It was really terrible to watch, HYDRA seemed to have put his plan into reality. After James had finally given the desired answer after countless attempts, he no longer seemed to live in this body. It was as if his mind had been replaced. He was ripped out and something nasty, murderous and mindless was put in there instead.
Without hesitation, he attacked the agents - not even flinching at a blow he took, not crying out in pain. I had seen him fight many times, but there was nothing human in that body anymore.
His eyes had usually looked at me with a trace of joy and affection, now they were so clear and empty that I felt he was looking straight through me. He seamlessly and with complete obedience followed the orders Karpov issued. The latter seemed so delighted with his work that he couldn't stop firing at him.
"You've really bested yourself, Dr. Zola," he said.
James - now the Winter Soldier - blocked a flaring strike and launched his metal fist into the outstretched arm of his attacker. It cracked and the man screamed before going down. But this was not enough for the beast in this foreign body, he was already taking the next agent to the mat. Either the people down there were well paid or forced to be there. This was a hopeless fight. No one would voluntarily face such an opponent.
"The Winter Soldier is the ultimate success, perfection on every level," he replied proudly, "But of course we could never have done it without you, Dr. Erskine".
"Excuse me," I murmured and released my grip on the railing of the gallery.
If I hadn't been holding on there the whole time, I probably would have fainted at the sight. Immediately I turned to go and with trembling hands pulled out my cigarette case. I had wanted to give James solace, but I had not found him in that machine. Before I had even left the room, I had lit the cigarette and pulled on it with as much force as I could manage.
"This is insane," I said quietly to myself when I arrived in my room.
Slowly I sat down on the far too hard bed in the corner, pulled my legs up and clutched them. I was still shaking all over. I hoped that James was still in there somewhere, that they hadn't completely erased the young man. The man who had always cared so much about his family. The man who had always fantasized about returning to his hometown one day and showing me around. The man who had always looked at me with such a radiant grin when he held my hand. The man who had promised to take me out dancing.
I sobbed softly and ran a hand through my blonde curls. I had found refuge and a feeling, much stronger than friendship, in someone who might not even exist anymore. An experiment by HYDRA that I had even known about and helped with. Again I took a drag on my cigarette.
I didn't know what I had been thinking during all this. I had probably believed that HYDRA would never have been able to carry out their plan and the whole thing would never have come to an end. I could have continued to spend time with James every day. Would that really have been better, though?
With another whimper in my throat, I shook my head and rested it on my knees. Fear came over me. I didn't know what to expect now that Zola's vision had come true. Maybe they would use James to get rid of me. He had promised me that he would never hurt me. But now that wasn't James anymore, he probably wouldn't even remember that promise. He most likely wouldn't remember that tender moment when I leaned on him to lend some of his strength either. Would he even know who I was?
I glanced at the file on the bottom of my bed and carefully pulled it towards me. Anxiously, I opened it and saw immediately the picture of him and Steve. That memory would stay with me, after all. And if he didn't remember me, I would do my best to never forget him.
A knock and the opening of my door had woken me from slumber. Still with drawn legs I lay or respectively sat still in my bed. It had not been a particularly restful sleep. I couldn't remember my dream, but my wet eyes and tear-stained cheeks told me what must have happened in it.
"Zola is asking for you," said an older agent in a monotone voice.
"What does he want?" my voice sounded a bit worn out.
"It's about the Winter Soldier."
I swallowed, even his name had been taken from him.
"I'll be there right away," I answered.
I did not allow Zola to see my sadness and anger, so I dried my face with a tissue and tried to fix my hair a little. If HYDRA could play a false game, I could do it too.
"Dr. Zola?", I stuck my head into his office, "you wanted to see me".
Vasily Karpov was standing next to the small bespectacled man with his head flushed red, his eyes full of anger and his fist clenched on the table. They looked a little surprised to see me with them so quickly. Zola also had irritation written all over his face.
"Your patient is waiting for you in his cell," he said briefly and instructed me to leave.
I immediately retreated and closed the door. I heard Karpov's frantic voice as soon as I left the room. He was speaking Russian and I couldn't understand any of it, but Zola's quiet, unsettled replies included the words 'malfunction' and 'revision'.
But my mind could not deal with that at that moment. I couldn't focus on anything but the thought that he was now going to kill me. The urge to start crying again was swallowed down and I moved quickly to James' cell. Somehow I had been glad it would be him, too. Dying at the hands of the person who meant so much to me seemed less dramatic than dying at the bullet of a HYDRA agent.
The heavy door was unlocked and I stepped inside unsteadily. I felt like I was in a cage of a wild animal. However, I did not encounter a predator here.
He was sitting on his bed, his gaze fixed on his hands. As the door slammed back into the lock behind me, he lifted his head. His eyes were no longer as vacant as they had been during his battle; there was no anger there, no reason to fear. They were confused and studied me from top to bottom. Every single detail of my appearance was closely observed and taken in. His hands clenched into fists.
"Bucky?", I asked cautiously and something changed in his pose, he relaxed.
"Klara."
And then I couldn't help but follow my desire. Hearing my name from his mouth in that soft voice made my heart skip a beat. I walked towards him with swift steps and took him in my arms. He was still sitting, so he was a little smaller than me and buried his face in the crook of my neck.
"How is this possible?" I whispered softly, "I thought they had made it".
James' arms wrapped around my body, but he was still careful not to hurt me. As if he was afraid of crushing me. My fingers sank into his hair and I rested my cheek on his head. Being so close to him caused a strange feeling in my stomach, yet I wanted nothing more than this hug. It was so familiar, so full of intimacy. My eyes were on fire.
"They did," he admitted, "just not for very long".
Briefly, he pulled back a little and looked at me. His hands were still on my back. Mine, on the other side, tenderly embraced his face.
"But now everything is back to normal, it's so clear now".
"What happened?", I wanted to know, he pulled me into his arms again.
He didn't say anything for a while, I could literally hear his heart beating and his breathing was deep and heavy, as if something was cutting off his air. I felt the same way, but my joy outweighed it. I had him back, he had not been exchanged with that monster called Winter Soldier. I had been so afraid for James, his presence was now more than reassuring.
"I was gone," he panted, "as if someone else had taken the wheel. But I remember everything, I -".
He didn't say any more, he pressed his face deeper into my lab coat and his shoulders shook. Comfortingly, I stroked his back and rocked gently back and forth. It seemed to help.
"I killed him".
It was nothing new for James to see dead people, he was in the war after all. But this was different.
"I killed an innocent man because HYDRA wanted me to".
"You didn't do it," I said gently, "You had no choice".
"It was my finger that pulled the trigger," he objected.
His fingers clawed into the fabric of my coat, now not even a sheet of paper would have fit between us.
"If it happens again," he whispered softly against my neck, "and we both know it will, then stop me. Kill me."
My heart felt so heavy in my chest. Every time he expressed this wish, I could only refuse it. I would rather end my own life than kill the brunette man in my arms. He didn't deserve any of this.
"You know very well that I can't do that".
It was silent between us, he did not probe further. The only sound in the room was his breathing. I closed my eyes and bent down to him a little. As if by magic, my lips pressed on his hair and he sighed softly, the trembling of his body slowly subsided.