Chapter 7: Zim Versus South Dakota

While Zim was in the bathroom cleaning himself off, the rest of them decided that it would be best to let Warehouse 13 take over the Widowmaker. Mykes picked up the chamois-wrapped pipe while Pete got back to his weird looking silvery bag. He opened it up, and there was something purple inside.

"Watch your eyes," Mykes said.

Everyone looked away, even Pete, and she dropped the Widowmaker into the bag. And nothing happened.

"Mykes, what the hell?" Pete asked.

"I don't know," Mykes said. "Artie, we just bagged the Widowmaker and nothing happened."

"No!" Artie yelled. "It's got to be a bifurcated artifact!"

"What does that mean?" Sam asked.

"There are two parts to the artifact!" Artie shouted. "We need to find the other half!"

"Maybe the Warehouse already has it?" Mulder asked.

"Is that possible, Artie?" Mykes asked.

Artie's eyes darted back and forth wildly. "Let me think about it. I'll get back to you." His image blinked out, kind of like the way tube TVs used to turn off. He disappeared down to a tiny circle and then was gone.

Zim came out of the bathroom. "What did I miss?"

"Nothing," Casey said. "You're all good."

Goddammit. This was another place Zim could never come back to. He cursed Casey's name.

The Farnsworth went off again. Artie came back online. "You were right, Myka. We have the other half in the Warehouse. It's a scrap of the dead man's uniform. When the two are combined, they could kill anyone they touched in less than a minute. You need to get the Widowmaker back to the Warehouse ASAP!" He blinked out again.

"You heard the man," Pete said. "Sorry guys. We'll take it from here."

"Not so fast," Casey said. "Walker and I and . . ." He glanced at Zim. "Walker and I have to make sure this thing is secure. We're coming with you."

"Does that mean he's coming, too?" Mykes asked. She pointed to Zim.

"Goddammit, he's right here!" Zim said.

"Yeah, we do kind of need him," Walker said.

Casey growled.

"I'd feel a lot better if we joined you," Mulder said. "Mike, you and Sam can sit the rest of this out. We'll make sure the other half of your fee is deposited to your account."

Michael Westen jumped to his feet and grabbed his sniper case. "Thanks for the business." He headed for the door, and Sam followed. Just before Sam left, he turned to the Warehouse agents.

"Tell Artie Sam Axe says hi." And then he was gone.

"Does he know everybody?" Mulder asked.

"Probably," Casey said. "I'd heard rumors of him, but I never actually thought he existed. Weird."

"All right," Walker said. "Let's pack up and get ready for transport to South Dakota."

The group scattered while Walker made plans with the general. Zim, meanwhile, saw that porn still played on the TV. Holy shit! What if the others thought he was a creep? He had to do something about this.

Wouldn't it show up on the bill? God, the entire military would know what he liked to spank it to! He had to get rid of the records. But how?

He thought maybe he could overshadow the porn if he put something bigger on the bill. The hotel might look the other way, and the government would have the whole thing covered, anyway. Why not take the only evidence, the TV, and get rid of it?

He looked behind the TV and saw that it wasn't held in place very well. He unscrewed a few things and disconnected a few wires, and while everyone else was busy getting ready for the trip, he thought he could sneak the TV out to the balcony without getting noticed.

As soon as he succeeded at this, he threw the TV over the railing and walked back in. He heard the TV connect below and explode. He also heard someone utter a very short scream. He played it cool and pretended not to notice.

Finally they were on their way out the door. Walker checked out of the hotel while the others went to the transport that Beckman had set up. It would take them to the airport, and the plane would take them to South Dakota.

Casey loaded up the transport van, and Zim wandered away to see a broken TV on the sidewalk . . . and a dead man underneath it. Whoops.

Sam Axe stood over the mess, his sunglasses loose in his hands. He shook his head, his eyes slightly wet. "I've never seen anything like it before," he muttered.

Zim recognized that the dead man was Michael Westen, that his head had been crushed by the TV he'd . . . er, someone had thrown out a hotel window. He backed away before Sam could look at him.

Hours later they found themselves standing outside what looked like an abandoned building in the middle of nowhere. Pete and Mykes entered first, and soon they were all in Warehouse 13.

Artie charged at them. "Did you get the Widowmaker?" he practically screamed.

"Here," Pete said. He handed it over, still inside the bag.

"Good," Artie said. He took the Widowmaker out and gave it a once-over. "I have Claudia pulling the scrap of uniform. We should have this handled in no time."

"It'll be good to get back to Burbank," Zim said. More to the point, he thought he could get Jeffster to set up the computer with Final Fantasy. He didn't intend to leave that world for at least a week.

Artie's Farnsworth chirped, and he opened it up. "What?"

"Artie! I have some bad news for you!"

"Oh no," Artie said. "Please. Don't be missing. Don't be missing."

"The uniform's gone," Claudia said. "And you're never going to believe who checked it out."

Zim tuned out momentarily. He stared at Claudia and, yes, wanted to fuck her, too. How could he be surrounded by so many hot chicks and not get to fuck at least one of them?

"WHO?!" Artie yelled.

"Douglas Fargo," Claudia said.

Artie's eyes went wide. "NO."

"Aw man," Pete said. "Not Fargo."

"What does this mean?" Casey asked.

Artie sighed, yanking his spectacles off. He rubbed at the bridge of his nose, and he didn't look like he was in the mood to say anything else.

"It means we're going to Eureka," Pete said.

Zim Flashed. To the early 'Forties. Everyone smoked and danced to big band music. Newspapers spun in his mind with war headlines. And then he saw Camp Eureka, mostly made of warehouses and tents. Albert Einstein's image superimposed over it. Zim blinked, rubbing his eyes.

"What the hell is Eureka?" Casey asked.

"It's a very weird little town in Oregon," Mulder said. "I've heard legends about it for years, and I knew it existed, but I could never prove it."

"It's a town of geniuses," Pete said. "Founded by Einstein back in the day."

"The day being World War II," Mykes said.

"None of that matters!" Artie screamed. "Eureka is the absolute worst place for an artifact to be! Everything is crazy there! The laws of physics barely apply!"

"That sounds bad," Zim said.

"It's catastrophically bad!" Artie yelled. "Claudia! We need all hands! Now!"

Zim knew that this was about to get even more complicated, and it was already ridiculously complicated as it was. But more importantly, it would keep him from Final Fantasy and a really long nap.

"Fuck," he muttered.

TO BE CONTINUED . . .