Disclaimer... possible trigger warning for Self-harm.
10 weeks after Mark's death...
"Who's presenting?" Derek said walking into Mr Pattinson's room.
"I am." Lexie Grey smiled.
"Begin."
"Thomas Pattinson, 41, post-op day 30, today he is to be taken off life-support today due to his living will."
"Lexie you are going to assist me doing this, everyone else can leave."
"Okay Dr."
The other residents and interns left the room and shut the wooden door behind them.
"Doesn't he have any family?"
"No, just him."
"Okay."
For the next 20 minutes, they took the patient off life support. Lexie could tell there was something wrong with Derek because it looked like he was barely breathing the entire time they were doing it. He was sweating slightly, his face had gone pale and his eyes seemed glazed over.
"Time of death 5:02pm." Lexie called. "Are you okay?"
"I...I just need some air." He said walking out of the room.
He looked around everywhere to find somewhere to go until he found a supply closet. He walked in and shut the door behind him. He paged Meredith in a hurry and sat in the corner of the room with his knees up to his chest. Meredith walked into the dark room and fumbled for a light switch.
"Derek?"
"No light." He said, his voice full of emotion.
Meredith didn't listen and turned the bright light on so she wouldn't hurt herself trying to sit next to him. He had been crying a lot, his eyes were red and puffy. He spent ages sobbing, he wasn't used to crying so his breaths were choppy and he gasped for air. Meredith sat next to him until she saw the red lines on his wrists.
"What's that Derek?"
"It's nothing." He said pulling his sleeve of his white jacket down.
"Your cutting yourself."
"I'm...I'm not."
"Show me your arm."
"No."
Meredith pulled up his sleeve to reveal 17 long cuts across his wrist. At least 10 of them looked deep, painful and infected.
"Oh Der, why?"
"The pain...it takes it way."
"Derek," He sighed.
Meredith stroked his hair but stopped when she felt the fierce heat radiating off his forehead.
"Derek are you warm?"
"Very."
"Anything else?"
"My throat keeps hurting and I keep getting a chills, why?"
"You have an infection, we need to go to the pit."
"No not the pit."
"You need to get them cleaned and you need some antibiotics."
"I'm sorry." He sobbed.
"Oh Der." She said hugging him tightly. "Why don't we find an exam room and I'll page someone to check them out."
"Okay." He snuffled.
Meredith stood up and helped him up. He wiped his face and they walked out of the room, Derek kept his head down low and Meredith held his hand. A few nurses stared but Meredith glared at them. They arrived at an empty exam room and Derek paced around the bed. Meredith paged Bailey, Richard and Dr Wyatt, her psychiatrist, she knew she could help him.
Bailey arrived first looking puzzled.
"What the hell do you-?" She said bursting into the room, immediately going silent when she saw Derek crying.
"Can you look at his arm?"
"Sure, can you sit down Derek?"
He continued to pace until Meredith gripped hold of his shoulder.
"Just sit down Derek."
He did so and sat down on the table. His leg shook up and down like it did when he was nervous. He pulled his sleeve up and Bailey almost gasped when she saw. Richard walked into the room with Dr Wyatt stood behind him. Meredith walked them outside to the corridor so they could talk.
"Are you okay Meredith?" Dr Wyatt asked looking concerned.
"It's Derek."
"Why was Bailey with him?"
"He's been cutting himself, they've got-"
"He's passed out." Bailey said interrupting Meredith.
"What?" Meredith said bursting in.
He was on the floor waking up looking terrified. Meredith ran over to him and held him.
"Derek, can you hear me?"
"Hmmm..."
"I'm admitting him." Webber said walking out to get some paperwork.
"No." He slurred.
"We need to get the infection under control with some antibiotics, are you allergic to any?"
"He's allergic to penicillin...no amoxicillin...one of them." Meredith panicked.
"It'll be on his record don't worry."
"Okay."
"Gurney?"
"No, he'll hate you for that, just get him a wheelchair."
"I'll get one." Dr Wyatt said leaving.
Meredith had placed his head on her lap and stroked his hair. He didn't look well, not at all.
"He's officially admitted, room 239." Richard said walking in and Dr Wyatt behind him.
Meredith and Bailey helped him up onto the wheelchair and Richard wheeled him towards the room. Nurses and doctors muttered about him and Cristina ran over to Meredith.
"What happened?" She said slightly concerned.
"He's cutting, their infected and he's just passed out so Webber just admitted him."
"Do you need any help?"
"Probably."
They arrived in the room and Meredith helped him onto the bed.
"He's allergic to amoxicillin and vecuronium." Cristina said after flipping through his chart.
"Start him on penicillin and some oxygen. Bailey can you finish cleaning his arm?" Said Richard.
"Okay."
Cristina set up an IV on his other hand while Bailey cleaned out the wounds, making him wince in pain. It took a while to dress each individual cut and then bandage his forearm. Cristina had put him on a penicillin drip and an oxygen cannula under his nose. Meredith sat next to him and tried to distract him from the pain, Dr Wyatt stood silently in the corner of the room watching peacefully.
"All done." Bailey smiled.
"Thank you." Meredith said stroking his shoulder.
"I'll be in about an hour to check on you, you need to rest."
"Okay thank you Bailey."
She left the room, leaving Derek, Meredith and Dr Wyatt in the room alone. Dr Wyatt walked to the other side of Derek and sat down. She just looked at him for a few seconds before breaking her long silence.
"How long ago did Mark die?"
"10 weeks." He whispered.
"To the day?"
"Yes."
"That must be hard."
"It is."
"Was Mark your best friend?"
"Brother."
"How long did you know each other for?"
"Since we were both 7."
"A long time then."
"Yes."
"What did you use on your arms?"
"My razor." He said looking down at his arm.
"Okay, when did you start?"
"A few weeks ago, after my daughter's first dance recital."
"How old are they?"
"5."
"What are they called?"
"Orva and Robyn."
"Awww, cute names. What made you do it after the recital?"
"I couldn't...I couldn't even be happy...for them and it was Mark...who danced with them...they took them to each dance...class." He said tears running off his face.
Meredith gripped hold of his hand tightly as it shook.
"That must've been hard for you."
"It was." He said looking at Meredith.
"So, I'm going to go and let you sleep for a while. I'll come back in an hours time, I have a free evening so we can talk some more. "
"Okay."
"See you later Derek."
"Bye."
She left the room. Meredith moved him along on the bed and laid down on the bed placing his head on her chest.
"Mer, Teddy is coming today."
"I'll sort that Derek, you sleep and I'll call Addison. What time is she coming?"
"7, what...what time is it now?"
"6:30, I'm going to get her to come here."
"Kay..." He slurred.
He fell asleep looking peaceful, Meredith snuck out of the bed and out of the room. She dialled Teddy's number and held the phone up to her ear.
"Mer?"
"Hi Teddy, where are you?"
"Just about to get in a taxi from the airport, why?"
"Can you get one to the hospital again?"
"Why? Is dad okay?"
"Dad's not very well, I'm here just meet me here."
"Okay, I'm getting in now."
"Okay see you soon."
"Bye."
Meredith hung up the phone and began walking down to the lobby. The airport was only a 5 minute drive away from the hospital so she needed to go wait for her.
"Meredith!" Lexie said running over to her as she reached the catwalk.
"Huh? Oh Lex."
"You okay?"
"Yes...I mean no."
"What's up?"
"It's Derek, he's not well, he's just been hospitalised."
"What why?"
"An infection."
"What kind? Infectious?"
"No...from-" She said swallowing hard, blinking back her tears.
"From cutting." She continued.
"Cutting?" Lexie stuttered.
"Yeah."
"He was acting strange this morning."
"What do you mean?"
"He looked as if he was having a panic attack, after we took this patient of his off life support."
"Like Mark, it's 10 weeks today."
"Oh, I'm sorry."
"Teddy!" She shouted watching the auburn walk through the entrance.
Meredith ran down the stairs straight to the girl. As soon as she got to her she hugged her tightly as Teddy dropped her bags.
"What's wrong with dad?" Teddy panicked.
"Let's go see him and then we can talk."
"Okay."
Meredith took her bags and walked towards the elevator with her,
"How was the flight?"
"It was fine, I got free cookies."
"Nice, how's Addison?"
"Stressed about me and school."
"What about school?"
"Well, after I graduated high school last year, the medical school I am at is saying that mom has to pay double because I'm there 3 years early."
"We can help out if needed."
"Thanks mom, how is Orva, Robyn and Kai?"
"They're okay."
"Good."
"This is dad's room."
"He looks ill." She said looking in through the window.
"Listen, Dad has taken uncle Mark's death harder than he was telling us all."
"What do you mean?"
"He's been...been cutting himself. They've got infected and it's made him sick that's why he's in here."
"Cutting?"
"Yes, that's why there are bandages on his arm."
"Dad." She sighed.
"Why don't you sit with him?"
"Okay."
"I'm going to call Izzie and ask her to stay overnight with the kids. We can stay in the room with him."
"Okay, thanks mom."
Teddy walked into the room and sat down next to him on the large blue chair. The noise from the creaky door woke Derek.
"It's okay dad, it's just me, go back to sleep."
"Bear?"
"Yeah it's me."
"I'm sorry, you can...go back to...LA if you...want."
"No I'm staying here, can I hug you?"
"Yeah."
Teddy stood up and pushed the side of the bed down making a clicking noise. She hugged him tightly, trying not to catch his IV or bandaged arm. Meredith walked into the room and went straight to the other side as Teddy stood back up and sat in the chair.
"How you feeling?"
"Hot."
"Let me open a window then." Meredith said walking over to one.
"Mer?"
"Yeah." She said sitting down.
"I feel...sick."
"Are you going to be sick?"
"Yeah." He said trying to sit up.
Meredith reached out for the salmon basin on the bedside table and held it on his lap. He sat forward and violently threw up as Meredith stroked his back up and down.
"Your okay." She reassured.
When he finished, Meredith went and cleaned it out as he laid back against the bed wiping his face with the back of his hand. Meredith walked back in and stroked his forehead.
"You sleep Derek, Bailey and Dr Wyatt are coming in soon and you need to rest."
"Hmmm." He said already half asleep.
"Love you Der."
"Love...you." He whispered before falling asleep.
Meredith walked around to Teddy,
"Let's go get some dinner."
"But I don't want to leave him."
"We can bring the food back up and eat in here."
"Okay."
They stood up and silently left the room, shutting the door behind them. They walked down to the cafeteria and got some sandwiches, chips, soda and a candy bar before walking back upstairs to him. They talked about Derek and Uncle Mark the entire way.
"Dr Grey?"
"Yeah?"
"Dr Shepherd's thrown up again so I changed his blankets and got him a gown." A nurse said.
"Thank you."
They walked into the room where Derek was sat looking worried.
"A nurse just talked to me, how do you feel?"
"Empty."
"Emotionally or physically?"
"Both."
"Oh Der." She said hugging him.
Teddy sat on the couch and began eating her sandwich whilst Meredith comforted Derek.
"Derek? Meredith?" Dr Bailey said walking into the room.
"Hi Bailey."
"Can I just check your arm and sats?"
"Yeah."
"Hi Teddy."
"Hi Bailey."
Bailey unwrapped his arm and checked each scar again, Meredith walked to the other side of the room because she couldn't see them.
"Any changes?"
"He's vomited twice."
"Okay, that's normal with infections as you know, I'll tell Dr Wyatt your ready."
"Ready for what?"
"To be moved to psych, for some help Derek."
Derek spent 10 days in psych, having therapy with Dr Wyatt and being treated for his depression. He had a months leave from work and spent more time with his family and Teddy because she stayed for the entire spring break. His mom went over to check on how he was and look after him.