Author's Note: Guess who's back! I'm on another rewatch of our beloved show - inspired by the new podcast with Melinda and Rachel. Then I got further inspired to write a new chapter. Hope you enjoy!
She said hello to her assistant and reached for the door to her office. Even though she wasn't expecting anyone, she heard the front office door open. She looked up to see who had entered.
"Mr. Cohen." Doctor Murray said. "I didn't expect this."
"I need to talk to you."
"Come in."
She walked into her office. Sandy closed the door behind him.
"I'm sorry to barge in but it's urgent."
"Is everything okay?" She sat at her desk and sipped from her travel coffee mug.
"Theoretically." He held up his hand. She noticed his red knuckles and reacted briefly with her eyebrows. "I beat up… someone." He'd nearly said 'a family friend'. "And Kirsten left."
"Left?"
"She spent the night alone at a hotel. She asked a friend to take her there. She couldn't be near me anymore."
"Space isn't always a bad thing. How did it feel when she left?"
He took his time and then a breath.
"Doc, I'm out of control. I'm hurting Kirsten and that's the last thing I ever want. It's that cliche, right? 'I don't recognize myself'," he said. "But I do. I'm acting like the boy I used to be, instead of the man I am. I've spent the last two years trying to get my son Ryan to use his words instead of his fists; I've got to take my own advice."
"Okay. Let's talk." She checked her watch, then grabbed a notebook and pen. "I have an hour. Tell me about the fight - a stranger or did you know this person?"
Sandy finally sat down. He took another deep breath. "His name is Jimmy and he dated Kirsten when they were in high school."
"They remained friends?"
"Yes." He tried to keep the edge out of his voice.
"Is that why-?"
"No." Sandy interrupted impatiently. "Kirsten remembered. She flashed back in a dream and she remembered that... the guy..." His voice gave out. He cleared his throat. "The rapist. Kirsten's rapist." He paused, letting the words hover.
He felt sick to his stomach. His hand twitched and he felt the tight soreness in his knuckles.
"Sandy, hold tight. I'm going to get something for you."
As she passed him, a tear rolled down his face. She returned and placed a bottle of water in front of him. He uncapped, drank a sip and felt the water cool him and his stomach quietened.
When he let out a long breath, Doctor Murray pressed on.
"Kirsten remembered..."
"Yes," he said, getting back on track. "She remembered that the rapist knew Jimmy. He said Jimmy's name, kind of taunting, making fun of him, 'Mr. Cooper'." He paused for another sip. "For a second, I registered that as a step, a lead. Sure, I was frustrated that JImmy played any role in this but more than anything, I want this guy off the street. Then Kirsten said he told Jimmy to shut up." He realized Doc needed context. "The story I'd been told was that he, Jimmy, was knocked out during. He couldn't do anything to help her because he was unconscious.
"That already pissed me off. If I'd been there, I would have moved heaven and earth. Come to find out, he was awake and talking! This asshole raping my wife told Jimmy to shut up, to stop apologizing."
As he said all this, Sandy kept his eyes on the floor. Doctor Murray watched his eyes move back and forth periodically as he processed. Instead of urging him through this pause, she gave him the space to continue when he was ready.
"Apologizing," He repeated. His disgust was evident. "While she was fighting-" The anger rose within him again. "Being violated, hit in the face with a seat belt, crying, fighting, Jimmy didn't scream, he didn't get up, he didn't-"
While naming the violent acts, the energy in Sandy brought him to his feet and then he started pacing behind the couch.
"He just sat there, apologizing over and over again. Like the piece of shit he is. This is a guy who I've been compared to since I got here. Her father, her friends, this 'high society', has Jimmy fucking Cooper on a pedastal, wanted Kirsten to marry him and make trust fund babies together."
He paused long enough that Doctor Murray prompted.
"And she stayed friends with him all these years?"
He didn't answer her question but moved onto his next thought. "Neither told the cops that detail either."
"You're angry at Jimmy. Are you also angry at your wife?"
He took his time - a full minute - before shaking his head.
"She's hurting."
"That doesn't mean you can't be angry with her."
"She did it for me. She didn't tell anyone because she knew if I found out, I'd do what I did. She wanted to protect me."
"How do you feel toward Kirsten? Is there a word more palatable than anger?"
He thought.
"Anger's been my strongest feeling recently. It's hard to see past it. Initially yesterday I was mad because she hadn't told the cops. But now I see why she didn't. She wanted to spare another blow to me and to herself. She wants to find a new normal, get on with life - and I keep making that impossible. She told me on the phone last night that without saying anything, I remind her of that night every day."
"How did it feel to hear that?"
"A punch in the gut. A reality check, too, I suppose. Hence my presence at your door this A.M. I can't do that anymore. I have to heal myself if I'm going to be there for her."
"Well, Sandy, if there were magic words, that might be them. Admitting really is the first step to any type of recovery." She checked her watch again. "We've got more time. Keep going."
Jimmy had a broken nose, a black eye and a concussion. Due to the latter, he had to be observed overnight and with Julie refusing to let him in the house, he had to stay at the hospital and rely on nurses to keep him from dying.
When he heard a knock on the door, Jimmy looked up expecting another nurse but to his surprise, Julie entered followed by Kirsten, her arms crossed protectively around herself.
Kirsten couldn't have explained how uncomfortable she felt. She did not want to be in the same room as this man to begin with, then to see his familiar face covered in bruises. It stirred up feelings of compassion within her, which was the last thing she wanted to feel toward him. Mentally, she shook off those thoughts, focused and steeled herself.
"Let's start with this," Kirsten began. "I'm not here for you."
"You're here for Sandy." To her surprise, he sounded sincere. "It's always because of Sandy."
"I don't have anything for collateral but I'm asking you not to press charges."
"I can't say you didn't warn me," he said dryly and was met with silence. "When I came back to Newport and reunited with Marissa and…" He didn't dare say Julie's name after the earful she gave him the night before. "I wanted to be back for good. But this place, it brings out the worst of me and people I love end up paying for it."
Kirsten stood still. Regardless of how loud her BS meter was going off, she needed one thing from this broken man. She let herself remember boardrooms and contractors; how she used to bide her time for a living. She could most definitely wait Jimmy out.
"I've spent half my life pining for you instead of truly accepting my reality."
At this, Kirsten nearly faltered, her stomach clenched thinking of Julie hearing this.
"In the end, I let you down in the biggest way. I wish I was better, Kirsten, Julie. You both deserve much better."
Neither woman spoke or moved.
"Not the first punch I've deserved, probably won't be the last. Of course, I won't press charges against Sandy. I don't want to cause you any more heartache. I gave another statement to the detectives. I really didn't know the guy, Kirsten, I swear. I-"
Julie stepped in.
"Thank you, James."
Kirsten realized the out her friend was giving her. She nodded slightly toward Jimmy before turning and walking out of the room. She put a few rooms between herself and Jimmy before she stopped and placed a hand on the wall.
Even though she could hear Julie's heels clicking behind her, the pressure of a hand on her shoulder made her jump.
Julie immediately pulled her hand back and then put both her hands in the air. She began to apologize fiercely. Kirsten grabbed one of Julie's hands to silence her friend.
She clenched her eyes shut. She hated that she'd jumped, that she was jumpy. Feelings of fear and then anger twisted inside her. She took in a deep breath, let it go and released Julie's hand. She opened her eyes.
"Kirsten, I-"
"Please. Please don't apologize."
Julie nodded slowly. Kirsten was still holding onto the wall. Her mind tried to process all that'd happen in less than 24 hours. She kept her breathing steady, staring at the floor. After a few moments, she looked back up at Julie.
"Are you okay?" Kirsten asked.
"What?" Julie asked incredulously. How could Kirsten be worrying about her?
"I wish he hadn't said all that… 'pining' stuff. Are you okay? Seriously."
"I will be. I'm swearing off men." She wasn't sure if now was time for humor but smiled when the edges of Kirsten's lips curved up. "Over time, I'll work through what's happened between he and I. But what he did..." She paused, out of respect for Kirsten, out of anger at Jimmy, out of disgust at the whole situation. "You're my best friend, Kiki. I keep losing people but you keep hanging on, no matter what I get myself into."
Kirsten smiled again. "Thank you for coming with me. To face him."
"Whatever you need, I'm here."
Kirsten paused in thought.
"I need to go home."
Julie offered to stay but Kirsten entered the house alone. She was a bit surprised that Sandy didn't meet her at the door. She had seen his car in the driveway and figured he probably wasn't far. She walked to their room and put her bag on the table.
Out the window, she spotted him lying on a lounger by the pool, looking out pensively at the ocean.
She opened their doors to the backyard. Immediately, his head turned at the sound. He sat up straight, swung his feet off the lounger but he didn't stand. She appreciated his respect for her. He wasn't rushing to her, crowding her; he was waiting.
"Kirsten."
She felt more than heard him breathe her name. It could still give her butterflies, warm her soul, soothe her heart.
"Hi." She said and took a seat across from him on a second lounger.
"How are you?"
"Okay." A silence lingered. "He won't press charges."
"You saw him." There was no accusation in his tone.
"Julie and I did. At the hospital."
"I'm sorry."
She merely nodded.
"Thank you." He said. "For protecting me."
She looked up at him. His eyes were deeper than she'd seen them lately. She couldn't pinpoint what but something made them look more familiar.
"Til death," she said softly.
Tenderly, tentatively, he reached his hand across to touch her left hand, manipulating it softly until it lay perfectly in his own. Ever so slightly, he twisted the gold band on her finger.
"I love you, Kirsten. I love you so much. Your strength, your intelligence, your compassion. All of you. You said I remind you every day of what happened."
Her fingers intertwined with his and she squeezed.
"Sandy-"
"I'm glad you did."
Her eyes softened and he continued.
"I'm glad you said that. I needed to hear it. I've been so focused on failing to protect you that somehow I started hurting you myself. Thank you for what you did today - cleaning up my mistake. I'm taking responsibility for the others."
He checked in and seeing he was still talking to a receptive audience, he continued.
"I did something today that might blow your mind," he said. "I saw Dr. Murray."
He saw her reaction. Slight, but it made his heart flutter. Feeling confident in reading his wife's signals, he pushed further to lighten the tone. "Remember when Seth wanted to camp at the movie theater ahead of the Star Wars premiere?"
She smiled.
"Yeah, that was basically me at Doc's office. Early, first in line."
"I bet she was surprised to see you."
"Definitely. But she had a free hour and took me on the spot. I told her about yesterday, about you leaving, about that being a wake up call." He paused, wanting to say the next part clearly. He wanted her to feel the weight of his words. "Kirsten, I'm all in. You know me better than I do most days. You believe therapy will help. I trust you. I'm in."
She searched his eyes. Deep blue, loving, warm. They were determined, hopeful. She hadn't seen hope in his eyes in so long.
She took a deep breath before standing and moving to sit beside him. She learned her head on his shoulder and breathed deep again. This time his scent mingled in with the warm ocean air. It continued to fill her even after she exhaled.
No longer tentative, Sandy put his arm around her shoulder and held her safely against him.
"Are you here for more clothes...?" He asked gently.
"I'm home."