CHAPTER 6

It turned out the snow would have trapped them at the hotel anyway; while it was expected to melt quickly the next day, the city had turned into a winter wonderland and the trains had closed early, giving them a nice excuse to stay. Check-in was quick at that time of night; Tony insisted on paying and didn't even flinch at the bill. He knew this place was fancy. Their room was sumptuously decorated, with a sitting area and a king-sized bed.

At the bar the walls between them had nearly come crashing completely down, but upon their arrival in the hotel room, the air became stiff and thick again; with what, Tony couldn't tell. Anticipation, nervousness? Nothing had changed, but everything had changed. Especially if he didn't get the job, they were taking their relationship to a place they had both silently vowed they never would. There was so much at stake, and their arrival in the hotel room - alone, together, by choice - drove that home in a way their breathless kisses downstairs couldn't.

He desired her so badly, and they had waded further into the gray area than ever before, but suddenly he wasn't sure he was ready for this to happen. Did he want to sleep with his boss? Sure, she was so much more than that to him, but she still cut his paycheck every week. Would he be ok taking a paycheck from her once they were intimate? It was something he had long thought he would be ok with, but now that the opportunity had presented itself, he couldn't say for sure.

Similar thoughts were clearly consuming her too; she bit her lip and nervously scanned the room, fixing her eyes out the window to keep her nerves at bay. "Beautiful room," she said blankly.

"Hey oh – come here, Ange," he summoned. Her anxiety had betrayed her in spite of her efforts to seem cheery. She crossed the room sheepishly as he enveloped her into a hug. "This is a lot. We have a lot on the line. That's why we've been so afraid to cross it. We aren't two people who just met. It's you and me. We don't have to do anything we aren't ready to do."

She looked up at him. "Does it feel like we're on a precipice?" He nodded. "It's just, Tony, I just don't want to mess this up. I mean, are you going to be ok taking a paycheck from me?" she asked, echoing his thoughts, "And, if you don't get the position, how will you feel about living with me as my housekeeper once we've been intimate? And if it doesn't work out, what happens then? My heart couldn't bear losing you and Sam because we couldn't make it work."

"I know, I know, it feels so fragile. I wish we didn't have to think so much. Because in my heart, I know I want this."

"I want this too, Tony."

"But it changes everything, like you said earlier."

"Mother is always teasing us about how we should just do it and get it over with. Well, here we are. And it really is just - so much more complicated. Our reasons are valid. Two people can care about each other too much to be able to be intimate."

"It feels like all we've done tonight is made our situation stickier."

She bit her lip. "Tony, there's something else."

"What is it, Angela?"

"Something you said earlier. How you'd rather stay in and watch a Cary Grant movie with me than go on a date."

"Yeah, of course I would."

"Well...I would too, but, do you ever wonder if that's a problem?"

"I don't really see what you're getting at. A problem with wanting to be with you?"

"No, not exactly. It's just - your whole life is in our home, Tony."

"Well, yeah, it's where I work. I like what I do. I love my family."

"I go into the city every day. I see people. I see eligible men…"

"Hey, oh, what are you saying, are you seeing someone Angela?"

"No, no! But I just worry that we spend so much time together - even the time when you aren't working or have a day off -"

"I don't really take days off, Angela, I'm at my own house, I'm with the people I care about."

"Exactly - I just, while I love so much that you want to be with me, a part of me worries it's just because I'm the one who's right there," her lip started to quiver.

"Hey oh, that's not true, that's not true at all."

"And I'm the same way. I honestly don't really think about dating anymore. We've reached a - weird sort of comfort level - a closeness - with one another that feels secure, and especially while we live under one roof, it has become increasingly difficult to feel comfortable dating new people. Even though us being romantic is forbidden, and it's perfectly natural to crave intimacy. It is a true marvel it hasn't happened, when you really think about it – two attractive adults, living under one roof, sharing everything – their kids, holidays, vacations?"

Tony smirked, "Well, that's why everyone thinks it has."

She smiled sadly, "True. And while this feels so right, Tony, such a natural progression, I worry later down the road you'll - or maybe I'll - regret not being able to explore our options, broaden our horizons more. And I worry the fact that we got together while you worked for me will always be a problem. And I worry –"

"Angela, I don't know where this is coming from, but it feels a little like you're pushing me away here."

She took his hands and said earnestly, "No, Tony, it's the opposite. I have grown closer to you, than to almost anyone. And I don't want to lose that."

"Well neither do I," he said earnestly. "And I can't imagine breaking up what we have for someone new."

"Can't you though, Tony? You came so very close after 72 hours with Frankie," her eyes welled over, and she turned away from him to conceal their betrayal of her open wound.

"The course of true love indeed," he muttered under his breath.

She whirled around, "What did you say?"

"Nothing. Look, Angela, you say I haven't had that chance, but Frankie *was* that chance. And I couldn't do it. There was more to that than you knew at the time. Or even than I said earlier."

"Oh really? Care to enlighten me now?"

"Well...I don't know Ange, on paper, she seemed like the perfect woman for me. But it just didn't feel right. I mean, she's great and all. All those things you said - really, she's a lot like you."

"A lot more forward than me."

"Well, sure, she's Italian. But like, you, she's beautiful, brilliant, at the top of her game in a man's world. All the things I admire about you. But she wasn't you. And we weren't…us. You and me I mean. I just couldn't see my life with her when I already had a life with you. I have a home, a family. It's like when I'm dating now I don't even really know what I'm looking for. If anything."

He cleared his throat and nervously smoothed his tie, "So I couldn't do it, Ang. I couldn't give up this...undefined relationship we have. And I didn't love her. When you called, I lost all focus with her. Right then I knew I had to get home. I almost felt like I was cheating."

"You see - we have become a codependent unit at the expense of all other potential options. And yet, I'm not really an option - "we" aren't really an option - because of our professional relationship."

"So what are you saying, Angela, that we can't ever make this work?"

"Here's what I think I'm saying. I think this is an opportunity for us. For our whole family's future. I think you should take the job in D.C., assuming they offer it to you. Which they will. I'll keep Sam with me, under the pretense that it's the middle of the school year and your job is a trial run - no point in uprooting her now. You'll come home as often as you're able. We'll come visit you too. But here's the thing. I think we should both," she paused and swallowed hard, "...be open to dating other people. See how we do. Maybe being detached for awhile will allow us to see things more clearly. And give you that breathing room, if it's right, to see me as someone besides your boss."

Her proposal stung. "So you're suggesting some kind of trial separation, Angela?"

"Not exactly. We'll still talk, we'll still see each other. Let's just keep the status quo, in separate cities. We are free to date other people now, we just choose not to, for the most part. I just think it's a good opportunity for us both, to re-frame our relationship a bit more traditionally and help ourselves...crystallize things a bit, for better or worse."

He cocked his eyebrow, "Interesting turn of phrase."

She swatted him. "You know what I mean."

"And if they let me work out of New York after my stint in DC? Then what?"

"Then we cross that bridge. There's always the garage apartment. It would be a little, I don't know, unconventional but when have we ever done things conventionally? By then, I think we will know what to do. I just think maybe we need to go through this to see if we can go any further."

"And you're not gonna be jealous if I date other women?" He cocked his eyebrow skeptically.

"No, I probably will be. But I think this is important for us...to know if it's right. When you come back, if we are both still feeling this attached we know it was always meant to be - us, a family."

He looked at her solemnly. "If this is what you want, I'll accept it, on three conditions."

"One?"

"That you'll let me bring you back here if we are both still…" he searched for his words, "...attached after 6 months. And after you know; a little dating," he cleared his throat and continued, "We should date properly a little first."

She smiled. "Two?"

"That you'll come visit me in Washington. I'm going to miss you, Ange." His voice was tinny and lustful.

Her hand fluttered over her chest to calm her pounding heart but she said coolly, "Of course I will. And three?"

"That you'll let me hold you tonight. Like that night on the billboard."

A smile played at her lips, while a massive lump pulsated in her throat; she could hardly breathe. They had never discussed how they had woken up, legs in a tangle, Angela soundly on his chest the next morning. The next morning they had separated with some awkwardness; Tony had unzipped them and she shuffled out, using her fear of heights as chatter to fill the silence. But they both knew the line between them had blurred a little more that night.

"I'd like that," was all she managed. She was both melting and crushed. She felt in her heart this was the right course. They needed to show themselves they would still choose each other even absent the comfortable constructs of their unique living situation. But, god, she wanted him. And, more importantly, she felt certain he had never wanted her more than he did in this moment.

–––––––––––––––––––––––––

They had undressed separately in the bathroom. Angela had opted to sleep in her white silk top and underwear, and had slipped under the covers with a robe on first. Tony emerged in his boxers. Stripped of their passionate kisses, but with the promise of possibly something more someday, she had to admit this still felt a little more awkward than she wanted it to. She tried to be non-chalant, smiling demurely as he climbed into bed next to her. He hesitated slightly before he carefully slipped his arms around her. She turned over to face him once more. He laid on the pillow next to her and they just looked at one another contentedly for a moment, their eyes conversing in a way their words couldn't.

"Goodnight, Angela." Tony said quietly, running his thumb along her shoulder. "I'm glad you're here with me."

"Me too, Tony," she paused. "Tony - "

"Yes Ange,"

"I hope you do get that job. And I think you'd love college. You'd do wonderfully. But you don't need to go to college for me. Go to college for yourself. Whatever happens. It's really important that you understand, you're already enough for me."

"I know that; I do. And that means a lot to me. I think we just gotta know more about me, before we can really know where we go with...us. And I think what we've decided tonight is, but I can't be your housekeeper while we figure it out."

She looked at him. "I agree with that," she said quietly.

Her eyes said everything more that needed to be said. She knew, and she understood. She nestled herself into the crook of his shoulder, a place not entirely unfamiliar to her, but she never had the comfortable claim on this spot that she felt she did tonight. Her arm draped over his bare chest, her heavy lids finally found rest, still longing for more, but ever hopeful they might be finally moving in a new direction together.