Hi! This would be like a...continuation? Let's say a season 2 of "That Blue Sky" but it won't have a fanfic format. In fact, I don't even know what to do with this, it came up as an extreme need for Shulienne hugs due to the drought (I hate you covid) of displays of affection and physical contact during this season of CTM.
So I guess I'll write Shulienne situations without following a timeline and skipping various things.
Thanks everyone for reading!
A new blue sky
December 1958
"Shelagh? Shelagh dear, where are you?"
A crash of small steps was heard and immediately she saw a girl entering the kitchen, her hair shining in the morning sun and a perfect white smile on her small face.
"Mommy!"
The girl ran into her arms, and Julienne could smell the soft perfume of her hair.
"Where were you? I've been calling you for a long time."
The girl broke away from the embrace, still with her smile intact, and shrugged. Her blue eyes shone mischievously behind the hated glasses she was supposed to wear.
"Don't ever leave like this again, did you hear me? You could get lost there," she stroked the blonde pigtails and the girl nodded obediently.
She woke up scared, there was a loud and dry noise. Her heart beat in her ears.
She swallowed hard, trying to collect her mind. Everything was different and dark, very different from what she had just seen in her happy dream. A pain in her back finally reminded her who she was and where she was.
She sat up, as she could, and managed to stand up, keeping her cap from falling to the ground. The loud noise was heard again, a door was slamming in the icy night wind, rumbling along with the snores of all the other people squeezed asleep at the Leopold Institute.
"There is something wrong?"
Sister Evangelina's hoarse voice startled her.
"No, it's just this door," she said, closing it with her hands shaking. She returned to her bunk, "Everything is fine sister, go back to sleep."
"I don't think I can, knowing that there is a bomb there about to explode," the nun turned on her bunk, covering herself with more blankets.
They should not speak, it was the Great Silence, but they should not be here either, in this place and not in Nonnatus, but there they were. Julienne leaned over and saw that Sister Monica Joan was sleeping peacefully.
At least someone can rest, Julienne thought, with a little envy.
She returned to her bunk, even though she knew she would no longer be able to sleep.
Her dream had been so vivid, so perfect and real, that the noise, not of that door, but of the reality of her life, had taken away all desire to continue.
"Where are you Shelagh?" she whispered in the middle of the night, staring at the ceiling.
There was an unexploded bomb, there was danger, there was too much. Julienne swallowed, too much had happened, and she, perhaps, had made too many mistakes.
A sob crossed her throat. What did she do wrong to lose Shelagh?
"My girl," she whispered again, her voice laden with tears.
Shelagh was so ill, and Julienne did not notice. She was so sad, and Julienne did not notice. At first, she noticed so many things about Shelagh, and then she was blinded by those very things: Sister Bernadette was efficient, capable, a good midwife, smart, the best nurse, brilliant with numbers and organization, sweet and compassionate, obedient, cheerful... She was many things, she had many virtues and Julienne was proud of the success she had in training this special and valuable person.
By admiring Sister Bernadette she had completely forgotten Shelagh.
Julienne felt lost. She felt hurt, she felt a hole in the middle of her chest that threatened to swallow her whole body.
Where was her girl?
Christmas was approaching, it would start snowing at any moment, and people were crowding around a community center, scared and bored by a bomb.
There were so many familiar faces, people who trusted her and her wisdom.
But her girl was not there.
She swallowed the lump in her throat.
Perhaps she did not accompany her enough in her illness. The news was devastating, Julienne feared losing her but knew in her heart that Sister Bernadette would recover. She was small but fierce, she would not be so easily defeated by a silent enemy. Julienne tried to accompany her, visit her, call her and write to her, but perhaps it was not enough. Perhaps, Shelagh felt abandoned by the person she trusted the most.
Maybe I didn't accompany her before, she thought. It could be that.
Julienne had seen her sad, quiet, by God, Bernadette had cried in front of her and yet Julienne did nothing. Respecting the rules she decided not to interfere, not demand, not penetrate the high walls that Bernadette built to hide her uncertainty. She left her to her own devices, it was clear.
Julienne stifled a sob. There were so many mistakes, but the worst was loving her.
That affection that she felt, that unconditional love like the one that feels the most dedicated mother for her baby, that should have banished as soon as it was born.
But she let it grow, she let her pride invade her with every Bernadette's achievement, she let the girl imitate her, she let the plans in her head continue to imagine a future where the girl was her successor.
Preferences were not allowed in a religious order, but what could she do? Even Jesus himself had his favorite disciple.
And now, Julienne did not even know where Shelagh was. All these people surrounding her and she feeling alone, away from the only person that mattered.
How did she not see it? How did she not distinguish the love, if she had known it herself?
A crueler thought crossed her mind: what if Shelagh wasn't in love? What if she just did this out of desperation, because she felt lonely and she agreed to go with the first person who offered some relief from her loneliness?
She did not know what to think of Dr Turner. She had known him for years, damn, she prayed to God for the man to find someone, but not her girl! So many women in Poplar, and should Shelagh be the one?
The last time she saw Shelagh her eyes were so sad. There was anxiety, pain, fear.
Shelagh was not happy, she was not doing this for love.
Julienne squeezed her eyelids to stop more tears. Then she raised her eyes to the sky, although she only saw the peeling and damp ceiling of the Leopold Institute.
"You lost her, Louise."
She instantly recognized the warmth. It was a cold night, but that warmth was from Shelagh.
She felt that first, her warm hand, before her clean and clear voice.
Without saying a word, after praying, she settled things, gave her her own bunk,and tried to be alone with her.
Her heart was breaking in two seeing Shelagh in that state. Alone, completely distraught, her voice barely a breathy whisper, explaining everything that was going on.
Julienne sat next to her and assured her that everything would be settled, that she would take care of the details that meant canceling a wedding. A wedding to which she was not invited.
Shelagh hugged her tightly, her fists tangled in her veil, and Julienne felt the hollow of her chest grow larger. She wanted Shelagh to come back, but not like this, not so unhappy, not with this heartbreak.
She said about having courage, although she did not know how to offer it to Shelagh.
"Now sleep, you need to rest," Julienne said.
"No please, I don't want to be alone."
Her request almost made her sob. Shelagh had her hand in hers, her beautiful eyes reddened, and she was shivering with fear and cold. She was completely far from who she was, and that night she was just a scared and abandoned child. She never asked for help, she was too proud and strong, but her hand in Julienne's tightened as she added a little "Please."
Julienne released her and placed her hands on the shoulders of the anguished woman's, so that she looked into her face.
"Very well, I'll stay with you, but you need to sleep."
Shelagh shook her head.
"I don't think I can."
Julienne could see that Shelagh was trying to calm herself, that she was swallowing tears. How much pain was there in that little body, in her pure and calm soul.
"Come here," she spread her arms and Shelagh huddled, seeking protection.
There were limits because Julienne was still a nun and she did not intend to change that, but that night, those limits could be jumped. She could not deny a shoulder to cry on to the most important person in her life.
"Tell me how you have been with your illness. Do you feel good? " she whispered, and felt her nod against her chest, "Well, I'm glad about that."
She felt Shelagh's arms tighten around her.
"Forgive me," she heard a low whisper. And she separated her from her.
"Why?"
Shelagh just stared at the ground, defeated.
"Because I was selfish. I thought I knew what I was doing, and I was wrong. I know nothing. And I should have told you before what was happening to me, and I shouldn't have left you, or walked away like that. I felt, and feel, a lot of shame."
She took the face in her hands, wiped away her tears and took off her glasses to leave them on the ground.
"Shelagh, dear, I need you to tell me one thing. Do you really love him? Are you going to marry him because you love him? Or will you do it so you don't feel lonely?"
"I don't know if I'll get married, sister," was her sad reply.
"Tell me if you love him. If not, there is no shame in saying it, and I think that now you know that you can come to me, it is not necessary for you to tie yourself to a man you don't love."
"I love him, sister. I don't know how it happened but I love him," Shelagh swallowed and sucked in some air, "I feel like I could die without him. And he loves me too."
It was the only sure thing she heard from Shelagh that night, her voice did not tremble and she did not look away. Shelagh was completely sure of what she was saying and what she felt, and it squeezed Julienne's heart, but it also gave her relief.
Julienne stroked the tear-stained cheeks. And she smiled at her.
"Then there is no shame, darling. And I shouldn't forgive you anything either."
"But…"
"Shelagh, if there is love, there is no shame or guilt. And it makes me very happy that you love someone and that you are loved. I couldn't think of a better man for you, and feeling love is what makes us human, in the most wonderful sense of the word."
"I walked away from you."
"And it was necessary, Shelagh. But you have returned, and you shouldn't feel guilty. Let me help you," she took her hands and squeezed them.
Shelagh started crying again and Julienne pulled her into her arms, cradling her as if she were a baby.
"I'm afraid," she heard her say, "I'm afraid of what might happen to Timothy, that Patrick will abandon me, of not being enough or not having the courage, I'm afraid of failing because I don't know anything about life, I never loved nobody, never had a relationship with anybody, I don't even know how to comb my hair, how am I supposed to be a good wife? A good mother?"
"Shelagh, stop. I can help you, there are many things that I don't know, but I can be there for you. There are many people who love you, just let them help you."
Shelagh just nodded, tears coming back to her exhausted face from pain and exhaustion. Julienne carried her to her shoulder, stroked her back slowly, and sang a lullaby that she sang countless times for countless newborns, until she felt Shelagh slowly loosen her desperate grip on her habit and began to fall asleep. She parted her slightly, and kissed her forehead.
"You must rest my child, I will take care of you."
"What you do is not right."
She turned to look at Sister Evangelina walking by on tiptoe. Julienne glared at her, annoyed at the interruption.
"It was not right from the first day, but I will not say it again," the older nun dressed in her long overcoat, ready to go out to order the people who woke up and asked for breakfast.
Julienne ignored her, and turned her attention to the one who was still sleeping. Her knees ached, she was kneeling like someone praying, but it was the only way to be able to contemplate and watch over Shelagh's sleep, as she almost imperceptibly stroked the messy blonde locks.
A sudden movement and a painful moan cut her tender expression, and a choked "Timothy" came from her lips before she clenched her lids and opened her reddened eyes.
"Shhh, Shelagh, take it easy," this time Julienne touched her hair, trying to reassure her. But the girl flinched and sat up, her breath ragged.
"I need to know how Tim is," her voice broke, tears filling her eyes again, "I shouldn't have gone and left him alone, I should have been with him overnight."
"Shelagh, you said you weren't allowed to do it, and you did very well to come here. Come," Julienne took one of the hands, while with the other she pushed the blankets aside, "Get up, wash your face and have something for breakfast, you haven't wanted to eat anything and you need to be strong."
Julienne stood up, smiled at her.
"Today I was supposed to get married."
Her whisper was devastating. Julienne knelt in front of Shelagh again, caressing one of her cheeks.
"I know, Shelagh, but it will happen, I promise you. You more than anybody else deserve to be happy."
In her eyes, Julienne saw guilt, something she feared it would be there for quite some time.
"Yes, you deserve happiness, even if now you only feel pain."
Shelagh sniffed and wiped her nose with the sleeve of her blouse, looking like a little girl, the girl who had inhabited Julienne's dreams.
Then she raised her blue eyes.
"Why are you like this to me? Why do you take care of me and forgive me everything? You did it from day one."
There was no claim, just curiosity. Julienne smiled.
"I thought you knew it, I'm a nun, I must be compassionate."
"I know, but I was never like you, with anyone."
"You're wrong, you were and you are with Timothy."
"But because I love Tim as if he were my son."
"It's the same as I feel about…" Julienne broke off. Suddenly, her little secret, this unconditional love that she felt, was almost coming to light.
She stood up nervously.
"Get up Shelagh, if you want you can pray with us, or you can have breakfast with the others. I'm sure the nurses will be happy to see you."
Sister Evangelina came in with a cup of tea and walked over to Shelagh.
"Take this, you need it. It has some milk just the way you like it."
Shelagh smiled gratefully, and Julienne used the distraction to practically run away. Hopefully Shelagh would never know the answer to her question, Julienne would never tell her, but she would be by her side, as much as the young girl wanted.
As she made her way to the bathroom to wipe the insomnia from her face, Julienne smiled:
Shelagh returned home.