a/n: Life is quite different post-pandemic- I hope you are all staying healthy and safe. Thank you for joining me in this journey with this story even though it may be slow, it's a small solace in my life when things seem dark. The final scene in this chapter may be one of my favorites so far and was slightly influenced by my favorite Damien Rice song I Don't Want To Change You.

Cold Sweat & Soft Silences

At first, she thought it was because of the numbness that it brought. That it allowed her to slip into a sleep so deep no trace of her real-life could penetrate it. It gave her a whole half of the day that belonged to nothing but silence. No chatter in the background, no thoughts, no worries, no fears, no emotion at all. Lately, it seemed a lot better to have no emotions, to be void of anything that could touch her under the skin. It even seemed ideal for someone like her, someone who was meant to be nothing but a trained guard, a killer if it was needed. She never really took the time before it happened to realize that's what she would be at the core of it. Of course, they weren't beings seen as worthy of life. They were monsters that stalked their prey, tortured them, drained them of all they had until they passed into the veil.

But that was still a lot to ask of someone so young. Someone still for all purposes, a child. Lacking any experience in the real world other than one small stretch of time on the run and pretending to be a normal human. She wanted so desperately for so long to be seen as an adult, as the reliable one, the one that could handle anything and knew it all. It felt a lot different though after being the one really in charge. After holding a body in her own arms and feeling the weight of that loss. The physical tactile weight of a lifeless body growing stiff under her hands. No one ever really explained to her how the body rapidly starts to change at that moment. The gritty truth of how real it all feels while feeling not real at all at the same time.

The school therapist once explained it to her as a disassociation. That her mind knowing full well it couldn't handle that acknowledgment and in that moment simply pushed her body into a slowed-down mode that detached her. The only problem was she was supposed to come back. You're supposed to come back and accept that pain once you leave the situation. She never left that moment though. It just continued, an unending moment of drifting away from herself like a balloon gradually making its way towards the endless sky until it hits the atmospheric pressure. Just waiting and waiting until the pressure was so profound that she blew up in a quick pop. Just waiting until the little shreds left from the burst fell back down to the ground.

Admitting that out loud felt so personal though and she couldn't say it to the therapist. She knew that the therapist knew she was hiding things, keeping words to herself that needed to be said, but there was something that felt too intimate about it. Honestly, most things felt too intimate in those moments. Being known so deeply and exposed like that was almost embarrassing in a way when she spent so long creating a perfect persona as the girl who could take on anyone and even handled being on the run. She didn't need to show that side of herself to anyone, not even Lissa. Especially not Lissa when she had to be the strong one to protect her and stay by her side through it all until the very end.

So if it took some vices and shutting herself off from feeling her own emotions then so be it. She just needed to hold it in long enough to graduate and then she would be at least away from all the background noise and far away from this school that reminded her of what she'd lost to have this life. Nightmares could always be drunk away and physical violence could always be an escape from the underlying rage. It would be worth it all to see Lissa grow into the amazing woman she always knew she would be and see her thriving and happy.

x

Her wake-up alarm came too early as it always did as she felt around for her clock. After turning it off she laid on her back and worked up the nerve to fully get up. Today was the day of the dance which meant a lot of emotional labor and hours of wearing an uncomfortable outfit. But it did also mean it was the weekend and she could finally have a break from the schoolwork she was hopelessly behind in. The stern failing grades talk was one she was not looking forward to having with Dmitri. It always made her feel like such a little kid being scolded for touching the cookie jar without asking.

With a little hesitation from her stiff joints, she made her way to the light switch and started shuffling through the motions to bathe off the smell of sweating through thick sheets and drunken restlessness. Running through her mental itinerary she knew she'd have to be at Lissa's room in about three hours or so with a bag packed with her outfit so that Lissa would have long enough to play dress-up with her before the official start of the dance. As she waited under the steaming hot water for her conditioner to soak her mind started to wander remembering the evening before with Adrian. Should she text him now or just wait until she saw him on campus? Was he really going to be her date to the dance? It felt like such a trivial thing to be worried about but the thought of his hands on her again set her alight with nervous jitters.

After debating with herself while she put on her clothes she settled on texting him now since she did tell him she would.

"What time should we meet for the dance?"

She must have retyped it at least a dozen times wondering if it sounded dumb but eventually sent it with a quick tap and then paced back and forth practicing high kicks waiting for her phone to buzz back a reply.

"Does this mean you accept being my date? Be still my heart! We can meet anytime that you want to."

Of course, she should have expected such a reply from him. Laughing to herself she tossed her stuff together into a duffel bag and then headed to the gym to work off a little energy before heading over to get some food and then Lissa's room.

The hallways were crowded as everyone bustled around with their friends with arrangements for outfits and last-minute dance date proposals from the more nervous students. Rose's head started to thump from all the commotion and she started walking faster towards the solitude of the gym with her eyes trained down directly at the ground. With everyone out and about it started to seem even more likely that it would be empty. As she neared the end of the hall that turned towards the gym she bumped shoulders roughly with someone. With a small mutter of sorry, she glanced quickly up to see who it was but caught only a glimpse of short red hair walking away before disappearing into the crowd.

Her breath caught in her throat for a second as the back seemed hauntingly familiar but shook it off as she rubbed the spot on her shoulder that ran into something that felt very solid. Her pace toward the gym quickened a little more and in record time she was finally there and relieved to see it very much empty. Throwing her bag on the ground she started right into practicing her dodges and punches with the mannequins.

Time moved fluidly as she fell into a groove and sweated out as much of her hangover as possible guzzling water every so often. She started to feel a little more of her normal self as she focused all of her energy into every kick and every punch.

"If you look this good in just a tracksuit and pouring sweat I cannot imagine how breathtaking you're going to be tonight."

The sudden voice startled her and she spun around so quick she lost her footing on the mats. With a gruff, she let herself just collapse backward letting the fatigue settle into her muscles.

"Does that line always work for you?"

Adrian sat down on the mat beside her with one arm balance on his knee and cradling his face as he looked down at her.

"No, but I sure am hoping it works on you. Though at this point I'm quite sure you could be holding someone by the throat and still cause me grief with your looks."

Rose slipped off her gloves and tossed her arms outward in defeat.

"If you keep it up then it might just be your throat that I'm holding you know."

She meant it as a more genuine threat but the wording choice was not on her side.

"Are you threatening me with a good time? How scandalous! What would everyone say if they knew that you were into things like that?"

Wiggling his eyebrows at her Rose immediately caught the double entendre that she'd said and with a sigh rolled over and got up to sit across from him. She had a feeling she was a bit more of a sore sight to see than he let on and tried to smooth her hair back into her ponytail a little bit more.

"You look like you've had a bit of a long night. Are you doing okay? You don't have to tell me the details if you don't want to. Just a yes or no is fine. You know you can let me know anytime you can't sleep. My phone is available for you day or night."

His voice was much softer and he looked at her with a tenderness that almost made her want to cry. To let it all out for just a moment even and let someone know how badly she was sinking.

"I just have been thinking a lot, you know? I don't like thinking a lot. My mind...wanders when I think too much."

She was at a loss for better wording that really encompassed how it felt, but she knew that he would understand what she meant.

"I know how that feels, it's not a good feeling. You've been through a lot lately. Let's have a fun night tonight, how about that? No worrying about anything, just us having a good time. Promise?"

It felt like a large weight off her chest thinking about one whole night thinking about nothing but just feeling like a normal person at a dance with the person they like.

"Promise. I think that sounds perfect actually. Thank you for understanding and not pushing me to talk about things. I really appreciate that about you."

Standing up Adrian offered a hand down to Rose and pulled her up directly in front of him.

The intimate undertones of the moment felt heavy between them and Adrian reached up and stroked her flushed red cheek.

"You never have to thank me and you never have to apologize."

With a deliberate gentleness, he placed a slow delicate kiss on her forehead and cradled her head as he caressed her hair with his thumb. A comfortable silence nestled between them with the only sound Rose could hear being his heart thumping in his chest against her like a wild rabbit. His nervousness eased hers as she knew now it was not just her feeling new to this kind of affection. The feeling was so unfamiliar and unknown but it felt like coming home after a long and tiresome day. The kind of day where your feet ache and blister but the moment you place your shoes inside the door every part of you breathes like it's getting fresh air. Was the embarrassment of being so wholly known all she needed to lay bare to feel like this?

Rose's phone buzzed so loud in her pocket between them it jolted them both out of the moment they fell into.

"Sounds like we better go get ready, Lissa is probably already on the warpath to have everything perfect."

Adrian laughed with the statement but lingered a moment before pulling away completely from Rose.

"Ugh, you're more than correct. I'm almost afraid to know what will happen if I'm even a minute late. I'll see you later"

"Don't forget our promise."

With a caring smile, he was gone and Rose was rushing as fast as possible towards the other dormitories without any worries, not even a single thought about the redhead she'd collided with earlier.