A/N: the first part of the finale!
chapter VII
"Don't you have anything better to do?" Sirius angrily questioned the ginger who stood in far from him.
"I suppose the show's over." The annoying prat shrugged.
"You've already caused enough damage, alright?" Sirius waved an arm. "Get the fuck away from this house."
Gideon scoffed and almost smiled as he finally began walking away.
Sirius' eyes were still glued to where Remus' car had just taken a turn and left forever. His chest was tight, and he didn't feel like moving at all. It had all been so surprising. He was still dealing with the overload of information of the last few minutes.
He couldn't believe Remus had actually left. A part of him was angry and felt almost betrayed by the lie, but another just felt so sad that the world could end at that exact minute and he would not complain.
He couldn't be sure of how much time he spent standing in front of the Potter's house with his jacket still neatly folded under his arm. He was so stupid; he had actually thought of giving it to Remus as a sort of remembrance gift. As if the mixtape wasn't embarrassing enough already.
Sirius was snapped out of his thoughts when a hand gripped his shoulder tightly, making him flinch in response.
"Sorry! Didn't mean to scare you!" James held onto him more tightly.
Sirius looked down at his feet, "it's okay."
"Want to talk about it?"
"Not really. Not now."
"That's alright… let's come inside."
James guided him back to the warmth of the house.
Sirius had no idea how much James knew or had heard from the fight outside, but he probably had a rough idea. James always sounded wise in times like these. No one could understand Sirius better than he did. To them, words were rarely needed.
Inside, worried glances from Lily and a confused Harry who didn't understand the sudden mood shift around the house met Sirius.
"Hey," James stepped closer, "I'll meet you in your room in five minutes, okay?"
Sirius nodded and watched James walk away in hurried steps. Knowing him, James was probably worried about leaving Sirius alone for more than two minutes.
"Is Padfoot okay?" Sirius heard the kid ask Lily after following her to the kitchen.
"Yes, darling. He's just a little upset his friend went home… don't worry about it," she answered soothingly while thinking Sirius wasn't listening.
"But why is he so sad? He doesn't look like that when Uncle Wormy leaves, or when—"
Children always asked the uncomfortable questions. Had the situation been better, Sirius would have found it funny.
"Harry," Lily began, kneeling down so she could be at eye level with him. "You must have noticed things have been different these past few months." Harry nodded. "So… because of that, Padfoot and his friend won't see each other for a long time. That's why he is upset. But don't worry about him, time flies."
The answer seemed to appease Harry's mind, who just nodded and walked away to some better activity. As Harry left through the kitchen door, Lily's eyes found Sirius'. She noticed he had been listening and smiled encouragingly. He smiled back weakly. She was always so attuned to everyone around, Sirius could count on her to understand every little thing about any given situation with only the faintest of context clues.
James, given a little more to work with, could be just as good. Perhaps it was all a sign of how well the trio knew each other, and nothing more. Still, Sirius liked to think of them as unique and, overall, the best people he had ever met.
Sirius's legs carried him to his room in the most defeated way possible. He saw Lily's look of concern from the corner of his eyes. His room felt cold and weirdly tied. Well, of course, he hadn't even slept there that night. The memory bothered him for a moment.
"Here I am," James announced his entrance while knocking on the door. He had furrowed brows and the softest of tones.
Sirius sat on the bed with hunched shoulders and a bit of a blank expression.
"I don't really have anything to say," he said while James stood in front of him.
"You can tell me anything."
"Well, I don't have anything to say," he said more firmly.
"I think you do."
"No, I don't."
"Yes, you do."
"No, I don't."
"Yes, you do."
"I fucking don't! Christ!"
"Then why do you look like a kicked puppy? Who was that ginger bloke?" James inquired.
"No one," Sirius mumbled.
"So why were you cussing out a random bloke on the street?"
Sirius raised his head to look at James, who, of course, wore a winning expression. He fought the urge to roll his eyes. Perhaps he had started to pick up on Remus quirks.
"He wasn't a random bloke," he huffed out. "He's Remus' ex."
"Oh. That's unexpected."
"It isn't, really."
"Why?" James sat next to him, losing all the playfulness in his tone.
"Remus didn't bring me here out of pure kindness. He told me he was coming to Edinburgh to sort of get together with his ex.—But that was after he told me he was coming for his boyfriend."
"Oh. That's messy."
Sirius nodded, "at first I felt awful for—y'know… having stronger feelings for him." He glanced at James to see his reaction. He did not budge. "I couldn't barge into someone's relationship—not now, anyway. Then he revealed to me they weren't actually together. That's when something shifted. Suddenly, it wasn't so bad, y'know?" James nodded in understanding. "If anything happened—and that's if, it wouldn't count as cheating. My consciousness would be clear."
"And… did anything happen?"
Sirius looked at James for a moment. He raised an eyebrow.
"I think you know the answer," Sirius said.
James' eyebrows shot up, "well… I had a feeling. I didn't know ."
Sirius laughed softly. "I bet it was obvious for the two of you."
James stared at him with a poker face for a split second before opening a warm smile at the mention of Lily. "Yes… it was."
"I'm marvellous at hiding my feelings, aren't I?" Sirius fell back onto the bed.
"You're awful. But that's why we like you so much, such an open book!"
Sirius snorted lifelessly. "Anyway, I thought they were on a break and that Remus would go to him today. I had already made peace with that—"
"Had you?" James cut in.
"Sort of—but anyway, I knew it. I was fine with it."
"Were you? I mean, were you really?" James asked, a crease on his forehead.
"I—well, uh—" Sirius tried to start a sentence but failed, huffing out a sigh. "I was upset, but it wasn't my place to feel like that."
"I see," he said apprehensively. "So what was that all about?"
"I went to get the jacket, y'know, like a twat, and then when I came back he was talking about how he'd never wanted to be here, how he ended up with some 'weird bloke' and how he just wanted to go home." Sirius felt awfully self-conscious about it, but if there was someone that wouldn't make fun of him, they would be James.
"Did he say that?" James sounded more outraged by the second. "And I thought Moony was cool! What the fuck!"
"Yeah..."
"He was all over you the entire morning,—and last night too! How could he say something like that!"
"I dunno..." Sirius had a hunch but preferred to keep it to himself for the time being.
A knock on the door pulled him out of his thoughts. Sirius turned his head to find Lily peeking through the bedroom door.
"Can I come in?" she asked, soft-spoken.
Sirius nodded crestfallen. She approached him with a sad smile, "Harry's finally taking his nap."
"It's almost a miracle..." James said jokingly while looking up at her with the look of utmost admiration in his eyes. She chuckled lightly.
"How've you been?" She asked Sirius.
"Can you believe Moony's been an arse all along?" James asked and then proceeded to repeat what Sirius had told him.
He clearly expected Lily to have the same outraged response as he did, and furrowed his brows once he noticed she was about to start one of her lectures.
"I just don't think it's that simple." she shrugged.
"It is!" James said. "He didn't have to say that."
"Sure he didn't have to," she began, "but I don't think he was telling the truth. You said that was his ex, right?" Sirius nodded. "Then it was clearly an emotional moment for him! He must not have been thinking straight. Perhaps he felt he had something to prove to him, you never know."
"I don't buy it," said James.
"I'm sorry, Sirius, but I saw the way he looked at you,—hell, I sort of talked to him about it, too—"
"You did?" James cut in. "When?"
"Last night at the party. He definitely did not look like someone who would say all that shite to you and mean it the next day. You had to see the look in his eyes when he waited for you at the staircase."
Sirius still looked down, suddenly finding the loose thread between his fingers the most entertaining thing in the world. The silence that followed made him look at Lily, who gazed at him expectedly.
"I did see it," he mumbled. "And that's why I'm so upset. I feel tricked."
Lily frowned, "I know there's something wrong and yes, he was an arse,—but I have to be honest with you, Sirius, there isn't much time left. Sure, it's not an ideal situation, but you have to think about how you want to leave this world."
An uncomfortable silence filled the room as Sirius refused to meet her eyes. She seemed to be done with her speech and settled on leaving him alone and pulling James along.
"Just think about that. The clock is ticking," she said before opening the door.
"I won't drop everything to run after him," Sirius declared.
"There's about one week left," she pointed out.
"That's plenty of time for me to think," he concluded before she closed the door behind her and James.
She didn't close it all the way, however, as Sirius could still hear a muffled sound coming from the other side.
"Don't," he heard James whisper at her.
"This is his chance to have something before… you know..."
Sirius could hear the anguish in her voice.
"He's perfectly fine here. We love him. Harry loves him. He doesn't have to leave for some random guy who badmouthed him."
"It's not like that."
"Yes, it is. The best we can do is cheer him up."
"I hope you're not saying all this from a place of selfishness. I want him here too, but you have to think about what's best for him."
A few seconds passed until he heard footsteps going away.
Sirius sighed in relief as he was finally left alone. What a pathetic way to end his life. But hey, it's not unsurprising. He laid splayed out on the bed and breathed in deep, trying hard not to think of Remus.
He, of course, failed miserably, as all of his thoughts were completely consumed by him. He couldn't help but relive their fateful encounter earlier that day. He kept seeing flashes of Remus' face when he drove away, as well as how affected by Gideon he seemed to be.
It was hard to have his thoughts be consumed by Remus, but after a while, he simply accepted it.
At first, when they met, he hadn't been discouraged by the way Remus talked to him. He was the least threatening a person could look and, to be honest, Sirius found his rudeness charming at times. It was fascinating to see a complex person unfold from what Remus seemed to be like after their first interactions.
What truly got to Sirius was the tape. It showed the history that Remus carried with him and how he was a human being first and foremost.
Sirius knew he was utterly fucked the moment he kissed Remus at that bizarre party. He realised what he craved and how he couldn't ignore it any longer. It was torture to pull apart, but it was right.
Remus was definitely a complex person, that he could not deny.
Sirius' thoughts circled the subject until his eyelids became heavier and heavier.
The night felt weirdly cold. Sirius couldn't tell whether it was because of the temperature or the fact that the last time he felt that alone, he was at the Black residence. Or perhaps it had to with how he spent the entire afternoon drifting in and out of sleep.
He knew for a fact he wouldn't be able to fall asleep so soon again. His body buzzed with energy.
It wasn't so late, so the three remaining people of the house were all gathered in the living room, where Sirius soon found them. James was fighting off sleep, trying to keep his head straight while Lily read a book with her feet on his lap. Harry quietly played with his toys on the rug.
It was so domestic, Sirius felt like an intruder barging in. They were clearly a family, while he was just a friend. Sure, James and Lily loved him to bits, but he wasn't married to any of them. He was just there. Sirius was always there, an extension of them.
He constantly worried about being a bit of a burden to them, and even though they always assured him of the contrary, there was still a sour taste in his mouth. It was as if Sirius piggybacked off of their family simply because he didn't have one of his own. For a split second, he wondered if Remus thought it was pathetic, too.
"Padfoot!" Sirius looked down to see Harry pulling at his trousers, pulling him to where his toys lay unattended. "Are you better?"
"Yes, Harry, don't worry about me," he answered with a fond smile while letting himself be pulled.
"Harry, don't bother Uncle Padfoot," Lily said without glancing away from her book. "He's tired."
"No… I slept all afternoon, it's okay," he said monotonously.
"Mummy, how come Uncle Padfoot gets to sleep the entire day, but I can't?"
"Uncle Padfoot's an adult, Harry," she answered.
Normally, Sirius would have made a biting comment back, but that day he seemed to have lost his spark.
"Uncle Padfoot's weird," Harry noted.
"Sorry, Harry, it's boring grown-up stuff," he said.
Harry's face contorted into an adorable pout that got the first sincere smile from Sirius of the last few hours. Harry took it as a sign everything was perfectly fine and opened a toothy grin, dragging Sirius by the hand so he would play with him properly.
"Let's play tag!" Harry suggested excitedly.
"Don't think your mum will enjoy you doing that in the living room..."
For the first time, Lily glanced away from her book and looked at them. She analysed Sirius apprehensively. "You know what? Do whatever you want. It's not like it matters."
Beside him, Harry cheered before screaming "tag, you're it!" in his ear and fleeing.
Sirius laughed before jogging after him. Harry, bless him, ran as much as he could, laughing loudly all the while. James woke up due to the noise.
"Who's screaming?" he murmured, glasses falling from his face.
Harry left the living room and ran all throughout the house, passing through the kitchen, garden, and even bathroom. Sirius didn't plan on catching up with him and simply followed him around with a smile on his face.
"Padfoot, you're not even trying!" Harry complained, turning around after getting some advantage. "You have to try!"
Sirius raised his hands in surrender, "alright, alright."
Harry picked up the pace and bolted towards the exit of the room, and this time Sirius actually made an effort to catch up with him. He followed him to the living room, where Harry circled the coffee table as Sirius attempted to catch him.
There was a moment of glory when he finally caught Harry, using the moment to take him in his arms and lift him off the ground as he squealed and laughed.
"God, you're getting heavier," Sirius complained as he held his godson up in the air.
"And you're getting weaker," Harry responded, earning a laugh from him.
Sirius finally put him down, but Harry unexpectedly lost his balance for a moment right as his feet touched the ground. He looked down to see he had stepped on the TV controller.
The television made the familiar static sound as it turned on. Sirius reached downwards for the controller to turn it off without even thinking twice. Just before he pressed the button, Lily stopped him.
"Wait," she said, suddenly tense. Sirius, who hadn't listened to anything from the TV, started paying attention.
"The meteor better known as Matilda will be arriving one week ahead of schedule and as of now is 36 hours, 26 minutes away." The news anchor spoke with heavy eyes and furrowed brows. "It is with deep sorrow that I present this news to you all. All nations have already been notified and we are all getting this information at this exact instant and..."
"W—what?" Sirius asked, eyes transfixed. "This can't be true." His heart rate picked up and was suddenly impossibly fast.
Thirty-six hours
"I… God, it's too soon," James said behind him, completely shocked and alert.
Sirius could tear his eyes away from the television. He couldn't hear anything the anchor said anymore, though. His thoughts were too loud.
Thirty-six hours
There wasn't a week left anymore. There was no time to think. Remus was on his way back home and further away the by the second. Sirius felt impossibly stupid.
A shriek snapped him out of it, making him turn around to see Lily with her face buried on James' neck. She had snatched Harry closer to her and held him impossibly tight. She cried fervently. James tried to seem calmer, but his expression made it all obvious.
He looked at Sirius, and in silent acknowledgement, they communicated with a nod. That was it. The end.
Even though he loved the three people in the room more than anything else, a frightening sense of loneliness struck Sirius. His blood ran cold as he looked at his feet. He was emotionless, and couldn't quite believe what was happening.
"I—I'll be right back," he said while leaving the room in hurried steps.
Sirius went to his room and didn't give it a second thought before putting all of his stuff back together on top of the bed. He had taken some stuff out of his black leather bag, but it was pretty much the same as it had always been.
He wasn't thinking straight as he let his feet drag him from corner to corner, gathering everything he could possibly need.
He didn't get the records he had brought, they wouldn't be needed. He did, however, get his favourite remaining articles of clothing and stuffed them in the bag. Sirius had a lot of stuff back home, but at that moment he probably had no more than ten objects to his name.
The bag was lighter, dangling from his shoulder as he went down the stairs, not looking back.
Sirius had been away for probably fifteen minutes when he went back to the ground floor of the house. Thoughts were running rampant through his head, the fastest they ever had. Lily's muffled crying snapped him out of it the moment he passed through the door of the living room.
Sirius came to a halt and regretted everything he had been planning. Was he really about to leave, just like that? What had crossed his mind?
"Sirius?" Lily called softly, voice still affected by the crying.
He turned his head to see her tear stricken eyes fixed on him. She had calmed down, at least, and was seemingly in the middle of a conversation with James while Harry laid on her lap with his face still buried on her neck.
They were sombre and looked impossibly serious. James had his head down and his elbows on his knees for support. He looked as though he had been listening to something he probably didn't like.
"Lily, I..." he began, not sure of where it would end. "I was just—uh..."
"Padfoot, wait," his best friend said with a more controlled voice.
James got up from the sofa and went to him, closing the living room door behind them.
Sirius lowered his head and cursed himself under his breath. He found out the world was going to end in 36 hours and his first thought was to bolt on his best friends to go after someone he barely knew. James had a right to be angry.
"I—I don't know what I was thinking," he said while putting the bag down. "I'm sorry."
James came toe to toe with Sirius. The look he had in his eyes was one he had never seen before. The always excited and not easily bothered James now wore a sombre look.
Without a word, he embraced Sirius tightly. He was taken aback by the act, but quickly followed suit and hugged his best friend tighter than he had ever had. The moment took him back to their private school days and, well, pretty much any good time he had ever had with James, which was a lot.
Tears formed in his eyes and the floodgates opened, releasing all the tension that had been building up until that moment.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I wasn't going to leave you three, I—"
"No." James pulled back abruptly. "Don't apologise."
"No, Prongs, I don't know why I—"
"Don't lie to me, Padfoot. You do know why." Sirius sighed and let his forehead rest on James' shoulder.
"I wasn't thinking properly."
"Listen, Sirius." James grabbed Sirius' face and moved him so that they were eye to eye. "You don't have to worry about us, we're perfectly fine here. The thing is that… well, you don't really have to stay."
"What?" Sirius mumbled and suddenly felt utterly ridiculous. "Oh. I—I get it." He straightened his posture and stepped back, away from James' hands.
He had been so caught up in his own love and devotion to his friends that he hadn't stopped to think that maybe they wanted to go through the last few hours by themselves. God, how egotistical could he be?
"Uh, I can go back home, it's fine," he said.
"What?" James asked. "Home? We—weren't you going to Remus?"
Sirius looked at his feet. "Well, yes, but I wasn't thinking straight. I don't know why I ever thought of going to him. But, uh, you since you'd rather I leave, I can go home—or anywhere else, really."
"Sirius, you've got it all wrong," said James softly.
"Oh?"
"How can you even think for a second that I—that we wouldn't want you here? I love you to death, Padfoot. I really do. It would kill me to see you go back home! Hell, it would kill me to see you go anywhere now. But I can't be selfish. You can lie all you want and say that you had no idea of what you were doing, but we both know you had. I—I think you should go if you want to. You're a part of this family as much as I am, but I don't want to hold you back."
Sirius stared at him, dumbfounded.
"Hold me back?" was all he managed to say.
"Listen, I have to be blunt, okay? I always wished you could have someone the way I have Lily. Sure, you had your flings here and there, but it was never solid. I know you met Remus, like, less than a week ago, but, well, there's not much time left. I—I've done some thinking, Lily may have knocked some sense into me. I just want you to die with no regrets. I'm afraid that if you don't go, your last thought will be 'what if'."
James usually shied away from saying the word "death", but this time he said it with his whole chest.
"I would never regret staying," he said in a low tone.
"I know. But you would wonder what could have happened had you not."
As usual, James had a point.
Yes, Sirius was afraid. Scared shitless, even. But he would die thinking about what could have been.
"Okay," he found himself agreeing before he had rationally made up his mind.
"Okay?"
"I… I think I'll go."
Leaving James, Lily, and Harry was the single hardest thing Sirius had ever done. He had expected for it to hurt, but he couldn't have possibly imagined the extent to which it did.
He left the Potter's residence after saying his goodbyes. It was incredibly hard to put into words to each one of them how much they meant to him, and just how much it broke his heart to leave. James and Lily understood, they always did.
Harry was the hardest part. Sirius wasn't sure about the extent to which he knew what was going on, but he understood it wasn't good. Sirius broke down in tears as he hugged his godson one last time. The kid didn't want him to leave; it made him almost give up on the plan entirely. James and Lily noticed it and stepped in to make sure Harry's sweetness didn't get too overwhelming for him.
Walking out on James was like walking out on everything he liked about his life, every nice memory, every good moment. He had never expected to meet someone like him. It felt like a gift to be given such an incredible friend. James took him in when needed, listened, and never judged him.
Sirius forced himself not to look back when he finally gathered up the courage to drive away in James' car.
If he did, he would probably stop the car and put an end to that nonsense. The only thing standing in his way was what he knew deep down.
There were thirty-six hours left. He had to find Remus and sort that shit out to at least rest in peace. If Remus really doesn't want him, then fine. Sirius will die knowing the truth. But, if everything he said was just utter crap, the outcome could be different.
Sirius wasn't about to pretend he wasn't mad about what had happened, but the circumstances didn't call for such a thing as pride.
He wished he had brought tapes to listen to while driving James' car. The sound of silence gave him plenty of opportunities to fill his mind with thoughts of Remus, which was a dangerous thing, considering the mysterious outcome of the trip could have.
For the time being, Sirius drove through the night.
Remus was awfully jumpy. Well, that was one way to describe it.
He was afraid of hitting the car, something that would easily happen if considering how unrestless he was. He was still far into the night. There were hardly any cars around him.
Sirius' tape played for the second time by then. The first time it played, it left him a complete emotional wreck. He thought it would get easier the second time, but it didn't.
Who would've thought?
In all honesty, Remus deserved it. He had it coming.
But, for someone who thought their life would make for the most boring movie ever made, those last few hours sure were exciting.
He couldn't help but wonder whether Sirius would forgive him or not. If he didn't, at least Remus wouldn't die thinking of "what if" he had gone back. And it's not as if he wouldn't deserve it.
The last two songs of the tape hit the hardest, he soon noticed. They had been perfectly selected, which meant they turned him into a downright mess.
The hours flew by and dragged at the same time. Remus had never felt such a wave of emotions before in his life. It was all foreign. It was as if he was living in an alternate reality where it was always dark outside and God himself loved to laugh at how pathetic he was.
Remus' very own hell was himself, not others.
A reminder of the world outside came in the form of an empty tank, which made itself visible to Remus through a warning on the car's panel. He had to stop driving every now and then to check the route, so he knew for a fact he was close to Manchester.
The problem of no visible petrol stations made itself present in his life once again. But he had been glad enough to find a plastic container and two pipes in the trunk of the car. God knows what Mary got up to in that car.
She wouldn't like seeing him back, especially alone, so he wouldn't even bother going there. Besides, there was nothing else she could do for him. Remus planned on driving through the city until he found a parked car with a full tank to borrow some petrol.
It wasn't the most civilian act ever, but he had no choice. It was every man for himself now.
He was actually quite proud of the idea.
Remus was, at the end of the day, still human. He didn't have time to spare, but something told him to take the long route and see the scenes of his childhood once again.
The park he knew too well was still the same, at least looking from the outside. He remembered pulling all sorts of mischiefs there and almost never getting caught.
Mary was a great partner in crime. He had truly been happy with her.
Now, Remus couldn't understand for the life of him why he had left it all behind for Gideon. He wouldn't waste time looking for an answer, though.
He went to where once stood his house. It had brick walls and absolutely nothing special about it. But still, he had some good memories. It was awful to see it being sold after his mum's death. He had no choice in the matter. The money was needed, but he still felt like a prick for it.
Rationally, he knew the real prick was his dad, who didn't even bother to show up when it happened.
Remus sighed, not wanting to think only of the bad times.
Mary's house was close enough, and he found himself driving there before he could even register. The car was nearly out of petrol, so he had to find a good victim quickly.
The street was dead quiet, as one would have expected. There was only one car parked on the curb, and it was right next to Mary's house that even had the lights on at the odd hour of the day. Remus took it as a sign and parked his car right next to it.
He had only pulled this trick once, and it had been probably around eight years prior. Still, he had no choice.
Soon enough, he found himself standing discreetly next to the stranger's car, looking around to make sure no one was around. He settled the plastic petrol dispenser on the ground and got to work, first fiddling with the tank to open it up.
After some time, it worked, and Remus got to work. He found that, given the equipment, he would have to do it the nasty way. Siphoning petrol out of a car wasn't the worst thing he had ever done, though, so he didn't fret about it too much.
He inserted both of the pipes, one of them connected to the dispenser, and the other one in his hands.
Remus' physique wasn't the best, but he filled his lungs nonetheless and got ready to blow on the pipe.
The moment his lips shut around it, however, he was surprised by the sound of a door opening behind him.
"Oi! What the fuck are you doing!" a voice shouted.
Remus' blood ran cold as he let the pipe go and turned around to see who the voice belonged to.
"Get the fuck away from my car!"
The man came closer, absolutely enraged. Remus had no time to register the fact that he recognised the voice all too well. It was only when the streetlamp illuminated his face, however, that he could be sure. He recognised Remus at the same time and stopped in his tracks, eyebrows shooting up in shock.
"Sirius?" Remus asked, shocked to see him there.