Goodbye

The morning dawned early and cold for that time of year. Haruhi was up and moving around the kitchen before any of the others had even begun to stir. She said nothing, even as the compliments flowed through the doorway when her papas and friend woke up to the scents pouring into the main room. She laid out a simple breakfast for the three and retreated into the bathroom for a shower, never seeing the mirrored concern on each of their faces.

"Do you think she'll even be able to make it through today?" Minami whispered.

"I don't know," Viktor replied, feeling miserable for her. "She was at least talking to us yesterday."

"Did you see the circles under her eyes? She didn't sleep," Yuri pointed out.

"Yeah, but would you be able to?" Minami retorted, somberly.

"Not one bit," Yuri sighed.

The three elapsed into silence as they dressed and readied themselves for the day ahead, each wondering how they could possibly help her through so much tragedy and heartache. An hour later, Haruhi emerged, wearing a sapphire blue dress that came down to her knees with a thin, silver belt at her waist. Her bangs were pushed back with two silver barrettes and the same silver locket from the day before hanging from her neck. Minami's face flushed at the sight of her and for a moment, he was struck speechless, much to Yuri's amusement.

"You look stunning, little lamb," Viktor complimented. Minami nodded his head vigorously. "Blue is a lovely color on you." Her lips quirked into a hint of a shy smile. She looked on the verge of saying something but then seemed to think better of it as she slipped on some silver sandals.

"Thank you for breakfast," Yuri said hopefully. Haruhi merely shrugged.

Minami sighed, walking over to her and pulling her in for a hug while Viktor helped Yuri off the couch. "I know it doesn't feel like it right now," he muttered into her ear, "but it's going to be okay. You're going to be okay. But until you are, will you let me be here to help you?" He grinned broadly when she nodded her head against his chest and tightened his arms around her. "Thank you," he whispered. The older teen gave her one last gentle squeeze and stepped away, blushing when he saw Yuri and Viktor staring at him with matching grins that quickly faded when they looked at her. Haruhi hadn't noticed. In fact, she didn't seem to be noticing anything. She started walking towards the door as soon as Minami released her.

"I think Haruhi's ready to leave without us," Yuri joked humorlessly. He was actually very worried about his newly adopted daughter. The last time he had seen her this unaware was just over a week ago when she first heard that Ranka didn't make it. They hurried after her, Yuri hobbling along as quickly as he could. Viktor stayed with him to help him down the stairs of her apartment while Minami sped up to catch Haruhi before she really did leave them behind.

"We'll go together, Haru-chan," he said, grabbing her hand. She hailed a cab just as a long, black limo pulled around the corner. 'Uh-oh,' Minmi thought, tightening his grip slightly. He knew the hosts still didn't like him for taking her out and he hoped they didn't say anything that would upset her any more than she already was.

"Haruhi," one of the twins called, hanging out the window, "we came to pick you up." She completely ignored him and kept walking toward the cab she called. "Haruhi!" The twin called a little louder. Minami squeezed her hand and lightly tugged on her arm to gain her attention. She finally looked at him as if only just realizing he was there and glanced down at their joined hands with the slightest tint of pink in her cheeks. Viktor and Yuri reached the bottom of the stairs and moved to stand by her.

"Do you want to ride with your friends, Haru-chan?" Minami asked, gently. Haruhi bit her lip and gazed at the cab, preferring the quiet it would bring. "If you don't want to, that's totally okay too," he quickly assured. She shook her head 'no'. Kaoru looked crestfallen and they heard some protestations but the limo drove on and the four squeezed into the cab.

The ride from Haruhi's apartment to the Zōshigaya Center was completely silent. Haruhi stared out the window unseeing, watching memories of these familiar streets. Over there, she had tripped and skinned up her knee when she was little. Her father had overreacted and wrapped half her leg in gauze. And there, that was when she first caught her father following her to the store. There he was walking her to school. He bought her ice cream over there. That's where they used to pick flowers together. They ate some bad sushi there and both spent three days sick with food poisoning. Somehow, he even managed to make that fun for her. Because she was with him. Every place they passed seemed to hold a different memory of Ranka. She didn't notice the tears that slipped from her eyes. Didn't notice when Minami reached for her hand again.

Viktor watched Haruhi closely. She was reaching her breaking point, he could see it. He'd had three years of practice with his Yuri, he could recognize the signs with ease, even as reserved as she was. He worried that, when she finally did allow herself to break, she would do it alone, closed off from everyone, and he wouldn't even know. If he had learned one thing about her this week, it was that she did not want an audience to her grief. It killed him to listen to her each night, those uncontrollable cries, muffled as they were, and to not rush in to help her, hold her, rub her back, the way he did whenever Yuri broke down with anxiety. But Yuri had told him not to and he had obeyed. Looking at her now, silent tears streaming down her cheeks, he wondered if that was the right call. Did she think she had to hide from them?

Yuri stared ahead, thinking about everything that had happened since his dog had died. He was now married to his dog's namesake, had several promising years as a skater left, was in the process of adopting a daughter, had a loving home and both parents and his sister. What would he do if he ever lost any of that? How would he handle it if Viktor was suddenly no longer at his side? If one of his parents or his sister was gone from his life? If Haruhi, who was already as important to him as his husband, didn't come home one day? He covered his mouth with his hands and leaned forward in his seat, feeling the same sick, creeping panic he usually only felt before a competition. He had to control it. Haruhi needed him. He needed to be as strong as Viktor. For once in his life he needed to be strong like his husband.

Haruhi had told Ritsu not to bother with the funeral but to skip to the cremation ceremony. She didn't feel like she could sit through another formal ceremony with everyone telling her how sorry they were and how much they wished they could help. She didn't think she was strong enough for that. Not again.

She got out of the cab, closely followed by Minami and Viktor who turned to help Yuri out. Ignoring the limo that pulled up behind them, she took a few shaky steps toward the building, stopping right at the edge of the stone path that led to the crematory. As Yuri righted himself, both husbands glanced up and did a double-take. It was the photo from the night before, almost exactly. The only differences being the season and the young woman standing next to a young man. It was chilling to see and their hearts broke a little more for the girl who had gone through so much.

"You can do this Haru-chan," Minami whispered beside her, squeezing her hand. "You'll get through this and you'll come out stronger for it. And we'll be right here the entire time."

"Of course we will, sweetie," Yuri said, hobbling up behind her, Viktor matching him step for step. "We're not going anywhere." Viktor grabbed her other hand reassuringly as the small group stepped forward together, the hosts close behind.

Every step she took through the building, closer and closer to the cremation chamber, felt heavier, like she was moving through molasses. But eventually, she made it to the room that held her father. There was something ethereal about the way his hair was splayed out around him on that silver table. The purple organza dress that was his favorite to wear to work draped him as gracefully as it ever had. He still didn't look like he was sleeping though, more like he was already gone. Her hand covered her mouth as she took another step forward. This was it. This was the last time she would ever see her father again. She barely noticed as Viktor released her other hand and nudged her ahead, holding the rest of the group back. Tamaki looked like he was about to protest but the combined glares of Yuri, Viktor, Kyouya, Honey, Ritsu, and Mori silenced him immediately.

The man on staff began talking about the process: what was going to happen, how long it would take, what would happen when it was done, that she had the option of pulling the lever herself or letting him do it. Haruhi heard none of it, clutching her father's cold hand, staring at him and trying desperately to memorize his face. Every feature, every crease, and laugh line. A warm hand touched her shoulder and she jumped, forgetting she wasn't alone. Yuri held up his hands in surrender, his soft, brown eyes filled with comfort and concern. She missed the warmth though. She felt cold, empty. As if Ranka's hand had drawn out all hers. There wasn't anything left of him. Haruhi turned slowly toward the long, silver handle and took hold of it.

It wouldn't turn. She tried to push harder. The lever didn't budge an inch. It was the hospital door all over again! Why wouldn't these handles work for her? Haruhi whimpered, her eyes filling with unshed tears. "Just turn," she begged. "Please." A tear broke free and slid down her cheek as a broken sob escaped her lips. A pale, slender hand gently covered her two, stilling her. She looked up into glistening amber eyes partially hidden behind bright red bangs.

"You don't have to do this alone," he whispered, gently brushing her damp cheek.

Instead of answering, she squeezed her eyes shut and threw herself into one last push, crying out as she did so and sinking to the ground with the lever, hanging her head. Her shoulders shook with the effort she put into moving that stupid lever, and tears streamed down her face in droves as she heard the motors turning. She again felt a warm, comforting hand on her shoulder.

"Go," she hissed out, flinching away from the touch. Haruhi relaxed only when it pulled away before brokenly whispering "just go…please."

"No." She turned her head sharply, glaring at him. He stared back.

"Leave," she demanded again.

Minami crossed is arms. "No. I'm not gonna leave."

"Minami, maybe we'd better do as she asks," Yuri muttered, placing a calming hand on the blonde's shoulder. He shrugged it off and casually sat next to her.

"What are you doing?" Haruhi growled. "I said get out of here! I want to be alone with my dad!"

"I heard what you said," Minami grinned softly. "I'm just not listening."

She growled again, feeling anger building up. "Why not?!"

"Uh-oh. He's provoking the third demon," Hikaru whispered.

"We should run while we still can," Kaoru muttered.

"Just back away slowly and no one will get hurt." Haruhi glared at the twins causing them to yelp.

"Because," Minami continued as though they hadn't been interrupted, "when I told you I'd be here for you the whole time, I meant it. No matter how much it pisses you off." He winked at her, nudging her gently.

"I don't want you here!" She shouted, standing up and pointing at the door. "Now get out!"

Minami stood too, placing his hands on his hips. "No." Haruhi snapped, gripping the front of his shirt in both fists, the black tendrils of her rage encasing them both. The others cried out in shock and alarm but Minami stayed calm, only pissing her off more.

"I just want some time with my father, Minami!"

"No, you don't," he countered. "You want us to all walk right out that door and the second it locks behind us, you're going to cry your little heart out in here all by yourself. Sorry, Haru-chan, but I care about you too much to just let that happen." She drew back her fist and punched him in the shoulder.

"Haruhi!" One of the others reprimanded.

"Damnit, Minami!" She bit out through clenched teeth, punching him again. "Why can't you just do what I asked?" Each word she emphasized with another hit, each one weaker than the last. "Why?" She re-doubled her grip on his shirt, her forehead pressing against the middle of his chest. The first sob broke free with one final, weak hit. "Why?" Tears began falling one after another down her cheeks. Broken sobs tore from her throat as her knees buckled under her. She felt his arms wrap around her, keeping her upright.

"There it is," he muttered into her hair. "Don't worry, I've got you. I won't let go."

Her cries grew more desperate. He was gone. Her daddy was gone. She would never see him again. Never feel his bone-crushing hugs or smell his burnt breakfast attempts. He would never deafen her with screeches about how much he loved her and how proud he was of her. There would be no more arguing over the clothes he bought her, no more taking care of him when he was drunk and weepy over her mom. And she would have done anything, given anything, to get that back. To have him back.

And she knew how selfish that was. She had a loving couple and a doting family, if Yuri's and Minami's words were anything to go by, ready and eager to take her in and all she could do was wish for her daddy back. It wasn't fair! She couldn't miss him without the feelings of guilt that came with it. And Mina-kun. She'd pushed him away. He only wanted to be there for her and she tried to shove him out. She'd hit him! Repeatedly! He'd stayed regardless but how could she ever make up for that?

"I'm so-…I'm sorry…I'm s-" she panted. She couldn't get the words out. The force of her cries was too strong.

"Shhh shh shh. I know. I know. It's okay," he murmured, holding her closer, rocking her gently.

Wails of inhuman despair tore from her throat as the tears-stained rivers ran down her cheeks. She couldn't stop them if she wanted to. Haruhi was lost to the grief and guilt that overwhelmed her, completely engulfed by choking, heaving sobs that bespoke her anguish. She had no idea how long she bawled in his arms. She was mindless to anything else. All she knew was the irrepressible agony that consumed her.

At length, her tears and cries began to slow. Still she kept her face buried in his shirt until she was all but dozing on Minami, feeling utterly drained. Minami continued to rub her back and whisper soothingly to her. Haruhi noticed for the first time that he wasn't the only one. There were at least two others, one on either shoulder.

"Haruhi," Papa Yuri's voice called, gently rousing her, "it's time for the second step whenever you're ready. No rush though, we can be here as late as you need to." She nodded but didn't move beyond that.

Eventually she too a deep, shuddering breath and stepped out of his embrace, turning around. The sight of her dad's bones and ashes, she knew, would haunt her forever. Harui felt her breath catch in her throat. Black ash covered the silver slider Ranka had been on and surrounded a grey-smudged skeleton Ritsu was placing a large urn at his feet and the cremation employee was passing out sets of long chopsticks.

She took hers with trembling hands and walked up to what used to be such a vibrant man. She took the chopsticks in her hand and plucked the topmost vertebrae from just below his skull to honor his endless support. Carefully, she opened the locket around her neck and placed it next to the piece of skull from her mom, honoring her intelligence. Haruhi stepped back to his feet and waited for everyone else who want to, to get the piece of her father that they valued most.

As the only other person in attendance who had been to a traditional funeral before, Ritsu took position near Ranka's skull and turned his sad eyes on her. She found the bones of his feet and, using her long chopsticks, placed them in his urn, which Kyouya had told her earlier in the week had been made by the same company that made her mom's. Piece by piece he was passed between their eleven sets of chopsticks until Ritsu carefully picked up the fragile skull and passed it down the line. Haruhi took it from Honey and kissed it lightly before gently placing it between his shoulders.

"Goodbye, dad," she whispered as she replaced the lid. "I love you." She looked up expectantly at Ritsu who nodded. Haruhi picked up the large urn and hugged it to her chest, her eyes glistening at the ashes left behind.

"He will be taken care of, I promise," Ritsu assured. "You will have your father's ashes in an urn matching your mother's when we leave. For now, let's lay him to rest with her so that he can fully be at peace." Her lip quivered and for a moment, her vision wavered behind a fresh cloud of tears. She swallowed thickly and nodded, turning to leave the chamber.

The door opened before she even had a chance to reach for it and Tetsuya held it open for her and the others. The silent procession walked back through the crematorium with Haruhi leading the way. Once outside, she could have led them blindfolded, she knew the path so well. She looked to the waterspout on her left only to find that the bucket and sponge were missing.

"It's already there, young miss," one of Ritsu's subordinates informed her somberly. "Filled with hot water and ready to go."

She offered him a grateful, albeit small smile that quickly faded as she turned her face towards the familiar path to her mother's grave. Leading the way, she clutched her father to her chest and began humming the lullaby he used to sing to her when she was a child. The wind tickled her face just like his stubbly chin and for the first time since his passing, she found herself smiling genuinely even as more tears fell.

For the entire three minute trek from the main building to her father's final resting place, the only sound that could be heard was the crunching of leaves under their feet. No one dared break the silence. When the flower-laden site came into view, Haruhi's steps faltered.

"We're all right here with you, Haru," Minami reminded, just loud enough for her to hear. "You're not alone."

Tears began falling again as she shrugged off the comforting hand he'd laid on her shoulder. Haruhi bit her lip hard enough to draw blood and forced her feet to move forward. As she approached, the sight of the empty, concrete hole in front of Ranka's marker almost made her take pause again. She knelt between the two graves and, with shaking hands, lowered her daddy into his. She took the sponge from the bucket and scrubbed every inch of both Ranka's and Kotako's grave markers. Then she lit a stick of incense that had been provided, setting it in the middle and rearranging some of the flowers around it. Arum lilies on her mom's side, white roses on her dad's. For a few minutes, she just watched the smoke curl around the leaves and petals.

"Kyouya," she whispered, her voice hoarse after disuse and crying. She felt him kneel beside her in an instant. "Did dad ever tell you why his favorite flower was the white rose?"

"I'm afraid he didn't," her friend replied hesitantly.

Haruhi's lips quirked into a tiny smile. "I think this might be the first time I've had information that the Shadow King didn't."

"I have no idea why you all insist that I'm so omniscient," he said in an innocent tone that made her roll her eyes and both of them chuckle lightly. "Will you tell me, Haruhi?" She nodded.

"For a long time, I didn't know why either. Why such a colorful person like my dad loved something as colorless as a white rose." She brought one of the long-stemmed flowers closer to her and brushed the petals with her fingertips. "When I finally asked him, he showed me a little trick. If you mix food coloring with the water and leave the rose in it overnight, you can turn the rose into whatever color makes you happy. He said it was the perfect representation of what we were capable of too. That with a little re-watering and a little time, we could be whatever color makes us happy. That was why the white rose was his favorite."

Haruhi wasn't sure why she decided to share that story. Now that she had, she was a little embarrassed. She couldn't bring herself to look up from the rose in her hand, knowing that even though she was talking to Kyouya, everybody was listening to her tell it. She hadn't even thought about that story in years. It wasn't until she felt herself being pulled into a tight hug by Kyouya that she realized why she might have felt so compelled to talk about it. So many of her friends struggled between their true selves and the self that was pressed on them by their society and their families. Haruhi returned the hug, smiling at the idea that her dad was speaking through her, comforting them one last time.

Thanks, dad,' she thought, squeezing her eyes shut and leaning into her friend.

"Thank you, Haru-neechan," Kyouya whispered into her neck. She tightened her arms and held him until he pulled away. His grey eyes glistened slightly.

Ritsu came up and sat on her other side. "Can you tell me some stories about your parents? I never met either of them, but I'd like to learn a bit about them."

One by one, she felt the others sitting down around her.

"I'd like to hear some too, if you don't mind," Honey said, unusually subdued.

"Us too," Hikaru and Kaoru chorused.

"I'd love to hear all about them, little lamb, but only if you're up to it," Viktor said from the other side of Ritsu, sitting with Yuri's leg propped up in his lap.

Haruhi was silent for a minute or two, watching the incense smoke swirl in the light breeze.

"How about the first time I tried to help mom make a cake?"

For the next several hours, she regaled them with stories from her childhood, never taking her eyes off that tendril of fragrant smoke rising from the incense stick. At some point, Ritsu's subordinates brought them all food. Though Haruhi picked at whatever the others pressed on her, she didn't actually eat more than a couple of bites, concerning more than a few around her. She was at least drinking when Tamaki passed her a water bottle and since her stories were far more preferable to her silence, no one commented on it.

Eventually, Haruhi ran out of stories and fell quiet. The others fell silent around her. One by one, Ritsu and the hosts left, muttering words of comfort, of goodbye, and offering promises to visit soon. When Minami began shivering in the late day sun, Viktor quietly sent he and Yuri back to Haruhi's apartment.

"You can go too if you want. I know the way back from here." It was the first thing she had said in a while.

"Nonsense. This is nothing to me, little lamb, and I am not leaving you alone. We will stay as long as you want to."

"I just…don't want to leave yet," she finally admitted. "If I do, then I…I…"

"You have to say goodbye," Viktor finished. Haruhi's lower lip quivered until she bit down hard on it. "Please don't do that," he said, gently tugging on her chin. "If you make yourself bleed, I may end up passing out on you." Viktor chuckled. "I am fine with my own blood but the sight of other people's blood makes me dizzy."

"Oh. Sorry," she muttered, turning away.

"Don't be." He was silent for a minute. "I want to thank you, Haruhi." She looked at him, confused. It was the first time her attention had been diverted from the stone markers in front of them.

"I never thought I'd be happier than when my Yuri finally realized I loved him the same way he loved me. Then we got married and I was proven wrong. Surely that was the happiest I would ever be. I wanted to thank you, little lamb, for proving me wrong again.

"You see, I too lost my parents when I was really young. They died in a car accident when I was six. My coach took me in and although he did his best to raise me, Yakov was still my coach first and foremost. I lost any semblance of family I had then, and the ice became my whole life. Meeting my Yuri, seeing him dance on the ice to my routine, was the first time I'd felt anything like passion or love in many years. And that feeling has only grown with time.

"That day at the hospital, when you accepted our care, it was the first time since the accident that I felt like I was truly part of a family of my own again. My Yuri gave me the world when he opened his heart to me. Ranka gave me a gift when he asked to give you to us. And you, my dear little lamb, gave me the moon and stars when you agreed to let us care for you. So thank you. For trusting us, for relying on us, and for making me happier and more complete than I can ever remember being. Even if you decide you never want to be a Nikiforov and you'd rather stay a Fujioka forever, thank you for being part of my family."

Haruhi didn't respond and Viktor didn't expect one. The pair sat in silence for a while longer as night began to fall. If Viktor noticed the stray tears still trickling down her cheeks, he pretended not to. Instead, he thought about the man who they had so quickly come to respect and appreciate. It was a shame they were forced to meet under such circumstances. Viktor had the feeling Ranka had been an incredibly vivacious person, full of spirit and fun to be around. He probably would have ended up being a close friend to him and Yuri if he'd survived, with the two skaters spoiling Haruhi as doting uncles. He smiled, thinking of all four of them together at Christmas. He could almost see Yuri apologizing profusely to an exasperated Haruhi after he and Ranka went overboard with presents. Viktor looked down at his new daughter, seeing her struggling to stay awake, and sighed. It couldn't be helped. Viktor's grin widened as he silently promised Ranka he would spoil her enough for the both of them.

"Come on, little lamb. We've got a long flight tomorrow."

"No, I'm okay," she answered, too quickly and she knew it.

Viktor chuckled softly. "Ranka, Kotoko, I hope you have a good night. We'll visit soon." He still felt a bit awkward talking to a grave, but he'd seen Yuri do it at the Katsuki shrine and he'd watched them both of them talking to the Fujioka shrine, so if it put her at ease, he'd do it too.

"Good…night?"

"A bit better than 'goodbye', don't you think?" he said, standing up and brushing himself off. He held out a hand for her to take.

"You're right," Haruhi replied, a soft smile touching her lips, the most genuine one he'd seen from her in days. She took his hand and Viktor pulled her to her feet, holding onto her shoulders when she started to sway.

"I'm a little hungry, so how about we grab a quick bite before going back?"

"Sure."

Viktor had seen how little she'd eaten before and he knew she hadn't eaten breakfast with him, Yuri, and Minami. Combine that with how little sleep she'd gotten and how much toll grieving took on the body, she had to be running on fumes by now. He would make sure she ate something before going to sleep tonight. He promised Ranka he would take care of her, even if he had to do it subtly so she didn't realize it.

"Good night, mom. Good n-night, dad."