„Hey, you two!" Yayoi waves at Uenoyama and Mafuyu, who have fallen behind the group. „We will start with this bar. Take is messaging Haruki and Akihiko, but don't expect them to show up any time soon."
The message goes past Uenoyama's ears, his sister's words lost in the early night's breeze. He is unflinching, too stunned to make sense of his thoughts, let alone of his surroundings. Mafuyu, however, is quick to nod and smile at her, and she heads inside. And after a long moment, he turns the smile towards Uenoyama.
„Should we join them then?"
Uenoyama sees Mafuyu's lips move, a mellow question flitting off of them. This is all too abrupt, Uenoyama thinks vaguely, struggling to level his shock. For months, his presumptions have been keeping him in place, anchoring him in the past and distracting him from the present. Sleepless night, troubling nightmares, failed rehearsals, and recording sessions, the memories still weighing heavily on him.
But all it took to have them eliminated was a single phrase—a couple of words uttered by the right person at that right time.
Everything we did while we were apart led us to this moment.
That's right, Uenoyama thinks, so maybe...maybe there's still a chance. He lifts his eyes at Mafuyu, his face flushed with a pleasant glow.
„Yeah, let's go," Uenoyama finally says and returns Mafuyu's heartfelt smile.
They begin walking, Uenoyama fidgeting nervously, stirring, a thousand thoughts and sensations crashing over him like a wave. He can feel Mafuyu's presence beside him. He catches his scent lingering in the air behind him, and whenever he gets too close to Mafuyu, either to open the door or pass through the bar's narrow entrance corridor, his skin prickles in delight. The sudden rush of euphoria is making Uenoyama's heart thump. Yet, while he recognizes he might be at his patience's limits, he remains composed.
Just being near him is enough for me, Uenoyama thinks and takes a deep breath, because, for the longest time, I couldn't. And now, I don't want to miss a moment of it.
Mafuyu is clumsy as he is making his way through the crowded bar, and Uenoyama is quick to observe. He intervenes and helps him out, shielding him from overly enthusiastic dancers or waiters with too many drinks on their trays. Mafuyu thanks him, his face taking on a whole new shade of red. Uenoyama encourages him with a nod and then points him to the bar opposite them.
„A bit too lively," Mafuyu says and takes off his jacket, the energy of the crowd leaving its mark on him.
„Not used to so many people in one place?" Uenoyama asks and turns to the bartender to order some drinks.
„I haven't been to a bar in ages," Mafuyu speaks in a low voice, gazing at the loud and joyful patrons behind him.
„Book signings don't happen in bars?" Uenoyama scoffs and hands a beer over to Mafuyu. „Who would've thought?"
„Don't be mean, Uenoyama-kun," Mafuyu says, accepting the drink with unsteady fingers and scrutinizes it for a long moment.
He seems uneasy, Uenoyama thinks, throwing him a sly glance. It's almost like he forced himself to go out of his comfort zone, so that... He can be with me. Just like I did when I went to his book signing event. His eyes widen, the sudden realization making his heart stutter.
„Nothing like that," Uenoyama huffs out a laugh, and Mafuyu's shoulders relax. He glances at Uenoyama, and after seeing his smile, he chuckles softly before taking a sip out of his drink.
The music is loud, and the crowd is lively before them, but Uenoyama and Mafuyu don't mind in the slightest. They are standing by the side of the bar, allowing the world to move around them while they're enjoying each other's comforting presence, calmly, steadily getting reaccustomed to what it means to be together.
„Do you still play?" Uenoyama then asks, glancing over at Mafuyu.
„Music?" Mafuyu looks for confirmation in Uenoyama's eyes. „No," he offers and gazes down in his beer. „I could never find the mindset to do that again after high school."
Uenoyama shakes his head. „So now you are back to being a newbie," he says with a hint of arrogance, which makes Mafuyu's eyes dart to him.
„I'm sorry," Mafuyu whimpers. „All your hard work from back then..."
Uenoyama blinks repeatedly. „You don't need to apologize," he is quick to reassure him. „It's fine, I suppose if you aren't in a band or don't decide to make a career out of it, skills like those are bound to fade away."
„I'm sorry I wasted your time, Uenoyama-kun," Mafuyu repeats, his guilt almost palpable.
„What?" Uenoyama says, glancing at him. „No, Mafuyu, don't say that. That's nonsense."
„I drove you up the walls with how much I insisted you teach me to play the guitar," he retreats and speaks in a low voice, so low that Uenoyama is having trouble hearing him due to the clamor around him. „Only to abandon it in the end."
Uenoyama turns his entire body to Mafuyu, a different energy to him. „Look at me, Mafuyu," he pleas, his tone stern.
Mafuyu hesitates for a moment but then turns. Unable to bring his gaze up, however, he shifts it to the side.
Uenoyama narrows his eyes. He grabs Mafuyu's hand, and only then he brings his eyes to meet his. „No matter what happened afterward, know that I never regretted teaching you guitar."
Uenoyama stops. He's been gazing a bit too deeply in Maufyu's eyes and thinks he might drown if he continues. But Uenoyama can't bring himself to look away. He's holding onto Mafuyu, and he isn't giving any signs that he wants to reject him. They are standing close to each other, and just like deja vu, it feels like there never existed a time in which they were apart.
„Mafuyu, you coming into my life was..." The words fly off his lips before Uenoyama can put any thought behind them. Uenoyama acted on impulse, but that's because he's determined to speak, to tell Mafuyu what he wasn't able to back then. Because if I can hold onto Mafuyu like I'm doing now, Uenoyama thinks, then he wouldn't disappear again. He might give him another chance and...
„If you two don't dance, you will be crowned the losers of the evening," Yayoi jumps and reaches out her arms around both their necks and squeezes, bringing their heads together, their foreheads meeting for a brief moment.
„Ah, Yayoi, damn it," Uenoyama clicks his tongue, taken aback by his sister's sudden appearance. „Can you just..."
Yayoi grins and laughs a couple of times, her gaze shifting between the two. Uenoyama releases himself from her hold and whips around. He sees Take shrugging, gesturing that Yayoi might've been drinking a bit too much and that there's nothing he can do to calm her enthusiasm down.
Uenoyama exhales, admitting defeat before his sister's unrelenting energy. He glances at Mafuyu and shrugs as well, mimicking Take's explanation. Mafuyu laughs, noticing the force with which Yayoi's pulling at his shirt. That type of persistence is all too familiar for him. He then sets his glass of beer aside and accompanies the two siblings to the dancefloor.
They dance for a while, and it's not until Haruki and Akihiko show up that Uenoyama realizes that he hasn't taken his eyes off of Mafuyu that entire time. There's nobody around more attractive or fascinating than him. And it's not like he can get tired of looking at him, at his flawless smile or pleasant expression. He feels as though he's falling in love with him every time their eyes met. And that feeling is as much addicting as it is exciting, and Uenoyama can't get enough of it.
Yayoi grabs Mafuyu's hands and pulls him to the side. She is amusing herself because Mafuyu is quick to humor her whims, dancing with her or encouraging her to share more of her quirky stories. Seeing that he is in good hands, Uenoyama excuses himself from their presence and goes to get some drinks for everyone. This far into the night, he is already more than tipsy and somewhat drained, but despite all that, he feels at ease.
„Uenoyama Ritsuka?"
„Yeah?" he whips around instinctively.
„Wow, it really is you! See, I told you," an unfamiliar girl turns to her friend and says proudly.
„Oh, it's so great to meet you in person; we are such big fans!" The other girl adds, presenting a wide smile.
Uenoyama is caught chatting to his fans and is shortly asked to sign a couple of autographs and take some selfies with them. He forces a smile, and by the time the third picture is taken, he spots Haruki and Akihiko making funny faces at him from somewhere in the other end of the venue. He clicks his tongue but uses that opportunity to take his leave from between the two girls, who are so excited to have met him they have tears in their eyes.
„Ue, the superstar," Haruki jokes as Uenoyama is making his way towards him and Akihiko. „How on earth did you find time for us, I wonder?"
„Oh, stop it, would you?" Uenoyama urges after Akihiko ruffles his hair with such force, whatever's left of his styled hair withers away. „It's not like I asked for it."
„All part of the job, boy wonder. Don't tell me you aren't used to all the glam by now," Akihiko smirks and crosses his arms on his chest.
„Shougo seems to enjoy it a lot more than I do," Uenoyama exhales and leans against a nearby wall. „Itaya Shougo, my friend from high school, I mean," he explains after he is met with the same perplexed look on both his friends' faces. „He is my manager now."
„So then," Akihiko asks, leaning close to Uenoyama, „any luck with the ladies?"
„Nothing like that," Uenoyama rubs his ear, Akihiko's words making his skin prickle in discomfort.
„Akihiko, behave," Haruki says, and he retreats, somehow more obedient than Uenoyama remembers him to be. „But speaking of luck, where is..." Haruki then turns to survey the area as though looking to spot somebody in particular.
„Mafuyu," Uenoyama breathes and lifts his eyes, the fluttering in his stomach coming alive. It's for a split moment, but he catches the silhouette of a man with a ponytail leaving the bar. He swallows, a sudden desire to follow erupting within him.
Before he departs from his friends' company, however, Uenoyama leans forward, his poor attempt at a polite bow. „Thank you so much for tonight, Haruki-san. And happy birthday, Kaji-san. It was great that we got to spend some time together, and I hope that - "
„Ue, how about you just go already?" Haruki urges and points him to the door.
Uenoyama nods, his friends' approving expressions spurring him on. He departs, stumbling his way through the crowd of people. His knees are weak, and he understands he is nervous.
It's just like back then, Uenoyama thinks, remembering how excited he was to meet with Mafuyu at the staircase well behind the gym. Even if he gave me bad news, at least...at least I got to see him.
He steps out of the bar and, panting, investigates the street and nearby surroundings. It takes him a while, but once he spots the person he's been looking for, his heart settles.
„Mafuyu," he calls out, seeing him leaning against the wall, his gaze downward, rubbing his hands together as though struggling to keep warm.
Mafuyu jolts and lifts his gaze. Their eyes met, and a shiver crosses Uenoyama's body.
„I-I think I will head back home for tonight, Uenoyama-kun," Mafuyu says hesitantly and goes to arrange his hair around his ears as Uenoyama closes the distance between them.
„Are you tired?"
„It's been a long day, that's for sure," he huffs, forcing a smile.
Hearing a strange edge to his voice that wasn't there before, Uenoyama presses. „Are you ok?"
„Tonight was... I had a lot of fun."
Uenoyama winces. „Mafuyu, that's not what I asked."
Mafuyu flinches, noticing then how close Uenoyama is to him. It's uncanny and yet comfortable for both of them. And peaceful, since no music is booming in their ears.
„You are so popular now, Uenoyama-kun," Mafuyu says wryly, his lips trembling after every word uttered. „I'm sure your partner is thrilled with you."
Uenoyama swallows a gasp. So even he can be jealous, he thinks, and his heart quickens. „There's nobody like that in my life. There hasn't been anyone since you, Mafuyu."
Despite the concentrated effort he made to hide his shock, Mafuyu's eyes widen. He opens his mouth to speak but can't gather his thoughts quickly enough and then closes it again. With shivering fingers, Mafuyu fastens his scarf around his neck and mouth.
„Earlier, Uenoyama-kun..." he speaks in a low voice after a long moment. „What was it that you wanted to say?"
Uenoyama's brows furrow. „Earlier?"
„When you were talking about me coming into your life... can you please tell me the rest?"
„What do you think I wanted to say, Mafuyu?" Uenoyama tilts his head, wanting to catch the light in his eyes.
„I don't know," he murmurs and bites his lip. „It's been too long."
„Well, you are the poet. I trust that your skills will be able to finish my sentence. So, let's give it a try. You coming into my life was..." Uenoyama presses and reaches for Mafuyu's hand with the tips of his fingers. „Now, you continue."
„I don't know, Uenoyama-kun," Mafuyu repeats, lifting his gaze at Uenoyama. „Is it something bad?"
Uenoyama's fingers twitch, and he retracts his hand. „Why do you think that?"
„Be-because of everything that happened."
Uenoyama exhales. „You coming into my life was..." he insists and goes to carefully part Mafuyu's messy fringe.
„A mistake," Maufyu says, his tone strained.
„The best thing that ever happened to me," Uenoyama offers and leans to his forehead. He presses a soft kiss there, and the sensation of Mafuyu's skin overwhelms his body, making him shiver. „You changed my life, and for that, I will always be grateful."
Mafuyu brings his hand to his mouth, looking to hide more of his flustered cheeks. It's as though Uenoyama's gesture unleashed something in him, Mafuyu now struggling to keep his eyes from welling up.
„So, what do you think?" Uenoyama asks after a long moment and catches the brief surprise that rushes across Mafuyu's face.
„About what, Uenoyama-kun?"
„Is there still a chance?" He presses, hesitantly, and determined at the same time
„For us, you mean?"
Uenoyama nods, entirely smitten by Mafuyu's unguarded expression, „Yeah."
„Wh-what do you have in mind?" he hesitates, then turns his head to the side.
„It wasn't my intention to do this tonight, Mafuyu, but I want you to know. You see, even with our separation, you are still very much alive in my heart," Uenoyama finally says, recognizing that all hesitation has long left him. „I don't know what this is, but no matter the distance or the time, it's always you that my mind drifts towards," he then goes to gently lift Mafuyu's chin so that he can gaze into his eyes, unwilling to miss any of his reactions.
It's essential for him that Mafuyu sees him, that he recognizes the regret and the hurt that became so much part of him, Uenoyama can't remember a time in which he wasn't burdened by them.
„I miss you, Mafuyu. I never stopped missing you."
Mafuyu reaches out for Uenoyama. He grabs his hand, his fingers gently intertwining with Uenoyama's, and brings it close to his cheek, nestling in its warmth. Mafuyu's cheek is soft and pleasant, and Uenoyama wishes that he won't let go of his hand. That Mafuyu will allow him to wrap his arms around him so that he can lean against his body and rest his head at the base of Mafuyu's neck, surrounding himself with his scent. And he would touch his skin once more, breathe him in, and eventually taste him, reaccustom himself with everything Mafuyu is.
„I need some time, Uenoyama-kun," Mafuyu murmurs, bringing him back to the present. „There are some things I need to go over before I can go back to this," he says and then takes Uenoyama's hand away from his face.
Uenoyama fights the sinking feeling inside of him, but there's no opposing the reverberating ache. That scenario was too good to be true, he thinks as excitement is fading from his veins. So this is what Kaji-san was talking about when he mentioned lust.
„Of course, take as long as you need," Uenoyama says decisively, still clutching onto Mafuyu's hand with the tips of his fingers. „Just know that... I'll wait, ok? I'll wait for you, Mafuyu."
„Ok, Uenoyama-kun," Mafuyu forces a smile and then turns around, his hand still at the mercy of Uenoyama's firm fingers.
After a long moment, Uenoyama releases Mafuyu's hand, and he begins to put distance between them. Uenoyama's eyes are stuck to him, to his shape, to his everything, only then noticing how the world is becoming bleaker around him once more.
I'll never get used to this sight, Uenoyama thinks critically, but somehow, I still have to allow it to happen.
Uenoyama wakes up the next day with an incredibly persistent hangover. In his painful daze, he reaches for his phone. There are a dozen missed calls notifications covering its screen. From Itaya.
Uenoyama's confusion turns into panic when he realizes he's forgotten about rehearsals, and what's worse, he's late for the recording session. Shougo will kill me, Uenoyama thinks and jumps out of bed, rushing through the house in search of a clean pair of jeans.
Recognizing the train would further expand on his lateness, he takes a taxi. Uenoyama knows it will be expensive, but if nothing else, it will teach him to be more diligent towards his duties.
Once at the studio, Uenoyama profoundly apologizes to the staff who have been waiting for him. They accept his apology without fuss and invite him to begin the session whenever he is ready. Uenoyama breathes relieved, although something in their demeanor is making him think that they are more than used to this sort of thing happening.
They probably think I see myself as too big of a star to respect appointments, Uenoyama thinks while tuning his guitar inside the live room. Shit, I must do everything I can to prove that I am not the spoiled brat they think I am.
Uenoyama then fastens the guitar strap around his shoulder, and with the pick steady in his hand, he strums the cords, the song's intro thunderous and striking, just like it was in his mind.
„Thank you for your work today," the sound engineer says as soon as Uenoyama steps out of the live room. „This was by far your best performance."
Uenoyama flinches. He never heard the sound engineer so cheerful before, but then again, there's a first for everything. Uenoyama nods and bows before zipping his guitar in the bag and throws it on his shoulder.
And there he is, Uenoyama thinks when he spots Itaya outside the studio with his nose in his phone. He approaches his friend and stops beside him, Itaya still oblivious to his presence.
„Something important?" Uenoyama asks, frustrated that he's being ignored.
„You were late," Itaya utters, finishing his business on his phone and then glances at Uenoyama.
„Don't look at me like that," he snaps and retreats. „You are partly to blame for this too."
„What are you talking about? Is this what you have to say after everything I've done for you?" Itaya reproaches, hiding his chuckle in his hand.
Uenoyama clicks his tongue and chuckles briefly, too. He runs a hand through his hair and relaxes after noticing that Itaya doesn't bear any resentment for his blunder.
„So, Uecchi, before thanking me for having your back today, tell me," Itaya then snickers mischievously. „Did you have fun at the party?"
Uenoyama rolls his eyes. „Ask me that when the hangover dies out and after I get a call from..." he stops himself, the flush of honesty a bit too abrupt.
Itaya's expression becomes guarded. „From?"
„Ah, no, nobody. I mean, Haruki-san, you see, I thought that he would... the book. To do the book," Uenoyama stumbles, Itaya's sudden boldness affecting his confidence.
„To do the book. Are you even from this planet?" he scoffs, shaking his head. „Uecchi, I thought you said no secrecy."
„There is no secrecy. It's just that..." he then says, scouring his mind for the right words but unable to find them, Uenoyama exhales, and supporting his forehead with his fingers, he opens his mouth to speak. „Ok, fine. Yesterday was fun, and I had no idea..."
Uenoyama stops briefly, distracted by how close Itaya got to him. Not to mention, it's hard to dismiss the intense curiosity glowing in his eyes.
„That people can be so forgiving," Uenoyama resumes, and his scowl turns into something of a soft smile. „For the longest time, I thought that what I did to my bandmates could never be remedied. But then again, it's not like I even tried to mend things. So, in a way, yeah, it turned out fine."
„But that's not entirely true, is it?" Itaya pushes, and Uenoyama perks up. „There is still something bothering you," he says and points to his phone, which Uenoyama had in his hand. „You said you were waiting for a call?"
„Ah, about that," Uenoyama goes to scratch the back of his neck. „Yeah, a call, I guess."
Itaya is scrutinizing him but chooses to say nothing. Uenoyama's lips thin. He takes a moment to think, and after gathering some courage, he glances back at his friend.
„Listen, I owe you a meal anyway, so, just give me a bit more time, ok? When all these things settle, I will tell you everything... and then we can go out for dinner. All four of us."
Itaya is about to jump up in the excitement but stops right before announcing his joy for the whole street to hear. His brow twitches, struggling to make sense of Uenoyama's words. He then lifts his hand before him, his fingers spread out. „Me, one, my girlfriend, two, you, three and..." his eyes then dart to Uenoyama's. „Uecchi! You sly dog!"
Uenoyama's gaze is aimed at the horizon, but his cheeks are quick to redden. „I said to wait, so just wait," he urges with half a mouth, his friend's enthusiasm a bit too much for him to handle.
„Take as long as you need," Itaya smiles. „But don't be late for the recording sessions anymore. I don't know what I'd do if one day you decide to give all this up."
Uenoyama lifts an eyebrow. „Where did the idea of giving up come from?"
„Just so we are clear, Uecchi, I will drag you in that studio myself if I have to," Itaya says, a terrifying honesty underlining his tone. „Nothing is going to stop me from seeing this album finished, you hear me?"
„That's a whole new side to you, Shougo," Uenoyama retreats from his friend's side and swallows, his eyes widening in fright. „We'll see this through, don't worry. And I promise I won't be late anymore."
Uenoyama has never been more active on his phone than he has been these past few days. Rekindling his relationship with Haruki and Akihiko, and his sister meant that he is chatting more often to them. They keep asking him about his album's progress, his music, his future concerts. While he doesn't have all the information they request, he does his best to humor them and reply in good time.
It's late in the evening when his sister informs him that she has everything set for dinner with their parents the next day. Uenoyama glances at the message and winces. Remembering his promise to her and forcing himself to leave behind any bad feelings, however, he types back, confirming his attendance. His sister replies with a cheerful emoji, which makes him huff out a laugh.
It's going to be weird to be back there, Uenoyama thinks as he steps outside on the balcony to smoke before bed. There are so many memories at my childhood home connected to the time when Mafuyu and I were together, I wonder how I'll handle it.
Uenoyama lights his cigarette and watches the smoke lifting from the smoldering tip. Mafuyu would come over, and we would do homework, listen to music together, watch movies when my parents weren't home, Uenoyama thinks, and lifts his fingers to his mouth. We would kiss so much that my lips would end up hurting the next day. It felt so pleasant to have him in my arms, to hold tightly onto him. To know he wasn't further than an arm's length away from me.
Uenoyama exhales, and his shoulders relax. It's as though, even then, Uenoyama thinks, and a shiver crosses his spine, I was afraid that he might slip away. But I didn't give it any thought; I never knew that there would come a time when we wouldn't see each other for more than a day at a time.
He takes a puff of his cigarette and then reaches for his phone. He scrolls through the contacts and notices Mafuyu's email still there. He might've changed it, or he might not answer if I type to him, Uenoyama thinks, finding it hard to make up his mind as to what he wants to do. But I need to give him time since it's what he asked for.
Uenoyama puts the phone back in his pocket, and after extinguishing his cigarette, he leaves the cold balcony to the whims of that chilly early winter night.
The following evening, Uenoyama goes to his family. As he is standing in front of his childhood apartment door, he begins to feel uneasy. I used to have keys to this place, he thinks and stirs, I never needed to ring the bell. But before those thoughts overwhelm him, Uenoyama is greeted by his father, who warmly embraces him.
The dinner table filled to the brim with many of his favorite dishes. His mother, with a bit of help from Yayoi, truly outdid herself. She is so happy to see him, she has tears in her eyes the whole time they eat. It's somewhat nostalgic to be back in his childhood home, but Uenoyama doesn't feel burdened by it. Much to his surprise, it's somewhat comforting. And incredibly nostalgic.
„I need to be up early tomorrow for practice," Uenoyama says when his father suggests he should spend the night there. „My guitar is back at the apartment, and I need it for the recording session."
His father nods and doesn't press further. However, seizing the opportunity, his mother dismisses the work aspect of their conversation. She redirects it towards something more intriguing for her – his relationship status. Uenoyama jolts, the topic finding him utterly unprepared.
„Ah, mom," Yayoi speaks up and begins gesturing a bit too enthusiastically from over her side of the table. „After he finishes recording his music, Rikka will have more free time, and maybe we could all go somewhere nice together to celebrate the launch of his album," she offers, and the light in her mother's eyes comes alive. „Also, because there's something I want to tell you guys..."
Yayoi glances at her brother before continuing to speak. He is leaning so far down his chair, he is honestly considering sliding all the way and then make a run for it. But he takes a deep breath and thanks Yayoi for the distraction she provided with a nod, and she smiles at him.
Their parents are taken aback by Yayoi's proposition to move in with her boyfriend, but they don't oppose it. Her mother finally breaks down in tears but accepts Yayoi's embrace once she offers it. Uenoyama smiles at them from over his side of the table, spotting tears in his sister's eyes as well.
„Thank you for keeping your promise," Yayoi says, following her brother outside after he excused himself from the dinner table.
„Thank you too," Uenoyama says tersely, instinctively trying to hide the cigarette from her. „But, you know, you don't always have to intervene like that. You need to trust that I..."
„Will handle things?" she huffs and shakes her head dismissively. „Rikka, you can lie all you want to yourself, but don't you dare do the same thing with me. I can see right through you."
Uenoyama swallows. Yayoi glances at the cigarette in his hands, and he smiles apologetically at her. She rolls her eyes and then leans on the railing beside him.
„No matter what happens," she says after a long moment, now more calm in her tone and approach, „no matter how big of a musician you will become, you will always be my brother. And I will do everything in my power to help you out."
„Is it because you feel guilty?" he asks, taking a long puff of his cigarette, and she jolts before turning to meet his gaze. „About back then?"
A rush of sorrow flashes across Yayoi's face, her cheeks whitening. She understands that Uenoyama is referring to the time when she approached him to discourage him from seeing Mafuyu. It was a long time ago, back when he was in high school, but her brother hasn't forgotten. And neither has she.
„There were a lot of things I didn't understand back then. And I was certain that by addressing the issue, I'd change your mind. But then I ended up hurting you. So I'm really sorry about that, Rikka," Yayoi lowers her head and clenches her chest with her hand. „Please forgive me for my ignorance."
„It's ok," he murmurs, although both of them recognize it's far from all right. „Distance clears up a lot of things. And since we are here talking, still able to hang out, willing to have each other's back in front of our parents... I think we did just fine."
Yayoi nods, appreciating her brother's words. She watches him for a long moment, but after spotting an unsettling shadow in his eyes, she clears her throat. „So, how are things now, then?"
„What do you mean?" he asks absentmindedly, stirring from one foot to the other.
„You know, things..."
„You are starting to sound like mom," he stands up and shakes the ash off his cigarette before bringing it to his lips.
Yayoi goes to arrange her hair around her ears, her nerves still making her heart tremble. „It's because I worry, just like she does."
„That I will end up alone?" Uenoyama scoffs, turning his head to her.
„That you will never mend your broken heart," Yayoi finally says, and her brother flinches. „How are things with Mafuyu?" she finally words the question, despite knowing all too well how much strain it will put on him.
„I haven't talked to him since the party," Uenoyama replies in one breath, his heart thumping violently in his chest.
Yayoi crosses her arms on her chest. „And? Aren't you going to?"
„I don't know," Uenoyama clenches his hands on the railing, forcing himself to speak. „He said he needed time. And I don't feel like I have the right to rush him in any way."
„Go to him," Yayoi says loudly and clearly, disregarding his words entirely.
His eyes dart to hers, and they swap expressions for a moment. „Do what now?"
„Go to him," Yayoi repeats, noticing her brother's persisting confusion. „Actions speak louder than words, right? Show him that you care, Rikka. That you truly care and that what was between you two wasn't just a phase."
Uenoyama looks at her, and although it takes him a while to make peace with her words, deep down, he knows he wants to do just that. He extinguishes his cigarette and approaches his sister. He then reaches his arm out and pats his sister on the head.
„Hey there, mister! Just because you are taller than me doesn't mean you can treat me like a little sister."
„Thank you," he then says and goes on ahead inside the house, his smile so faint, but Yayoi catches it nonetheless.
I need to ask Mafuyu about what he wants to do, Uenoyama thinks as he is walking away from the studio one evening, I know I shouldn't be rushing, but I can't help it. There are many things I want to know, and if I'm to do this properly, I can't skip any steps. I have to go to him so that we can talk.
Uenoyama is waiting for the train, the craze of rush hour almost having entirely passed. Haruki-san was kind enough to share the location of where Mafuyu's next book signing event is going, Uenoyama thinks and checks the link Haruki sent him, it's on the other side of town. I'll probably make it right before it's over
While in the past, the distance between them was something Uenoyama forced himself to get accustomed to, now it's becoming too much. I sort of confessed to him back at Kaji-san's birthday party, Uenoyama thinks, biting his lip, recognizing how disheartened he's been feeling as of late. And Mafuyu never got back to me about it.
Uenoyama exits the train station and makes his way to the bookstore, which is right around the corner. His step is rushed, but that's because it's close to closing hours. He pushes the door open, and crossing the threshold with shaking knees, he lifts his eyes to investigate the area.
There is barely anybody inside, apart from the cashier and the cleaning staff, which are making their way through the rows of bookshelves. Uenoyama goes past them and spots a placard indicating the location of Mafuyu's stand - toward the back of the store.
Why does it feel like I'm intruding, Uenoyama thinks, his heart in his throat. The closer he gets to the stand, he begins to hear the faint echoes of muffled voices. Whispers.
Uenoyama advances curiously and cautiously, and just as he distinguishes the shape of a person, he freezes. The guy from before is holding tightly onto Mafuyu, just like he wanted to hold him. As for Mafuyu, his arms are around his neck, similar to how he imagined he would hold onto him.
Uenoyama feels his blood turning cold, and with his head in a cloud of dark haze, he forces himself to turn around. He stormes out of the bookstore so quickly that the cashier yells after him to slow down, fearing he might pass through the door in his rashness or, worse, tear it down.
„I am such an idiot," Uenoyama huffs, pain and anger so close to his heart it's making his eyes water. Everybody moved on, he thinks, gritting his teeth, his whole body shaking violently, they are living their lives, enjoying the company of those they love and that loves them back. I'm the only one who still looks in the past for comfort. I am such an idiot. Seriously, the biggest...
„Uenoyama-kun!"
The voice plucks him out of his mind, and Uenoyama stops. He whips around and gazes at a panting Mafuyu, who's holding so tightly onto his arm that it's keeping him from taking another step forward.
„You lied," Uenoyama says between his teeth.
„Uenoyama-kun," Mafuyu breathes, struggling to pull himself together and find his words.
„You said you didn't have anybody else, and then..." Uenoyama turns to him, tears outlining the edges of his eyes. „How could you, Mafuyu?!"
Mafuyu tugs on his sleeve, and his lips twist as though unable to hold himself back. „Because I needed to know!"
„What? What more do you need to know?" Uenoyama pulls suddenly and breaks Mafuyu's grasp on his arm. „Have three years apart not been enough for you? Three years in which I kept thinking about what I did wrong to make you turn your back on everything. Hating myself because I didn't do better," he blurts, the anger so evident, Mafuyu turns small in front of him. „Because I wasn't better for you," he says and pauses to level his tone. „But maybe this whole time, I wasn't at fault at all."
„It's not like that, Uenoyama-kun," Mafuyu murmurs, shaking his head, his gaze unflinching.
„Then how is it, Mafuyu?" Uenoyama asks, finding it difficult to keep calm. „Go on, then. No more secrets, no more lyrics, no more poems. Just tell me so that we can move on with our lives."
Mafuyu flinches as a cold shiver traverses his body and parts his lips to speak. „When I turned my back on you that day, I was sure I was doing you a favor."
„You are lying again," Uenoyama retreats, but not before giving him a sharp look. „How does that even make any sense?"
„When we were asked to debut, I met with one of my childhood friends, Shizusumi, and he helped me put a lot of things in perspective. He told me that if I didn't feel ready to debut or be with you, for that matter, then I shouldn't hinder the band or you in any way," Mafuyu says, rubbing his hands nervously. „And because I didn't want to bind you to me, I forced myself to make a decision, no matter how painful it was," he continues and takes a moment before speaking once more, but this time, on with a much depreciative tone. „I mean, who was I to make any demands? Just a stray dog you picked up from the street and were struggling so much to nurture back to health that... you risked losing sight of what was important."
„Important?" Uenoyama repeats and frowns.
„Music, Uenoyama-kun," Mafuyu allows, and the word pierces Uenoyama's heart. „That was the most important thing to you, and I didn't want to rob you of that."
„Is that what you think?" Uenoyama speaks dryly, a lump in his throat.
„I guess that for the longest time, I was waiting for somebody to come and save me, free me from my past. But it was wrong of me to think like that," Mafuyu's voice is low but decisive, stuttering as he is struggling to keep his tears at bay. „It was wrong of me to pressure you to save me. I had to learn to do that by myself before reaching out to other people," Mafuyu lifts his eyes to Uenoyama. „And asking them to be with me."
„You are so stupid, Mafuyu, seriously," Uenoyama says and hides his face in the palm of his hand. „I have never met somebody more thick-skulled than you..."
Mafuyu approaches him and tries to sneak a glance at his eyes. „I didn't want to be responsible for slowing you down. Because that side of you, that goes after the things you like and want," he takes a moment before continuing, „that part I admire the most."
Thank you for not giving up, Ritsuka.
Uenoyama flinches and removes the hand from his face. „Don't say that, Mafuyu," he urges and takes a step away from him.
„I mean it," he nods slowly. „You know, it's just like you said. No matter the time or distance, Ritsuka, I also still..."
„Cut it out already!" Uenoyama snaps, that time, anger more than evident in his voice. „You have no right to call me by that name, you hear me? Not after...Not after what you did!"
Uenoyama lowers his eyes, gritting hard on his teeth. There's so much hurt in his heart that he feels unfocused, numb. Like he is about to suffocate if he doesn't take a breath of air.
„I'm sorry you think that I lied to you, but I never did. There was no other boyfriend," Mafuyu says. „He just... showed up at the right time, and, ah, how should I say?"
„Just say it, Mafuyu," Uenoyama barks. It's not like it's any of my business, and while I don't want to hear it, he thinks critically, I feel like I need to know.
„He helped me through some really tough times."
„By holding your hand and embracing you as he did back there?"
Mafuyu shakes his head. „It's because he admires my work, and well, in the process of seeing it through, he might have... caught some feelings for me."
Uenoyama gazes at him, clearly locked in a brutal spar with his mind.
„I had little say in that," Mafuyu adds, but Uenoyama remains unconvinced.
„Apart from the fact that you encouraged those feelings."
Mafuyu averts his eyes.
Uenoyama feels his heart sink and the anger resurfacing; he can't oppose it once more. After clicking his tongue sharply, he whips around and begins to walk away from Mafuyu, the pain now eating away so viciously at his heart, Uenoyama fears it won't stop until it devours it whole.