"Where did-".
"It was sticking out under your bed", Dan cuts me off waiting for an answer. "Are you pregnant Jenny?".
I sigh. There's no sense in lying.
"Can we go inside?", I say.
Dan doesn't budge, but studies my face.
"Oh my god you are", Dan is shocked.
I walk past Dan to get in the door. There's a chill in the air from outside and I want to go up to the loft.
I walk up the stairs and hear Dan behind me.
"Jen, we're not done talking about this", he says stearnly.
We're at the door of the loft now and I look at him to unlock it.
"I know we're not, but we can at least talk inside".
Dan sighs and opens the door, letting us in.
Once we're in he looks at me to start talking.
"Okay so... I just found out this morning", I say. "I was going to tell you soon".
"Jenny!", Dan's hands are now on his temple. "How far along are you even?".
"5 weeks", I squeak out.
I can see Dan's brain working as he scans the situation over in his mind.
"So someone in the Hamptons?", he asks.
"Yeah", I say meekly.
"Okay well you should tell the father, is it some guy from the beach, does he even live here?", Dan goes a mile a minute.
"Yes he lives here", I say slowly and then sigh.
"So you just hooked up with some random guy?", Dan asks.
I scoff.
"No, but if I did, it wouldn't be any of your business", I'm slightly irked now. "Anyways, it's not some random guy... Dan your gut reaction is going to be mad when I tell you this but-".
"Wait a second", Dan says putting his hand up. "Oh my god".
I can tell he knows.
"You know how close we are, especially during the summer okay?... it wasn't like a random hookup or anything, I knew what I was doing", I say.
"Nate", Dan mutters and he turns around, his head in his hands. "I am going to kill him".
"C'mon Dan, that's just stupid. He's your friend", I protest.
"Friends don't sleep with their friends little sisters and get them pregnant", Dan throws his hands up.
"Stop acting like I'm some victim okay?! I wanted to, and it's both of our faults that this is happening now", my hands are on my hips.
"I just-", Dan sits down on the couch, obviously angry. "I didn't think you were this stupid Jenny".
I scoff.
"This is a lot of judgement from someone who we thought was in this same exact situation a year and a half ago with Serena", I counter attack.
"That was different, me and Serena loved each other".
I look at Dan in the eyes.
"Don't tell me you love him Jenny", Dan says shaking his head.
"I -", I sigh sitting down on a chair across from him. "I don't know what we are, but I know that the feelings we felt weren't fake Dan. And I take full ownership of what happened... but it wasn't a mistake and it wasn't some spur of the moment thing", I say, my voice breaking. "But I'm in this situation now, so there's not much I can do about it except for try to do what's best for us all".
Dan looks at me for a while and eventually his eyes soften.
He comes over to me and envelopes me in a hug.
"I'm sorry Jen...", Dan says softly into my hair. "I just, I'm just scared for you, that's all".
"I am too", I say and a tear escapes my eye.
"Have you told Nate?"
"Yeah I have. He took it pretty well, said he would be there for me either way", I say.
"Either way?", Dan's confused.
"Well if I keep it or not", I say.
"Do you know what you want to do?", Dan asks.
"Everyone has asked me that today", I say looking down.
I sigh.
"If I'm being honest, yeah I want to keep this baby. But maybe it's better for everyone if I don't. Y'know then you and dad won't be mad at Nate, Nate won't have to be taken away from his life, Nate's family won't be affected-", I say, but Dan cuts me off.
"See that's why we love you, Jen. Because you always think of everyone else first. But you get to be selfish with this okay? You're the one that has to live with the decision", Dan insists.
I smile.
"I'm really glad I talked to you Dan", I say and then let out a small laugh. "Even if you had to find out like this, I feel really relieved".
"Well good, but it's not over. I can take the day off school tomorrow if you want to talk more", Dan pauses. "And Nate too, as upset at him as I am".
"Maybe after school? I should probably be at school or dad will freak".
"Okay after school it is", Dan puts his arm around me pulling me in for a short hug. "I can't believe my baby sister is pregnant".
"I can't either", I say and let out a breath. "It doesn't really feel real".
"Well we should probably get some sleep, I can walk you to school tomorrow?".
"Dan you don't have to treat me like a seven year old now", I laugh and Dan nods heading to his room.
"You'll always be like a seven year old to me no matter how old you get", Dan says and I smile at him. "And we should tell Dad too".
"Okay fine", I say and pause. "Oh and Dan? A walk to school sounds good".
We smile before heading to our rooms.
I'm in my room now, finally alone. Very relieved to just be left alone so I can relax.
I change out of my school uniform I've unknowingly been wearing the entire day into some of my comfy pajama shorts and a tank top.
I look at my stomach in the mirror. Then I force myself to look away. I don't want to romanticize some fantasy of me and Nate having a baby. If I do, I'll probably just get my hopes up.
Just like a lot of other things. My mom comes back into town, we're finally a family again, but my parents can't work it out. I try to break off with my fashion line, but I just lose everything. I finally feel some semblance of love for a guy last year, but Nate leaves town and then gets back together with Vanessa. I decide to lose my virginity to the only person I can ever imagine feeling safe with that way, and I end up pregnant.
So yeah hopes don't really mean anything.
Besides, even if Nate wanted to date me now it would probably just be because I'm having his baby, not because he actually could love me or anything.
I decide to text Nate even though it's getting closer to midnight.
J: Hey, I hope I'm not waking you up, but I just wanted to let you know that Dan knows. He found out, I didn't tell him. But he's fine.
I lay in my bed waiting for a bit, then my phone buzzes not a minute later.
N: Hey, don't worry about waking me, I told you anytime of day, anywhere, just text me. I can't imagine how upset he must be at me. I want to make things right with him.
J: It'll be okay. Want to meet us after my school is over tomorrow? Here at the loft?
N: Yeah of course. I'll come over then.
J: Thanks Nate.
N: Of course. Get some sleep, talk soon.
I turn my phone off and put it on my bedside table beside me and slowly drift into sleep.
I wake up to Dan's voice across the room.
"Jenny, come on, you gotta get to school", Dan says.
I groan and get out of bed, I feel so tired and nauseas.
"I need coffee".
"Yeah I'm pretty sure pregnant people can't have coffee", Dan smirks.
I think for a second, my hair a ruffled mess. Ugh, he's right.
My stomach turns and I run to the bathroom, emptying the contents of my stomach into the toilet.
Dan's behind me at the door.
He looks grossed out.
"You know when you throw up, I throw up... I'm sorry I can't watch", Dan walks away cringing. He's always been squeamish.
I wash some water around in my mouth trying to catch my breath.
I come out of the bathroom to see Dan in the kitchen.
"Just a typical morning now", I groan.
"Does anything make it better?", Dan asks.
"Not really, I just eat saltines throughout the day", I sigh.
Dan hands me the saltines from the cupboard.
"Thanks", I smile.
We head off to school, me and Dan catching the bus.
"Thanks for being so nice to me, Dan", I say as we sit on the bus. "I know this isn't like something you should even have to deal with".
"No it's not, but if it has to do with you, then it's important to me, Jen", Dan smiles.
"Nate's going to meet us after school", I say. "And I know you might not want to see him but-".
"No that's good, he should be there", Dan interrupts.
When we get to the Upper East Side we get off the bus and start the walk to Constance, which is just about the last place I want to be right now.
When we reach the gates into the school, I sigh.
"Okay Dan, I'll see you after school", I say.
"Alright, and Jenny make sure to eat enough okay? At lunch have some protein or something", Dan advises.
I smirk at Dan trying to help me.
"I will", I nod and give Dan a hug before going into school.
The day goes by pretty fast. The mean girls don't really bother me. The classes are pretty boring, then I go each lunch alone, but it's peaceful as I sit on a bench in a nearby park. That's why I love New York City. You never really feel all alone.
Finally I'm in my last class for the day, which is English and for the most part is my favorite class, besides Art. I can't seem to fully concentrate though because I'm thinking of a baby that's half mine and half Nate's. If I didn't have it, I'd never know. I'd never know what he or she would look like. Then I push the thought back out of my mind and try to get back to The Great Gatsby.
Finally the end of school bell rings and I can go home.
I gather up my stuff from my locker and begin to head outside to hear a commotion happening in the courtyard area.
"Oh my god! It's Nate Archibald!", I hear a girl scream in a hushed whisper.
What?
"I wonder why he's here".
"I've never actually seen him in person, oh my god!".
"This will SO be on gossip girl later".
I start walking faster towards the entrance of the school to see Nate standing outside. He's wearing a blue t shirt that fits his muscles snugly and slightly matches his eyes.
He sees me.
"Hey Jenny! There you are, I thought you might need want a drive home?", he says to me.
I feel awkward with everyone's eyes on us and the whispers around us, so I pull Nate's arm gently down the street with me.
"What are you doing here", I say. "I thought we were gonna meet at the loft?".
"I know, but I was on my way home from school and just thought I'd stop by and see you", he smiles.
I smile back sheepishly.
"Okay, well yeah let's go".
Nate opens the door to a black town car and I get in as Nate follows, I suddenly see girls phones out taking photos.
"You know this will probably be on gossip girl later", I laugh.
"Eh, who cares, I don't really look at that stuff", he shrugs. "So how was school?".
"It was alright, just the usual. Kinda hard to focus though".
"Yeah, my mind was somewhere else in my lectures today", Nate agrees and laughs slightly. "Plus I'm mentally preparing for a punch from Dan".
I roll my eyes.
"No ones gonna punch you", I say with a laugh. "Mad? Sure. But they'll get over it eventually".
Nate looks unsure.
"Hey also I talked to Chuck and he talked to Blair and he told me about a really good OBGYN, so I got an appointment there next week. They say you should have your first appointment at 6 weeks", Nate notes as if he's been thinking about this for a while and then pauses. "You know if you want to go"
Part of me is blushing that he even took the time to look that up, but the bigger part of me is in a panic.
"Wait you told Blair and Chuck?".
"No, no... well I told Chuck. I'm sorry it's just he's my best friend, he's pretty much my family. I didn't tell Blair, Chuck just asked her, she has no idea it has anything to do with you", he says and grabs my hand.
I know his intentions are good.
"Okay, I'm sorry. I don't mind that you told Chuck... it's just if Blair knows then everyone will know", I say.
"Believe me, I know", Nate laughs. "But Chuck can actually keep a secret, even from Blair".
"Thanks for making the appointment", I smile.
"Yeah of course, you should see someone good", Nate says.
I smile.
"Do you think you know what you want to do?", he asks after a pause.
"Um yeah I do think I know what I'm going to do", I say, stumbling on my words.
We arrive at the loft and me and Nate get out.
"Okay great, well we can talk about it inside".
I nod.
I open the door to come in and see Dan sitting on the couch, staring straight ahead, clearly waiting for us in anticipation.
"Hey man", Nate gets out first.
Dan gets up.
"I didn't really think we'd be having this conversation. Especially about you and my sixteen year old sister", Dan says defensively.
"Almost seventeen", I interject. "And able to make decisions for herself".
"I know how mad you must be, trust me. But I really care about Jenny. And we didn't just hookup okay? And I'm in this for the long haul, whatever may come of it", Nate says.
"How did this even start? Under all of our noses all summer?", Dan poses the question.
"We're just close, and became even more so if the summer. I know she's your sister but she's also a just like any other young woman and she makes her own choices. She has all these thoughts and opinions and this amazing personality", Nate talks fast, and I'm surprised by what he has to say.
"And I only hid it because if I didn't, I knew it probably couldn't continue, and missing out on what we had, what we have, would've been unthinkable", Nate ends his speech and looks down.
"Well I'm glad to hear that but it doesn't really fix the situation", Dan says. "Obviously you're my friend man, and I know you're a good guy...".
"I know you don't want to trust me with her, but I only have good intentions Dan".
Dan sighs then extends his hand and Nate shakes it.
"Alright. Well, let's just figure out what we're going to do and then we'll go to my dad and Lily okay?", Dan says and me and Nate agree.
We all sit down on the couch.
"Jenny what do you want to do?", Nate asks, sitting beside me.
"Well, I've decided to have the baby", I say carefully looking at both Dan and Nate. "And that doesn't necessarily mean I'll keep it, I could put it up for adoption too, but I just really don't think I can have an abortion...".
"That's okay", Nate grabs my hand comfortingly.
I turn to talk to just him.
"And if that's not what you want to hear that's okay, I'm not asking you to contribute, financially or emotionally. It's just what I feel is right for me", I say.
"Jenny, c'mon", Nate reiterates and his eyes soften. "Of course I'm going to be here every step of the way, I promise".
"Well okay. I guess we're having a baby then... well you guys are", Dan says awkwardly and we sit for a while before Dan speaks again. "This means we better tell Dad and Lily".
"Yeah, I know", I sigh.
"Want me to call Dad right now?", Dan asks, even though he knows we don't want to hear it.
"Yeah", I look at Nate who nods in agreement. "Let's tell them".
Me and Nate look at each other as Dan gets on the phone.
"Hey dad, yeah me and Jenny were wondering if you could come to the loft? Jenny has something important to tell you", Dan starts off getting to the point right away. "Yeah you can bring Lily. Alright awesome, see you soon. Yeah she's okay, don't worry".
Dan hangs up.
"Well they're coming over", Dan sighs.
Here we go.