in case you missed the previous chapter, there was a change. if you click back to chapter 5, it'll be evident. and just for anyone confused or curious, from the beginning of chapter one (the day after the explosion) to the day of this chapter, it has been seven days. tim has been at the hospital for six. callie has been here for five. hopefully this helps frame how totally overwhelmed and stressed out arizona is. a lot has happened in a short amount of time.
chapter six.
Arizona stared down at her phone, debating how and even if she should respond to Callie. Obviously, Callie wanted to talk and that was all well and good. But Arizona couldn't help but think back to other times Callie had "wanted to talk" and how poorly those times had gone for her. Dropping her pregnancy in Arizona's lap; the day in the therapist's office; the whole New York debacle.
Arizona was fairly certain that she was justified in a bit of reluctance when it came to Callie. How many times had she been burned by Callie?
Sure, they had had moments over the past few days reminiscent of their post-divorce, pre-Penny selves. But there had also been deeply uncomfortable moments that unsettled Arizona. She used to know everything about Callie, practically considered herself an expert in the woman, but now, she was almost a stranger that reminded her of someone she used to know.
She chewed absently on the inside of her cheek, her thumbs hovering over the keys.
Residual anxiety still twisting at her insides, Arizona propped a hip against the nurses' station as she craned her neck to look in her brother's room. She really ought to call her parents and check on Sofia. Her father was probably wearing a hole in her floors, despising the total lack of control he had over the situation. And her poor mother-
"Looking for someone?"
Arizona jolted against the desk, the sharp corner cutting into her hip. She turned slightly to find Teddy leaning over her shoulder. "Teddy!" She slapped Teddy's shoulder weakly with the back of her hand. "You shouldn't sneak up on people."
"I called your name like at least twice," Teddy said, her brow creasing for a moment. "But you seemed deep in thought. Everything okay with the Captain?"
"Huh?" Arizona scrambled to catch up with the conversation. Everything just felt a bit too raw still from her panic attack, like the world had jolted into bright contrast and surround sound. "Oh, uh, yeah, Tim just woke up… Meredith is in there now explaining the surgery. He's agreed to do the surgery on his leg, which is somehow a total nightmare even if it's for the best… and you're not listening to me at all." Colour flushed Teddy's cheeks and she looked half-ashamed of herself. "What's wrong?"
Teddy glanced around before grabbing Arizona's elbow and dragging her into an empty patient room. "I am freaking out," Teddy started, already mid-pace. She pulled a hand through her hand, her eyes slightly frantic. "I need you to tell me this is a bad idea. Like a really bad idea."
"It's a bad idea, Teddy," Arizona dutifully replied, settling on the corner of the bed. "Uh, what's a bad idea?"
Teddy finished a length of the room. "I kissed Owen. Or, um, Owen kissed me. There was kissing and Owen." Arizona nodded, sucking her bottom lip between her teeth. "This is bad, right?"
"Not great, Teds."
Teddy groaned and buried her face in her hands. "That's what I thought." Arizona picked idly at a loose string on her sleeve. "But it's Owen, Arizona," she all but pleaded.
Ignoring the painful twist on her heart, Arizona replied, "He's married, Teddy."
"Not happily," Teddy shot back, even as guilt crossed her face.
"Teddy," Arizona sighed, "You don't want to do that. Even if they aren't happy or content or whatever, don't make Owen a cheater. Don't let yourself be the other woman."
"But it's Owen," Teddy echoed.
"Teddy, you are better than that. You deserve more than him stepping out on his wife." Teddy's bottom lip began to jut out into a pout. "Theodora, you are worth more than that."
Teddy dropped onto the bed next to her. "It's Owen, Arizona. I feel like we've missed our chance."
We had a chance to do it right and we missed it. Her words from nearly a year ago echoed in her own mind. Was she being a hypocrite, warning Teddy away from Owen? Would she take another chance with Callie? The hopeful, romantic part of her screamed yes, while the more rational and deeply hurt part of her struggled to let go of everything that had gone wrong.
"Then you missed your chance," she heard herself say in a faraway voice. "But Teddy, please, don't do this to Amelia." She couldn't help but think of the Amelia she had known in Baltimore. The pair of them had been nightmares together, constantly competing against each other and everyone else in the hospital and then heading out to bars and trolling for dates. That Amelia was so starkly different to the woman she knew now. And of course, the very idea of Owen cheating on Amelia resurfaced those images of Callie that haunted her still, the painful, devastating look of heartbreak on Callie's face.
Teddy fell back, covering her eyes with one hand. "I don't wanna be…."
"A dirty mistress?" Arizona supplied, borrowing one of Mark's phrases from a drunken ramble.
"Yeah. I don't want to be a dirty mistress. Again. What was Owen thinking?" She groaned.
"He wasn't."
"He said he and Amelia are having problems."
"Teddy… That, that isn't a good excuse." She stared at her own hands. For a moment, it felt like she was transported back to those terrifying days after the storm, after she ruined everything when she didn't know where Sofia was, when she couldn't see her way out of her own personal hell. "Look, you're an adult and I'm not going to tell you what to do, but Teddy, you can do a lot better than a guy stepping out on his wife."
Arizona patted Teddy's knee in what she hoped was a reassuring manner. Teddy continued to just lie there, half her face covered.
"I just… Arizona, what if this is it for me? What if I can't move on? What if Owen's supposed to be the one and this is it? I'm almost fifty, Arizona. I wanted a family. I wanted kids. I don't regret serving. I know I've saved a lot of lives. But God, this isn't what I wanted."
Guilt twisted at Arizona, even though rationally, she knew she wasn't to blame for Teddy's problems. Maybe it was more grief for the life she had lost out on and she was simply projecting on Teddy.
"You have options. You could adopt. There are tons of kids out there who need an awesome mom like you."
"I don't want to be alone anymore," Teddy admitted, her voice shaky. "It's not about the kids or any of that. It's that for the past sixteen years I have been alone. I had Henry, but that was always temporary. He was always going to die." Arizona's heart clenched at the thought of Henry. "I had Owen as a best friend, but never as a partner. There's always been something in the way. Even Allison, even Allison wasn't really mine. Maybe that's all I'm good for, being a dirty mistress or whatever." Teddy let out a sad chuckle. "I'm sorry, you've got other shit going on. You've got your brother and Callie and Sofia. I'm just being pathetic."
"You're not pathetic."
"Arizona, my married best friend kissed me after years of supposedly pining after each other. If that's not pathetic, I don't know what is."
Arizona twisted and propped herself up on an elbow. "I'm in love with my ex-wife."
"Touche."
"We can be pathetic together."
"We can form a club."
"We'll make t-shirts."
Teddy barked out a laugh, weakly smacking Arizona's shoulder. "Do you think I should tell Amelia?" She asked, her tone sober once more.
"I… She deserves to know. But Owen should tell her. He's the one who did something wrong. But if he doesn't, I think you should. Wouldn't you want to know?"
"Yeah," Teddy sighed, shaking her head slightly. "I better get going. I'm giving Riggs and Pierce a hand. Oh God, isn't she like Amelia's sister or something?" Teddy pushed herself into a seated position, her eyes wide.
Arizona patted Teddy's shoulder. "Best of luck with that. Callie sent me a weird message about wanting to talk. So I'm sure that'll be fun. Maybe we'll need to have a club meeting sooner rather than later."
"You bring the wine. I'll bring the gin."
Arizona followed Teddy out of the patient room, heading back towards Tim's room. Meredith had evidently left, leaving a lone intern to monitor Tim's vitals, who stammered out, "Dr Robbins, uh, I-I was just leaving," before rushing out of the room.
Arizona all but dropped into the chair she had vacated earlier in her panic. "Everything go well with Dr Grey?"
"As well as thrilling discussions about my appendix can go," Tim grumbled, shifting slightly on the bed. "Don't suppose I could go for a walk or something? I'm getting really sick of this room."
Arizona grimaced in sympathy. She could still remember those first days in the hospital, in pain and disoriented and deeply tired of staring at the same wall for hours on end. "I mean, not to put too fine a point on it, Tim, but you can't really walk right now." Tim stuck his tongue out at her. "Real mature."
"You own this hospital. Can't you like invest in better channels? If I have to watch one more episode of Judge Judy or reruns of Blue Bloods, I'm gonna scream. And I don't get like half the references because there wasn't exactly cable where I was, so then I'm confused. Last time I watched tv, phones didn't have touchscreens and reruns were The X-Files."
"They remade that last year."
"Wait, what?"
"It's a thing nowadays," Arizona said with a shrug, "They remade Ghostbusters, Indiana Jones. There's a ton of new Star Wars movies."
Tim rolled his eyes, the drama queen. "Zo, I know. I saw them with you in theatres."
"No, no, there's new-new ones."
"Are they bad?"
"They're decent. That was always more your thing than mine, Tim."
"Really, Zoie? We're gonna sit here and tell lies? I'm hurt." Tim let out a laugh that brought a smile to Arizona's lips. "You had such a crush on Leia. Huh, I guess you sort of do have a type." At Arizona's raised brow, Tim elaborated, "Dark hair. I mean, Joann, Casey's cousin Freddie, Callie. All dark haired." Arizona's breath caught in her chest at Tim's casual mention of Casey and she braced herself for a conversation she had managed to avoid for the past six days. But Tim pushed on, "Face it, you've got a type."
"I've dated women with non-dark hair."
"I'll believe it when I see it."
"You're such a jerk."
"I know, right?" Tim chuckled. "Aren't you glad I'm back? Or did you prefer your teasing free life?"
Something painful lodged itself in between Arizona's ribcage. "You have to stop joking about that. I… you missed so much. I would've done anything to have you here for my wedding, for Sofia. Just, just no more jokes about you not being here."
Tim's eyes softened, even if the scar over his eye made him look so severe. "I'm sorry. If I promise not to make those jokes, will you bring me some movies or something?"
"What if I don't have any movies?"
"I'd bet my good leg that you have at least five movies in your office here. And like at least a hundred back home." Tim continued, "You've got a kid, you work with kids and you're like a big kid yourself. I'd be ticking off my fingers if I could move them. So, how about you go grab 'em and we can watch a movie, just like old times?"
Watch a movie with her brother or find Callie and have that talk with her? Hm, what a difficult choice.
"Fine. But it's going to be Disney."
"What you aren't keeping Die Hard around for the kids? Just not a princess one, please? You made me watch way too many of those when we were growing up."
It wasn't like it was Arizona's fault that Tim didn't realize she was using a trick coin when they flipped a coin for movie choice. And really, she only made him dress up like a princess a few times. Of course, all three of those times were well documented. But again, totally not Arizona's fault.
"Give me like ten minutes."
"Run, run like the wind. Or as fast as the Robbins with two working legs can go."
Arizona snorted out a laugh as she stood and made her way to the door. "I'd say sit tight, but you can't exactly go anywhere."
There was a shouted, "Loser!" from Tim's room behind her.
She hadn't even realised how much she missed Tim's ability to talk her down from any sort of panic or anxiety. As the more type A between the pair of them, Arizona, throughout their childhood, had been prone to overstressing about a variety of things and Tim had always excelled at distracting her, even unintentionally. Now if only he could solve her Callie problem….
A quick trip to her office and Arizona found herself in the elevator, a few Disney movies and the portable dvd player she kept for Sofia in hand, when Bailey stepped on.
"Afternoon, Miranda," she greeted, stepping aside for the chief.
"Oh, Robbins, how's your brother doing?" Miranda asked conversationally, tearing her focus away from the paperwork in hand.
"He's in pain, but that's to be expected. Thank you again for earlier." Miranda waved her off. "I appreciate how accommodating you've been with all of this."
Miranda shook her head, a fond glint in her eyes. "Come now, Arizona. It's your brother. Plus, you got Torres back."
Arizona swallowed against the sudden knot in her throat. "I mean, she's… Callie, she's the best person for the job. I'm sure she would've done it for anyone." Arizona shoved her hand in her pocket to prevent herself from fussing with her hair or some other nervous tick.
Bailey pinned her with a look that quite clearly communicated that she wasn't buying what Arizona was selling. "Mhm, sure. You two getting along?"
"I thought you didn't do personal, Miranda."
"I don't," replied Bailey easily, one eyebrow rising steadily. "I'm more concerned if you two can get along professionally. I was in on that last board meeting. You two looked like you were going to have a full on domestic over video chat."
"Professionally?" Arizona echoed.
Bailey continued on as if Arizona hadn't said a word, "I can't have two department heads acting like that. It's bad for morale."
"Department heads?" said Arizona, feeling a bit like a broken record. "Bailey, what are you talking about?"
Bailey turned to more fully face her, eyes wide. "Didn't you hear the good news? Torres finally was able to negotiate an early end to her three year contract with NYU. Of course, her appointment is subject to board approval. But given she's on the board, that should be easy enough. I was about ready to strangle the chief over at NYU. We've been in negotiations for four months now."
Arizona shifted her weight back until she was leaning against the elevator for support. Callie… … four months of negotiation? Callie was moving back to Seattle. She knew that, in theory, she should be glad that Sofia would have both parents nearby but there was a selfish part of her that dreaded Callie moving back fulltime. And for Callie to keep it a secret, that just made it worse. She remembered with a sinking feeling in her stomach the handful of times over the past few days that Callie had shushed Sofia like they had a secret. The panic that had evaporated earlier reappeared in full force.
Her confusion quickly morphed into fresh anger with Callie. Had Callie been planning on keeping Sofia in New York for three years? She must have been planning on staying there if she signed a contract. That was a serious commitment. Bile rose in her throat. Callie had been making a serious commitment, making plans. For Penny.
"You didn't know?"
"No, I wasn't even aware that Callie was considering moving back to Seattle."
"You two share a child."
"I'm aware."
"Don't you communicate?" Bailey asked incredulously. "Tucker drives me mad most of the time, but we're able to have civil discussions about major things like someone moving across the country." Bailey tsked. "I assumed you knew."
"Nope. Callie did not mention that."
Before she could say something she'd regret, the elevator doors slid open. As soon as she was a few steps out of the elevator, leaving Bailey behind, Arizona leaned back against a wall, scrubbing a hand over her face.
This was all too much. How hard was it to pick up the phone or send an email? Hell, Arizona would've taken a text. She just wanted a heads up. Was that really so much to ask?
Pinching the bridge of her nose, she exhaled shakily.
Admittedly, she wasn't sure how long she had expected Callie to stay in New York. At least if Callie was in Seattle, Sofia wouldn't be trekking across the country all the time.
As that sinking feeling in her stomach grew, she realised that Bailey hadn't mentioned whether Penny would be joining Callie. She could only assume she would be. Her words to her mother from the other day resounded in her mind, "I can't watch her be in love with someone else." She knew, she knew it was horribly selfish and that she had no right, but that awareness did very little for the tightness in her chest.
A passing pair of nurses jarred her out of her reverie.
Her phone buzzed in her pocket.
"Robbins?" A hand waved in front of her face. "Hey there, space cadet."
"Karev," Arizona groaned, shoving at Alex's shoulder. "Don't do that."
"You're the one zoning out in the hallway. Shouldn't you be with your brother or something?"
"Callie's coming back."
Alex tipped his head to the side in confusion. "Dude, she's been back for like a week."
"No, like she's coming back-coming back. She's moving back to Seattle." Alex joined her in leaning against the wall, his eyes wide with surprise. "Tell me you didn't know anything about this."
Alex shook his head so quickly she was surprised it didn't give him whiplash. "Robbins, c'mon. I would've told you. She just decided to move back? Isn't it your year with Sofia?"
"Apparently, it's been in the works for a few months. Why wouldn't she just tell me?" Arizona tugged her free hand through her hair, frustration practically rolling off of her in waves. "I'm not… she's more than welcome to move back to Seattle. It's great. It's great for Sofia. I'm thrilled. Really."
"Yeah, you should practice that a few more times before you tell her that. You look pissed, boss," Alex chuckled.
Arizona nudged him with her elbow. "I just don't understand why she couldn't've just told me. And, and I'm almost positive that she's been having Sofia keep secrets about it, which just… we can't do that!" Her phone buzzed, punctuating her sentence. "For god's sake…" She shoved the dvds and player at Alex before pulling her phone out of her pocket.
Callie Torres [4:58 PM]: Sorry, got pulled into a meeting with Amelia and Jackson
Callie Torres [5:07 PM]: It's good news. I swear. Lmk when/where's good for you.
"Ugh, is it childish to avoid Callie?"
"Yes."
"That was rhetorical, Karev."
"Doesn't change the fact that it's childish to avoid your ex."
"What has my life come to if you're telling me I'm being childish?" She held up a hand before Alex could respond. "That was also rhetorical."
She glanced down at her phone as a message flashed across the screen.
Callie Torres [5:10 PM]: Are you ignoring me?
Arizona Robbins [5:10 PM]: No
Callie Torres [5:11 PM]: Are you sure?
Callie Torres [5:11 PM]: Sorta seems like you are
Callie's casual joking was simultaneously easy and familiar while also being entirely grating. This was just like Callie to make major decisions without warning.
Callie Torres [5:12 PM]: I'm in my lab working on Tim's cartilage
Callie Torres [5:12 PM]: I do really need to talk to you, but I also wouldn't mind some company
"What the hell," Arizona hissed under her breath, "What is she doing? 'I wouldn't mind some company'?" She read off to an increasingly uninterested Alex. "What does that mean?"
"Um, I'd assume she wants some company 'cause she's lonely? Or is this like a sex thing?"
Cheeks flushed, Arizona said, "She has a girlfriend."
"Yeah, but you two have history." Alex vaguely waved his free hand around.
"History. In the past."
"Sure thing, boss. By the way, what's up with the kids' movies? I thought Sofia was with your parents."
"Huh? Oh, for Tim. He's tired of watching reruns. Do you mind bringing that to him?" She patted Alex's arm before he could answer. "Great, thanks, Karev."
"You know I'm not your resident anymore, right, Robbins?" He called after her, shaking his head, as she headed back towards the elevator.
Looking back over her shoulder, she managed a bright grin at her protegee. "You'll always be my resident, Karev." He grumbled goodnaturedly, but still turned to head towards Tim's room.
Time to face the music, as they say, she thought as the elevator doors opened. The path towards Callie's lab was somehow still ingrained in muscle memory, her feet leading the way without much thought.
Before she even had managed to gather her thoughts on what she wanted to say to Callie, she found herself standing outside Callie's lab. How many times had she brought Callie food? How many late nights had she spent flipping through journals in the corner while Callie fussed over formulas? For God's sake, they had hooked up in that room too many times. Good God, had Callie and Penny had sex in there? A wave of nausea crashed into her.
Straightening her spine in a desperate attempt to seem put together, Arizona pulled open the door.
"One second," Callie said, hunched over a beaker, her dark hair pulled half back. Old memories plagued Arizona as she watched Callie work. It was all too frustratingly intimate. She had never fully mastered letting go of her memories with Callie and now that was catching up to her. "Sorry." Callie looked up from her work, flashing a bright, nearly blinding smile Arizona's way.
"No problem," Arizona said, rather proud of how strong her voice sounded. "I know how you get with your cartilage."
"Yeah, you do." The softness in Callie's eyes sent Arizona spiralling back through the years. Standing in front of Callie now, Arizona struggled to remember why she had come in here in the first place. "Thanks for coming down here."
"You said…" Arizona cleared her throat as her earlier anxiety made itself known once more, "You wanted to tell me something."
And oh, how familiar this all was. How many times had Arizona stood in front of Callie, waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop? In hallways and elevators and offices.
A strange combination of guilt and nerves and even excitement flickered through Callie's eyes. That look had rarely boded well for Arizona. At least this time she knew what was coming. Or that's what she was going to keep telling herself.
"I'm moving back to Seattle."
"You, you're moving back to Seattle," echoed Arizona. Somehow, even with forewarning, hearing it from Callie made it so much more tangible, so much more dangerous. Callie nodded mutely. Arizona chewed on her cheek as she tried to find words. She felt like she was drowning and couldn't ever manage to quite get her head above water. "Okay," she finally said.
"Okay?"
"Yeah, okay." The words felt hollow, but it was what she could manage in the moment.
Callie rubbed at the back of her neck, her eyes darting around nervously. She began speaking, merely to fill the silence, "Uh, yeah. It was only ever supposed to be a year, you know, with the grant and everything." Of course, how could Arizona forget about the all-important grant that had torn everything to shreds? "And I don't want to be away from Sofia for a year." Arizona flinched back at that. It wasn't as if she wanted to be away from Sofia, but flying wasn't exactly easy for her nor was it easy to be away from Sofia for such long stretches of time.
"Does Sofia know?"
"In abstract. We've talked about it, if she'd want to move back here, which she did, by the way. I didn't want her to…"
"You didn't want her to tell me. Is that what you didn't want her telling me in the OR the other day? 'Cause Callie, I'm not thrilled about you using our seven-year-old to keep secrets. You could've just told me. I'm glad you're moving back, for Sofia," she quickly qualified. "It's good for her to have both of us here." Callie had the good grace to look ashamed about Sofia keeping secrets, but it still left a heavy feeling in Arizona's chest.
"It wasn't… it wasn't like that, Arizona. Sofia didn't know that it was happening. I had just asked her about coming back to Seattle-"
"Which she would have been doing anyway," Arizona cut in, her irritation rising to the surface.
Callie's eyes flashed. "Yes, I know, Arizona. All I told Sofia was that I might be able to move back, but I wasn't sure, so I didn't see any reason for her to tell you."
"You should've told me!" The words came out far harsher than she had intended and she was quick to backtrack. "You should've told me, Callie. It affects Sofia."
"I thought you'd be happier."
Arizona pinched the bridge of her nose, letting her hip fall against one of the tables. "You sprung this on me. Actually, worse than that, I found out from Bailey, who you've been discussing this with for months now?"
"Wait, you already knew?" Callie stood to her feet, taking a few steps towards Arizona. "Why didn't you say anything?"
Arizona shrugged a shoulder. "It didn't change anything."
"That's why you're mad? Because Bailey told you?"
Arizona squeezed her eyes shut and tipped her chin up. "I'm not mad."
"Really? Because you look mad." Callie folded her arms over her chest as one eyebrow shot up. "That face you're making right now. It's your mad face."
Arizona inhaled sharply in an effort not to say something she'd regret. "You should've told me. I just… you should've told me, Callie."
"Last time I checked, I don't need your permission."
"That is not at all what I'm saying and you know it." Arizona mirrored Callie's stance, her arms forming a barrier between herself and Callie. "You had months to tell me."
"Yeah, well, we weren't exactly speaking, were we?" Callie shot back, hurt flaring in her expression. "Can you really not stand to have me in Seattle?"
"You're twisting my words."
"What do you want me to think? You're clearly upset with me."
"Because you're doing the same thing you always do, Callie. You just make decisions and expect everyone else to be fine with it." Arizona dug her fingers harder into her biceps, trying to maintain some control. "But you're right. It's your life and I'm glad you'll be here for Sofia."
Callie had moved closer at some point, close enough that Arizona could touch her if she wanted, close enough that she could watch the myriad of emotion in Callie's eyes. "That implies you're not fine with it."
"You sprang this on me. You've been planning this for months. I just want a little communication, Callie." A wry, sad sort of smile pulled at the corner of Arizona's mouth. "Communication has never been our strong suit."
A chuckle bubbled out of Callie, the corners of her eyes crinkling slightly. "You don't say."
"Bailey said you had a three year contract at NYU?" Arizona asked, trying to keep her voice light. "I thought you liked New York."
Callie's expression softened and she looked at Arizona with far too much emotion for an ex wife. "I thought I'd find what I was looking for there." Arizona swallowed back a gasp at the implication of Callie's words. How could she reconcile the Callie who said things like that with the Callie who made split second, devastating decisions, the Callie who snapped at her and made her want to tear her hair out?
For lack of anything better to say, Arizona stammered out, "I hope you find what you're looking for."
"Maybe I already have." Callie shrugged. One of her hands twitched at her side as if she wanted to touch Arizona. With a startling stab of pain in her chest, Arizona realized she wanted Callie to reach out, she wanted Callie to initiate contact. Cursing her weak heart, Arizona glanced around the room for a distraction.
"How is the cartilage going?" Arizona waved a hand towards Callie's work, hoping that would break the moment between them.
Callie twisted around to grab a vial, shaking it a little. "I forgot how much I love cartilage. I haven't been able to do very much research recently. Just loads of hip and knee replacements." As Callie launched into a long-winded explanation of how exactly she was going to use the cartilage, Arizona leaned back against a table, a soft smile playing at her lips. This was Callie in her element. This was Callie as Arizona had first noticed her, first fallen in love with her, before the world came crashing down around them. Arizona was more than happy just to watch Callie animatedly wave her hands around and describe complex procedures. She missed this, having someone who was her intellectual equal amongst other aspects of their relationship. "Sorry, I'm rambling on."
"No, no, it's… you're passionate. That's a good thing." Brushing a loose strand of hair back behind her ear, Arizona said, "I should probably go check on Tim. And then I need to head home so my parents can come see Tim. My mom was just too stressed out by the surgery earlier."
"Oh, right, yeah. I should probably get back on my cartilage." Callie glanced back to her research on the table. "Give Sofia a kiss for me."
Arizona nodded, at a loss of what to say to Callie. Too many emotions swirled inside, the ongoing frustration, confusion over Callie's words, her own anger at her inability to not be wholly in love with Callie Torres.
"Of course," she finally said, "Have a good night, Callie." Pushing off the table, she misjudged her momentum and put far too much weight on her prosthetic, sending her tumbling forward. Eyes squeezed shut in anticipation, she threw her arms out, but she never hit the ground. Instead, Callie caught her upper arms, keeping her upright. "Oh God, I'm sorry." Blinking her eyes open, she found her face very close to Callie's. In fact, probably the closest since… well, it wouldn't do any good to think about that.
"Are you okay?"
Arizona leaned back slightly, creating some space between them, but Callie's hands lingered on her arms. No part of this was okay. Because Callie looked beautiful and she could see her freckles and Callie had a girlfriend and, and, and. There were a million reasons why this was distinctly bad. But Arizona had a nasty habit of doing things that weren't good for her. Like binge-eating donuts and kissing random girls in bar bathrooms and going to Africa and falling out of the sky and cheating on her wife and letting the best thing in her life leave her behind.
"I-"
"Oh, there you are- am I interrupting?" Meredith's voice cut through the tension hovering between them.
They sprang apart as if they had been burned, both of their cheeks flushed guiltily.
"I fell," Arizona offered weakly, motioning to her leg, only to realize she pointed to the wrong one. Meredith raised her eyebrows, an amused smile lighting up her face.
"I'll say."
"Yep, well," Arizona's words hung in the air, waiting for someone to say something.
Meredith glanced between the pair of them before saying, "I just heard the good news, Callie. Bailey told me."
"Sounds like Bailey's telling everyone everything," Callie grumbled under her breath, much to Arizona's amusement.
"Well, I for one am thrilled. Joe's? Arizona, you're more than welcome too." Arizona certainly was not fond of that glint in Meredith's eye. That meant antics, she was sure of it. "By the way, Robbins, you never mentioned what a flirt your brother is. He's got all the nurses tripping over themselves."
With a snort of laughter, she said, "Not sure when that would've come up. And thanks, but I really need to get back home and make Sofia dinner before she talks my dad into takeout. For a Marine, he's surprisingly susceptible to puppy dog eyes. You two have a fun evening."
"See you later, Robbins," called Meredith while Callie settled for the world's awkwardest wave.
About halfway down the hallway, she nearly tripped again when she heard Meredith's "Did I interrupt you two making out?" and Callie's yelp of denial.
As she made her way back up to Tim's room, she sorted through her schedule for the rest of the week and responded to a few colleagues' emails. She really needed to start training a fellow; her consults alone were starting to overwhelm her, let alone the long, highly technical surgeries. Add in managing Sofia's schedule and her parents and Tim, not to mention her increasingly tumultuous relationship with Callie, and Arizona was going to need a vacation by the end of the day.
She paused outside of Tim's room at the sound of laughter. Peering around the door, she was nothing short of shocked to find Tim and Alex chatting happily while they watched a movie on an iPad, the Disney movies abandoned on a side table.
"Are you two watching Pitch Perfect?"
"It was all the intern had on his iPad. Apparently, it's his little sister's favourite movie," Alex said as if that explained everything. "What? I spend all day watching Disney movies. I was hoping for something a little more action-y."
"Anyway, I have to get home. Mom and Dad will be here soon and at least one of them will stay overnight," she said, brushing some of Tim's hair out of his eyes. "You really need a hair cut. You're looking sloppy."
Tim jerked his head away, letting his hair fall back. "You sound like the Colonel. He's about ready to go at it with a weed whacker."
"Ooh, this is a good part," Alex cut in, gesturing to the screen.
Arizona raised an eyebrow, shaking her head. "Alright, you boys have fun, I guess. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Later, Zozo."
"Yeah, yeah, bye, Robbins."
xx
"... yeah, okay. Sounds good, Mom. Okay, okay, I'll see you tomorrow. Yes, I'll bring breakfast. Give my love to Dad and Tim. Love you too." Arizona dropped her phone onto her bed, letting herself fall back against her headboard. Absently, she rubbed at her browbone in a futile effort to stave off the tension headache that had been building for days now.
She briefly considered heading downstairs to refill her wine, but decided the ordeal of having to put her leg back on was a bridge too far. Tipping her head back, she finished off the last sip of red wine, dark fruit notes lingering on her tongue. Her nose wrinkled. Honestly, she didn't even know why she opened that bottle.
Arizona scoffed at herself. She knew exactly why she picked a red tonight. She knew why she always picked a red.
It reminded her of Callie. Scratch that, it reminded her of kissing Callie. How many nights had they spent curled up on their old couch, drinking and laughing and kissing until inevitably clothes came off and they retreated to their bedroom? Red wine tasted of Callie, simple as that.
A few months before she met Eliza, one of her friends from outside of the hospital had reconnected and insisted on setting Arizona up on a date. The date was doomed from nearly the start. Not that the other woman hadn't been lovely. In fact, the Arizona before Callie would've probably at the very least taken the woman home for the night. But, instead, after the other woman insisted on ordering a bottle of red for the table that just so happened to be one of Callie's favourites, Arizona found herself unable to get the taste of Callie out of her mind. She kissed the woman on the cheek goodnight and never returned her calls.
A high pitched giggled erupted from her, nearly surprising herself with the noise.
She pushed the glass as far across her nightstand as she could manage, the lingering smell of red wine worsening her headache.
After that disastrous date, she stuck to white wine and gin on the few dates she went on. More often than not, she just simply didn't go on dates. In fact, after the custody battle, Arizona buried herself in her work, the very idea of going out and trolling bars for dates now repugnant to her. For years, meaningless sex served an important place in supressing whatever problems ailed her.
Now with nearly nine months of dedicated therapy behind her, she recognized that as a desperately unhealthy coping mechanism. But that recognition did little to undo the damage it had done. Eliza represented a new, fresh, healthier direction, but that had gone south quickly. And now Callie was here, slowly unraveling her.
Arizona pursed her lips in irritation at herself. It wasn't Callie's fault. And Callie was doing her a massive favour.
But then why did that spark of anger never leave her chest?
Because she left you, a traitorous voice in her head whispered, because she's moved on.
Bile rose in her throat at the thought of how Callie had moved on. How Callie was happier than she had ever been. And now Arizona would get to see that everyday.
It felt like she was watching a train wreck in slow motion. She stifled a chuckle at the thought. With her luck, she'd end up in a train wreck. It was about the only safe form of transportation for her at this point.
As she stared up at the ceiling, she tried to parse through the myriad of emotions swirling with the prospect of Callie returning to Seattle. Anger, jealousy, sadness, irritation and even a glimmer of happiness overwhelmed her.
Callie wouldn't have to ever spend a year away from Sofia. Callie got to have her year in New York with Sofia and her perfect girlfriend and now she'd get to be in Seattle and still have everything. It wasn't that Arizona wanted to keep Sofia away from Callie, far from it. But a small resentful voice in her mind whispered that Callie always got everything. Of course, more often than not, it was because Arizona gave it to her for the simple reason that she couldn't stand to see Callie upset.
Having both Callie and Arizona in the same place would only benefit Sofia, so why did Arizona feel absolutely terrified? She couldn't stop herself from creating scenarios in her mind, no matter how ridiculous.
Would Callie decide to move away again? Would they have to go through another drawn out custody fight?
No, no, she was almost positive that Callie wouldn't do that again. But had Callie learned anything? She got to have her metaphorical cake and eat it too. Arizona, despite putting everything on the line for Sofia, despite winning, had still somehow lost.
How many nights had she cried after speaking with Sofia, who always seemed so happy in New York? Far too many than she'd ever admit to anyone, even her therapist. She pushed her sadness down into a small tiny place next to her unresolved grief over her brother and the trauma of the plane crash and put on a happy face for the world to see. No one noticed the way her smile never quite reached her eyes or the way that she spent more time at the hospital than away from it. No one noticed or cared to notice.
The only person who had ever been any good at curbing her more self-destructive habits left her and Arizona was still learning how to help herself.
Christ, she really needed to schedule an appointment with Cate.
She blindly reached for her phone and added a reminder, the glow of the screen bothering her eyes. It was well past midnight. Arizona groaned, burying her face in a pillow. She glanced at her phone again, debating if she should set an alarm or not. Sofia smiled up at her from her lockscreen, a photo from Sofia's soccer phase the previous year.
Callie moving back was good for Sofia. That's all that mattered. Sofia was what mattered.
Arizona had long ago pledged to herself that she would do anything for Sofia's happiness, regardless of the personal cost for herself. And Callie living in Seattle would make Sofia happy and it would make Callie happy and that was all that mattered. Arizona threw away her chance at happiness long ago.
Callie moved on and found happiness and that was great and really, really, Arizona was thrilled for her. But Arizona knew, she knew that Callie and Sofia had been her shot at happiness and she had ruined it.
Her desire for Callie and Sofia's happiness, however, didn't fully erase her irritation at Callie for not communicating this with her. Or the fact that she seemed to have told Sofia not to tell her. If she and Callie started having Sofia keep secrets, it could only end poorly.
The door to her bedroom creaked open, the nightlight in the hallway illuminating a small figure.
"Mommy?" Sofia called quietly, "Mommy, are you awake?"
"Yeah, Sof, what's wrong?" Sofia climbed into the bed quickly, burying her face in Arizona's shoulder. Arizona brushed her fingers through Sofia's dark hair, working out a few knots. "Did you have a nightmare?" Sofia nodded, her face still pressed against her mother's shoulder. "Aw, Sof, I'm sorry. Do you wanna talk about it?" Arizona maneuvered an arm around Sofia's shoulder to pull her closer.
"You and Mama died, just like Daddy," Sofia finally admitted, her voice thick with unshed tears.
Arizona's heart clenched. "I'm right here and your mama's safe too, okay?"
"But Zola's dad died too and now she only has Aunt Mer! What if something happens?" Sofia lifted her head to meet Arizona's gaze, her dark eyes and wide eyed expression somehow the perfect blend of Mark and Callie. "People die all the time! Would I have to move again?"
"Sofia, no one's going to die. Did something happen?" Sofia shook her head. "Is this a new nightmare?" She shook her head again and even taking a breath hurt Arizona. "Oh, Sofia… did you tell Mama about your nightmares?"
"Once," Sofia sighed softly, her eyes welling with tears. "She said that Daddy was always watching and keeping us safe. But it made her sad. I don't wanna make you or Mama sad, but it was so scary."
Arizona brushed away a few stray tears. "Hey, hey, you should always tell us about your nightmares if you feel comfortable talking about them. Your mama, she, uh, she just really misses your dad sometimes and it makes her sade. But you make her so happy and you have his smile and his nose." Arizona tweaked Sofia's nose gently, drawing out a half-smile from the girl. "Do you wanna have a little sleepover in here, little miss?"
"Can I please, Mommy?" Arizona lifted up the corner of the duvet for Sofia to crawl under. "I never got to have a lot of sleepovers with Mama in New York." Arizona bit down on her cheek accidentally. She really didn't want to think about Callie's sleeping arrangements if she could help it. "But one time, we built a blanket fort in the living room. Penny was really awesome at it."
This time, Arizona bit her cheek intentionally. "That's nice, sweetheart."
Sofia curled into her side, the familiar smell of Callie's shampoo wafting from her hair. Sofia must have borrowed it that morning at Callie's rental.
"Can you do the dreams again, Mommy?"
"Of course." She pressed a quick kiss to Sofia's forehead before holding her hands above Sofia's chest. "Bad dreams, bad dreams go away. Good dreams, good dreams here to stay. Bad dreams, bad dreams go away. Good dreams, good dreams here to stay. Bad dreams, bad dreams go away. Good dreams, good dreams here to stay."
"Love you."
"Love you too." Arizona kissed the top of Sofia's head before curling protectively around her daughter, as if that might stave off anymore nightmares.
xx
hi again! so this chapter has been a nightmare - i think i've probably written around 75,000 words total of it, in various iterations. there was a version entirely from sofia's perspective. there was a version with a super nasty, brutal fight between callie and arizona. there was one with a long conversation between callie and tim. but this is the one i've landed on. maybe some day, i'll share some of those scenes. i do have scenes written from callie's perspective, and i know many of you have been very eager to learn more about what's going on with callie, but i likely won't publish any of those until this is finished as i have been deliberate in limiting to only arizona's perspective. i'd also like to say thank you to all of you who continued to check in on here, tumblr and ao3. i have been going through a really tough time, not limited to, but including catching covid twice, working on my masters, breaking up with my girlfriend after catching her in an indiscretion and having to move as a result of that. i do know where i'm going with this, but these chapters aren't short and i have school so i can't promise the quick updates of before. as always, much love xx