After the appointment, which was only about an hour, Jacqueline asked Jane if she wanted to take a walk in the park. Not ready to go home yet, Jane agreed. They took Jacqueline's town car to the nearest coffee shop before being dropped off at the entrance to Central Park.
They both walked shoulder to shoulder, wanting to hold hands, but not wanting to push each other in public. Enjoying the fresh air and the company of one another they both continued on in silence, not sure how to bring up what was on their minds.
Finishing their coffees throwing away the cups in the nearest trash. Jacqueline glances over at Jane seeing the panic starting to set in.
Jane was spiraling from her nerves, things were still so unsure for them as much as it shouldn't be. Not to mention she was supposed to have surgery in a week - would her and Jacqueline even be official by then? Would Jacqueline still want her after the surgery? Is Conner gonna be as okay with the idea of us as James was? What exactly isn't she saying about Ian?
Jacqueline spots a bench just ahead of them, sensing all of Jane's turmoil, and seeing it in her eyes - Jacqueline grabs her hand ushering the writer towards the bench to sit. "Jane, come sit and talk please. I know we still have a lot to talk about."
Jane sighs, blinking her eyes, squeezing the hand in hers as she comes back to the world. "Okay." Following Jacqueline to the bench sitting next to her. "I'm sorry Jacq, my head just won't stop spinning."
"Babe it's okay. I get it. A lot has happened over the last forty-eight hours." Jacqueline turns her body to the girl, brushing the hair out of her face as their knees touch. "What's bothering you Jane? You can talk to me."
Glancing down then back to Jacqueline. "Are you okay with me having the surgery? Are you still gonna want me?" she softly asks.
"Oh sweet Jane, I think it's brave of you wanting the surgery. And nothing is ever gonna make me not want you! You have become an essential part of my life. Don't you know that by now." She takes both Jane's hands in hers pulling them to her chest. "Would you like to know something?"
Jane with tears in her eyes nods "Everything Jacq. I want to know everything."
Smiling softly, rubbing the knuckles with her thumb "Do you remember the first day we met?"
"Of course I do. It was the first day of my internship. You thought I was a writer." She smiles.
"And I was right." she laughs.
"You wore that black and yellow dress." she hums remembering the day from so long ago.
"You remember that?" she asks, flabbergasted.
Jane nods her head. "Of course I do"
"You remember when you were sitting at the table and I came by, saying 'it's the notebook again. -"
"I told you I liked to write by hand." She smiles fondly.
"Yes you did. And I said ' Girl after my own heart. ' and then I asked you what you were writing about." stopping her from answering with a finger to her lips " 'You told me expectations. About how if you let go of them reality can exceed them in ways we never expected.' That moment Jane, it set me on a path I wasn't expecting to be on. It made me deal with personal things I didn't want to deal with." Jacqueline turns away slightly, dropping their combined hands from her chest to her lap.
Shocked - "Jacq. Please look at me" comes out before pulling Jacqueline back to look at her. Getting her bearings she removes a hand from the older woman, softly taking her cheek in her hand. "What things Jacq?"
Leaning into the hand Jacqueline chokes out a silent sob. "It made me question my marriage. Think about how my life would have been different if I didn't follow expectations of what I knew was set for me." Jacqueline sighs out. "Only Richard knows this, but I didn't marry Ian for love. He was my best friend, he came into my life at a difficult time as you know." she tells Jane who smiles softly at her, remembering when Jacqueline told her about her assault.
Seeing Jane looking down. "Jane you were the only person I told the whole story too, the details of it all." Pulling Jane's hand to her lips kissing her knuckles.
"He was the safer option. I never fully told him what happened, I mean he knew something happened but nothing more than that. He never fully pushed to know more than what I told him either. Which I'm thankful for." she sighs out. "Does it make me a bad person Jane? He didn't push me for sex -which I wasn't interest in with him - he let me be and build my career, not minding the long hours I always kept to keep myself out of my own mind. Jane, to be honest, it was easier with him like that, then telling my truth."
Tears pouring out of her eyes, Jacqueline pulls away from Jane, standing up from the bench. Wrapping her arms around herself. Not being able to look at Jane. "I did come to love him -as my friend, later as the father of my boys. More than that though it could never happen, would never happen." The sobs wrecking her body now, never having said these words out loud. It took Jacqueline a long time for her to even admit it to herself.
Jane stands up, wanting nothing more than to take Jacqueline in her arms but wasn't sure if it would be welcomed or not. Hesitating behind the editor, Jane places her hand on her shoulder. "Jacqueline, no that doesn't make you a bad person. You did what you thought was best for you at the time to survive."
Jacqueline turns around throwing herself into Jane. Both ladies wrap their arms around one another. The editor, still with sobs wrecking her body, cries out "Jane"
Jane pulls back slightly, with tears in her own eyes, she brings her hands up to wipe the tears from the woman's eyes "Hey, Jacqueline, baby, you are the strongest person I know. You have dealt with everything that happened to you alone for years. You did what you needed to at the time to get through it the best way you could when wanting nothing more than to push it behind you. There was nothing wrong with that, nothing wrong with wanting to survive."
Breathing shallowly, Jacqueline wipes the tears falling from the writer's eyes. "Jane, I need you to know I don't take this lightly." Pointing between them. "What's going on between us is so much more than anything I have ever felt in my life. You make me feel things I haven't let myself feel since before" pausing, choking on the words " before my assault. Things I didn't want to feel. Jane, you make me feel safe." Her thumb lightly gracing the lips she has wanted to taste. "I don't want to scare you darling but you make me feel like I have come home."
Jane shutters in anticipation at the combination of words and the feel of Jacqueline's skin -even just her thumb - on her lips. Slightly glancing at the editor's lips; that she has been dying herself to finally claim as her own, then looking back into blue eyes she can't get enough of.
"Baby" pleadingly escapes Jane's lips just as they both lean closer, heads tilting before their lips finally press into each other in a sweet slow kiss. Lips moving in sync with each other, hands sliding up backs and through hair to bring each other closer to one another.
Needing to breath, they both pull back, both breathing hard - Jane's fingers touching her lips, not believing they finally kissed. Jacqueline smiles fondly " Yep. Feels like home." leaves her lips.
Jane breaks out into giggles, lightly shoving the editor. "Thank you."
"Darling you don't have to thank me." she says pulling Jane into her arms. "It was a pleasure, I assure you. " she laughs out kissing Jane's head.
Not seeing eyes watching them, they continue to hold each other for another minute not wanting to break the closeness they finally let themselves feel.
Pulling apart Jacqueline grabs Jane's hand in hers, lacing their fingers together. They begin walking again this time hand in hand. Not caring much more about what anyone else thinks.
Arms swinging between them Jane can't help the smile gracing her face. Moments pass before Jane glances at the editor next to her, looking past her near a tree in the distance. Jane stops suddenly.
Feeling the tug on her hand from Jane stopping, and seeing the strange look on the girl's face Jacqueline slightly panics. Getting Jane's attention by squeezing the hand in hers, stepping a little closer to her. "Jane, what is it?" The concern over powering her words.
Shaking her head, glancing around again. "I think Ryan was over there, behind the tree." Comes out in a panic.
Jacqueline pulls Jane into her arms kissing her head. "Oh Jane." Pulling back taking out her phone. "I'll text my driver to come get us."
" Okay." She says looking around not seeing anyone, she sighs in relief.
"Come on sweetie he'll be here in a moment." Taking Jane's hand walking to where her driver will pick them up. "Are you sure it was him?"
Shrugging "I don't know, maybe." Laying her head on Jacqueline's shoulder once they get to the street.
Kissing the girl's head holding her close. "What do you want to do, darling?"
"Fade away with you, if that's an option." She sighs with longing and hope in her voice.
Jacqueline laughs as the car pulls up. "Come on you, are you hungry?" Her own stomach growling in want.
"A little. Can we get something and go back to mine though?" Jane asks softly.
"Of course. Whatever you want." she says before kissing the writer's lips softly.