XXX

Hey guys, here's the next chapter. Sorry it took me a while, but between the surgery and school I really wasn't up for editing.

This chapter is the last 'full' chapter, but there is also a sort-of 'epilogue' (?) after.

Thanks to everyone who wished me luck with my surgery/recovery. Turns out that the suspicious tissue was, in fact, cancer, but that it doesn't seem to have spread, so I should hopefully be fine after I recover from the surgery. Which sucks, but it could have been a lot worse if it hadn't been noticed so quickly (this whole thing started with getting some routine blood work). So, I guess the lesson is to take care of your health?

Idk, here's the chapter (there's a lot of potentially triggering discussion in this one):

XXX

When both Janus and Remus felt the pull of being summoned, they were surprised, but not nearly as surprised as they normally would have been. Janus sat up with a sigh.

"I suppose it's time to face the music," Janus muttered as he stood from the bed.

With a snap of his fingers, he was in his normal outfit. Remus stood next to him and did the same before pulling Janus into a one-armed hug.

"It'll be okay, Jan. If they're jerks, I'll stick piranhas in their beds."

"Thanks, Ree," Janus sighed, tapping a gloved finger against his own forearm. "I suppose we should get going, then."

And then they sunk into Thomas's living room, where everyone else was already gathered. Janus could see that they all wore serious expressions, as well as appearing to be rather upset. Most obviously, Patton's face was tear-stained and red, and it looked like he was trying very hard to not burst into tears again. Virgil was anxiously rocking on his heels, standing in front of the stairs rather than sitting on them for once. Logan was frowning slightly, and even though his expression was mostly blank, Janus could tell he was struggling to keep that neutrality. Roman was pacing in a short line, back and forth, though he stopped once he noticed their arrival. Thomas was looking right at them.

Well, this conversation was certainly not going to go the way he wanted it to, now was it?

The two of them had appeared in the middle of Thomas's living room, rather than in any of the positions they had previously occupied. Janus didn't like that. It made him feel like everyone was watching them. Though, they really were, so perhaps it didn't matter where exactly they stood, he supposed.

Janus knew what this was about. He knew why they'd been summoned, and it wasn't for one of Thomas's own dilemas. No. The others wanted to discuss the dying thing. And based on their expressions, Janus had an uncomfortable feeling that they might have figured out more than he ever wanted them to know.

"Oh, how wonderful, it seems like everyone's here," he drawled, falling back onto his old antagonistic facade. "I do love a good interrogation."

He clapped once before letting his hands fall down to his sides, making sure his face didn't betray any of the emotions he truly felt. Remus, however, shifted a little closer to him and took his hand.

Thomas sighed.

"Janus, this isn't an interrogation. We just need to talk to you."

"Yes, I gathered that from being summoned and stared at."

Virgil looked like he was debating coming closer to Janus, his feet taking half a step forward before going back again, though Janus wasn't sure what the man's goal would be in doing so. Patton, meanwhile, turned away as his face broke into a pinched sorrow, the held-back tears just starting to leak out.

"I think it would be best to be direct, here," Logan spoke up. "Janus, we are concerned about your wellbeing. Due to recent discussions, Virgil fears that you're suicidal, and upon hearing his explanation, the rest of us think his fears make sense under the circumstances. So, we would like to discuss this with you."

And in response to that, Janus couldn't prevent his expression from shifting to shock, despite his own intentions. Sure, he knew that the others might have figured out how he'd died, but he hadn't expected anyone to just come out and say it so bluntly like that. He'd been hoping that he could try to misdirect them, mislead them, make them think they were wrong. But now, he'd already messed up. They'd seen his expression. Maybe he could try to play it off as just being surprised they would think something like that?

Remus squeezed his hand, and he squeezed back.

"I-I'm afraid I don't know what you mean," he replied, cursing the slight stumble in his words.

But Thomas only shook his head.

"I think you do, Buddy," Thomas said. "I know it's not really your style, but this is something we need to have an honest discussion about. If you are hurting yourself… we can't just ignore that."

Janus deflated. They weren't going to let him weasel his way out of this, he knew. Even still, he didn't want to have this conversation. Not now. Not ever, really. Having this conversation would be laying himself bare, showing off his most hidden secrets for them all to see, for them all to examine. And even if they knew, once he said something, once he confirmed it, there would be no going back. If he said something, he couldn't take it away. The others would always know about his thoughts and what he did to himself, and they would never see him as the same person again.

And on top of that, though it may not have been much of a consideration until more recently, Janus didn't want to hurt them. They were getting closer and closer as time went on, and he didn't want them to get upset on his behalf. Not with something as truly upsetting as this clearly was to them. This wasn't something that could just be swept under the rug and forgotten about. No, it very well may upset them deeply and for a long time.

His chest clenched tightly at the thought of them knowing the next time he died. How could he deal with even more people being upset by his temporary deaths? Even Remus alone knowing made the whole process so agonizing sometimes, even if that pain couldn't always stop him. That pain would be so much worse if they all had to wait for him.

Deep breath.

"And why exactly is that the conclusion you all came to?" he asked, hoping that whatever evidence they had was shaky enough to let him convince them they were wrong.

He had to convince them that they were wrong.

It was then, however, that Virgil spoke up.

"Because I know you've been depressed a lot over the years," he explained, keeping his gaze firmly on the wall. "And we thought that maybe something in the imagination might have killed you, but… you wouldn't be avoiding us so much if that's what it was…"

"... You don't know that…," Janus replied, his voice growing quiet, which only made his attempts to hide the truth even less effective.

"I know you enough to know that you wouldn't hide something like that, Jan," Virgil denied. "If it was something in the imagination, you would have been pissed at either Roman or Remus, not get sad and hide in your room."

Oh, so Virgil had noticed that, even back then.

"I… I didn't think it was a big deal back then…," Virgil continued. "I just thought you wanted to be alone, and I was focused on my own crap… But, Jan, were some of the times you disappeared for a while…?"

Virgil let his question trail off, but Janus knew what he was saying. His heartbeat sped up, and his throat closed up.

Of course, many of the times he'd up and disappeared were because he was dead. Most of them, probably, seeing as he wasn't one to flat-out disappear otherwise.

But how could he tell Virgil that? Or any of them, really, but especially Virgil. There had been times like that, many times, back before Virgil left, before there was any kind of rift between them to mend. How could he tell Virgil that he was dead while the other side went about his day, none-the-wiser? How could he tell him that he never once confided in him, confided in his friend, in fear of so many things? Would telling him any of this tear the rift back open again? Would he lose Virgil again, before they really even got a chance to come even close to what they were before?

Surprisingly, Janus was snapped out of his spiraling thoughts by Remus.

"Dee… Maybe… Maybe we should talk about this…," he spoke, his voice wobbly. "I mean… DeeDee, I… It hurts seeing you like that…"

And there was the guilt, the guilt that ate him up every time he put Remus through him dying- the guilt that would only increase with everyone else knowing.

Instead of answering, he looked around the room for a while, trying to stall his response.

Roman was staring at his brother, his expression conflicted, but everyone remained silent. And everyone was still staring at them, staring at him, and Remus was keeping a firm, comforting hold on his hand, begging him with his eyes.

And those eyes. Those pained, worried eyes. Janus hated the fact that he knew that so much of that pain was caused directly by him. He knew that his own problems harmed Remus, in so many ways, and he never helped Remus with any of it- never really helped him, at least. He had always offered comfort, always tried to return the favor, but… He had never actually tried to get Remus and actual help, out of fear of revealing his own secrets.

Maybe… Maybe he didn't want to have this conversation. Maybe he wasn't quite so sure he wanted help. But maybe… maybe, he could at least help Remus with this.

Steeling himself, Janus let out a defeated sigh, tilting his head down so that his face was hidden by the brim of his hat.

"... Fine. You're right," he hissed. "Happy now?"

Remus pulled him into a hug, though Janus didn't return this one. He couldn't. His entire body was filled with ice as the regret immediately slammed into him with so much force that he doubted he could have remained standing if it weren't for Remus holding onto him.

"Kiddo… why…?" Patton asked, heartbroken.

The fatherly side was openly crying now, with fat tears welling up in the corners of his eyes and rolling down his cheeks before thumping onto the carpet below.

Janus shrugged, taking in a shaky breath.

"I told you, didn't I? Dying is a relief…," he laughed dryly.

"A… A relief from what?" Thomas questioned, his eyebrows crinkling.

Janus turned his head to look at their host, giving him a dry look.

"... Living, Thomas."

Thomas frowned, and he didn't look like he was too opposed to crying himself. Seeing this, Janus grimaced. He, perhaps, should have tried to be a bit more tactful. But, well. It was too late now, right?

"You… You don't understand, Thomas," Janus told him, his voice finally cracking. "We're your sides. We each have roles relating to our function, and some of those roles… they hurt. Virgil is anxious all the time, Patton gets hit with most of your negative emotions, and Roman's self worth is based almost entirely on what others think about him. We all have our ways of coping with that. Remus and I… our roles are… they're hard. Both of us have to act as filters. Whatever intrusive thoughts you experience, Thomas, are the ones that Remus wasn't able to filter. But he experiences all of them. And I…"

Janus paused for a moment to collect himself.

"I'm a big part of your self-preservation and denial," he continued. "I soften the blows of things so they don't hurt you so much. But to actually do that, I have to experience them… And that's really hard sometimes. And it doesn't help that our roles made you all hate us, made Thomas reject us. It's… It sucks to be forced to do something that hurts you, and then also have everyone be mad at you for it… And we've been getting along better lately, but that can't just magically undo everything."

He could feel tears building in his own eyes, but he didn't let them fall.

"It's just… I get depressed. But Virgil already told you that, I guess," Janus huffed. "And when it gets really bad, I cope with it, and no one besides Remus even knew, so. And it's not really that bad. I come back soon enough, and eventually, things get a little better for a while…"

He knew it was pointless trying to backtrack. He knew that the others wouldn't accept his shaky argument that killing himself wasn't that bad. Even he knew that wasn't true. But now that he'd finally said all of it, his desire to take it back only strengthened.

Janus didn't shift his gaze to look at the others. He just continued looking at Thomas. He could hear someone- probably Patton- sobbing quietly, though.

Thomas ran a hand through his hair, distressed.

"Okay… Okay, that's a lot to unpack…," he said. "Janus… you know that's not healthy, right? Even if you don't stay dead, killing yourself, or even just hurting yourself… It's not really helping you…"

Janus shrugged again. Yes, he knew that- he knew that, experienced it, from both sides of it- but even still, he still did it.

"I know. But it doesn't stop me, not when I'm at that point," Janus admitted. "Hell, even putting Remus through that doesn't actually stop me most of the time."

Thomas shifted uncomfortably.

"About that… They way you said it…," Thomas tried. "Remus… do you... do that, too?"

And maybe it was mean for Janus to try to shift the focus onto Remus, but really, Janus's goal for this conversation was more to get help for Remus than for himself. And to do that, Remus had to be a part of it, too.

The other side was rocking back and forth on his ankles, his gaze rapidly flitting from point to point around the room.

"Hm, yeah," he replied, his voice casual on the surface but clearly more upset than he wanted to let on. "Not as much as Dee, though. I die more by accident."

He pulled Janus closer, and Janus finally returned the hug. Remus let out a dark chuckle.

"It's kinda fucked up, actually. We find each other a lot, and then we watch each other die," he kept speaking. "Because there's nothing we can really do at that point, ya know? So, might as well be with each other for that last bit and wait for the other to come back. Plus, sometimes we need to put each other out of our misery when we fuck it up real bad. Dee uses pills and poisons a lot, and some of them are really painful ways to go, so I have to-"

"Remus," Janus spoke quickly, his voice quiet but firm. "That's too much detail. They don't need to hear about all that."

"Right."

And then Remus buried his face in Janus's neck, wanting comfort.

"That's… I-I'm really sorry you guys have been suffering like that," Thomas apologized. "But… you need to figure out healthier coping mechanisms. I don't think killing yourselves is helping. It's probably making it worse… I don't know, is it somehow possible for you guys to get therapy or medication or something?"

Neither of the two of them answered.

"... Medication, at least, should be possible…," Roman spoke up finally. "The medicine we use in the mindscape works, and Janus can apparently get pills."

The deceitful side shuffled.

"... I've tried that. Sort of, at least," he told them. "But I think I did it wrong. I didn't really know what to take or how much… And I'm not so great at figuring out doses even on a good day, so."

"... He accidentally overdosed on antidepressants the one time," Remus explained.

"Oh. Uh, geez…," Thomas mumbled, rubbing the back of his head. "Okay, well, maybe we can do some research and stuff? I'm not a doctor or anything, obviously, but we can at least look up safe amounts of things. I… I think you should try taking them, more safely, this time… You, too, Remus."

"I believe that Emile could be helpful in this situation," Logan supplied. "He's a character, not a side, but, well, he is a therapist."

Janus swallowed thickly. They were really going to make him do this, weren't they?

"... I don't know…," Janus said uncertainly. "I… I don't think it'll work… I've been like this for… a long time, now."

Thomas gave him a small, sad smile.

"Well, it wouldn't hurt to try, you know? If it doesn't work out, we'll… we'll figure out something else," he offered. "I don't want you to suffer. Any of you. So, can you try?"

Janus didn't want to give Thomas an answer. He wanted to leave- to run away. But even if he didn't think that this would work, he knew that doing this was hurting everyone- Remus, the others, and himself. And he really didn't know how much longer he could keep going like this.

Maybe… Maybe it would work. And even if it didn't help him, maybe Remus would actually get better.

"... I'll try."

"Remus?"

He felt the other man tense up.

"... If Dee will, I guess I will too."

"Okay… That's good," spoke Thomas, his frame relaxing in relief. "I'm… I'm proud of the two of you. I know that admitting to it, let alone accepting help, was difficult."

"... Thank you, Thomas… That's…"

Janus couldn't finish his thought out loud, so he just leaned into Remus more.

Things weren't okay. He didn't know if they really could be, or at least, not if they could stay that way. But Thomas was right. If things were already bad, and everyone already knew, what was the harm in trying?

So, he'd give it a shot.

XXX