The aromas of mown grass with citrus, bubblegum, and butterscotch came through the front door, bringing my solitude to an end. I didn't bother looking up as I typed away. Not even when bubblegum came up to my desk and demanded, "What do you think you're doing?"
"Working. I have a lot to catch up on. I go to Norway for a couple of days, and everything goes to hell," I answered. I shut my eyes against the glare as Sam turned the lights on. I really needed to get sunglasses to wear in this building.
I blinked to help my eyes adjust, and then I noticed that Sam, Bucky, and Steve were staring in my direction. I didn't bother to follow their line of sight. I already knew what they were staring at. "I thought you were going to take it easy for a while." Steve's voice was going into Lecture Mode.
"I am. No heavy lifting, no acrobatics...just sitting here typing."
"You're still moving that arm." Not really, not with how trussed up Loki had it. "Thor told us that burn went all the way to the bone." Steve stared at my upper arm and shoulder, wrapped in the neon pink gauze Loki insisted on using over the other copious amounts of wound dressing he had used.
I looked up. "Sorry, you can't see it. But if you want, you can sign it."
"Why hasn't it healed yet? I thought you healed fast." Sam helped himself to Nat's chair in front of my desk.
"The theory, that both Loki and Stephen came up with, is that since I was injured by a mystical creature, that the magic that imbued the acid is canceling out the magic that allows me to heal fast. As a result, I'm healing human-slow from the burn caused by said acid."
"All the more reason you should take some time off," Steve pointed out.
"Stephen already kicked me out of his house as soon as he saw my arm. I'll go crazy without something to do." Stephen had been kind but very firm in stating that I was not up to doing any magic anytime in the near future with how fucked up my arm was, so I wouldn't be going there for a while. I wasn't above begging Steve to let me work. Three days at Loki's home after returning from New Asgard had been more than enough. It wouldn't have been so bad if Loki had let me do anything. I was getting the same protective vibes from these three. I really didn't know who had White Knight syndrome the worst.
"Wait...Stephen and Loki agreed on something?" Bucky's skepticism wasn't unfounded, since the two magic users hated each other.
"I know, right? Don't tell them...I'm saving that for when one or both of them piss me off again." That might very well be tonight considering how crazy Loki had been driving me.
"Tracy..." Steve started again.
"Oh, for fuck's sake...I'm fine! It doesn't even hurt anymore thanks to the ointment the healer gave me before leaving New Asgard." Steve raised an eyebrow, because he knew that I had just fibbed. The man was almost as good a lie detector as I was.
"Is that what that smell is?" Sam asked.
"Yes, it stinks. Loki said that it and the pink gauze is an olfactory and visual reminder not to do something stupid again."
"He may have a point," Steve said without missing a beat.
Everyone was ganging up on me. It was frustrating, and kind of frightening.
"So why not just change the gauze?" Bucky asked, still staring.
"Already tried. Loki put on a nifty little spell to make it so only he can change the gauze and other dressings. I tested it this morning, and... well...the sparkles were the result."
They were more than sparkles. The pink gauze was glowing and little twinkling lights floated around my arm, blinking in and out as they first spawned and then landed back onto the brightly colored material like tiny multicolored fireflies.
"They look like fairy lights. I feel like they should sound like bells," Sam commented.
"Don't give him ideas!" I snapped in a panic. I would not put it past Loki to take that suggestion into consideration. I studied all three men and sighed. "You guys might as well go ahead and laugh. I know your internal organs are about to pulverize from you holding it in."
"Not at all."
"Wouldn't dream of it."
"Nothing about this is funny. Your arm was eaten to the bone, and I understand the acid had begun on the bone before Loki got to you."
And all three of them just lied through their teeth. As soon as they thought they were out of earshot, they were going to lose it. "Steve, I swear, it's getting better. I'll be careful, I promise."
He stared at me. Then he sighed. "Half days. You don't use that arm. At all. That means I had better see you typing with only your right hand. If you need to pick up anything you can't handle with only one hand, you call one of us to do it for you."
"Sounds fair," I agreed. I was already typing only with my right hand so I wasn't sure why Steve felt the need to add that, but I didn't argue.
"That also means no driving. Give me the keys to your car." Steve held out his hand.
My jaw dropped. "What?! Come on, you can't seriously..."
"I'll drive her when I'm available," Bucky volunteered.
"You will not!" I turned on Bucky. "I'll be per-"
"Keys. Now. Or you won't be coming to work at all. You can stay holed up with Loki watching Netflix for however many weeks it'll be before you fully heal," Steve threatened. He meant it. Every word.
I knew he was being a chivalrous man, concerned for the well-being of someone he saw as being his responsibility. Or you could skip the politeness and say he was being an overprotective ass and troglodyte. But I needed to get out at least for a little bit during the day. If I didn't, I would climb the walls. That was the only reason Loki had even let me come here today. I had begun driving him insane.
I sighed, grabbed my keyring, and handed it to Steve. He nodded as he removed the Rabbit's keys and pocketed them. Then he leaned over and grabbed a Sharpie out of my pen holder. I froze as he bent down to scribble something on the pink sparkling gauze, capped the Sharpie, tossed it back into the pen holder, and smiled before he left the room to head to the kitchen.
Sam scrambled out of the chair and made a beeline after Steve, looking like he was about to sprain something. Bucky waved. "I'll be back at noon to take you home," he informed me, then followed the other two men.
I glanced at my arm to see that Steve had not only autographed the pink gauze, but drawn a little smiley face under the signature. I couldn't decide if he had taken my "suggestion" literally or if he had made the choice to be a smartass.
The damn thing never did stop glowing.
Bucky dropped me off at Loki's building. I was staying with him, but I still thought of it as his place, just as his cabin in New Asgard was. I allowed myself to sag in the elevator. It had been nice to get out, but Steve was right to put me on half days, although I would never admit that to him even under threat of death. Going about my business while pretending I wasn't hurting had been exhausting. The worst part was I couldn't do anything about the pain. Human painkillers didn't work on me, and no one had yet found a pain relief spell that wouldn't turn me into an instant space cadet. That Asgardian ointment numbed things a little bit, but not enough.
Being in constant pain was putting me into a bad state of mind. Memories were riding me hard, and in the last few days I'd almost had my "episodes" several times. The others had picked up on it. No wonder they'd been watching me like hawks. Every ten minutes it seemed like someone found some excuse to come to the foyer. Steve wanted to take a look at a file. Rhodey needed some schematics. Thor wanted to see if I wanted him to drive me home instead (Hell no). They really shouldn't have bothered with the piss-poor thought-out excuses. I had known they were checking up on me.
I got off the elevator and stepped out, taking a deep, steadying breath. I was getting ready to put the mask back on.
"No. Don't you dare."
I had been so distracted that I hadn't heard him open his door. He made his way over to me. "Don't do it. You don't need to pretend. Not with me."
"I'm not pretending anything. It really does-" I yelped when Loki's hand grabbed my hair and yanked my hair back so I was looking into his eyes.
He was still mad. Well, I had been a bit of a bitch for the past 24 hours or so. "I was the God of Lies, little girl. Don't. Lie. To. Me," he snarled.
Make that really mad.
"I had enough of being lied to while growing up."
Shit. How could I be so stupid? Loki had told me about the fucked-up dynamics of his family, with Thor confirming. I knew his adoptive parents had lied to him for his entire life about him being a Frost Giant prince, about having an older sister, and other secrets. I knew those lies had made him vulnerable to manipulation by Thanos, and how he'd been driven insane and committed acts that he was paying for to this day. His guilt about the hundreds, even thousands, of people he killed was palpable.
I knew he still had massive trust issues. Even a little white lie was enough to trigger him now. And having my own triggers, I really should have known better. I trembled, wracked with remorse and pain. "I'm sorry," I whispered, a tear sliding down my cheek.
He just barely managed to stop himself from reaching out to wipe that tear away with his thumb. His hold on my hair eased and I leaned into his chest, wrapping my good arm around his waist. We stood there like that for several minutes, him fighting not to wrap his arms around me while I trembled against him.
"I know you don't like being vulnerable," Loki observed while running his hands through my hair.
"That doesn't excuse me being bitchy towards you."
"I can handle the bitchiness. I can take it as well as I can dish it out. What I cannot handle is you shutting me out. Feeling that you need to put on a front with me. I don't like that. That was what upset me." He leaned down to speak into my ear. "Don't do that again. Don't withdraw from me like that. I can't bear it."
I sighed deeply then felt his amusement right before he said, "I see you tried to change the gauze."
"Yeah, thank you for that. I'm already bracing myself for the sparkly gag presents the others will be leaving on my desk."
He chuckled and led me to his penthouse. "How was everything otherwise? I noticed Barnes brought you home."
I pouted. "Steve took away my car keys."
He very wisely did not laugh at that.
Breathe. Breathe. For the love of God, breathe.
I was fresh from a shower and it was time to clean my wound and change the dressings. This part, right here, was dangerous, for myself and for everyone else. It was when I was most prone to my flashbacks, because having the wound cleaned hurt like a bitch.
Loki didn't like hurting me and kept trying to talk me into letting him cast that pain relief spell on me, but I really didn't want to end up high as a kite nor become dependent on the enchantment.
He sighed as he released the shield he'd placed around my arm and shoulder so it wouldn't get wet as I bathed. I sat down, trying to get as comfortable as I could. It was no use. This wouldn't be fun no matter what I did. It didn't help that in order to do what he needed, Loki had to touch me. He tried to do it as little as possible, but there was still contact, and that contact combined with me being in pain was a recipe for me to completely apeshit. In fact, his reasoning for doing it himself instead of, say, Stephen, who was a doctor and probably more qualified, was that he was a god and would therefore be more capable of dealing with me if I lost it than the doctor.
I wasn't so sure, considering some of the things I'd seen Stephen do, but arguing with him about how capable Doctor Strange was always proved to be futile. Since I knew that Loki would have insisted on being present for this if Stephen did it anyway, and also wouldn't be able to hold himself back from decking Stephen or worse when the Sorcerer hurt me...it was just easier to let Loki have his way.
"Eyes on me," Loki reminded me when I started focusing on the floor and breathing heavy as he peeled the dressing off. I redirected my gaze to his eyes, which became harder when my vision wavered. He was removing the last of it, and it was excruciating. After it was all discarded, he gave me a break, holding out his hand. "Are you still with me?"
I grabbed his hand with my right convulsively, squeezing hard.
"That's right, Pet. Use me as your anchor. You're safe with me." He waited for my breathing to slow before he turned to his next task. The hard part. "Eyes on me," he ordered again, then went to work.
It was agony. Black lightning appeared in my vision, which had tunneled. I felt my head spinning, and my mind was dangerously close to the edge. "Focus on my voice. You're alright."
I clung to the sound of his voice, and what I could see of his face, like a life raft. Everything was a sea of chaos. I hurt and it was taking me back, back to the labyrinth when I had been in constant unrelenting agony.
"Stay with me," Loki's voice was stern. I clawed at it desperately, determined to hold on and not get lost.
After what seemed like forever, it stopped. "Shhhh. Pet, speak to me. Give me a sign that you're with me."
On impulse I laid my hand against his cheek. My vision cleared as I stared into his eyes. He kept cajoling me, speaking words of comfort in that deep, silky voice of his. He didn't even break eye contact when he turned to press a kiss into my palm, unable to control that impulse.
He froze, expecting me to lose it. Oh, something in me did break, but not in the way he expected.
I trembled and more tears fell from my eyes. "What is it? Talk to me, Pet," he told me.
"It's stupid," I whispered.
"Nonsense. Tell me."
I closed my eyes. "I-I wish my mom was here." It was like a dam just broke. This time, Loki didn't stop himself from gathering me in his arms, holding me as I cried. There was no panic attack, no flashback, nothing. It was just Loki holding me as I finally, finally let myself grieve.
"W-why..why did they all have to die? All those people, not just my parents, or sisters...billions, t-t-trillions, an entire universe, and I survived. I survived, and they didn't! Why? Why couldn't I join them? Why..."
We were on the floor by then, our legs intertwined, and he said nothing as he held me while I sobbed and even howled. I couldn't get all the anguish out. "A-and I knew when they all died...I felt their deaths, every single one...all those voices...a-and I couldn't do anything...not e-even for my mom...I miss her. I miss them all so much..."
That was my big secret, one I hadn't even told Stephen or anyone else. That even as a human, I was such a powerful empath that when my universe died, I experienced the deaths of every single person who perished.
Why I wasn't even more insane than I currently was, I didn't know. It was a miracle I was even walking around. I shouldn't even have been alive. And I didn't want to be. Or at least, I didn't until I started getting to know people here, including the god who had his arms around me.
"I know," Loki replied quietly. "Hold on to me, Pet. Let it go. Let it all go."
We stayed like that for the rest of the night.