A Spider's Big Four

Chapter 07

Nightmares and Guilt

*TRIGGER WARNING!*

*SUICIDE*

Alright, official trigger warning real quick.

If you're not comfortable with dark themes and sad stuff like that, then please be careful.

The night was a cold one, Peter stood back in his old vigilante costume on a rooftop on one of the quieter parts of the city that Peter tended to patrol due to pros ignoring it since it only had small-time crimes.

This... didn't feel right.

As his eyes focused, a lone figure could be seen standing near the edge of the rooftop across from him.

It was a girl, probably about 17 to 18 years old but a few inches shorter than his 5'7. She wore grey sweatpants and a light blue hoodie that was pulled over her messy-looking green hair. Her eyes were a vibrant green with heavy eye bags under them, Peter could easily spot the fresh tear tracks on her cheeks.

She looked tired, scared, and absolutely miserable.

She looked like she need help.

"Hey," Peter said as gently as he could, watching as the girl tensed up at the sound.

A thing that Peter noticed was that his voice sounded a bit younger than he remembered.

His eyes trailed down to her feet, noticing how we're shoes were off and placed off to the side.

Oh no.

"Whatever you're gonna do, don't."

Peter wasn't an expert on Japanese culture or anything, but he knew what was going on.

He just hoped he could do something about it.

The girl took a few steps back, edging ever closer towards the edge of the building, Peter going forwards to keep the same distance.

"Y-You're too young t-to be a hero..." Sniffling, she wiped her reddened eyes with her sleeve.

"I'm just trying to help out when I can, what's your name?"

Even though Peter was more used to joking around when on patrol, even he knew there were times to do things seriously.

In front of him was someone with a problem he couldn't punch away; this was when he needed to keep them relaxed and just talk to them.

He needed to make her feel safe.

Quietly, the girl responded. "M-Mizuku..."

Alright, he just needed to keep her talking.

Reaching up to his face, Peter pulled off both his face mask and goggles and tried to give the girl as soft of a smile as he could.

"I'm Peter, can you tell me what's going?"

Peter watched as the girl to a single step back, the passing cars below filling the quiet night air.

"You d-don't have to be h-here, j-just leave..." Her eyes watered again and let go a few tears before stopping, Peter took a single step forward while keeping his hands low.

"I just wanna help, alright? Can you just talk to me?" Peter asked, accidentally letting his voice waver for a split second.

A big part of him was panicking, he knew he wasn't doing good at keeping her calm or making her feel safe.

He wished there was someone on this rooftop who knew what they were doing instead of him.

Silently, Mizuku shook her head and let out a quiet sob before looking at him with eyes filled with exhaustion, desperation, and pain.

"Please... You don't have to do what you're going to do, I'm here for you." He tried to reassure in as soft of a voice as he could while taking two steps forward.

Even then, they were still about 30 feet apart and the girl was one step from jumping.

Whether or not he could reach her if she jumped was not something he wanted to find out tonight.

She giving a humorless laugh, running a hand through her hair and taking off her hood.

"Doesn't matter, anyway..."

Eyes widening, Peter watched in horror as she took the final step off the building with a peaceful look on her face.

"Wait!" Peter screamed, shooting a web and sprinting to catch her before it was too late.

As if time slowed down, Mizuku gave him a look that he could only describe as thankful as he screamed after her, hand outstretched.

He needed to be faster.

Why couldn't he just be faster?

Why couldn't he help her?

Why was he not good enough to save someone?

The sound of her hitting the ground and the screams of the few people walking the streets at this hour reached his ears just as he reached the edge of the building.

Before he could look, Peter's eyes well up with tears as he slid down the ledge, letting out a pained scream as the tears started to fall.

He clutched the red face mask and goggles in his hand as his breath hitched, it felt like he couldn't breathe.

His lungs burned, the boy screaming into the night sky and letting out sobs.

Quietly, Peter muttered out apologies to himself.

Why couldn't he good enough?

"I'm so sorry I was the one here for this..."

Screaming, Peter sat up in his bed drenched in sweat with tears pouring down his face.

His breaths came panicked and frantic, the boy trying to grasp at his bed and anything else solid that would tell him he was actually awake.

After a minute of trying to calm down his breathing, Peter closed his eyes and hung his head low.

He hadn't had that dream in a while, had he?

It was about two months into his vigilantism, he had stumbled on a girl at the edge of a roof and tried to help her.

God, he didn't even get her full name.

She was so vulnerable, she jumped in front of him and he didn't even know her whole name.

Why wasn't he fast enough?

His teary eyes darted around the room to take in his surroundings, eventually falling his old facemask and goggles laying on the ground, close enough to look like how they did when he had them on.

It felt like those white lenses mocked him, they mocked him for what happened that night.

Peter let out a silent sob as he clutched his chest at the memory, it had been hunting him for the past year or so.

Wiping his eyes with his blanket, Peter looked at his alarm clock and saw that it was 3:18 AM.

Yeah, he wasn't going back to sleep.

Peter wished May was here to comfort him but stepping out of his room and listening to the silent apartment told him that his aunt was still in Tokyo.

Grabbing his phone from the foot of his bed, Peter pulled up May's number and hovered his thumb over the call button before turning the device off and throwing it on the bed.

He couldn't bother her with this.

She probably had better stuff to do anyway.

Walking over to the bathroom, Peter splashed cold water in his face and took off his sweat-drenched shirt before taking a look in the mirror.

His eyes were puffy and red just like how Mizuku's were, the bags under them somehow darker and heavier than yesterday. Looking over at his chest he could easily see old scars from guns, cuts, and even burns littering his body.

Tracing his hand over them, he winced at touching a few of the still sensitive ones with the older ones feeling just like regular skin.

Every now and then, the older ones that had smoothed out and become faded like the burn on his abdomen or the bullet wound in his upper left thigh would send a sharp pain throughout his body.

They were something he had to live with, it didn't mean he liked them.

Eyes watering, Peter focused on them.

All those fights and all those scars and he couldn't even save a girl in front of him?

May always told him that there was something to do at times like this.

Pray.

And so he did.

Hanging his head low over the sink, Peter closed his eyes and spoke.

"Hey, God; It's Peter Parker. I know we haven't talked in a while and all but I really need to talk right now..."

Silence, Peter guessed that's to be expected.

"I just... I tried to save her, you know? I did all I thought I could and I-I just..."

He gripped the sink tightly, clenching his eyes shut.

"Y-You know that little game we play sometimes? Where I do something dumb or mess up, and other people suffer cause of it? Cause I failed to do something or did something wrong? How you did with Ben?"

His throat felt dry, a few scars in his chest and back began to sting as he sniffed.

"Why did you have to do it with her? W-Why couldn't you have placed someone better that night instead of me?"

Peter paused.

"Why didn't you give her someone better like All Might when she needed it? Why did you end up giving her a guy who just jumps around and tells jokes? Why did you give her Spider-Man?"

The humming of the bathroom light was his only response.

Like a dam breaking, Peter descended into choking sobs as the images of that last look she gave him started to play over and over again in his mind.

Crumbling onto the floor, Peter took short and rapid breaths as the feeling of being suffocated spread across his body while the tears fell onto the tiled floor.

Peter had to be having a panic attack, right? He was obviously hyperventilating.

Minutes passed as Peter struggled to breathe on the tiled floor of the bathroom before air was finally allowed back into his lungs.

Why did he have to be the one there for her?

Why was it he failed even though he tried his best?

He just wanted to tell her he was sorry for not getting to her in time.

He just wanted to tell her he was sorry for not being enough to help her when she needed it.

He just wanted to go to bed.

It was becoming more and more obvious to Peter that he couldn't ignore his lack of sleep like he normally did.

Normally he could just push through the day, you know? Have some coffee in the morning for the energy and maybe even bring some to school, use May's makeup when his eye bags got too noticeable, and simply endure until he got home so he could crash for an hour or two before going on patrol for the day.

This time around, it seemed like he couldn't hide it very well from the people around him.

His classmates kept shooting him worried glances, even Amajiki seemed to visibly show concern; teachers for his normal classes like math and English asked him if he was alright every now and then which he quickly waved off.

The day seemed to be a normal school one, with them selecting class representatives which went to both Togata and Hado along with Aizawa announcing the class would be going on a field trip on Friday to do some rescue training. When it was time for lunch was when it really started to dawn on him that he should've sat this one out, even after downing his thermos filled with coffee he couldn't keep his eyes fully opened.

"Parker? You alright?"

Peter perked up where he sat at their table, next to Amajiki and in front of Hado. Focusing his eyes on the taller teen made him quickly realize that he must've been trying to get his attention for a bit, looking around he could see Hado and Amajiki giving him concerned looks as they ate.

"Huh? What's up?" Peter gave a small smile, it was tired and a pretty bad attempt to hide the fact that he was currently running a half-hour of sleep.

Hado looked at him and frowned, with Amajiki being the next one to speak.

"Y-You look horrible, no offense. Did you g-get any sleep last night?" His voice was less anxious-sounding than normal, Peter guessed it was a sign that he was getting comfortable around him and Hado.

Rubbing his eyes, Peter gave a light shrug. "I guess not, had a nightmare that kept me up all night."

A second of silence passed with Peter unconsciously running the scars that his rolled-up sleeve left visible, these ones were some of the oldest he had and barely hurt anymore.

"But it's fine, I'll probably ask Aizawa if I can sit out if we do training today," Peter reassured, inwardly sighing at how his friends seemed to relax slightly at him saying he would take it easy.

A small smile spread across his lips as he heard them talk regularly, if not a tiny bit tense.

Rubbing his eyes, Peter looked straight ahead before Hado caught his attention by sliding a hand across to him.

"Do you... wanna talk about it?" She asked, giving him the type of small smile you do when trying to convince a friend to open up.

Tensing up, Peter held his hands up and shook his head.

"It's fine, don't worry about it!" He responded way too quickly, only getting a frown from his friend before she turned back to her food.

He couldn't talk to them about the nightmare he had.

They probably had better stuff to do, anyway.

At least better than listening about how he failed that girl.

He didn't deserve that.

"Parker."

Peter's head snapped up to look at Aizawa, the boy shaking his head to stay awake and take in his surroundings.

This was homeroom, right? His three classmates and Aizawa were there so it must be, looking up at the clock he could see it was around the time for heroics training.

Aizawa gave the three remaining students a look, the teens hesitantly getting up and retrieving their suitcases from their lockers before leaving the room.

Seeing this, Peter began to get up before being pushed back down onto his seat by a firm hand.

"You're sitting out from training today, and you're telling me what's going on." His teacher told him, lazily looking him over.

He was sitting out?

Thank God.

In all honestly, Peter wasn't even meaning to ask Aizawa to sit out on training but guess he didn't have to.

Wait.

What was that second part?

Kneeling down to Peter's height when sitting, the hero kept his hand on the boy's shoulder while holding a neutral expression.

"You look horrible, kid. What happened?"

Tensing up, Peter began to trace his fingers across the scars on his forearm like usual.

"J-Just a nightmare, you know? Didn't know you cared enough to be keeping an eye on me, scarf man." The chuckle that escaped him sounded dry and exhausted, it was a sad excuse of a chuckle now that Peter thought about it.

So much for keeping it subtle, huh?

Looking over his features again, Aizawa sighed. "Usually, you vex me."

"Well, I am known to be quite v-"

"Not today, you haven't even talked unless addressed. It is not like you, and it is illogical of me to try to get you to learn and improve in a state like that."

The boy looked away, he could hear Aizawa rubbing his eyes with his free hand.

"You cannot learn to become a hero when there is obviously something bothering you this much, so will ask again, what happened?"

Peter bit the inside of his cheek, starting to bounce his leg while still not making eye contact.

Should he even talk about this?

He couldn't talk to May since she was busy at work, and he couldn't talk to his friends since they were busy doing training and stuff.

But Aizawa? It was just the two of them in a room, with Peter not taking up the man's time in talking about what was going on.

Looking at Aizawa, he could see the small bits of concern on his flat and neutral expression.

Peter might as well, right?

Taking a deep breath, Peter gave a small nod and rubbed his tired eyes to try and stay awake a bit longer. Seeing this, Aizawa stood back up and grabbed a chair from the desk next to them, placing it backward in front of Peter and sitting down.

"Well, remember how I said that I had a nightmare and all?" Peter looked up from the desk and saw Aizawa nod. "W-Well, it was about something that happened during my patrol."

"Before we met?" The man asked, lacing his hands together as his arms hung over the back of the chair.

"It was about... two months after I started so probably a few weeks before you showed up."

The hero took in the information while keeping a neutral expression before he nodded, allowing his student to go on.

"There was this... g-girl on a rooftop I came across, green hair and green eyes and-." His throat started to tighten up as he willingly remembered her, he ran a hand through his messy brown hair before he continued.

"I t-tried to help her, you know? God, I barely knew what to do! B-But..."

A few tears fell from his eyes, Peter shut them as he gripped the fabric of his pants in frustration.

Frustration mostly aimed at himself.

Frustration for not being able to help her.

"She... jumped, didn't she?" Aizawa's voice was quiet but loud enough for Peter to hear; looking up from the desk he could see the man's expression had softened a bit.

Peter looked into the man's eyes. "I didn't e-even know her full name, Aizawa! I wasn't even f-fast enough to catch her o-or able to talk her ou-out of it!"

The tears kept pouring down his cheeks, the room grew silent as Peter quietly sobbed.

"Have you talked to anyone about this, Parker?"

Hearing this, Peter cried harder for a second.

"I-I-I couldn't tell May or else she would f-find out... I p-pushed the memory a-away, you know? I haven't thought about it for a few months..."

Peter continued to silently sob while occasionally sniffling as Aizawa kept silent, simply letting the boy cry.

He was just so tired.

He wanted to go to bed and get the day over with.

He just wanted her to know he was sorry.

"Why w-was I the one there t-that night?" Peter looked up once again and gave Aizawa a tired look, one that radiated both guilt and pure exhaustion. "God, w-why was I the o-one there f-for her?"

Aizawa didn't utter a single word, simply placing a firm yet comforting hand on the boy's shoulder; Peter cried harder.

"I... I-I want to help people, you k-know? Fight the good fight and-and just... just do my best t-to make others' lives a bit better. I want to be able to save people while telling j-jokes to l-like, hide how... fucking worried and-and scared I am, so I can make them f-feel safe. Why c-couldn't I-"

Aizawa's face showed a hint of surprise for a moment before it reverted back to uninterest, Peter didn't notice either way.

Peter simply hung his head low and quietly cried, his chest felt like it was being crushed as he tried to take deep breaths before he gave up and simply let his body keep breathing how it was.

"Why couldn't I help her?" Peter asked in English, not bothering to switch to Japanese even if Aizawa seemed to understand.

Still not speaking, Aizawa gripped Peter's shoulder a bit tighter to remind the boy he was there

"God, why couldn't I j-just..." Peter began, speaking in English once more before quickly descending into more quiet sobs, the hand on his shoulder gave a firm squeeze, Peter only cried harder.

Why couldn't he just save her?

Minutes passed like this, the clock ticking on the wall being the only sound in the room aside from Peter's quiet sobs and him occasionally muttering an apology in English; Aizawa sat there, his hand on the boy's shoulder, and did not utter a single word as he cried.

The man let Peter sob, not trying to interrupt.

The man let him cry, cry about something he shouldn't have been exposed to.

He let him know he was there.

Without saying a single word, he let Peter do what he should've been doing months before.

He let him grieve.

Something Peter didn't even know he needed.

20 minutes passed, the two simply sitting in the room as the clock ticked on the wall before the tears stopped falling and Peter finally felt air enter his lungs in something other than frantic breaths.

That suffocating and constricting feeling in his chest had been lifted the slightest bit, but the most since when the nightmare woke up him.

And although a part of him told him he deserved to feel like that, Peter couldn't help but sigh at how great it felt to have that weight lifted.

Even if it was the slightest bit.

"Parker." Peter perked up where he sat, he wiped his puffy and red eyes before sniffling and looking up at Aizawa; truth be told, he had forgotten his teacher was even there since the guy had barely said anything.

Aizawa looked him over, eyes hanging over his features before letting out a sigh.

"You feel better, right? After letting it all out?" The man asked, keeping his expression completely neutral.

Peter thought about it, he couldn't help but admit he felt incredibly better than he did before, it felt like he could actually breathe right now.

The boy simply nodded, rubbing his tired eyes while Aizawa nodded back.

"Like any other emotion does, crying releases a chemical into the brain. It makes you feel calm after you're done, that's why grieving is such an important thing to do when faced with things like that."

Grieving?

Peter wasn't too good at that, now that he thought about it.

The only time that he had to actively grieve about something was back when Ben died, and he spent much of that time distracting himself with being Spider-Man, with the only time he actively grieved was after he got arrested and spent some time with May.

He cried a lot during that, but he felt much better after.

Was that what he should've been doing?

"Not a lot of heroes have to deal with situations like that, Parker; most of the ones who do are underground heroes who are more likely to deal with darker types of crime and small-time things compared to villains destroying a city. You were a middle-schooler who shouldn't have been exposed to that, not only that but you also completely ignored dealing with the traumatic experience you went through and thus further worsened its effect on your health."

Nodding his head, the teen simply looked down.

"You need to understand that some of the things you saw and went through while still an active vigilante, things like gunfights and drug deals among others, take a great toll on a hero."

Not responding, Peter only nodded while thinking about what Aizawa was saying.

The more he listened to him, Peter began to realize that he may or may not have a few unresolved issues he has been ignoring.

"While you don't seem to have anything like PTSD, the guilt and trauma you have do need to be addressed so they don't worsen. I will contact both Nezu and your guardian about setting you up with weekly sessions with Hound dog where you can actually address the things you've gone through, alright?"

Aizawa's voice still had that sense of neutralness and disinterest it always did, but Peter noticed it sounded gentler than normal.

He wished Aizawa was on that rooftop that night.

"So... I have to get over it?" The teen asked, tracing the scars on his forearms.

"What you need to do is to come to terms with both it and everything else like it, you need to understand that those things that happened were not your fault. You may be able to lift tons, but you are still both a human and a kid, you need time to feel better." The man said slowly.

Peter didn't know what it was, but something Aizawa said made Peter burst into tears.

They didn't feel sad, they just felt tired.

They felt... relieved.

Wiping the tears away, Peter looked at Aizawa who still had his hand on his shoulder.

"Thanks..." Peter gave a small smile, his eyes still puffy and red.

Aizawa stood up from his chair and shoved his hands in his pockets, Peter simply sat there.

"Don't mention it, problem child."

Peter raised an eyebrow at the new nickname, he guessed it was a form of showing affection.

At least in an Aizawa kind of way.

"So... what now?"

His teacher looked at him for a moment before responding. "You go to Recovery Girl's office and you take a nap, I'll tell your friends you're alright and wake you up when you have to go home; and then, you grieve."

You know what?

That wasn't too bad of an idea.

He was just so tired right now.

"Will you tell them about what happened?" Peter asked, rolling his wrist and getting up from his seat.

"Only if you want me to, it's up to you."

Thinking about it for a moment, Peter tried to decide on what to do.

Friends told friends if something was up, right?

He felt like he should do it himself, but didn't know if he had it in him to talk about what happened a second time.

"You can tell them, I just really need a nap." The boy gave a small laugh, grabbing his backpack from his locker, and headed to the door.

"Sure, you're also excused from school tomorrow if you need more time, whether you show up or not it's up to you," Aizawa informed, the teen only nodding in response. "Oh, and Parker?"

Aizawa's voice stopped him in his tracks, Peter turning around to face the tired man.

"If stuff like this happens again, please talk to your friends or your aunt; I am not good with this comfort type of thing."

Peter couldn't help but chuckle at that, he waved a small goodbye that was only returned in a grunt and headed out the door.

As he walked the halls towards the infirmary, the brunette reached into his pocket and pulled out his cracked phone.

Opening up Google, Peter searched for suicide victims that fit into Mizuku's descriptions to maybe find out where they were buried.

Paying her his respects was probably gonna help with the grieving process, right?

He guessed it was a step towards coming to terms with it.

Alright, new chapter, bit of a sadder one but I'll explain why that is in a bit. Here we see Peter relieve a traumatic memory from early in his vigilante career and having to deal with how it made him feel.

Not gonna lie, kinda came up with the idea of this chapter last minute but its whatever

I didn't include as many jokes or action moments as usual cause I wanted to dive into how being exposed to things only heroes have to see affects Peter, you know? Him being so young doesn't really help him in these situations.

One of my favorite things in Spider-Man comics is when it focuses more on Peter as a person instead of as Spider-Man and how it affects him. I will probably have more of these character-driven chapters in the future, but we'll probably get there when we get there.

A huge inspiration for this chapter had to be: Deadpool #20 (Deadpool talks a girl out of suicide.) AX #16 (Spider-Man comforts a dying Psylocke) and the couple times that Peter has prayed and asked about why the stuff that happens to him happens to him.

Sorry if it was a downer this chapter but I feel like we need some Spider-Guilt for this to be a Spider-Man story, since a huge point of being Spider-Man is that your life kinda sucks cause you're a superhero but you still are one anyways since its the right thing to do, you know? That struggle to do the right thing and help others no matter how much easier it would be to just not do it.

Cause Peter is only Spider-Man because other people are better off because of it, even if he isn't one of those people, cause Peter in this story is just a tired and stressed out kid trying to do his best to do good and help others even if his life becomes a bit worse.

At least that's what I think, you know?

And this time around he can actually talk his issues out with other people, so that's good.

Please leave a review and let me know how I did!

Like always, thanks for reading and see you next time.