TRIGGER WARNING:SELF HARM

During her drive home she took a different turn thank she normally did to reach her last two destinations before finally going home and being able to cut. She saw them on the right side of the road. The big and blinking text on the store looked really inviting for her. It said "WILKINS LIQUOR AND MORE" in the house next to it she could see her favorite Indian takeout place and Meredith was happy to be here. She parked her car and entered the store first. She had already been there some times before and quickly found her favorite section.

Jose was already waiting for her. She greeted him like and old friend and quickly grabbed five bottles of her favorite Tequila. She made her way to the cash register and put down the five Jose Cuervo bottles. The cashier scanned the five bottles and Meredith quickly put them in her bag before paying.

She left the store and entered Chutney, her favorite Indian restaurant. She could already smell all the great spices and saw all the different dishes for takeout. She ordered some Chicken Madras, her absolute favorite Indian dish. It was like a slightly spicy chicken curry with coconut milk. It was really yummy. After ordering a big box and some papadam she only had to wait for two minutes before she left the restaurant with a white plastic bag.

She quickly went back to her car. She got in once again and continued her ride home. She arrived within five minutes and quickly parked in her usual spot before grabbing her bags and getting into the house.

"Hey Meredith." She heard Izzie say. "Oh hi, Mer." George said too. "Hey guys." Meredith responded before trying to get to the stairs and up to her room.

"I made some food and cupcakes do you want some?" Izzie asked before Meredith could get up to her room. "Oh thanks. I got some takeout but I'd like a cupcake please." Meredith said while quickly getting into the kitchen and taking a cupcake. She took a spoon and a little plate to put her cupcake on and walked up the stairs and into her room where she could finally take off her friendly face.

She took off her Jacket and her shoes and got onto her bed in her normal clothes. She felt uncomfortable in her street clothes so she got off her bed once again to change into lounge clothes. While changing she had to take off her long sleeve shirt. When she slipped her left arm out of the sleeve she could se the white bandage. She took it off to change it and saw that it already was healing pretty well. She realized that she had to show her arms while scrubbing in for surgery. She really had to make a new plan so Noone notices her cutting. She knew that it was wrong but it was the only thing that made her feel good. She quickly put on her long sleeve Dartmouth shirt, the one with a hole on the back of her neck and took a sweatpants out of her closet. Then she realized what it said. "Bowdoin", The College Derek attended. Those were his sweatpants.

Meredith felt tears welling up in her eyes and she lt them flow. Noone was here to judge her. She quickly took a bottle Jose out of her bag, sat down on the bed and took a big gulp directly from the bottle. She felt the alcohol warm her from within and numb the feeling a little bit but she was far away from really being numb. She felt so cold. Maybe the warm food would help her feel better. She had put her food on the bedside table before so she could eat it soon. She took her spoon and the takeout box and started to eat. She loved the taste and the warm feeling of the south-indian curry. It warmed her from the inside and she took some sips from the tequila bottle now and then to swallow the food faster so she could be warm again.

When she finished her Curry she already felt pretty tipsy. She got the cupcake down with a lot of tequila too and realized that the tequila was already working. But not in the way she expected. She felt it telling her everything she already knew. She still had his sweatpants but she didn't have him. She sat in her room on her bed in underwear and had his sweatpants next to her. She felt so pathetic. Cristina was right, Meredith was really pathetic. Of course she was, she had begged a man only to have him choose someone else.

She had waited all day and she knew she had to do it now. She locked her door and quickly took her bag and the opened bottle of tequiala with her to the bathroom that belonged to her bedroom. She opened the lockable cabinet under the sink and put in the scalpels and the gauze she took from the supply closet and three bottles of tequila before thinking again and taking out one of the single-use scalpels and a pack of bandaging material.

She had to think quick. Noone could suspect anything so she couldn't cut her arms anymore. At least not her forearms. And then she remembered. She remembered how she used to cut her thighs when her arms were full and it was her perfect plan. Noone would see her cuts on her arms but she could still feel the relief of all the build up emotions. Just like she needed to feel right now.

She sank down with her back to the bathtub and felt the tears start again. He hadn't chosen her and she was pathetic - cut number one appeared on her leg. She remembered how Thatcher tried to speak with her when he abandoned her in one of the worst ways possible - she added number two. Pathetic. She was feeling pathetic, Cristina was right, Meredith was really a pathetic person - the third line followed the scalpel on her thigh.

Noone cared for her. Her own parents didn't even care enough to keep her out of foster care. - Number four. And Richard "Do you want me to be your new daddy" Richard didn't love her enough to stay with her mom. Actually he left Ellis for Meredith's Existence. - Five.

Meredith stopped the cutting and took the open bottle into her hand. It was already half empty but with a few huge gulps meredith finished the whole first bottle with one big swig.

She already felt the numbness tequila always gave her and she loved it.

She leaned her head back and put the scalpel back on her thigh. Pull number six for begging a man. And once again. Pick me - 7, choose me - 8, love me - 9...

Ill be at Joe's tonight - 10, she's my wife - 11.

Meredizh saw the second tequila bottle and opened it. She started nursing the bottle just like she did with the other one and just started drinking. She started feeling the Numbness and the tiredness from drinking but she had to keep drinking.

When she was finished with half the second bottle she felt a slumber take her in with blood still slowly dripping down her thigh. She quickly wiped it away and put on a loose bandage before finally giving into her sleep, and laying on her side so she doesn't choke on her vomit.

This is the fifth chapter and I'm really proud of myself that I'm so productive with this story... Three Chapters in three days is really a lot so it really makes me happy...I have a week-long vacation and today is the last day and in person school starts tomorrow so I guess I won't update that much anymore but I'll try.So Meredith ate some Indian food and tbh it's my favorite and she only ate it bc I'm craving it rn lol.I hope yall liked the chapter, please leave a nice review bc your reviews really motivate me to write more...