A/N: This is a little bit more positive, but not in the direction everyone is hoping for. I'm sorry in advance, but we still have a bit farther to go. I hope you all enjoy this update! xx Mariah
The days passed slowly, but the weeks flew by and somehow Katie got back into the routine of things as odd as it was to live without Ned. For many reasons, including those that she was not yet in a position to admit to herself, she tried to spend as little time at home as possible.
In between hosting study sessions after school in her classroom to help her students catch up before the end of the semester, sometimes she went to the YMCA with Mackenzie to run around the track above the lap pool while her younger sister swam.
Most nights she had dinner with her parents or would order in takeout while she graded work for school. She tried to keep active and busy at all times, to tire herself out, to distract herself as much as possible.
Every so often Ned would come by because he needed something or fix the dryer when it randomly stopped working like it always did. She suspected it was just a reason for him to come by, but she didn't mind the company.
She missed his presence at home, his scent, his warmth, all the things she never really took much notice of but that were now so horribly missing that it physically hurt. She missed the heavy stomping of his legs on the stairs when he came home or the containers of food that he always left in the fridge to take to the precinct for lunch.
She missed his obsessive need to turn the news on CNN when they cooked dinner (Because Katie, seriously, we know nothing of what is going on in the world. It's embarrassing!), and to stream the NHL Tournaments on some bogus website that was always so slow to load that he would end up missing the main action anyway.
She especially missed him in bed now that every night was plagued with different nightmares. Ghosts were common, but there had been quite a few recently and sometimes she still dreamt of images and sounds of the pain in the labor ward or of Ned's face when he'd told her their son was dead.
These were the nightmares that lead to Katie waking up in tears, but they were actually far better than the dreams of her holding Charlie; a warm, alive, and healthy son while she laid in the strong embrace of her husband.
After these dreams, she usually woke up with a feeling of pure, unadulterated happiness which lasted all but a second until reality stabbed her with its cold blade. Those were the mornings where she didn't want to get out of bed. She hated herself so much for everything that had happened.
She missed her son, even if she'd never really known him, but most of all she missed Ned. So much. Even if at a time she thought, once, that she was falling out of love with him. It turned out that she was never falling out of love with him. She hadn't been herself.
Katie Clancy would always be in love with Ned Banks. The problem was that for a moment, she hadn't been that person anymore. She had been this… shell of herself. She looked like her, she sounded like her, but she didn't act like her and definitely didn't feel like her.
And now that she was feeling like herself again, she was living in the aftermath of decisions that imposter had made without even consulting her. But when she sat down and really thought about it, the decisions were likely made for the best.
Ned deserved better. He deserved a full life, where he could wake up and see his child's little sparkly eyes as they gave him a run for his money in everything he had ever thought to be true about the world. He would be a perfect dad.
And he would've been a dad if it weren't for her body. There weren't any real causes for why their son had died. There was a technical term, a placental abruption, but there isn't any known cause considering she had been perfectly healthy at first glance.
She just hadn't anticipated this being so hard. It had never been this hard with anyone else.
Katie had never had so much trouble trying to step away from a relationship before whether it was professional, romantic, or platonic. She knew that logically this was what made sense, but she hadn't expected it to hurt so bad. She hadn't expected to still wake up in the middle of the night, weeks after they had decided to separate, startled because he was in her dream but he wasn't in her bed.
But it would get better or at least that's what she kept telling herself. Every time she saw him now she was left feeling empty in a moment that would normally be filled with his love, she told herself it would be better in the end. Every time she saw his expression fall just slightly when she cut off a joke in the place where it would've typically turned into a come over here and kiss me, it would be better in the end.
She could picture herself, five years from now, scrolling through pictures on Facebook. She'd find his account, naturally, not because she looked at it all the time, of course. She'd see the first picture of him holding a tiny, little bundled-up baby. She'd be able to see the glistening in his eyes that she knew would be there.
That's what he deserved and Katie didn't know if she could ever give that to him. It would be better in the end.
She tried to move on by finally getting a lawyer, but it still doesn't feel right. She doesn't tell this to Hannah, Olivia, or Andrew though, who strangely enough never really pushed her for updates. She definitely didn't tell Delia, who she still avoided even though, persevering as always, Ned's mother never seemed to give up from trying to get in touch with her.
The only person who knew was her own mother, but that was hardly a surprise. She told Melinda everything. She always had.
There were a few times when she almost told Ned though. To her shame and embarrassment, she had taken up to browsing his Facebook profile on a somewhat regular basis during her lunch period at work, trying to discover how he's doing without her.
However, her husband had never been an avid Facebook user, and his profile showed nothing new since their separation. The only change he made was to his marital status, which he removed discreetly in such a way as to not announce to the world that they may not be married for much longer.
His only visible interaction on most days was through the running app on his phone, but when she scrolled down further she saw a selfie of him with some girl named Rebecca that he was tagged in. It was captioned 'My new beau. Isn't he cute?' with little heart emojis… and she had to slam her phone back into the drawer of her desk to keep herself from commenting something.
Were they sleeping together? How did they meet? She knew she was letting it get to her head, but she had thought they were at least trying to fix their problems eventually. It wasn't like she'd said yes to Toby's date, but she was thinking about it now.
She finished her lunch and then made the long walk to the teacher's lounge to wash out her plastic container that she'd brought her salad in. She thought about Toby and his proposal the entire way and when she happened to see him looking over his student's collages alone in the lounge, she took it as a sign.
It couldn't be the worst thing in the world if Katie went out on one date with her ex. She was a grown woman now and if he put one foot out of line she'd shut him down so quickly he wouldn't know what hit him.
Plus, she knew it would drive Ned crazy when he eventually found out about it all. And that's what this was really for wasn't it? To make him want to take her back? Or did she just like the attention?
She approached his table and Toby slowly looked her over as she did, lingering on where her skirt met her bare legs. It definitely felt nice to be checked out again, even by him. Maybe it was for the attention. "So about that raincheck," she said, arms crossed. "Is it still on the table?"
Toby smirked. "Of course," he said, leaning forward. "Still have my number?"
"Probably not, Tob." She said, rolling her eyes. He had such an ego that she wanted to stab her eyes out sometimes. "Just pick me up at seven. I'll email you my address."
"Will the 'husband' be home?" He asked, even putting the air quotes around it as he sat back into his chair.
Katie was this close to telling him to fuck off, but she bit her tongue in the name of professionalism. "If you bring up Ned again then this is a no-go," she sighed, crossing her arms as he stood up and not cowering down to him as he stepped closer to her. "I'm not screwing around here."
Toby smirked at the implication of what she'd just said. "You aren't?" He pouted.
She hadn't decided that yet. "We'll see," she said, turning around and leaving the room.
Toby was right on time with picking her up and instead of taking her out, he brought her back to his place and made dinner himself. The ribs were good and the wine was better, but it made her realize just how much she missed having someone to share her time with.
They'd opened a second bottle when she'd found it in his fridge later on and it was finally easier to talk to him. Toby had never been one for small talk, at least not when he wasn't trying to get something, but for once he seemed interested in what she had to say.
They talked about school a little at first and how crazy fast the year had gone by before they caught up on each other's families. His sister had gotten married and had a baby, which he had made a comment about how his niece had kind of made him like babies more, but he was glad he was just an uncle as far as he was concerned.
Katie had talked about her family and Toby had seemed surprised that her parents had yet another baby, but she couldn't blame him. No one had seen Emma coming and she was officially the last now that her mother had made her father get a vasectomy.
And that was when the questions had come. Everyone at the school had known she was pregnant and she knew Ned had sent an email to let the principal know what had happened when she had been in the hospital and that Hannah worked at the school as well, but when Toby had awkwardly crept around his condolences.
She'd poured herself another glass of wine and drank it when he asked her the big one. "Is that why you and Ned separated?" He was waiting for her answer as he drank his own, but he didn't push.
She just shrugged and they left it at that. Any concerns she might have had about Toby disappeared after they finished the second bottle and settled on his couch.
She could tell after watching a movie together that there was a question on his tongue. "Spit it out," she said, feeling confident.
"So this is a date, right?" He asked.
She smirked. "What else would it be?" She asked.
Toby sighed. "Well, some separations don't always end in divorce. I just want to be straightforward with each other, Katie." He rested his hand on her shoulder and it felt good. "I've always wanted another chance with you. I'm a different person now."
"So am I," she confessed, being straightforward like he wanted. "I'm not looking to get into a serious relationship right now, Toby if that's what you're asking. I came over here because I know you. I don't want to meet someone new right now, but I'm when it comes to Ned I don't know, it's complicated. The papers have been filed, but that's as far as it's gone."
He nodded. "I see. I see."
"Stop complicating things here then," she said, reaching over to squeeze his arm. "I came here to destress myself. If I wanted to wallow in my feelings about Ned I would just call my mother."
There's a long moment of silence between them, the sound of people chatting on the tv filling it.
Toby looked at her, examining her, before replying. "Does it feel right, though?"
Katie's head snapped up. "What do you mean?" She asked.
"Divorcing Ned," he said, arching his eyebrow.
Conflicting feelings swerved in as she considered his words. Then, she let it all out. "Things may have gotten difficult, but I still loved him… until he cheated." Her words but a whisper only meant for the two of them to hear, even if they were alone. "After everything… I was just done and this is where we are now. Can we leave it at that?"
When she looked into his dark eyes, she knew that they could finally drop the subject. He gave a sad but understanding smile. "I see why you needed a night off from it all."
Katie needed more than that. She wasn't sure if it was the alcohol that had worn her down, but she had an itch to scratch. Her brain still wanted Ned, but Toby would do the trick for now. "I want no strings attached," she told him, swaying a little while moving closer to him. "Can you do that?"
"Whatever you want. I'm in," he said, leaning in, his breath hot as it mingled with hers until their lips met in a slow kiss.
She was quick to respond and kissed him back. His large hand wrapped around her knee, fingers tight along the backside of it, and he pulled until she was on his lap, straddling him as they made out.
It's hot, hotter than it had any right to be. She'd never been like Toby, waiting along for another chance to make things right. She'd been happy with Ned for so long that she'd never thoughts twice about him until now.
This was easy to keep in a little box and to keep her emotions out of it, which was exactly what she needed right now. But something's snapped inside Katie, something that made her feel free, something that allowed her to really enjoy this.
Toby's hands were on her hips, her thighs, on every inch of her back, and in her hair as he gripped it and holds her in place so he can lick up the side of her neck as she ground against him. It's all a little messy and she let go of him to push her cardigan off.
"If you want me to stop, tell me to stop, and I will," He murmured between kisses.
She didn't want him to stop, but she nodded as he kissed down her neck. She wanted him to know that she heard him. She lost herself in him, in the feel of him as he slipped his hands underneath her shirt.
Katie felt like she was floating and she didn't know how to touch back to earth. She moaned as she realized he stood up and he was holding her up and against him. She doesn't ask where they're going as he moved, but she assumed it's the bedroom.
She was overcome with desire, and she let out a huff of air when he dropped her onto his bed. Everything was falling into place. They began to take each other's clothes off, and god the anxiety of not looking as good or as sexy as she had when she was eighteen or even a year ago before all of this mess started to pull at her, even as Toby caressed her body above her.
"Sexy," he whispered before mouthing at her breasts. His fingers were tight on her nipple as he sucked the other into his mouth. "You're so sexy."
He knew what he was doing, and between the pressure of his fingers, the sharp scrape of his teeth on her, and his stubble against her skin, she was burning up underneath him. She moaned when he looked up at her.
"If I remember correctly," he whispered, his fingers pulling down on her panties to rid her of them. "You liked it when I did this."
His hands were gentle on her thighs, but she could feel the calluses on his palms and fingers from his artwork and it caused goosebumps to pepper her skin. It was a different feel from how familiar Ned's touch was to her.
Toby's tongue was a revelation, one that had always made her mind go numb and had her thighs quivering. Katie felt good. Better than she had in weeks.
Her fingers were in his short hair, and she can't stop her thighs from clamping on each side of his head. She knew she needed to not do that, but he moaned into her and smacked her ass.
"I'm gonna come," she whimpered, pulling on his hair as he licked and sucked her through it until she was pushing his head away.
Her bones felt like jelly, and she watched as Toby got up and got himself a glass of water. "Same old vanilla Katie. You'd think you were still a virgin like all those years before." He teased, setting the glass down as he sat beside her. His hand caressed her bare hip as he moved just enough to smack her ass again. "Except you've gained a couple of pounds."
She had to blink in order to let what he said to settle in. "Are you fat and kink-shaming me?" She asked.
"Don't go all fem-nazi on me now," he said, pulling her closer. "You know that's not what I meant. It's just… always been so simple with you. It's why I went after you in the first place, well other than scoring a virgin."
It all sank in real fast. The alcohol and fleeting serotonin buzz faded as Toby's hands touched her. He was using her, just like he had before, except now it was different.
"You're this… lonely housewife, and you need someone to take care of you now that your husband is gone." He was digging himself a bigger hole the more he spoke. "Or you're using me to get back at him, which is almost better. I never liked Ned."
Katie had had enough. She pushed him off of her without another thought and started to redress herself as quickly as she could, ignoring Toby as he silently scowled at her. "I know I'm not a size two anymore, but I've felt like a stranger in my own body since I lost my son, so I don't need you with your egotistical frat boy mindset to make me feel like I am any less of a person." She told him, not letting one thing hold her back. "And I don't need anyone to take care of me, especially not you. I could care less about the rest of it, but a virgin? Was that all I ever was to you back then?"
He tried to plead with his eyes to her, but she wasn't buying it. "You know that's not what I meant. It might've been why I went after you but—"
"But you fell for my charm and I broke your heart? Save it, Toby!" She yelled, not letting him interrupt her again. "You tried to beat me when things didn't go your way, and now you tried to fuck me again in hopes of getting back at the guy who I married after you. I'm not giving you that satisfaction."
Katie was beyond done with him. She pushed him away as he got closer to her and went to grab her cardigan in the living room, hearing him follow her.
"Just wait, let me explain," Toby said, grabbing her arm. "Are you just gonna walk home? I drove you here."
She was this close to punching him when she yanked her arm free from his grasp. "Explain what? I have nothing to gain by staying here and listening to what bullshit excuse you try to pull out of your ass," she muttered, grabbing her purse and keys, and walking out the front door. "The old me might've, but like I told you, she's gone and I'm not going to stay here and fuck you, so yes, I'll walk my happy ass home."
Katie walked about a mile before she called someone. She'd thought about calling Ned, about rubbing his face in the fact that she'd been over at someone's house, but she called her dad instead.
Jim happened to be on his way home after having to run to the hospital for something and was there less than five minutes after she called. She could always count on her dad to be there when she needed him. Even at eleven at night with almost no questions asked.
"Why didn't you have your car?" He asked as he pushed open the passenger door from inside his truck. "And why the park?"
"Toby picked me up," she muttered, not wanting to go into detail as he started to drive. "And I walked here."
Neither of her parents liked him, but she didn't blame them.
"That guy?" He scoffed, turning the wheel slowly and looking over at her as he did. "Why?"
Katie was staring out the window, listening to the Adele song on the radio, until her dad turned the music off to get her attention. "I regret it already, dad," she sighed. "I left, didn't I?" She didn't really want to tell him anything more.
Jim wasn't going to back down quite so easily though. "That's why I picked you up at the park then?" He asked. "What happened?"
She shook her head. "Dad, please, I'm not a kid anymore," she muttered.
"But you're still my kid, Katie. I don't care why you went over there," he said, face serious as he pulled up outside her house. Her dad parked and turned to look at her. "I want to know what did he do to make you leave his house at eleven at night when you didn't have your car." He squeezed her shoulder. "I'll kill him, you know. We could go on the run."
She knew he would. "The whole lot of us? Yeah, right," she chuckled. "Toby's always been an egotistical dick, dad. Nothing's changed despite how much he wants to preach that he has. It lasted for a whole dinner before the rouse was up and that's all I'm saying."
Her dad looked upset but then rolled his eyes. "I never liked that guy," he muttered. "Well, have a better rest of your night then."
"I doubt it," she shrugged. "But hopefully I can finally get a good night's sleep."
"You could always come home," he suggested, smiling.
Katie almost said yes, but she hugged him goodbye instead. "Not tonight. It's a bit too late," she said, giving him a slight squeeze and kiss to his cheek. She loved hugs from her dad, especially after nights like these. "Thanks for coming to get me. I might've had to call Ned if you didn't answer."
Jim pressed a kiss to her forehead as he pulled back. "Would that have been the worst thing in the world?" He asked.
She knew the answer was no, but she knew that her dad would always be betting on them getting back together. "I might've done something stupid," she reasoned, opening the door to get out of the truck. "Thanks again. I love you."
"As stupid as going over to Toby's house?" He chuckled.
That stung more than she liked to admit. "I thought you of all people wouldn't judge me," she said, grabbing her purse off the seat.
"I'm not, Katie. It's your life," he said. "I'm just saying that anything you might've done with Ned if he picked you up shouldn't be labeled as stupid as thinking Toby might've changed."
"Trust me, dad. I wasn't going over there because I wanted to marry Toby," she groaned, feeling her face heat up. She felt like a child confessing to something she'd done wrong. "It was just..."
Jim smirked at her embarrassment and finished her sentence. "Sex?" He asked.
She rolled her eyes. "Goodnight dad," she said, closing the door.
He rolled the window down. "Love you too, bug," he chuckled.
"Yeah, yeah. I love you." She said, blowing him another kiss. "Tell mom I'll probably be by the store tomorrow."
"Okay. I will," he said.
Katie waved and watched as he drove down the block before walking up the driveway to her front door. She locked the door behind her and made the trek upstairs to finally get a good night's sleep.