On the walls of the day

In the shade of the sun

We wrote down

Another vision of us

We were the challengers of

The unknown

"The Challengers"

The New Pornographers

July 7, 2012

Interstate 55, Bloomington, Illinois

"I thought you gave Ellie a wide berth, considering how upset you were. How upset you still are," she said, able to read the thinly veiled ire still stirring under the surface.

"I was trying to see things from her perspective, you know? What it was like, with me, when the shoe was on the other foot. I'm just hoping once we see this, talk to her in person, more of it will make sense." She saw the crease form, just between his eyebrows, as something began to bother him.

"What, Chuck?" she asked.

"I didn't talk about it much to you before even, after it happened, but Ellie blamed herself for what happened to my father," he admitted. "The Ring used her to pull him out of hiding."

"Daniel Shaw killed him, didn't he?" she asked softly.

Sarah could only see the profile of his face, still seeing the anguish as it contorted his features. "Yes. He also tried to kill you and me three different times each." He was silent for a long time. "I think deep down, she still does, you know, feel responsible. She's trying to put right what he made wrong, somehow, as a way to atone for it."

XXX

May 27, 2010

Echo Park, Los Angeles, California

Chuck felt the sting behind his eyes as the picture of his father disappeared from the computer screen. He sat motionless, staring at the blank screen, wishing he could see it, or have something left to remember him by. He put the notes he had written away in his desk drawer, to keep them safe. "What are you doing in here, Chuck? Your food is getting cold," Ellie said as she stood in the doorway.

He crossed his arms tight, tried to smile as he looked at her, but the wetness of his eyes betrayed him. "Are you ok?" she asked, with concern on her face.

"Dad. He, uh, he sent me something called a spy will. Something they do, you know, when…" He cleared his throat. Ellie's eyes widened in disbelief. The tears overflowed when he said, "He loved you, us, very much, Ellie. He wanted you to know that."

She walked into his room and sat on the bed. "You know, Chuck, I'm still trying to process all of this. It was so stressful before, so life or death, I don't think I really wrapped my head around all of it." Ellie folded and unfolded her hands in her lap, picking at her cuticles nervously, never lifting her eyes to look at her brother. "Chuck, Dad's dead...because of me. It's my fault, it's all my fault…"

Chuck was up and moving toward her. "Ellie, no," he said, sitting beside her.

"Yes, Chuck. I knew Justin from Africa. We came home because Devon got malaria. Only I looked up his blood work. He never had a positive malaria smear. He did have abnormal toxicology, but the doctor in charge of his case never changed his diagnosis since he got better. Justin must have drugged him or something, to get us back in the states. And the second we were back, he used me to find Dad. I put a tracking device on him, for God's sake! He spent 20 years hiding from everyone for a reason and I pulled him out of hiding and-" Her pitch had gradually increased until she was close to hysterical.

"Ellie, Ellie, please, just stop," he pleaded, grabbing both of her hands in his. "They used you, ok? You didn't know Dad was a spy. I did. If anything, Dad's dying was my fault. Shaw killed him just to hurt me, Ellie. To break me." Tears flowed from his eyes.

"Chuck, I saw what happened. I know," she whispered, crying again.

"Oh, Ellie," he moaned, not realizing just how much his sister had seen.

"You didn't let him break you in the end. That's all that matters. Dad would have been so proud of you," she said, shaking his hand that she clutched tightly.

"If you hadn't come after us, we all would have died. Dad would have been proud of you, too," he responded, wrapping his arm gently around her shoulder.

"Is everything ok? Everyone is wondering where you….are," Sarah said, as she appeared in the bedroom door, stopping as she saw them holding hands on their bed, crying.

Ellie wiped quickly at her eyes, smiling despite the pain. Sarah saw Chuck's lopsided grin, knowing he was pulling together quickly as well. "We were just talking about our Dad, that's all."

Sarah stepped into the room, shut the door behind her. "He sent it to you, didn't he?" she asked. Chuck nodded silently.

"Can I ask you something, Sarah? Please don't take offense. I just-"

"No, Ellie, ask away," Sarah said, smiling softly.

"So you've known my brother for four years. But you've only been together for six months, is that right?" Ellie asked.

She met Chuck's eyes quickly, then looked back at his sister.

"I mean, you are together now, aren't you?" she asked.

"Yes, yes, we are. We love each other, Ellie. This is real," Sarah affirmed, making Chuck smile despite himself. "We were pretending, at the beginning, as part of my cover. But that didn't last long."

Ellie looked back and forth between them, a slow smile starting on her lips. "So those emotions, those looks-"

"All real. Even when they weren't supposed to be," Sarah said with a genuine smile.

Ellie smiled to herself. "Well, at least it's good to know that not everything was a lie. And the two of you, that's the best part." Ellie reached out a hand to each of them, held them together into a human chain.

"I'd like to think we're still friends, too, Ellie. How I am, it's still me. I know it sounds strange, but, the me you know is me. And I enjoy talking to you and-" Ellie grabbing her in a tight hug stopped Sarah from talking.

"I'm sorry if I was short with you. It was just-"

"I know, Ellie. It was a lot all at once," Sarah assured her. "What you and Devon and Morgan did was incredibly brave. You saved us all."

"What's going on in here?" Morgan said from the doorway.

"Nothing, Buddy," Chuck said with a smile. "Come on, let's go, before someone moves the table in here. We do not need to have dinner in our bedroom."

Chuck held out his hand, gesturing for everyone to go and him to follow. The smile only faded briefly, when he thought of what he had hidden in the drawer, from everyone he cared about, all of them in his line of sight.

XXX

July 7, 2012

Interstate 55, Gardner, Illinois

After almost an hour of companionable silence, Chuck said, "So, why St. Louis?" He asked lightly, once she finally seemed to adjust herself into a comfortable position in the front seat of her practical sedan, something Chuck had never seen her drive before.

"DHS had five open positions at the time. It was the only city that I remembered being in before. It's the last place I remembered living with my father where I was happy, you know, really happy. I must have been six or seven. That was before I really understood what kind of a man he was," she said softly.

He swallowed that, realizing it was new information, something she had never told him before. "Have you talked to him? Your dad? You know, since…Wait. I'm sorry. I should ask you first what do you remember?"

She looked deep in thought. "He got out of jail, must have been three years ago. But no, not...wait," she stopped, grabbing his arm with her eyes wide. "Did you meet my father? I've seen him since he got out of jail?"

Chuck nodded, reminding himself that it wasn't only him she had forgotten. "Twice. First time I thought he was your date. Second time he paid for our wedding after our wedding planner swindled us out of all our money," Chuck explained.

"He did what?" she asked, flabbergasted.

He took a deep breath, acutely aware in the moment that she was still not completely better. "I wanted him to stay for the wedding, you know, walk you down the aisle. He left anyway. But he left your little piggy bank, the one with the note attached, on our bed. With $30,000 in it. Probably mostly not legit but—" He stopped, when in a sideways glance, he saw her wiping away tears from her cheeks.

"Are you ok?" he asked, glancing over at her repeatedly while still keeping his eyes on the road.

"I was nine when I gave him that," she said softly. "I can't believe he kept it, all that time." She turned, looked out the window. "I haven't remembered anything, at all really, about anything other than you," she said sadly.

"You will," he said firmly. "Just give it some more time."

After a longer stretch of silence, Sarah turned to him and asked, "You know, I was going to ask you something else before, and I forgot. I've had a bunch of dreams too, about this little girl. Maybe four or five. Short blond hair, blue eyes. Is that someone I know? Someone you know?" She looked quizzically at him.

He looked at her out of the corner of his eye, understanding at once who she was referring to. He reached down, grabbed his cellphone out of the holder next to the shifter. One hand on the steering wheel, he flipped through his phone, looking for something. "Is this her?" he asked, showing her a picture.

She tilted his phone to remove the glare from the midday sun that streamed through the windshield. The picture was taken in their apartment in Los Angeles. It was Chuck, smiling brightly, crouching beside a young girl, the exact face she was remembering. "Oh my God, it is. Who is she?" Sarah asked. Before he spoke, he reached over, sliding his finger on the screen, to reveal another photo. This one was Sarah and Chuck, the little girl in Chuck's arms, her chubby legs hugging his waist. In between them was Sarah's mother, Emma, slightly dwarfed by their more statuesque frames. Sarah almost screeched in shock at the sight.

"That's your sister, Molly," he said gently, knowing she was already shocked.

Sarah was not a panicker, not by any stretch of the imagination. Before Chuck could open his mouth to explain, she turned, wild-eyed, gasping, gripping his arm so hard it hurt, speaking rapidly, "How do you know about that? How is that possible?"

"Relax, Sarah, please," he urged. "Riker is dead. He can't hurt her. Or your mother. Ever again. I swear to you," he pleaded.

Her gaze never left his face, but he watched her breathing slowly calm. "I told you about that mission?"

"Not at first, no. You wanted to handle it all alone. But you needed us. Us, you know, me and Casey. Together we fixed it. You told me your biggest mistake was thinking that you were alone. Forgetting that you had people who cared about you, people you could trust. Forgetting that I was here. And I would always be," he said adamantly.

She was teary eyed again, clutching her chest, as if she could somehow massage away the pain in her heart. "I should have stayed. In California. I should have told you I was pregnant as soon as I knew. I'm so sorry, Chuck," she whispered.

He didn't understand why, in the middle of this discussion, she was bringing that up again. She turned to look at him, her eyes so full of love it took his breath away. Only then did it make sense. She had trusted him with her deepest secret, the ultimate proof of how much he had meant to her, only to rob him of the first six months of her pregnancy, lying to him, indirectly causing his sister to lie to him, all because she felt she had to do it all herself. And he had forgiven her anyway.

His eyes misted over. "I understand why you didn't. It's ok, Sarah. It is. I'm here now. I'm not going anywhere." He grinned, looked back at the road.

He had to remind himself to keep breathing when he felt her head on his shoulder, her conscious choice to be close. He kissed her hair briefly, and remembered that as angry as he still felt, this would never have been possible without his sister's diligence, her desire to restore to him what had been lost.

XXX

July 7, 2012

Chicago, Illinois

"Slow down, El, slow down," Devon said over the phone, as Ellie sat at her desk in her office at the hospital.

"This is awful. I've made a huge mess of everything," she cried into the phone.

"Start at the beginning," he coached.

"Sarah's pregnant," she blurted. "I've known for...almost three months now."

"Does Chuck know?" Devon didn't sound all that surprised, but he sounded sad, troubled, in a way unfamiliar to her.

"He does now. He knows I knew, all this time, that I knew where she was, and that she was pregnant and I never told him that, I was working with the CIA, all of it. I really hurt him. I kept telling myself that, and I just...I just…"

"El, listen. You were put in a terrible position. With all kinds of conflicting interests, you know, you can't-"

"I should have told him the truth. I kept telling myself I was helping Sarah, you know, away from him. He wouldn't have gone after her, not after he promised not to. Maybe he wouldn't have gone to that dark place, if he knew she was ok, wasn't worrying that she could be dead somewhere and he wouldn't even know. She was improving. I wanted her to be the one to tell him they were having a baby, she just waited...and waited...because she was scared. If I'd told her I knew, maybe she would have told him sooner…"

"Hindsight is always 20/20, Babe. You did what you thought you had to, with what you knew at the time. He loves you, El. He may be angry, but he will forgive you. You mean the world to him."

She was comforted by his words, even if still burdened with her guilt. She made a silent vow to herself that once this was all out in the open, she would promise to never keep anything from him again.

"They're coming. Chuck and Sarah. They should be here by dinner time," Ellie added. "Devon, she loves him again. She told me, just a few hours ago. I can't believe it. This is finally over. They're together, Devon. It feels like a miracle," she gushed in amazement.

Full of pride for his wife, Devon replied, "That miracle would be one Dr. Eleanor Fay Woodcomb. You worked night and day with her. No matter what else happens, Chuck knows that."

"Thank you, Honey," she said, hoping he could hear the smile in her voice. "I'd better tell Mom."

"Oh, El, I almost forgot! That's why I was calling in the first place. I got distracted when you were all upset. When she was leaving after I got home, she seemed upset about something. Distracted. I asked her if everything was all right, but, well, sometimes I know there are things she can't necessarily tell me. That she might be able to tell you. I'm just saying."

Ellie's mind started turning thoughts over in her head, her mind reeling. "Thanks for letting me know," she said distractedly, not even sure after she said it if he had responded to her or not. "I'll see you soon, Honey, bye."

She had to redial her mother's number three times, her anxiety causing her trembling fingers to fumble the numbers.

XXX

July 7, 2012

Somerset, England

Vivian brought the last of her bags down the stairs to the foyer, placing them near the door for the chauffeur to load into the car early the next morning. Her father was waiting for the coordinates Mary was sending, the last thing needed before they left for America.

She found her father pacing in the study, the only light in the room the glow from a small desk lamp. "I'm all packed." He stopped pacing, looking startled when he heard her, as she had broken his concentration. She walked slowly into the room, stepping quietly to keep her shoes from clacking against the marble. Even that noise seemed to put him more on edge.

"We have time now, Dad. Maybe you'll calm down a little bit, if you can talk to me." He stared, and she saw the tortured look in his eyes. "Please, Dad," she asked. "At least try to explain. Even if you can't tell me everything."

"What do you remember about her?" he asked, honestly having no idea. In all the time that they had been together again, her mother had never come up in conversation.

"Almost nothing. I was what, three years old? Is that right? I have this picture, all fuzzy, long red hair, green eyes. It's only one memory, her handing me a doll. A ballerina doll. I remember the skirt, rough, like tulle or something. It was pink."

"I didn't remember having a daughter, Vivian, once the Alexei persona was removed. But I know I interacted with you when you were small, after the Intersect and before I was completely changed. It was gradual, the changeover. But I think once it was complete, I lost all the memory in between." He swallowed hard, looking up at the ceiling. "It's like I said. The story is very long, and complicated by the fact that I was losing my memory, until, eventually, I lost all my memory. But this, at least, is the beginning. Stephen Bartowksi and I were scientists. We worked together, doing scholarly research, before MI6 got involved. All that isn't important right now. What is important, is that while we were working, we were contacted by a CIA agent from the U.S. Her name was Mary. Her best friend was your mother, Corrine MacArthur. Who was an agent for MI6."

He choked up, almost angry at himself for not being stronger. "I loved her more than I ever thought I could love another person. She was so intelligent, so worldly, so unbelievably beautiful...and somehow she fell in love with me. And because I made a mistake, while I was trying to help her, save her, I lost her, and myself, forever. Well, thankfully not forever, thanks to Stephen's son, Charles. The first thing I asked Mary when I saw her, after I was back to myself, was about her. She's been presumed dead since 1989. Mary told me then that she wasn't sure, that she had been trying to find proof one way or the other, even when she was working for me. Stephen was looking as well, never stopped actually, until the day he died. I don't know how, but Mary found her. At least proof that she's still alive."

Vivian's eyes stayed fixed on him as she absorbed all he was saying. "I guess I always assumed she was dead," she said meekly. "Why else would she have been away my entire life?"

"I don't remember the three of us ever being a family, but we had to have been. And something terrible would have to have happened to her, to keep her away from you for so long. My only fear," he stopped, and she watched as he planted his heels hard into the ground to keep his legs from shaking, "Is that somehow, I was responsible for whatever happened to her. And I don't remember it."