Chapter 6

"There you are Emma," Isabella murmured as she entered the bedroom and spied Emma lying on the bed, "you missed the rest of tea."

Emma was startled to realize how long it had been since she had fled her conversation with Ms. Bates to the bedroom she frequented at her sister's house. The past few hours had been spent lying on the bed staring at the ceiling trying to understand why she was so hurt by everything that was going on.

She had finally concluded that he was not the man she had always thought him to be. Perhaps he had always been complicated but she had been too young to know any different.

"I had a bit of a headache," Emma finally mumbled while sitting up in bed, "I wanted a quiet place to lie down."

"I will ask the housekeeper to bring you some warm milk and a light snack," Isabella murmured.

Isabella stood watching her sister for a few moments before sighing and sitting down beside her on the bed. "Emma, is everything alright? You have not been yourself these past few weeks and I am starting to get worried."

Emma just felt emotionally exhausted. She wanted to deny everything and just say she was fine, but the two sisters had always been close, and she finally just leaned into her sister and rested her head on her older sisters' shoulder. It was moments like that this Emma strongly wished her mother were still alive. She needed advice and help on sorting out her conflicted feelings and wanted someone to just hold her tight and make everything better. Although her mother was not here, her sister was, and as Isabella put her arms around her little sister, Emma finally felt herself relax and let the tears fall.

The sisters sat in silence until Emma finally whispered, "how can you be so okay with Jake ending his engagement? How could he do this? How could he be so heartless? He has secrets and he will not share them with me. I thought he was my best friend."

Isabella sighed. "I had a feeling it was related to Jake," she finally murmured. "Emma, I am also shocked by the way things happened. It is never easy to hear about a relationship ending, especially when they have committed to marry."

"I truly do not know why things ended but I guess the reason I do not feel as conflicted about it is that although he is my brother, his engagement was not something I thought of daily. It just was but I was busy with my husband and children. In your case, I know you spent considerable amount of time with both Jake and Ms. Taylor. However, even though you were always with them, things ended, and you do not know why and suddenly you are feeling adrift. You have lost your two closest companions."

"Emma, I know you consider Jake to be your closest friend, but you sometimes forget he is twelve years older than you and has a separate life outside of what you are privy to. There must be lots of things he does not share or discuss with you about his daily life and responsibilities. Maybe he is not able to share the reasons because they might be private or might not be suitable for an unmarried young woman."

"I am not so young anymore," Emma stated, "most of my friends are married with children of their own."

"But you are unmarried, and there are certain topics that just cannot be discussed with unmarried ladies."

"Ms. Taylor did not have any such secrets that could not be discussed with me," Emma replied stubbornly."

Isabella sighed again, "I am not implying she does. I am simply stating there could be many reasons."

"Also, Emma, if you consider someone to be your friend, you have a tendency of noting only the good in them. Which is great," Isabella hastened to add, "but people can be more complicated than that. No one is always all good or all bad but varying shades."

Emma wanted to argue that Ms. Taylor was all good, but she did not know what to think anymore. Had she truly put Jake and Ms. Taylor on a pedestal without seeing them as complete individuals?

"Ms. Bates thinks Jake might be interested in Jane Fairfax," Emma finally mumbled instead.

Isabella stayed quiet for a few seconds before replying, "Jane Fairfax? I do not know if he is interested but I do suppose that would be a good match. They would be well suited, and she would do the Knightley name credit."

Emma straightened from her sister to give her an incredulous look.

"Why? Would that be a problem, Emma?" Isabella asked carefully.

Emma wanted to scream, Yes! That would be a horrendous match. Could no one understand it was a bad idea. However, all she did was shake her head with a softly spoken, "No, it would be of no matter to me."

A few days later, Emma was reading a book in the front parlor when her father came in to join her.

"It has been more than a month since Jake has been back and he has not resumed our weekly dinners," Mr. Woodhouse stated upon entering the room, "I have sent him a note to join us tonight."

Emma was startled by this announcement. Although she had been aware that Jake had not come by for dinner, she had not expected her father of all people to take charge in changing that.

"I do not know if I wish to dine with Mr. Knightley," Emma finally replied, "Perhaps I can take supper in my room tonight."

Mr. Woodhouse looked at his daughter with sadness and disappointment. He knew she was feeling hurt and he could allow her some leeway, but it had now been a month.

"Emma," Mr. Woodhouse began in a warning tone, "I expect you will join us for dinner. It would be the height of rudeness to ignore a guest I have invited for dinner."

Emma looked down and studied her hands. It was very rare her father used that tone with her, but she was immediately transported to feeling like a five-year-old being admonished for tracking dirt into the house.

"Yes Father," she finally mumbled. "But I will not partake in any after-dinner conversation," Emma added stubbornly.

Mr. Woodhouse sighed. He knew his daughter well and was not surprised by this pronouncement. Even when she was giving in, she still needed to have her way. "Emma dear, I understand you are loyal to Ms. Taylor, but we have known Jake all of our lives. Does he not deserve any loyalty and support from us?"

Emma looked up at her father, "but has he told you anything regarding why he ended the engagement? Does that not bother you? If he were in the right wouldn't he be telling everyone about it?"

"Not necessarily." Mr. Woodhouse rubbed his eyes, "he has not told me, but perhaps there are things he does not feel comfortable sharing. Not everything is meant for everyone's ears Emma, no matter how close you may be. That is not necessarily a reflection on how much someone cares. Have you never kept a secret from your sister or Ms. Taylor? My role is not to judge him for his actions but to be his friend."

Emma looked away in shame. Was she being unreasonable to expect Jake share everything with her? If it had been anyone but Jake would she be feeling this same sense of betrayal? It was not that she thought Jake shared every little thing with her, but in this matter, she had felt like she was privy to the inside story. She had been along for everything in the middle but was just realizing that she knew nothing in the beginning or end. It had taken her this long to realize that she had not known the reason why they suddenly got engaged. At the time, just the excitement of them being engaged had helped her overlook that. It was disheartening to realize her best friends had kept many secrets from her.

"I suppose you are right, Father," Emma admitted. "It is just I felt like I was a part of their engagement, and then to find out there were so many things that were happening around me that I was not part of. I thought I knew Ms. Taylor, and everyone keeps implying that maybe she had secrets that I did not know about. I thought I knew Mr. Knightley and his character. I always thought he was the most honorable man of our acquaintance, but he abandoned Ms. Taylor without a second thought. I feel like I do not know or understand anything anymore. All I know is Mr. Knightley is not the man I thought he was." She looked at her father imploringly, willing him to understand and agree.

"But maybe he is the same man," Mr. Woodhouse said quietly, "don't we all have many facets we present to the world? Emma you are young and even though you do a commendable job of taking care of everything and everyone at Hartfield, you have still led a sheltered life. I do not mean that as a slight, but you must realize there are many things that happen that we are not privy or exposed to."

Mr. Woodhouse sighed, "I do not necessarily understand Jake's actions. I believe the engagement was a necessity but there did not ever seem to be any imminent plans for a wedding. We might not approve or comprehend everything that has happened, but I would still wish you would give him the respect his position and our family history deserve."

Emma contemplated her fathers' words, acknowledging the truth behind the soft admonishment. She could not fully explain why her anger seemed to be solely directed at Mr. Knightley. It stood to reason that she should be just as angry with Ms. Taylor, and yet she had not felt this same level of betrayal and hurt at the thought that she had not confided her secrets in her. Mr. Knightley was not in any way obligated to share his personal thoughts or feelings with her, but Emma had not realized how much she had wanted him to. It was almost as though she considered herself to be foremost in his life and thus had wanted him to treat her as such in all aspects. It was a silly thought and not a practical one, but the hurt was there just the same.

Emma finally nodded and agreed to be polite to their dinner guest tonight.

Jake took a deep breath before knocking on the Hartfield manor main door. He had been to this house so many times in the past that he had no reason for the nervousness he was feeling, but this dinner felt different, as if he were on a precipice in his life with the outcome deciding if he will fall or soar.

"Welcome, Mr. Knightley," said the Woodhouse butler upon opening the door. He quickly gathered Jake's coat and hat and announced his presence to Mr. Woodhouse.

"Thank you for the dinner invite Mr. Woodhouse," Jake addressed his host formally.

Mr. Woodhouse just raised his eyebrow at Jake's formal tone, "Jake my boy, the week does not feel complete without my favorite dinner companion. It has now been several months since we have last dined together."

Jake grinned and felt his shoulders relax. He had missed the wisdom and discussions he had with Mr. Woodhouse. The weekly dinners had initially started when he had needed advice over how to deal with issues relating to his lands and tenant. They had continued because he had always felt comfortable and enjoyed the company of the older man. It had always been a bone of contention between Jake and his brother, that he was able to have an easy camaraderie where John still did not feel the same level of comfort with his father-in-law.

The two men moved onto topics of shared interest until it was nearly time for dinner to be served.

"Will Emma be joining us tonight?" Jake finally asked, hoping he appeared casual in his question.

Mr. Woodhouse cleared his throat, "yes, she should be down shortly. She knows what time dinner is served."

It was as though she had been summoned by their conversation, as she suddenly stood in the entrance of the dining room. Emma seemed to pause at the doorway and Jake could not help but stare. He felt his heartbeat increase as he took in her light blue silk dress. The dress was too fancy for their typical weekly dinners and more suited for a formal ball, yet she looked regal, sophisticated, and just right, as she stood watching Jake with equal interest. It was a sudden jolt to his system when their eyes met. The gaze was not shy or nervous but direct and intense as the two stared at each other across the room.

Jake did not break eye contact as he stood up and made his way towards the entrance.

"Miss. Woodhouse," he murmured with a formal bow towards the girl he had known his entire life.

"Mr. Knightley," Emma curtsied just as formally in return, while continuing to stare at this man who was so familiar but with his many secrets.

Jake offered her his arm to escort Emma to the table.

Emma simply raised her eyebrow, "I am sure I can walk myself from the door to my seat, Mr. Knightley."

"I am sure you can as well Miss. Woodhouse, but please allow me this honor anyways," Jake replied with a matched raised eyebrow.

Emma wanted to refuse but knew her father would be disappointed, so she finally accepted. It was confusing and not at all like previous dinners where Emma would have joined the men with a small greeting and made her way to her place. Their dinners were like family gatherings and no longer had the formality one would an invited guest. However, tonight felt different.

Mr. Woodhouse did not comment on Jake escorting Emma to her place at the table but instead just quietly observed the heightened color on her daughter's cheeks. He was hopeful she would keep her promise and get through this dinner without forgetting her manners.

"I apologize for being late," Emma finally broke the silence, "I hope I have not delayed dinner too much."

"Perfect timing, my dear," Mr. Woodhouse declared as the footmen began to bring in the first course.

The dinner did not have the ease of previous meals, but Mr. Woodhouse presence helped to avoid any unnecessary awkwardness or prolonged silences.

"Jake my boy, tell us about your travels," Mr. Woodhouse implored in his loud voice, "I do not understand this need to travel personally. A person should be content just where they are. What is there to see that I cannot see in Highbury. We have trees and lakes and fields, and that is enough for me."

Jake just laughed, "Mr. Woodhouse, I know you claim you do not have the temperament to travel, but I guarantee you would love it. The heat of the sun and warmth of the sand is like nothing one can imagine in our part of the continent."

"I quiet enjoy the rain. It makes the sunny days feel more deserved and special," Emma announced, finally deciding to take part in the conversation.

"That is an interesting perspective," Jake replied, giving the comment some deep thought, "I suppose you are right. I had planned on doing an extensive trip, but I went to a few places and then reached Italy and instantly fell in love. I spent majority of my time there. The sights, sounds, and smells were like nothing I had experienced in England. Everything seemed more vibrant and colorful, the food was richer, the smells so enticing, the sounds like music to my ear. Although, I do not speak Italian very well, I felt welcomed and comfortable. I did not feel any need to go further."

Jake looked directly at Emma before adding, "there were many things I saw that had me thinking, I wish I could share these with my friends, especially you, Emma. There is much you would love, and my fondest wish is that you get a chance to visit."

Emma stiffened at his words, "you claim to have thought of me during your trip, but the lack of reply to my letters suggests otherwise."

Jake gave a small smile and nodded, "you are correct. For that I am deeply sorry." He looked down at his dinner before quietly adding, "At first I was not staying in any single location and then later, I just needed the solitude. I only wrote to John out of pure necessity."

Mr. Woodhouse gave an understanding nod towards Jake, "we all need time to heal from our wounds."

"I do not believe that should apply when the wounds are self-inflicted," Emma added sharply.

"Emma," Mr. Woodhouse gave her a warning look.

Emma looked down at her plate but not before she saw the hurt in Jakes eyes. She knew she had once again said something that had deeply hurt Jake. She had wanted him to know she was angry but not by lashing out in this way. Undoubtedly, her father was disappointed in her and she hated letting him down, but it was too late to take back what she had said.

The awkward silence continued for a few moments until Emma finally mumbled, "I apologize Mr. Knightley. That was not very well done of me."

Jake gave her a small smile, "it is of no matter. Pray tell how your days were spent while I was away?"

By writing letters to you and Ms. Taylor. By wishing you would reply, either of you. By missing you and wondering where you were and if you were okay and wanting to know what had happened. There were many things Emma wanted to say but, in the end, just shrugged, "you are already aware of my daily routine. It did not vary very much during the past few months."

The dinner continued with different tales of the sights of Italy. Jake was not generally a very dramatic man and not known for his story telling, but the way he described his trip had Emma enthralled and wishing she could have been along to experience the moments herself. Where usually it was Emma who would entertain the men with her stories, tonight the roles had been reversed and it was Jake carrying most of the conversation, with questions peppered throughout by her father. Emma would offer a few comments but did not partake the same way she generally did in the conversation.

'For someone who claimed to have been healing from a broken engagement, he sure did manage to see a number of sights and enjoy the local foods,' Emma thought bitterly.

The thought was interrupted as the footmen came in to clear the dishes. The three would generally retire to the study where they would take tea and eat their dessert next to the fire. The dinners had always been about general topics but the discussions by the fire were more intimate and livelier. The three occupants would sit until late into the night sometimes passionately discussing a heated topic or other times quietly sharing thoughts about the day's events over a game of chess.

However, Emma did not want to spend the next hour sitting by the fire with Jake Knightley. It all rang false now and where she had been confident that Jake shared just as much with her as she did with him, now she was not sure. She did not think she had any secrets that she had kept from Jake or her father. Granted most of her secrets were of the garden variety which she had easily shared with Jake with her father present, but it was still painful to realize just how naïve she had been.

"If you gentlemen will excuse me tonight, I do not think I will be joining for an after-dinner drink and dessert. Enjoy your time without me," Emma declared as she slowly made to get up, "good night."

Emma could feel both her fathers and Jake's eyes on her as they stood to allow her to exit the room.