A/N: Trigger warning - implied rape/sexual assault on a young girl. The title is a song from Idina Menzel from her album I Stand.
If Ava thinks that her heart shattered the moment that Robin came back, she is clearly sure that it has now turned into dust.
It was supposed to be them explaining to their heart tumour patient what had happened during the operation they did but Connor went on without her. Instead, he had gone with Robin because she was the one who suggested the procedure. They looked so happy as if the year they spent apart was nothing. So Ava just walked away.
She feels the pain of looking at them, getting along great, even as she opens a bottle of wine. In her mind she only sees that happy couple with their patient. He trusts Robin, even after she left him to recuperate and "find herself". He never trusted Ava. He believes that she lied to him, manipulated him to be with her.
Ava never even pours the wine into a glass; drinks it straight from the bottle. She looks back at what happened this morning and shakes her head. Why will she think that after the incident, Connor and her will be okay? The little touches that she felt when they opened the car, it was nothing. It's just him helping her clear the way. Wasn't he flirting with Robin moments before that car came barging into the ED, almost crushing Don? It's very clear that he never even mentioned that they had been together. Robin will probably talk to him.
Long shot, she thinks.
She brings the bottle into the bathroom and just sits in the tub. She doesn't even turn on the faucet. She just goes straight into it and picks up the razor blade. She's a little tipsy, having drank half of the bottle, so she cuts a little deeper. Blood oozes out of it.
Ow, her mind says. I felt it.
In another part of her brain, a question forms.
You feel everything?
Looking at the wound she made, she realises that she doesn't actually feel it. There is no physical pain. It's the emotional pain that she feels. The pain that Connor helps her control even before they got together. His words, his voice. They comfort her.
She stares at the little line she drew. She wants to cry but she finds that she can't. Instead, she closes her eyes and remembers the first time she ever felt pain. She doesn't even remember his real name anymore, the one who first made her trust no one and nearly shattered her dreams of becoming a doctor.
We'll play doctor, he says. You're going to be my patient.
Ava doesn't hesitate. She trusts this person. He is a student of her parents after all. She and her siblings call him Uncle.
Uncle tells her to go lie down on her bed so he can examine her. She asks if she can bring her Raggedy Ann doll. She loves this doll. Uncle agrees. But before she lies on her bed, Uncle requests that she take off her pretty pink dress.
Why, she asks.
So I can see you properly, silly, Uncle replies.
She takes off her dress and lies down. She notices Uncle taking off his belt and opening the buttons of his trousers. She quickly gets up, scared of what he will do. Uncle assures her that everything will be fine. He goes near her bed and tries to take off her matching pink underwear. She tries to escape, fights him, but he pins her down and covers her mouth.
Be a good girl, he says. You're never going to be a doctor if you're not going to be a good girl.
She stops and surrenders. He holds her hands up on her head and gets on top of her. Then she feels the most excruciating pain that she has ever felt in her whole nine years. She doesn't make a noise. She can only stare at Uncle's eyes – they are empty. Silent tears come down her face and onto her doll. It was horrible.
After he finishes, Uncle wipes away her tears and tells her that she's perfect and she will always be perfect. She will make no mistakes ever.
Then he leaves her there to clean up everything.
She opens her eyes and laughs at herself. She is perfect. She doesn't make any mistake. She downs the rest of the wine and gets out of the bathtub. She doesn't care to take a shower. She just wants to hurt herself.
Connor can take Robin back anytime. He never loved Ava anyway. He never even trusted her.
That night, she spiralled deeper into the rabbit hole. She doesn't know if anyone can even pull her up now. In her mind, she is as empty as Uncle's eyes when he made her feel everything.