But when five days had passed and the thirty-day-mark was a week away, Harry decided to take matters into his own hands. Passing B'Elanna a padd in the final moments of their shift, he said, "On your way of duty, will you bring these status reports to the Captain, please?" The request was benign and appropriate, but B'Elanna squinted suspiciously.
"You want me to bring these to her now? She's probably off-duty by now. Why don't you just send them to her to read in the morning?"
"Because she likes to have them to go over the night before. So, you know, just respect my command authority and bring the Captain the report, okay?" He followed the lighthearted statement with a grin that told B'Elanna everything she needed to know about his intentions, and made her feel strongly like she wanted to rip his ears from his skull.
Throwing him a glare, she said venomously, "whatever you say, Ensign" before aggressively taking the padd from his outstretched hand and stalking towards the turbolift.
….
As it turned out, the Captain was, in fact, already off shift, but she wasn't in her Ready Room, as was typically the case. Upon arriving on the Bridge, Tuvok informed her that the Captain had retired to her quarters, but was still receiving reports from department heads. Making her way down to the Captain's quarters, B'Elanna tried to articulate what she would say to the Captain preemptively, hoping she could make the encounter as quick and painless as possible. Pausing outside her door, B'Elanna wasn't sure how long she rehearsed her greeting before she was startled out of her thoughts by an approaching crewman. Steeling herself, she punched the chime.
She heard the Captain's beckon as the doors swished open. The Captain's quarters were always lit dimly - she seemed to prefer it that way - and tonight there were only two lamps on in the living quarters. The Captain was seated on the couch, still in uniform, but her jacket was unzipped which, along with the stack of books next to her, indicated to B'Elanna that she was ready to stop working.
Looking up from her reading, Captain Janeway looked a little surprised but not displeased to see B'Elanna standing in her doorway.
"What can I do for you, Lieutenant?"
B'Elanna stumbled, but recovered quickly. "I just...I…. I'm sorry to bother you, Captain. Harry… Ensign Kim asked me to bring you the final Operations report for the day". She held out the padd awkwardly, not sure how close to get, and thankfully the Captain leaned forward and took the padd.
Cueing up the screen, the Captain glanced at the content briefly before setting it aside, and giving B'Elanna a brief, "Thank you, Ms. Torres" in dismissal.
B'Elanna turned 45 degrees towards the door, feeling urgently that she wanted to speak the Captain but having no idea what to say. She hesitated a few seconds too long, and the Captain looked up again.
"Was there something else, Lieutenant?"
There was her opening. Yes, there is something else. I'm sorry I'm a disappointment to you. Please don't give up on me. Please give me another chance to prove myself. But try as she might, she couldn't find the right words to get started. Shaking her head, she turned towards the door and started to flee.
"B'Elanna?"
The words were soft and calm, only slightly concerned but insistent that she respond. Since the incident, the Captain had addressed her very infrequently, but always with her rank or title - she hadn't spoken B'Elanna's name in weeks. B'Elanna paused her escape and turned halfway back to the Captain, eyes glued to the floor. In response, the Captain sat up straighter and gestured to the spot next to her on her long couch. B'Elanna steeled herself for the impending emotional meltdown - she just knew she wouldn't make it through this conversation in one piece.
Sitting down clumsily, B'Elanna kept her head down, opening her mouth a few times trying to find whatever words might be the right ones. She wasn't hoping for eloquence - merely understanding.
"I never got to…. I didn't…. I want to … apologize. For everything that happened". B'Elanna could feel the Captain's surprise through her downturned head. She forged on with her statement.
"I hope that you know that I never would have intentionally put Voyager in harm's way - I really did believe I could fix that problem before anything catastrophic happened…."Even as she was uttering them, her quiet, fast words sounded hollow and more like excuses as they left her mouth. B'Elanna braced herself for the reality of what she needed to say.
"I know that you…" B'Elanna inhaled and exhaled here "can't trust me to run your engine room, and I'm sure that you've lost faith in me as a senior officer. I understand that I've likely lost your respect and I accept that…." B'Elanna faltered at the finality of her own statement. She could feel the coming swell of emotion and she wanted to finish what she had come to say before she wasn't able to. "I just want you to know…" she swallowed, willing her throat - thick with unshed emotion - to allow her to speak, "that I'm going to work as hard as I can to earn your trust back and to show you that I can be of value to Voyager, wherever I end up. And - " she paused again, lowering her voice two notches to barely a whisper "I'm sorry that I disappointed you. It's the last thing I ever want to do".
The Captain was silent for several beats, and B'Elanna's agitation and urge to bolt grew with each passing moment. Finally, the Captain inhaled, preparing to speak, and when B'Elanna looked up she saw something akin to sadness mixed with resolve on the Captain's face.
"You're right. I was, and I am, very disappointed". B'Elanna lowered her eyes again, the familiar feelings of shame rushing back, her body basically vibrating with guilt. What did I expect her to say? I forgive you? It's fine? I'm not upset? B'Elanna braced herself internally for round two of the emotional beating she knew was coming.
"What you did in Engineering affected everyone on this ship". The Captains voice was soft and surprisingly compassionate, though the message was intentionally stern. "But it also violated my trust by making a public display of the lack of confidence you have in my decisions. I'm incredibly disappointed that after all this time, you don't have more self-control, or more respect for my authority, than to publicly flout it like you did". The words were precise and without anger, but they cut B'Elanna deeply.
"And so I'm forced into a position of needing to move a person, who may well be the most talented engineer I've ever met, out of my Engine Room, because I can't trust that my orders will be followed and the rules of this ship abided by. I'm forced to make a decision that may well be to the detriment of our journey home, simply because you can't be trusted to do your job. And that, Lieutenant, is far and away the most disappointed I've been since we arrived here six years ago".
B'Elanna's body was so full of shame-fueled adrenaline that she wasn't honestly sure she could move. Tears pooled in the corners of her eyes, and when she shut her eyes shut to try to contain them, one slipped out. She roughly swiped at it with her hand, embarrassed at her lack of self-control. Just get out. She doesn't want you here. You're making everything worse.
B'Elanna stood up. Willing her voice to affect normalcy, she croaked, "I understand, Captain". Turning towards the door, she felt the Captain stand up behind her.
"B'Elanna."
She froze. I suppose I asked for this. You can't ask for her opinions and then not expect her to share them. She steeled herself for more of the verbal lashing the Captain was meting out.
She felt, more than saw, the Captain come up beside her. "I am incredibly angry and disappointed, and no more so in the fact that I thought we'd moved past this type of breach of trust in our relationship". B'Elanna nodded, hoping beyond hope that the Captain would let her run away soon, to lick the salt that she'd all but asked for out of her emotional wounds. And while she almost never used the phrase - it made her feel vulnerable in a way she rarely allowed herself to be - the only words her brain could formulate in response to the Captain's declaration was an almost inaudible, "Yes, ma'am".
The Captain moved so that she was face-to-face with B'Elanna, ducking her head in an attempt to make eye contact with her. When B'Elanna refused to meet her eyes, she softly put a hand on her upper arm. She felt B'Elanna jolt, but she didn't pull away, and her eyes jumped up in surprise. Kathryn Janeway could see the shame, the guilt, the emotional pain pooling in her face, making her eyes shimmer, and she knew B'Elanna was hanging on by her last thread of emotional control. "But the thing is, B'Elanna" - here she paused to make sure she had her full attention - "the nice part about having a parent - even a surrogate one - is that even when you do unimaginably disappointing things, they never give up on you." Another pause, and then, "and they will always love you."
The sob that escaped B'Elanna's body was unbidden and unintentional, and she quickly held her breath to prevent another. But before she could make any more steps towards self control, she felt herself lunging forward and wrapping her arms around the Captain's neck, burying her face in her shoulder and neck, and she felt several more silent sobs wrack her body. Resting there for a few moments, she felt the Captain return the embrace silently, an unspoken message of understanding. B'Elanna stayed there for several beats, drinking in the closeness, the nurturing, the Captain had offered her, and then gave a hurried and whispered "thank you, Captain" before bolting out of the room into the corridor.