assumed in a fight. "Isn't that your job?"

"My job is to protect you, not shovel any shit you spew." John held her gaze. "If you're looking for a fight then you've come to the wrong place."

"What? Not up for a little tussle?"

"I don't tend to fight people outside my weight class."

"Afraid you'd be punching above your weight?"

"Hardly."

"Then go on." Anna opened her arms to him. "What are you waiting for?"

"Excuse me?"

"Do I need to spell out the challenge?" Anna raised an eyebrow at him. "I'm right here. Go ahead."

"I don't work like that."

"Then maybe you're in the wrong business."

John did not have time to respond as the door to the dressing room opened. Both of them turned to see who entered and the photographer took a noticeable step back at the weight of two withering glances. She swallowed and pointed at the camera in her hand. "We're… We're ready for Ms. Smith."

"Good." Anna shrugged out of her dressing gown and stuffed it in John's hands. "I'd hate to waste anyone's time."

John, still holding the dressing gown, watched Anna walk out of the room with the photographer. Throwing the dressing gown onto Anna's chair, he followed them out the door and tried to force his breaths through his nose. All the effort yielded was a snorting akin to the breathing of a bull before charging at a matador but it was all that kept John focused as he took up his position. A position Anna used to her full advantage as she refused to break eye contact with John throughout the shoot.

Each pose she assumed forced John to keep her in his line of sight. And as the shoot continued, Anna taking the direction of the photographer with enthusiasm, it only grew worse. Every opportunity she had to lift an eyebrow, purse her lips, or taunt him from across the room was utilized to its fullest extent until John was sure the imprints of his nails in his palm were permanent.

But the torment eventually stalled and then stopped as the shoot finished. It took everything John had not to sigh with relief as Anna moved back to the dressing room and he trailed behind her to take up position outside her door. A second later it opened and Anna, wrapped in her dressing gown again, beckoned him inside.

"I'm perfectly fine out here, Ms. Smith."

"What if there's a murderer in here?"

"I checked it before and no one entered your dressing room while you were being photographed. It's clear."

"You're sure?"

John bit back his response to her taunt but not the roll of his eyes as he entered the space. Ignoring the impulse to only perform a perfunctory search, John took his time investigating the small space before he stood near the door. "It's all clear Ms. Smith."

"You're sure?"

"Yes." John went to leave the room when Anna snorted. With a sigh, John faced her again, "Is there something else Ms. Smith?"

She scoffed, "Are you truly that thick?"

"Excuse me?"

"You…" Anna shook her head at him, "Do I have to strip for you again or can you not take the hints laid out like a road map?"

John frowned, "Road map?"

"Yes." Anna said slowly and John's blood rose at the condescension in her tone. "The road map to exactly what I'm proposing."

"Ms. Smith I-"

"If you say anything close to 'I don't think I understand', I'll think about stuffing a fork in an electrical socket." Anna crossed one leg over the other, her dressing gown sliding down her legs. "I think you know exactly what I'm proposing."

John swallowed, "It's unprofessional."

"Hence why I sent away the little bodyguard and made sure he sent for you." Anna used the ball of her foot to sway her chair slowly back and forth. "I'm not making this offer to anyone else, if that's what worries you."

"It's not."

"What then?" Anna pointed at herself, "The goods not good enough for you?"

"You know the answer to that."

"But do you?" Anna leaned back, "Because I think what makes you angry is that I'd even propose this kind of thing at all."

"It infuriates me, yes."

"Why?"

"Because you obviously don't take the work I'm doing here seriously and it makes me wonder if you take yourself seriously."

"Spare me." Anna waved her hand, "I've not time for pity."

"I wouldn't dare pity you, Ms. Smith." John risked a step closer to her. "Just as I won't even consider taking advantage of someone obviously suffering the way you are."

Anna's face hardened. "Excuse me?"

"What you're proposing is a defense mechanism. For whatever reason, it's none of my business and I don't care, you want to try and sabotage me to make yourself feel better."

"Then the idea that I might want to have sex with you because I fancy you is completely out of the question?"

"It is because I know it's not sincere."

"No?" Anna opened her dressing gown and John could not stop his mouth going dry at the sight. "Do I seem sincere now?"

"Ms. Smith-"

"I could fire you, if that takes the question of professionalism out of it." Anna adjusted in her seat and John shifted his pose. "Or am I not allowed to want something like this because I'm damaged goods?"

"You're not damaged goods."

"And yet you're-"

"My hesitancy's got nothing to do with what happened to you." John leveled a finger at her. "Don't try and pin that reasoning on me."

"Then do you just need a minute or should I assume it's just a coincidence that you're obviously interested?" Anna's eyes flicked toward John's trousers. "It wasn't difficult to see when I was posing earlier either."

"Doesn't mean I'd do anything about it."

"No?"

"No. But since you're making the proposal," John leaned over, his hands going to the armrests of Anna's chair to put his face close to hers. "I wouldn't make a decision like this when you're obviously on a knife's edge."

"I beg your pardon?"

"You're looking for a way to escape." John nodded, his eyes following hers. "It's there, in your eyes. You're looking for all the ways you can back out now or pray that I'll let you go and back off."

"I never-"

"Yes, you are." John nodded again, more slowly this time. "I know the look of someone trapped when they realized they played with something they weren't ready to handle but they're too afraid to admit it."

"I'm not afraid of you."

"And you'll never have a reason to be." John held his pose and only moved forward enough to whisper in Anna's ear. "But when you are ready for me to take your offer seriously, when you're serious and not just trying to goad me so you feel less guilty about acting the horrible person, I promise that I'll make sure you remember it."

"Will you?"

"Of course." John's lips almost touched her ear, "You'll never forget it."

"Big words." John drew back, noting the rise and fall of Anna's chest.

"I'm a big man and it's all proportional." John allowed himself a smile. "And when that moment comes, I'll be inside you and I'll make you scream."

"Promises, promises."

"I'm good for them." John straightened, pulling at the cuffs of his sleeves. "If that's all, I'll be outside until you're ready to leave."

Yorkshire, England - Reality

Lowering the book, John almost missed Anna's snigger. "What?"

"I can almost feel the heat from your face." She put out a hand and John leaned into it, "If I'd known you'd be that nervous reading aloud I would've waited."

"We had the carriage to ourselves so…" John shrugged but did not move away from Anna's touch until she lowered her hand. "But I guess I'm not used to reading aloud… Or, at least not used to reading content like that aloud."

"It's a shame."

"How's that?"

"You've got a lovely voice." Anna smiled, shifting to make herself more comfortable on the train seat. "Don't tell Gwen but I prefer your reading to hers."

"She'd eat me alive if she knew that." John tucked the book away. "So your secret's safe with me."

"Good." Anna sighed, "I miss it."

"Gwen reading to you?"

"Looking out a train window and seeing the passing scenery. Even when it gave me a headache it was worth it."

"I think trains are one of the best ways to travel when you want to see a lot of a country in a short period of time."

"Me too." Anna grinned, "I traveled over Europe like that. And India, but part of that was because I was poor and slumming it as much as I could to see as much of a single country as I could in a month."

"India sounds like an adventure."

"It was everything I could've hoped for and more." Anna's fingers reached out to scratch at Bernie's head. "It's one of the things I miss most about losing my sight."

"Not seeing it again?"

"Not trusting if my memories about it are right and no way to check if they are." Anna shrugged, "I can't even look at the pictures I took again. And whenever I think about them all I can think is that they're a pile of memories I tried to capture so I wouldn't lose them but I lost them all anyway."

John ran his thumb over the pages of the closed book in his hand before speaking. "I don't want to say anything trite, or make you feel as if I understand what you've endured, because I don't, but all I've got to offer is whatever empathy I've got."

Anna smiled, hiding a little snort in a laugh, and reached out a hand. John took it and accepted the squeezing motion Anna passed on before she released him. "The fact that you want to say something means a lot more than anything you could've said."

"Really?"

"Really." Anna nodded, her other hand running through Bernie's fur until the dog's eyes closed as he lay on the seat next to her. "I hate when people try to give me platitudes or say that it'll all be alright if I just stay positive."

"That sounds annoying."

"It's the absolute worst." Anna shook her head. "Mary used to be a big offender about it but then she realized it wasn't helping so she went back to being herself."

"Is that better?"

"It's more normal and there's nothing worse for someone who already feels different than to have people act differently around them." Anna opened her hands as if to frame herself. "We already know we're different."

"Then…" John tucked the book into his knapsack. "Can I ask you something?"

"I've a feeling you've got more than one thing to ask me."

"I thought I'd start with one and then see where we could go from there."

"Well, given that I've snooped on a few on your conversations, I'd say it's only fair." Anna got comfortable in her seat. "What's got your curious?"

"You mentioned, yesterday, that Mrs. Crawley's the reason that you're blind and…" John swallowed, "I'm curious what you meant by that."

"You mean you're curious if Mary blinded me on purpose?"

"I was worried this might be a bit Tangerine but I didn't want to assume."

"It wasn't intentional, if you think that Mary's a psycho or something."

"Never crossed my mind."

Anna huffed, "Then you're better than about a hundred men at a dozen bars who shot their shot with her and couldn't take the rejection she handed them."

"Fragile types?"

"Aren't most young men?" Anna waved whatever answer John would have given away. "Point is, Mary's a lot of things but she didn't do this on purpose."

"Car accident?"

Anna nodded. "Slick roads and unexpected road construction." Her voice grew quiet and John noted the way Bernie's ears perked up slightly at the pause in Anna petting him. "I remember a very bright light, a lot of flustered conversations, something I found out later was an emergency surgery to try and save my face, and then a recovery period where the detachment of my retinas went unnoticed until there was no way to fix it."

"No one noticed?"

"Not when they were trying to stop swelling in my brain and hoping that the spiderweb of fractures along my skull wouldn't cause brain damage." Anna pursed her lips and then shrugged. "It's actually a consolation prize, of sorts, that the only thing I lost after a head-on collision with what I think was a wrecking ball was only my sight."

"I'm not sure if I should suggest it was lucky but given what I've studied about neurodegenerative diseases and the steady decline of brain function…" John winced, "It is lucky that you're still functioning the way you are."

"It's not all perfect. I still get tremors in my hands sometimes and, for the first year or so, I had physical therapy to try and relearn certain functions." Anna's face fell and she attempted a smile but it failed. "The worst part, besides the seizures I used to get, was the memory loss."

"After something like that it's amazing you recall anything from that night."

"Those weren't the memories I lost."

John frowned and then made an 'O' shape with his mouth. "You lost memory from long-term storage."

"Yeah." Anna bit at her lip. "Unfortunately for me, they were the memories from the last year of my father's life so, along with the memories I'm losing because I can no longer see, I've lost the last memories I ever made with the greatest man I've ever known."

She tried to laugh but it broke John's heart to hear the way it caught in her throat. "How's that for the most depressing train ride you've ever had?"

"Ever?" John thought a moment and shook his head, "Oh no, not the worst by far. This one was one of the… tragic seems a little dark for this so I'll just say 'pitiful'."

"Pitiful?"

"In the Biblical sense." Anna's raised eyebrow had John hurrying to explain. "In the Bible the term 'pitiful' refers to being full of pity. Someone who is pitiful wants to bestow that pity on someone."

"I don't need pity."

"But there is something to pity in your story. Something dear and tender and important was lost." John paused, "Those are things worthy of pity."

"But not me?"

"I could never pity you." John watched Anna's expression soften. "But I can pity what you've lost. I can ache for what life has cost you."

"Especially since it's seemed to take its pound of flesh from someone as appealing as myself?" Anna's tinkling laugh stole John's answer before he could think about it.

"I find you very appealing." Anna's fingers froze in Bernie's fur and John's mouth wen dry with the shame as the weight of his words settled on him. "I meant-"

"What you said, I hope." Anna's hand reached out and landed on John's knee. He did not move as she traced from his leg to find his arm and then his hand. Her fingers wrapped around his and held there. "Because, as unprofessional as it may be to say, I happen to find you very appealing as well."

"You can't even see me."

"But I can hear you. And…" Anna's fingers eased their hold, gracing over John's skin in slow, gentle strokes. "I can feel you."

"You can." John risked scooting forward just enough to send Anna's fingers further up his arm. "If you want."

"I do want." She traced from his palm to the inside of his elbow and back. Another series of stroke has her fingers running over the sleeve of his shirt to his shoulder and then across his neck to trace the line of his jaw. "And I wouldn't mind feeling more of you."

"I-" John stopped himself, swallowing hard and then harder still when Anna's fingers shifted down to run over his throat and feel the action. "I'd like that."

"Maybe later." Anna's fingers left John's skin and he shivered at the butterfly-kiss of her touch. "I have to see how you do with something else first?"

"What?"

The grin on Anna's face should have hinted at something devious. But John had no sense of self-preservation and agreed to whatever she had in mind. Something that might have been a mistake, he thought, as he stood next to Anna at the entrance to an art museum. "I think you manipulated me."

"I most certainly did." Anna looped her arm through his and used her other to guide her cane far enough in front of her to keep track of the steps they ascended.

"Was it all a lie?"

"Not hardly." Anna's fingers ran along the inside of John's arm and he bit the inside of his cheek to keep from reacting. "But I did press my advantage."

"You most certainly did." John paid for their tickets, keeping an eye on Mrs. Crawley as she guided her two children with her while another woman, the Mrs. Painswick at whose house they were billeted for the duration of their visit to London, walked with them.

"Do you feel badly used?"

"Not as badly as I think Bernie did when we left him at the house."

"Places like this can get weird about dogs and I don't want Bernie on high-alert. He already hates London because it's especially dangerous for me and people tend to treat him badly. Even with his vest."

"The world making life difficult for those not as abled?"

"It's the unconscious prejudice against the disabled, yes." Anna shrugged, "But I'm better off than most. I can still take most public transports, get into most entrances or exits, and move with relative ease. More to the point, most people don't even notice me or my 'affliction' if I'm good with it."

She tapped her glasses before leaning into John's arm to steer him. "This gallery first, if you please."

"Not to be rude, but does it matter?" John made a motion Anna could not see. "The whole building's a circle."

"These are the old masters." Anna took a deep breath, "You can almost smell it."

"Yes, all the toxic fumes of ancient paints made from lead and mercury."

"Spoilsport." Anna pulled them to a halt. "Do you remember the rules?"

John pouted, "Do I have to?"

"Gwen always does it for me."

"Then maybe I should've asked Gwen to be the one to accompany you and I could've taken a nap on an uncomfortable waiting room chair."

"I couldn't dangle this kind of promise in front of Gwen." Anna cleared her throat, "The first painting, if you would Mr. Bates."

John grimaced and began, raising his voice louder than he liked in a public space. "This one is a noble and daring expression of… blue. With more blues in the corners. Like someone having a pop art orgasm on a canvas." He caught the looks of disdain from the others around him and the furtive expressions from those confused as to whether or not they should say something to the man speaking too loudly for public.

"Go on."

"I feel like I'm playing the 'penis' game with my mother watching."

"It gets easier if you pretend you're blind and you can't see them."

"Very helpful." John cleared his throat and moved to the next painting. "A clearly repressed painter dealing with his struggles with the obvious eroticism evoked by the law of Moses. It seems to indicate a sexual desire for… a goat."

Anna snorted and tried to cover her mouth to hide her reaction. The hints of glee on her face emboldened John and he moved to the next painting. "This one would seem to speak to a deep… lust for his cows. A sight I believe not shared by the mistress of the house and, therefore, required more than a few secret visits to the barn on dark nights."

It only took two more galleries before a security guard insisted they leave. John guided Anna outside where she finally cackled. It took John a moment to recover from the public embarrassment and join Anna in her laughter. But once he did neither of them could stop as each tried to recreate different moments they spoke as stuffy art critics giving serious critique to paintings while only succeeding in embarrassing those around them.

"Oh to have my eyes." Anna wiped at the tears coming from hers and replaced her glasses. "I would give anything to see the second-hand embarrassment in those rooms."

"It wasn't anything special." John took Anna's hand, pausing to wrap his other hand over hers. "Not really."

"That's not what you were going to say."

"Wasn't I?"

Anna shook her head and used John's hold on her hand to step closer to him. "Part of my current condition has forced me to listen for the hitches in people's speech. I can hear it when someone changes course and you just changed course."

"Then what was I going to say?" John swallowed as he studied Anna's face.

"I haven't developed telepathy yet so you'll have to tell me."

"I was…" John forced himself to swallow again. "I was going to say it wasn't anything special. At least not like you."

"I hoped so." Anna's tongue darted out to run over her lips. "I'd like to feel you now John. If you're willing."

"Feel me how?"

"A kiss would be a good way to start."

"I can do that." John carefully moved to place his hands along the line of Anna's jaw. He ran his tongue over his lips and lowered them to hers.

Neither of them moved for a moment, as if feeling out the territory, and then broke apart. John almost moved away but Anna's hands, one of them accidently knocking the handle of her cane against part of his jaw and shoulder in her hurry, moved to his jaw and brought their mouths together again. It took a moment to adjust the angle but when they got it right her tongue traced the line of his lips to enter his mouth.

Then there was nothing but her and the explosion of sensations she brought with her. Sensations that, after an almost ravishing experience at her mercy, faded when Anna broke the kiss to breathe. Her breaths almost reminded John of his need for them and he took a breath so deep he almost coughed. Once he could breathe, and speak, normally again, John spluttered.

"That was…"

"It was." Anna grinned, adjusting her glasses and shifting slightly away from him. "I rendered your speechless."

"Is that a good thing?"

"I take my compliments where I can find them." Anna licked her lips again and John almost wanted to continue kissing her until her reaction turned into his own Pavlov's response. "And that, John, is a compliment."

"If I told you I wanted to kiss you again would that be a compliment too?"

"It would. However," Anna put her free hand on John's chest, flexing her fingers there for a moment. "We're in public and while I can claim ignorance at whatever sight we're making, I'm sure you'd prefer a measure of decorum."

"Maybe." John admitted, his cheeks reddening slightly at the onset of sheepishness. "It's… It was freeing not to think about it for a moment."

"It's one of the most freeing parts of being as I am now."

"I like who you are now." John put a hand over hers on his chest. "I didn't know you before but I'm not sure I'd risk trading in this you for that one."

"I would." Her hand slipped from his and ran back to his face, tracing it. "If only so I could try to memorize you for a minute. To keep you in my memory so I'd know what you looked like when your cheeks get all red."

"You'll just have to imagine what that looks like." John covered her hand again. "But whatever version of me you've got bouncing around in your brain right now, I promise that I'm about as attractive as Tom Cruise."

"I'm more of an Idris Elba type, being honest." Anna sighed, "I guess you can't win them all in the end."

"I guess not." John tucked Anna's hand on his arm. "Think we could find another museum to kick us out?"

"The odds are in our favor." Anna smiled, "You'll get a kiss for every one that asks us to leave and an extra one if you beat the time it took to get us kicked out of this one."

"I'll take my chances there." John guided Anna down the stairs. "I think the promise of victory is sweet enough for me."