They've been alone in the kitchen at night before, but never at this late hour.
"Welcome back" he greets her.
"Thank you. It's good to be back" Petra responds.
They look at each other for a few seconds. Blinking. And breathing.
Should she… sit next to him or… something? No, he probably doesn't want any company.
Petra nods gently and turns around to leave, but Levi's voice stops her:
"You travelled at night? It's not very safe".
"There were some unfortunate delays. But I'm alright. Thank you for your concern".
When she's about to exit the kitchen once more, Levi speaks up again. "How was your father?"
"Much better, sir! Thank you. I hope that he will recover fully over the next few months or so. Thank you".
"I'm glad to hear that. If you ever again need permission to visit him, come to me, okay? Any time. For as long as you want. Even if someone else from the squad is on leave".
"Thank you so much" she whispers. She knows no one can hear them down there, but she still has that feeling that the words they are exchanging should be whispered softly.
She notices he's staring at her dress.
"Oh, I'm so sorry!" she exclaims with embarrassment.
"For what?"
"For appearing before you without my uniform. I was not expecting to meet anyone at this hour".
Wasn't that why he was scanning her just now? Because he was disappointed that she's not following the protocol?
"It's a beautiful dress. It suits you", he takes another sip from his tea.
"Thank you" she says quietly, wondering if her hair also looks good. She hasn't brushed it in a while. Maybe she should have. Levi is a known insomniac, there was a fair amount of probability to run into him.
Maybe now is a good opportunity to say that she always liked his cravat? Even though it's not part of the official military uniform. It wouldn't be much harm, she would just return the compliment.
But no. She has no place commenting on her captain's appearance. And if she starts talking about his looks, she won't be able to stop. His perfect jawline, his always fresh scent, his dreamy grey eyes, his soft voice—
"Oi, Petra".
… that awakes her from her deepest dreams.
"Yes?"
She really has been standing there looking at him, hasn't she?
"If you want to go to sleep, just go" he tells her.
He thinks her eyes were all over him just because she's sleepy. That's fortunate.
"Thank you" she says quietly.
"Petra, stop thanking me. You've said it seven times already. It's alright, you don't need to do that".
Oh. Did she really? She didn't notice.
"I'm sorry, captain".
"Levi" he corrects her. "Please. Don't be formal with me. Not right now" his voice seems to beg her.
"Levi" she repeats in a most tender tone.
His relaxed face muscles indicate that he is pleased.
"So… how was everything here?" Petra asks. "Anything important I missed?"
"Not really".
"Is everyone fine?"
"As if any of the three shitty brats was ever fine to begin with".
She covers her mouth so her laughter doesn't disturb the peaceful atmosphere.
"So, the shitty brats are just three? Not four?" she asks.
"What do you think?"
It is not fair to answer a question with a question but she knows him to be evasive. So, she lifts her head up and states in a semi-comic semi-dramatic tone:
"Fine then. I will accept the 'shitty-brat' title and wear it proudly".
He brings his cup to his lips and she really wants to believe that he does that to hide his smile. His beautiful smile. She hasn't seen it many times, but—
No, she should stop thinking about him.
Quick, Petra! Change the topic!
"Seriously though, I'm glad everything was fine back here" the words come out of her mouth hastily. "Did you miss me?" she asks almost teasingly, with the sweetest smile in her lips.
Levi seems taken aback.
And then she realizes it.
"I mean… Not you in particular! Plural 'you'! All of you here. Gunther, Oluo, Eld… The horses! Everyone!" she explains nervously.
Pretty ironic that she has survived all those Titan attacks and now she will kill herself.
"You were certainly missed" is everything he says. Too ambiguous for her taste, but she won't dare pressure more on the issue.
They stare into each other's eyes. That usually makes her awkward, but right now she can't turn away. He's the one who breaks eye contact, when he turns to his tea.
Oh, right! Tea! She should give him the box. Now that no one is around.
"Please, don't let me keep you up. You're probably tired. Go upstairs. Sleep well" he says.
For the first she can remember, she doesn't obey him.
She takes off her back-pack, pulls up a chair and places it upon it. She doesn't have to search for long, when she finally takes out the box with the herbs and places it on the table, right in front of him.
"Levi, this is for you".
His eyes examine it carefully.
"What is it?"
"A gift from my father. I may have mentioned in my letters that you like tea. My father said he felt obliged to give you a present since you take such good care of us".
She can observe the curiosity in Levi's eyes as he opens the box. He smiles at the sight of tea herbs. He leans closer to smell them.
Petra explains:
"It's tea from—"
"Acroburg" he completes her sentence.
He recognized the scent? He really is an expert. That's quite impressive.
"E-Exactly".
"I've only had it once in my life. Petra, that's extremely difficult to find! How did your father—"
"I really don't know. The box was already there when I got home".
"It must have costed a fortune. Are your parents millionaires or something?"
"Not by a long shot" Petra giggles.
"That's too much for me to accept" he closes the box and pushes it to her side of the table.
"No, my father really wanted you to have it! Please, Levi! I know that he'll be very happy when he reads the next letter from me and finds out how much you are enjoying his present". She takes one step closer, while her amber eyes pierce his soul. "Please".
He doesn't seem able to refuse.
"Fine" he sighs. "Be sure to write to him that I am very thankful. At least, do me a favor and let me share it with you. It would feel bad to keep it all to myself".
Petra can feel her heart beating faster than the speed of light.
"But not right now" Levi says. "You should go to sleep".
"No, actually… I would very much like some tea right now" she grins.
She may never again have an opportunity to drink tea with him. She wants to take it and cherish it, before being transferred to a different squad. One last happy memory. And then he can keep all of the herbs to himself and remember her when he drinks tea.
Levi pulls out the chair next to him and pats on it for Petra to sit. He gets up and starts boiling water.
She walks to the sink, eager to help with the preparation, but he points at the chair.
"You must be tired from the trip. Let me handle it".
She loves watching him make tea.
And she loves his face when he tastes it. Wrong, she loves his face all the time.
"Perfect" he says after the very first sip.
And it is indeed.
But Petra doesn't believe it's the hot tea that warms up her heart right now, rather her fervorous passion for the man sitting next to her.
They continue drinking from their cups peacefully. Petra somehow doesn't feel awkward around him anymore. They don't have to talk. They can just… be.
Levi notices right away when she empties her cup and refills it for her.
"Thank you".
They sit in peaceful silence for a longer while, when Levi asks:
"You agree with him?"
Petra glances up from her cup confused. "What?"
"With your father. Do I take good care of you?"
She doesn't hesitate to answer and truly means it: "Of course, Levi".
"Then why?"
She doesn't seem to understand, so he articulates the full question:
"Why do you want to leave?"
His tone is not overly reprimanding or pressuring, but she still feels the need to avert her gaze from him. She knows that happy moments like the ones they just shared don't last forever.
Levi looks at her. She can't tell him. It would destroy everything. It could not be taken back.
She wants to remember him as he is right now. She doesn't want to fight with him.
She already knows what he'd say to her. That's it's inappropriate, it's a breach of military code, their age gap is big…
Petra can't stand to hear all that now.
"I once asked you if you were happy in our squad" Levi speaks slowly. "And then I told you that if that ever changes, you should tell me".
"I remember" she mumbles with her head down. Of course she does. She'll never forget that night.
"But you didn't do that. You didn't tell me anything, you didn't give me a chance to fix whatever is going on!" he raises his voice, clearly losing his temper. "You just came in to announce that you want to leave! That you have a fucking stupid request to transfer to another squad. Out of the blue! That's not what we fucking agreed to, Petra!"
"I know. I'm sorry" she says with watery eyes.
"You really wanna know how was everything here the last few days? It was a god-damn nightmare without you! You must have shit in your head to think I'd approve your request".
"Levi—"
"Did you already talk with other squad leaders? Huh? Like I'm letting them take you! You know how many soldiers have left the Elite Squad on their own? None. None, Petra! You understand that? You'd be the first moron to do so".
"I'm not saying your squad is not good enough!" she speaks up, but he won't let her continue.
"Then what is it? You found a crappy boyfriend in another squad and you want to be near him? And all those days I gave you off, you spent them with him?"
"No, sir" she frowns, deliberately calling him that, either to remind him his position, or that he's not acting like one right now. "I don't have a boyfriend" she adds.
"Then what is it, Petra? What the hell is this about? Because my mind has been going crazy since you left and I can't find a logical explanation! Am I fucking stupid? Do I miss something?" he shouts louder than she has ever heard him.
"Levi, please!" she whispers. "The boys will wake up".
"I don't care if the whole army wakes up!"
Petra hides her face in her hands. She can't take any more of his harsh words. Oh, how she wants to shut him up with a passionate kiss!
He has only shouted to her like that once when she did a reckless maneuver during training.
"If that was a real titan, you'd be fucking dead right now! Dead! Gone forever! Get it? Don't you dare try this again or I'll fucking kill you myself!" he yelled, a wild fire raging in his eyes.
"I'm sorry" she fell down to her knees, that failed to support her trembling body.
"You're sorry? What good would that do to you if you were freaking dead, god damn you? Cut the bullshit and get a fucking hold on yourself! I'm not training you to become titan food, get it?"
Words wouldn't come out of her mouth. She had never been more scared in her entire life, not even when she saw a real titan for the first time.
"I asked you a god-damn question, Petra!" he screamed, completely out of control. "In one week we're going out of the walls. Do you fucking intent to return? Or I'll have to deliver whatever's left of you to your old man, along with my condolences for his cunt of a daughter?"
She saw the same shock in Eld's eyes as he was stepping in, as second in command:
"Captain, I think that's enough. She didn't—"
"Stay out of this, you piece of shit!" Levi snapped at him.
"Sir, please don't yell at her" Gunther said, his eyes falling to her with great concern. "It was just a mistake".
"I'm sure she has understood what went wrong and she won't do it again" Oluo added. "We wouldn't need your training if we were already perfect".
"You bastards simply can't shut your shitty mouths!" Levi gave them a menacing look.
No one dared to speak while he was pacing up and down, trying to regain his composure.
"Training is over. Everyone is punished. Run the entire parameter of the barracks three times. Petra, you five times".
She can see now that his temper was only coming from a place of concern and responsibility over her.
And she's sure that's the case right now.
So, she doesn't fight him. She doesn't yell back. She doesn't try to defend herself.
She simply waits for him to calm down, as his breathing pattern is starting to slow down. Levi rubs his eyes and sighs. He turns to look at her with regret and says in a calm voice:
"I'm sorry. I'm a monster for shouting at you. I hate it".
"It's okay".
"You don't have to tell me now, if you don't feel like it" Levi speaks again. "Or ever. But I would like to know, if that's okay with you. Maybe I can help".
"Thanks, Levi, but I…"
The tears flood her eyes and fall on her dress.
No, she'll tell him. She doesn't want this issue to bother her anymore. It ends tonight. Yes, she will be probably cry when she goes to bed, but she doesn't have to cry tomorrow or any day after. That's enough.
The only way to be freed from that curse of loving someone so deeply is to face their rejection.
Petra takes a deep breath and looks at him decisively. Her voice is trembling, but she is determined to say everything:
"Since our first training days in the army, we were always told that we shouldn't bring personal feelings in the battlefield. That we shouldn't have attachments that might distract us from our purpose. We shouldn't see our comrades as anything more than that. Love affairs must be left out of the military".
"Is that the case here? You have… feelings for someone in our squad?" Levi asks.
"Yeah…" she admits with a painful look.
"I see".
They stay in silence, Petra completely vulnerable to him and Levi looking at his cup to distract himself.
"Well, it's only natural" he says after a while. "You spend all of your time together, you are young…"
"So, you too think I should leave?" she bites her lip. A little harder and there would be blood.
Levi puts the cup down and sighs.
"I don't want you to leave. You are very important to our team" he says sincerely.
"I sense there is a 'but' coming up" she tucks her titian hair behind her ear.
"But at the same time, I don't want you to suffer silently. Maybe you should talk with the one that you have feelings for and sort it out. Secret relationships are common in the military. I won't report you or try to stop you. Consider this conversation never happened.".
"Levi, that's—"
"And if somebody finds out, tell them you had my permission and that they should come and talk to me. Understand?"
His cold tone doesn't match his kind words, but Petra appreciates them all the same. She has always known she can trust him.
A tear runs down her heated face, but she doesn't mind to wipe it. He can see it, it's alright.
If he raised his hand and touched her forehead, like he did a few days ago, he would find it to be burning like hell. And not just her face. Her whole body. It's not blood that runs through her veins, but flames. She can sense the sweat in her back. There is not enough air in the room.
"Just talk privately with the guy and figure something out" he says.
"T-that's what I'm trying to do right now" Petra stutters.
She doesn't dare look at him to see his expression, but after a few seconds she hears a stiff: "Oh".
Her shaking hands clench the soft fabric of her dress over her thighs.
"I love you, captain" she whispers in the weakest way possible.
There it is. The truth. Her biggest truth. A huge wave of relief passes through her whole body. It's out there. She can never take it back, but she doesn't really want to. It feels good.
And then it doesn't.
"Petra—"
"I'm sorry!" she bursts out. "I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. I already know that nothing's going to happen. Please, don't be angry! Please!"
"Of course I'm not angry, Petra".
She looks up and faces him, with a hint of… hope evident where there only used to be agony some moments ago.
"Then… how do you feel about what I told you?" she asks.
Levi gets up from his chair and Petra copies him. He leans against the table, his hands supporting his weight.
She resists the sudden urge to reach out and place one of her hands on top of his.
"I feel… sad" he says with an almost emotionless expression in his tired face.
"Sad?" she repeats with pain in her voice.
"Because you suffered so much. You shouldn't have. If I knew… I'm sorry, I'm not good at picking up things like that. Actually, I'm not good at anything of this sort".
"What sort?"
He doesn't respond immediately. And when he does, he's still holding back: "You know what I mean".
She takes a few steps back. She didn't realize they were so close.
He does the same.
Petra has thought many times what would his reaction be if she confessed. She has imagined him angry, sarcastic, rolling his eyes, telling her to shut up, ignoring everything and pretending it never happened, laughing at her face (whether thinking it was a joke or to belittle her). But she never imagined him as awkward as her.
"So…" she draws his attention. "What… what do we do now?"
The word 'we' suddenly takes a whole new meaning for her. Is it okay for her to use it?
"Well…" he shrugs. "I mentioned secret relationships. Maybe we could try that".
Petra's eyes have never been wider. "Levi, are you… honestly suggesting that?"
"You think I'd be kidding about something like that? That I'd be so ruthless and give you false hope?"
"No, it's just that I cannot believe it" she smiles hesitantly. "Are you sure?"
There is a long pause before he says: "Are you?"
Instead of an answer, she runs to him and puts her arms around his shoulders, embracing him tightly. Her head leans on his chest, his heart beat echoing on her ears. She's holding on to him desperately.
He's not responsive.
"Is this a yes?" he asks with a stiff voice.
Petra bursts out in laughter.
"It's true. You're really not good at this." she whispers to his neck, while her fingers are busy playing with his cravat. "But it's alright".
She feels his hand gently stroking her hair and back of her neck. And then his other hand is on her waist, and he pulls her in for a hug again.
"I should warn you. I've never been involved in something like this before" Levi says.
"Neither have I. We'll both learn together I guess" she beams at him lovingly. Like she always imagined. "Hey, who did you think it was? The one I had feelings for?"
Levi smirks. "Whoever of the three of them was, I'd probably have him on toilet duty for the rest of the month".
Petra giggles and she can tell from Levi's expression that he loves it when she does that.
"You sounded very eager to push me to a relationship with someone else, though".
"I wouldn't make you go through the pain of being away from someone you love".
"Even if it meant you'd have to constantly see me together with someone else?"
"If it'd make you happy".
She places a kiss on his cheek that's probably too wet, but he doesn't seem to mind. So she gives him one more.
"We have to be very careful, okay?" Levi says. "The other brats may be too stupid to notice anything, but we don't have to attract their attention".
"I think you don't give them enough credit" Petra chuckles.
"Erwin will chop my legs off if he finds out. And Hange will be constantly teasing me and asking indiscreet questions. I don't know which is worse" he utters in total seriousness and causes her to laugh.
"As long as we're professionals and you don't continue picking favorites, no one will know a thing".
"Me? Picking favorites?"
"I thought it was just because I'm a girl. But you really treat me differently in many ways. You don't let me wash the dishes, you give me less chores, you insisted I take my days off first…"
"Yeah, but I said everyone will take days off. Why is the order so important?"
"Oh, it is. Eld can't wait to see his fiancée. It's hard to be away from the one that you… love" she whispers slowly as she looks deep into his shining eyes. Their faces instinctively come closer, until they can feel each other's warm breaths on their skins. "As it is also hard to be close to him and not being able to…"
Levi softly presses his lips against hers. He tastes so good! It's chaste and it doesn't last long, but it's utter perfection. Before he can move away, Petra buries her hands in his raven hair and pulls him back into the kiss, as their lips part and melt continuously.
The kiss grows deeper and leaves them both breathless and panting, but not stopping. He cups her face as his tongue touches hers and she moans blissfully. He tastes so warm, as she gets lost in his embrace.
Next time Petra visits her family, she may have some interesting news to share with Lena after all.