Just as Tsunade had said he would, Kakashi took up the mission and followed it through to completion.

It didn't matter that he'd dissociated before an enemy and almost lost his life for it. It didn't matter that the chunin had been whispering about him whenever they thought he wasn't listening.

Nothing mattered as long as the mission was complete.

He took up another S-rank after the first, throwing himself into his work and mildly hoping for the release of death to come to him as he served in the line of duty.

Of course it never did.

It was his blessing but more than that it was his curse.

S-rank after S-rank, falling back onto his original coping method. He drowned himself in blood and screams, staining his hands just as red as they always appeared when he was unfortunate enough to dream.

Teammates died on those missions and were replaced just as quickly, teammates fled for their lives abandoning him and leaving him for dead but he never died. The pain that would've been left with their losses or betrayals was all consumed by the numbness - life was easier with it there than without it he quickly realised.

Kakashi shuddered as he rested his head on the wooden doors of the mission assignment room. He needed another one, it didn't matter that the moon hung high in the sky. He couldn't go home, couldn't rest. The missions were his addiction, his salvation. That didn't mean he wanted to face Tsunade, or Jiraiya for that matter. He'd obviously be there too; he'd been glued to Tsunade's side since Naruto-

He couldn't go down that rabbit hole, he'd be consumed by static and screams once again until there was nothing left.

At some point, Jiraiya and Tsunade both seemed to have realised what he was doing but neither of them stopped him. They hadn't stopped him after his parents died either, no they'd just run away from their problems until he'd brought them back.

They probably thought letting him constantly throw himself into death's path was a better idea than slowly letting him waste away as he had been doing before was. Though Tsunade had looked at him with sorrowful eyes after the tenth S-rank, as if he was a mistake, something to be pitied and whispered about later on, away from prying ears.

Kakashi almost fell on his face as the door was violently swung open. Tsunade's unimpressed countenance met his.

"Just how long did you intend to stand out there Kakashi?" She inquired, voice clipped as her dark eyes shifted over him.

Kakashi was silent, he didn't have an answer for her and Tsunade sighed as her face took on that Kami-forsaken sorrow.

Jiraiya sat further into the room, eyes focused on him like a watchful toad, analysing him as he always seemed to do nowadays. Jiraiya looked about as dishevelled as Kakashi felt and Tsunade sounded. His red haori was missing from his outfit and his kimono was rumpled. Jiraiya's forehead protector was on incorrectly and his hair had been clumsily done.

"Brat, the place is technically closed," Jiraiya said. Kakashi blinked slowly at the clock which read 11:00. "Besides didn't you only return back here earlier today?"

S-rank, retrieve the former Kazekage's daughter from Iwa's forces. The mission had been a success and the girl had been returned to Suna without issue.

He'd returned that morning.

It wasn't enough.

"Stay for a day or two, Kakashi," Tsunade said. She managed to keep most of the slur out of her voice but he could smell the sake on her breath. "It wouldn't hurt you to do that would it?"

Kakashi struggled not to stare at her, appalled. Yes, yes it would hurt to stay. He couldn't do it.

Tsunade puffed out a sigh at his expression, sweeping past him and settling herself by Jiraiya on one of the intricate wooden chairs that had been around since The First's time. The Fifth poured herself a shot of sake before passing the bottle to Jiraiya who did the same.

"A drink, Kakashi?" Jiraiya asked, "I think we'll all need it for this conversation."

Kakashi knew he didn't want to be having any conversation aside from the one where the pair gave him a new mission and he left the village as soon was humanely possible. He shook his head almost imperceptibly and Jiraiya settled the bottle back onto the desk with a clang.

"If that's what you want to do," Jiraiya said, with a carefree shrug of his shoulders. "More for us!"

"It's late you oaf," Tsunade muttered.

"It's a shinobi village, Princess."

"Correction, it's my shinobi village. Jiraiya be quiet before my fist and your face become even better friends than they already are."

Jiraiya chuckled, completely unbothered and Kakashi just watched the pair impassively. They weren't saying anything important, anything relevant. He could steal a mission scroll and leave but that'd go against procedure.

"Take a seat, brat," Tsunade said as she finally seemed to notice he was still in the room.

"I'd rather stand."

"Why are you being so difficult?" Tsunade asked, massaging her temples as she knocked back a shot.

She had no right to scold him, he'd heard how she had once again tried to drink away all of her problems and Jiraiya would've definitely run as far as Iron Country's borders by now if he'd been given a chance to.

Jiraiya signalled to the sturdy looking couch opposite to Tsunade's desk. When Kakashi only narrowed his eye at him, he took a deep breath and began.

"You're not being healthy, Kakashi."

The exact opening line the tiny part of him that could still feel screamed about. He didn't need this conversation.

"I haven't been staying in my apartment-"

"And that's the problem," Jiraiya cut him off. You're running. Your mission uptake is close to five times what it has been in recent years. You're almost exceeding what you did when you were in Anbu."

From the corner of his eye, Kakashi could see Tsunade had taken up the bottle itself. The moonlight sparkled on its surface as the liquid rapidly disappeared.

"I don't see the problem here. I was trained for this and now that I no longer have a genin team, I'm simply using my skills to the village's benefit."

"Brat," Tsunade's voice wobbled, her eyes were misty and yet held more intensity than they did when she was sober. "Brat, we both know that isn't it. Look at you for Kami's sake, you still can't even eat solid meals. You're not supposed to be doing that many missions right now, top jonin or not."

"And why wouldn't I? You both seem to agree that it's better than what I was doing before."

Jiraiya shook his head as he took a small sip of his drink. Kakashi could care less about his disappointment. He could care less about what they had to say in general, he just wanted to leave. He should've just asked Anko for one of her missions or Guy, though Guy would've worried or told.

The empty bottle fell from Tsunade's hand to the ground with a loud crash. Small shards of glass glittered over the floor like the stars which littered the night sky. Tsunade was visibly shaking and Kakashi couldn't tell if she was angry or upset.

Knowing her, it was probably both.

"Just talk to us, dammit," Tsunade yelled, voice cracking. Her face was rosy - drunk, he acknowledged. "Do you think your parents, any of them, would've wanted you to become this?" Kakashi felt himself freeze. "Do you think Kushina or Minato would want to see you like this, alive yet dead! Its's painful, you're their last legacy and yet you're, you're-"

"Tsunade," Jiraiya said softly.

"It's like seeing Sakumo all over again, we tried and yet he wouldn't stop, he just wouldn't stop and then he died and-"

"Tsunade, you're-"

"Can't you see it? He's trying to commit suicide in the line of duty! That's unforgivable and I refuse to let it happen. You're not taking a mission Kakashi, do you hear me? You're not going to take one!"

"Tsunade, you're being unreasonable-"

"Unreasonable my ass Jiraiya! He's going to wind up dead and then that'll be the end of it. He doesn't care about himself or the others or us or-"

"Tsunade, you need to stop!"

Tsunade buried her face in her hands and sobbed as Jiraiya put an arm around her, offering silent comfort.

Kakashi's hands only trembled slightly as he turned his back on the pair. He felt colder than he had when he'd walked into the office. The numbness felt heavy, though something within him screeched in sorrow.

The night air was cool against his face as he vaulted from the window of the building, allowing himself to freefall. Gravity was his enemy and yet it was his best friend. The wind rushed past him, forceful. His stomach didn't lurch as it used to when he was younger but the sensation was close enough.

Those few seconds with nothing between him and certain death were intoxicating, enough to make him feel something even if it was only for a split second.

Anticipation, exhilaration.

Life.

Tsunade wasn't wrong and yet she wasn't right. He craved death but he wanted to feel alive. A dangerous cycle which he was unable to break free from.

He glued his feet to the side of the tower milliseconds before his brains would've spattered over the asphalt below. A giddy laugh escaped his lips as he finally balanced himself back on the ground.

"Brat!" He'd barely taken a step and yet Jiraiya was in front of him. A kunai was soundly rested above the man's jugular vein though so at least that worked in his favour. "No, need to be so touchy feely, Kakashi." The sannin muttered as he slowly lowered his kunai.

"What do you want Jiraiya?"

A bound scroll was hastily thrust into his hands. Golden seal, red ink - just what he'd been looking for.

"You're to gather a team and leave first thing tomorrow but note the fact that we can't afford to send other jonin with you – the village needs them to either be out on missions similar to your own or on hand here," Jiraiya said.

Kakashi nodded before Jiraiya dropped a second smaller item into his hands. The chain glinted elusively.

"Isn't that Naruto's-"

"Tsunade's," Jiraiya was quick to correct him. "I don't think keeping it in her possession is helping her though, it's only hurting her."

"She still thinks it's cursed," Kakashi said, it wasn't a question and Jiraiya only nodded. Kakashi clasped the piece of jewellery around his neck.

"It's his and that's why I'll keep it," he muttered, already turning around to take his leave.

"Just don't die, Kakashi. We really do care."

A quick shunshin and no promises was all he left behind.