A few hours later, Amanda stirred, sensing something was off. Her nose was filled with a scent she knew well, but not in this setting. Olivia's vanilla spice perfume was as familiar to her as her own face in the mirror, but it was out of place in her bedroom. Opening her eyes, she could see that it was still dark outside, and what little she could see of the room was unfamiliar. This wasn't her bedroom.
Before she could start to panic, her brain eventually caught up to the events of thanksgiving night. She turned her head quickly to look for Liv beside her. She wasn't there. Or at least, she wasn't laid sleeping beside her as Amanda had expected.
The brunette sat on the edge of the bed, facing away from Amanda. She had thrown on an old t-shirt, covering the smooth expanse of her back, and Amanda could make out the tangled chestnut tresses hanging loose. Liv had her hands on the bed either side of her and seemed to be holding herself a little stiffly.
"Liv?" Amanda's voice was quiet, hoarse with sleep, but the older woman still jumped when she heard it.
Looking back over her shoulder, she aimed a half-smile at the blonde, cocking her eyebrow she responded, "hey, you."
"Everythin' okay?" Amanda asked, her voice a little louder now, wondering at Olivia's odd behaviour. "What're you doin?" She stretched her hand out to the older woman. From her position in the king size bed, she could just reach to brush her fingertips along the small of Olivia's back. Whether she sought reassurance or wanted to give it, she wasn't sure.
"Everything is fine, sweetie," Liv said in a peaceful voice, still facing away from her. "I'm just thinking, that's all."
Olivia's assurances did nothing to quell the anxiety growing in Amanda's mind. "What're you thinking about?" she asked, feeling her heart plummet as she tried and failed to keep the tremble from her voice. "You… you don't… you're not starting to regret… what we did, are you?" her voice practically choked off by tears by the end. Of course this would happen. How could she have been so stupid?
Amanda curled herself into a tight ball, trying to control her breathing, so as not to break down completely in front of her boss. You aren't good enough for Olivia, you idiot. You don't deserve someone like her. What could you possibly have to offer her? She was so lost in her own despairing thoughts, that she did not hear Olivia's next words. Not until she felt the brunette's touch on her face could she focus on what Liv was saying.
Amanda's question had Olivia whipping around seconds after she realised what the blonde was implying. "What? No, of course not!" she exclaimed, scrambling across the bed to Amanda's side, "why would you think that, baby?" she asked softly, though Amanda didn't seem to have heard her. Liv placed a warm hand on a pale cheek, trying to help ground the younger woman, who looked as though she were spiralling into a panic attack.
Amanda's eyes slid shut as she leaned into the touch, a lone tear escaping unbidden from beneath a closed lid. Liv wiped it away gently with the pad of her thumb. "Hey, hey, Amanda, why are you crying, sweetheart? Talk to me."
"I-I," Amanda stuttered, "I just… I know I'm not good enough for you, and last night was… the best night of my life." She sniffled and looked down at her knees, worrying the bedsheet between her fingers. "But if you didn't like it, if you don't want me, I-I don't know what to do. I mean, I know you deserve a lot better than me, but now I know what it's like to be with you, I don't know if I can face you every day if I can't be. I'm sorry Liv, I'll go," clutching the sheet to her naked form in an attempt to preserve the little dignity she had left, she started moving towards the edge of the bed, looking around on the floor for her clothes. "I'll put in a transfer request first thing on Monday, you'll never have to see me again, I'm sor–"
Her words were cut off when the brunette pressed her lips hard to hers, halting her rambling. Olivia sat back a few seconds later, planting her hands upon Amanda's shoulders, waiting for the stunned blonde to make eye contact with her "If I didn't want you, would I have done that?" she challenged.
"N-no?" Amanda made the answer sound like a question, her surprise at Liv's action causing her to halt her escape attempt.
"Sweetheart, come here," Liv said gently, pulling Amanda into her lap and cradling her close. "First of all, last night was the best night of my life too, so don't be worrying that I didn't enjoy myself."
She gave an impish grin as the blonde in her arms raised her eyebrows hopefully. "Really?"
"Amanda last night was incredible! I've wanted to be with you for so long, I can't believe it's finally happening. I love you, I'm in love with you and really hope that you feel the same way because I want to spend the rest of my life proving it to you." She crushed her soft, full lips to Amanda's for a long moment. When she pulled back there was a glint in her eyes. "By the way, "she hummed into the blonde's ear, "that was the best sex I've ever had, I've never had two mind-blowing orgasms so close together before."
As the pale light of dawn began lightening the room by degrees, Olivia could see her lover blush a deep pink, but the corners of her mouth twitched in what might have been a smile.
"Secondly," Liv's voice took on an authoritative tone as she reverted to her list, "if you try to put in a transfer request, it will be denied faster than you can say 'SVU'. I don't want you to go anywhere, I want you right here," she squeezed briefly around the slim figure that she held in her arms, "where I can see you, all the time. And so I can do this," she pressed a quick peck, to the blonde's lips, "whenever I want to."
Liv almost laughed at the look of incredulous disbelief on the younger woman's face, but she knew still had one very important issue to address.
"Thirdly," she began softly, stroking silky blonde curls back from Amanda's forehead, combing through them comfortingly with her fingertips. "I don't know where you get the impression that you aren't good enough for me, but you're wrong. If anything, I'm not good enough for you."
Amanda let out a snort of derision, "Liv, please," she said, a sneer of self-disgust firmly in place, "I'm a gambling addict with two bastard children from different dads, and I'm always making wrong choices. I have nothing to offer, but you?" She searched the intense brown eyes that watched her as she spoke, never wanting to forget their perfect shape, their rich, deep colour. "You're the Olivia Benson. You're a great mom, a great cop, and stunningly gorgeous to boot."
"Well thank you for the compliment, but the reality is that my son sees more of his nanny than he does of me, I am a constant thorn in the DA's side, and not to mention, I cause the Brass no end of headaches. So the great mom, great cop thing is kinda subjective." She said ruefully.
"As for you, Missy," she nudged the blonde in her arms, "you're a recovered gambling addict, you haven't placed a bet since you found out you were carrying Jesse. That's like, five and a half years? Manda, do you know how proud that makes me? Don't forget, I grew up with an addict, I know the temptation, how hard it is to resist. It's a battle that you fight and win every damn day. It makes you one of the strongest people I've ever known.
Amanda swallowed hard as tears pricked the back of her eyes. Liv is proud of me. She thinks I'm strong.
"I'll admit, you have made some…questionable choices in the past," Olivia conceded. "You've had a habit of seeking forgiveness rather than permission, but usually it was for the right reasons. I can't honestly say that I wouldn't have done exactly the same thing, back before I was in charge of the unit." She gave Amanda a warning look, "Tell Kat about this and you're dead, I'm trying to set a good example for her, but I went rogue on more than one occasion back in the day. At one point it felt like I was in Cragen's office every other week being chewed out for my latest stunt."
This was news to Amanda, who thought Liv had always been a stickler for the rules.
"But I digress," Liv said quickly with a shake of her head, that was a story for another time. "my point is that nobody is perfect, myself included. And I'm not saying I love you in spite of your flaws, honey, I love you because of them."
Amanda twined her fingers with Liv's holding them to her chest. With a small smile she asked, "even when I make stupid, reckless decisions?" She was feeling better now, Liv having allayed most of her fears.
"Yes." Liv said emphatically. "You may have made some reckless decisions, but you were only trying to get justice for the victims when you did. As for the choices in your personal life, well, if you hadn't made those choices, you wouldn't have Jesse and Billie."
Tears spilled down Amanda's cheeks now. She had not been thrilled either time she had found out she was pregnant; she had even considered termination the second time. But now that she had them and knew them, the thought of being without them caused her almost physical pain.
Olivia brushed away the tears. "Who their fathers are doesn't matter. You are doing a damn fine job of raising those girls. They are both so smart and funny and beautiful, just like their mama."
Mama. A memory stirred in the back of Amanda's mind. "Noah called me 'mama'," she blurted suddenly, taking the brunette by surprise.
"What?" Liv asked, looking confused.
"Last night," Amanda insisted, "when I went in to say goodnight to him, he called me 'mama'. I thought maybe he said 'Mana', y'know, like he did when he was little? But now, I think he said 'mama'. Why would he say that?"
She shifted out of the older woman's lap. Still holding the bedsheet around her body she sat cross-legged across from Liv, mirroring her position and watching her carefully. Her eyes narrowed suspiciously when she looked at Olivia, who, instead of looking surprised or confused or maybe even hurt that her son was referring to another woman as his mother, just looked mildly guilty and a little uncomfortable. Casting her dark eyes around the room, the brunette was looking anywhere but at Amanda. "Liv, what's going on?"
"Um," Liv looked uneasy, lifting her hand and rubbing the back of her neck, awkwardly. "I kind of had an impromptu conversation with Noah last night… about you. That's what I was thinking about before you woke up and thought I had changed my mind about you." She reached for Amanda's left hand, the one that wasn't holding the sheet, and started playing idly with it, tracing mindless patterns over the soft skin.
For a moment Amanda looked embarrassed, but then her expression became curious. "What were you and Noah talking about me for?"
Olivia sighed, then proceeded to recount her conversation with Noah to the blonde. "…and I wasn't going to say anything, because I didn't want to freak you out." She observed Amanda's face, which was set in a careful, unreadable mask. "Kinda like I think you are doing right now." Liv muttered, though Amanda didn't appear to be listening anymore.
"I'm not freaking out," Amanda said in a calm voice. "I'm just… thinking."
The irony was not lost on either of them as the tables were turned, Liv now panicking over Amanda's silence. They looked at each other for a long moment before they both burst out laughing, effectively breaking the tension.
"So," Liv said, wiping tears of mirth from her eyes, "has the judge reached a verdict?"
Amanda rolled her eyes at the older woman, but decided to play along. "Hm-hmm," she cleared her throat, "before I give my ruling, there is just one point I need you to clarify."
Liv nodded once, waiting for the blonde to continue.
Amanda took both of Olivia's hands between her own, holding them in her lap as she stared deep into those intense chocolate eyes. Her tone turned serious as she asked, "Liv, are you really asking me to move in with you?"